What to do when you have a low libido and still need to please your husband

[Hoosier_Daddy]

I didn’t have a low libido before. I take meds now that have greatly impacted my libido. I’ve mentioned this in the previous posts. I also said I rejected religious life because I didn’t want to be a celibate. I enjoyed sex before marriage (I know, mortal sin. No need to dissect this one)

Well, you have two separate issues here. One is medical. That needs to be dealt with. And the other is spiritual. We cannot offer medical advice here, just the same old “talk with your doctor” which you should do. But spiritually and relationship wise I sense a huge problem with the way both of you are approaching this issue. And since it is not your husband on the other keyboard, I can only really address you. I say this so you understand that I am not picking on you or bashing you, believe me, I’d give your husband an earful if I could. But you really need to understand that this is not a “him” problem, but a you (plural) problem. You probably need to really examine what marriage is and why God instituted it. There is a huge attack on this, and it is to the point that we cannot even define it as between a man and a woman, or what the purpose of it is. And it sounds like with multiple marriages and relationships previously that you two have not really figured it out yet. And it certainly could be that one of you (you) is further along than the other, but you are now a team. Your main job as a spouse is to get the other person to heaven. And sex is a part of that journey. It is a giving of ones self that can be akin to the creation of the world by the Creator, or the self death on a cross. And both things have a salvific and Holy purpose. Though you have not been specific, I am under the assumption that whatever he wants, can be done in a holy way. You should take that cup.

Men and women are different, perhaps my wife does not like a certain act that I enjoy, but she does it to satisfy me and to say she loves pleasing me. As long as it is Holy that is actually the very definition of Marriage. It goes both ways you know. I never ever want to give a 30 minute backrub, but I do it. I do it for my dear sweet wife. And I am usually glad I did…

 

[Xantippe]

My husband would be pleased to have an advocate

I haven’t changed the game. I didn’t know I should say, “oh, and please don’t do that when we’re married” because I’ve never had anyone do those type of things to me. I didn’t know I needed to say it. I was kind of in shock and allowed it a couple of times before getting up the courage to gently say, “you know, I don’t really like that” because it was an awkard conversation and I didn’t want to hurt his feelings. Now, when I try to tell him again and again, he just talks about having all the rules for him, like trying kissing and caressing before grabbing erogenous zones (when women aren’t aroused, it can be very uncomfortable). Sorry if that is such a demanding rule.

!!!

Definitely read a book with him.

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

I don’t know what the OP’s particular situation is, but yes, as a matter of fact, if a woman has a “past” (of whatever kind) that makes certain morally acceptable sexual practices abhorrent to her, yes, her husband does get to “suffer” that. That’s the woman he loves and that he has married. If he wanted a different woman, he could have married a different woman. (But if all goes well, with patience and love, it’s quite possible that her repertoire will expand.)

There’s a lot of entitlement coming through in your posts on this subject. A wife is not some sort of Chinese buffet of sexual treats for her husband to enjoy. Sex is a personal act and it’s supposed to be an act of love, not an act of consumption.

I didn’t get that vibe. But I can see where that could indeed be a problem for some.

That being said. If a man ever posts about his wife, if you reversed it, everybody and their mother would be on here saying he should do whatever she wants. For instance if a man said that his wife likes 30 minutes of foreplay to warm up, then everyone would say he should do it. Like my massage comment earlier. If I got on here and whined about how my wife wanted me to give her a backrub for 30 minutes and I did not particularly enjoy it, I would be laughed off the boards. It really does depend on what the act/fetish is though. But I sense both partners here are bringing their fair share of blame to the table through past actions…

 

[Xantippe]

That being said. If a man ever posts about his wife, if you reversed it, everybody and their mother would be on here saying he should do whatever she wants. For instance if a man said that his wife likes 30 minutes of foreplay to warm up, then everyone would say he should do it. Like my massage comment earlier. If I got on here and whined about how my wife wanted me to give her a backrub for 30 minutes and I did not particularly enjoy it, I would be laughed off the boards. It really does depend on what the act/fetish is though. But I sense both partners here are bringing their fair share of blame to the table through past actions…

Well, it is kind of gender specific–I don’t think you can reverse the genders and have exactly the same situation.

The OP’s husband has problems with understanding 1) the concept of foreplay and 2) consent. As the OP has described her situation, her husband is unwilling to engage in warm up activities, and he performs sexual acts with her that she has specifically told him not to do. In other words, he is sexually assaulting her.

Low libido is really the least of their problems.

 

[sailor28]

If possible, consider a different med that does not interfere with your sex drive. Is there any other way you can treat your condition? Also, regular exercise can really help in general with a feeling of well being.

Both spouses should definitely be able to communicate on what they desire and need. Counseling is a great idea.

 

[Perian]

You may be right. I may have had too high of an expectation for marriage after all the fluff of TOB. The ironic thing is that I rejected religious life because I didn’t think I could be a celibate after my sexual experiences. It’s also horrifying too me that I enjoyed sex much more before I was married. I thought It “finally” not being a sin would make a difference. Maybe I’m just being chastized for my past sins.

I could have written this, word-for-word. I was not as chaste as I should have been before marriage. I was deeply disillusioned by how sober everything was. The only thing I could conclude is that the bulk of the fever of premarital intimacy is the work of the evil spirits, to make us do it more and to break us when we did repent and sin no more.

I wish I were of more help. All I can say is that you need to be honest now about your scars. Delve into this together. What formed him? What formed you? No matter what you conclude, you deserve respect in the bedroom. A “wifely duty” means we cannot unreasonably deny our husbands pure, wholesome desire to be one with us if we do not have good reason to do so. It absolutely does not mean your body is his plaything. Ever.

 

[Perian]

Also, I think it’s going way too far to say you should never have married because of that. That is absolutely untrue and a leftover idea from our “You can’t get married without knowing you’re sexually compatible” culture. So, please don’t let that seed grow. It’s going to be okay with help, prayer, and good hearts.

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

Well, it is kind of gender specific–I don’t think you can reverse the genders and have exactly the same situation.

The OP’s husband has problems with understanding 1) the concept of foreplay and 2) consent. As the OP has described her situation, her husband is unwilling to engage in warm up activities, and he performs sexual acts with her that she has specifically told him not to do. In other words, he is sexually assaulting her.

Low libido is really the least of their problems.

I cannot make that leap with you. I was shocked the sexual assault card was not played sooner. It seems to happen around here often…

 

[Xantippe]

I cannot make that leap with you. I was shocked the sexual assault card was not played sooner. It seems to happen around here often…

If a woman says, “Don’t do XYZ” when XYZ is something sexual and a man does XYZ anyway (even when it’s his wife), you better believe it’s sexual assault.

It might be in all innocence the first time, but if it kept happening, I wouldn’t stick around for that and I wouldn’t suggest that any woman stick around waiting to see what comes next. (Hint: It’s something bad.)

It’s just not safe to be around people who don’t understand “no” and who don’t respect other people’s boundaries. A lot of women have learned this one the hard way.

 

[fpt]

I’ve shared nothing except we both are aware we aren’t virgins. He has children from other marriages, I have never been married.

I perform things for him I’d prefer not to, but do it anyway because I know he enjoys them.

I do not want to know because that is not my own business, but you should discuss about that with catholic specialists. What are those acts? Why do you prefer not to perform on him? Why these preferences, the causes and the factors? Are they normal or not, in the catholic way? Are they legitimate preferences, objectively speaking or totally unrealistic? Are they against the primary rights of husband to receive from her? The moral views, the spiritual views, the religious views, the psychological views, the cultural views and the mental views???

What I’m asking overall is when I’ve specifically said, “please don’t do that. I don’t like it” and he proceeds to do it, then what?

A issue of communication!!! Or your list of bans is too much, not normal. This list can reveal pathologies. The why . Or he can be selfish and unsensitive!!! The why, the factors!!!

Also, the low libido thing makes sex a chore and does not feel unitive most of the time. How do other women cope when they just go through the motions?

Do you love your husband, physically speaking? Do you want make love with him? Here, I am talking the will, not the desire and the pulsion? Do you desire his body, sexually speaking? Do you desire to possess his body, and to be possessed by him, physically speaking?

 

[fpt]

Some questions for helping your couple. I do not need your answers, of course.

What is your list of unacceptable acts to practice on his body, in the context of a session of the marital act? What are the reasons that justify each refusal? Spiritual reasons, religious reasons, moral reasons…etc? Are they normal, fair, just, realistic, legitimate??? Do you want to deprive him of his physical rights to receive on his body from you?

What is your list of unacceptable acts to be practiced on your body by him, in the context of a session of the marital act? What are the reasons that justify each refusal? Spiritual reasons, religious reasons, moral reasons…etc? Are they normal, fair, just, realistic, legitimate??? Do you want to deprive him of his physical rights on you???

What is his list of unacceptable acts to practice on your body, in the context of a session of the marital act? What are the reasons that justify each refusal? Spiritual reasons, religious reasons, moral reasons…etc? Are they normal, fair, just, realistic, legitimate??? Does he want to deprive you of your physical rights to receive on your body, from him?

What is his list of unacceptable acts to be practiced on his body, in the context of a session of the marital act? What are the reasons that justify each refusal? Spiritual reasons, religious reasons, moral reasons…etc? Are they normal, fair, just, realistic, legitimate??? Does he want to deprive you of your physical rights to practice on him???

General question:

Are there any sexual minimum acts that each one must consent to give and to receive (morally speaking, physically speaking and Co), otherwise it is impossible and even more?

 

[fpt]

If one spouse says yes to the marital request for the marital act coming from the other, are there a list of minimum acts in link with the conjugal sex that each one has to consent to give and to receive? What is the minimum necessary and compulsory? Otherwise, that would be totally unrealistic, crazy and co.

The issue of the opposability of minimum foreplay and of minimum sexual foreplay to give and to receive?

 

[fpt]

Corrections:

If one spouse says yes to the marital request for the marital act coming from the other,** is there a list of **minimum acts in link with the conjugal sex that each one has to consent to give and to receive? What is the minimum necessary and compulsory? Otherwise, that would be totally unrealistic, crazy and co.

The issue of the opposability of minimum foreplay and of minimum sexual foreplay to give and to receive?

 

[rose_kelly]

Hi everyone. It’s been a while since I posted but I’m feeling desperate/confused/disheartened. I’ve been serious about my faith for about 15 years now, including being a youth minister, studying TOB, being a catholic missionary, and discerning religious life. I only recently married at 40 years old and have been pretty disappointed overall. I was not inexperienced (unfortunately) which means I know what can be and what isn’t.

I have a low libido and would be content with a few times a month. Of course, that is not ok with my husband. On top of that, he enjoys things which I do not. Having studied TOB and met men who wouldn’t dream of asking their wives to perform acts they are not comfortable with, I feel very disappointed in my husband for not being that kind of man. I have tried to tell him certain things I don’t like, but he either doesn’t take me seriously or say that he likes it and it isn’t just about me. He does try to please me some of the time, but other times he’s content knowing I get nothing out of it as long as he is pleased. It feels nothing like a unitive act when I’m forcing myself to have sex when I have no interest. It feels demoralizing. I know women have struggled with this for ages and that it is part of our “wifely” duties, but how do you reconcile the teachings of TOB with all it’s talk of renewing your wedding vows and the reality of married life?

Thanks for any advice.

I don’t like that term “wifely duties” You will obviously feel demoralised if you see yourself as his property or sex slave.

Reading between the lines its a failure in communication that’s causing the problem.
Hopefully Tezza with the help of prayer the issue can be resolved if you love each other, but only if mutual understanding can occur, and try to become a little more assertive too, I’m sure that would help.

 

[Xantippe]

I don’t like that term “wifely duties” You will obviously feel demoralised if you see yourself as his property or sex slave.

Reading between the lines its a failure in communication that’s causing the problem.
Hopefully Tezza with the help of prayer the issue can be resolved if you love each other, but only if mutual understanding can occur, and try to become a little more assertive too, I’m sure that would help.

Yes about assertiveness. “Do this!” may work better and sound sexier than “Don’t do that.”

 

[Lookingforjoy]

It seems that there are four issues at play here…OP, correct me if I’m wrong.

1. Low libido - this is due to medication and I’m sure OP is talking with her doctor, so let’s leave this one be for the moment.
2. He’s asking her to do things she doesn’t want to do. If it’s painful for you or degrading, then yeah, don’t do it. But if it’s just something you feel “meh” about, then give a little and do it for him.
3. He’s not doing things she likes. Communication might be the key here. He should be as open to doing things you like as you are to doing things he likes.
4. He is not listening to her when she says “no,” even when things are physically uncomfortable. **This is a problem. **He needs to knock that off immediately. I’m not sure why others are brushing this off as no big deal. I would find it very difficult to maintain relations if my husband just shrugged it aside when I said, “Stop, that’s uncomfortable.”

Could you have a conversation outside of the bedroom, or at least not during sex? Maybe along the lines of, “I’m really trying to please you by being a good sport about doing XYZ for you. By the same token, it would make me so happy if you could do ABC for me. Could you try that?”

Also, OP, I think you deserve a lot of credit for coming here and looking for advice to help make things better. I didn’t get the impression that you were trying to “get out of having sex,” just that you were looking to reframe things to improve your relationship. Kudos to you.

 

[MJJean]

Yes about assertiveness. “Do this!” may work better and sound sexier than “Don’t do that.”

This is true for a lot of men, so I think it’s worth a shot. Distract him from the “rules” about what he is not allowed to do by assertively telling him what you want him to do.

In my experience, people tend to have the same basic sexual style regardless of who they are with and sexual troubles/dissatisfaction tend to spill over and infect other parts of the relationship. I’ve seen marriages end due to problems in the bedroom that caused the spouses to feel anger, resentment, bitterness, rejection, hurt, sadness, hopelessness, etc. Once those feelings start to take root and grow the whole relationship becomes tainted by them, the couple grows further and further apart, and eventually realize they make each other miserable. They see no other way out but affair and/or divorce. I think issues in the bedroom need to be dragged out into the light and handled as soon as someone realizes there is a problem. That way the problem is being dealt with and the couple can avoid or at least minimize difficulties elsewhere in their marriage.

I wonder if he had issues in his previous marriages relating to his fetishes and other things he liked to do or have done to him. It’s possible his previous wives had the same problems you are having, OP. Maybe he has never been good at taking “no” for an answer and maybe he never learned to touch a woman in places other than her breasts and genitals during foreplay. He may be selfish or he may be clueless or even a combination of the two.

I suggest you talk to him openly and honestly outside of the bedroom, get him a few books on lovemaking from the catholic perspective (Holy Sex might be a good one) and possibly seek a counselor. If his sexual style did cause problems for him before it might be something deeply embedded that he needs to work through with a therapist.

Also, as another poster said, it might be worth a shot to speak to a few doctors and investigate the possibility of medication that doesn’t reduce libido. But the real problem is that a higher sex drive won’t solve the problem of his fetishes, his inability to accept “no”, and his seeming lack of skill or selfishness. Those things would probably be best handled with a counselor until you both understand how to best handle them on your own.

 

[Tezza]

It seems that there are four issues at play here…OP, correct me if I’m wrong.

1. Low libido - this is due to medication and I’m sure OP is talking with her doctor, so let’s leave this one be for the moment.
2. He’s asking her to do things she doesn’t want to do. If it’s painful for you or degrading, then yeah, don’t do it. But if it’s just something you feel “meh” about, then give a little and do it for him.
3. He’s not doing things she likes. Communication might be the key here. He should be as open to doing things you like as you are to doing things he likes.
4. He is not listening to her when she says “no,” even when things are physically uncomfortable. **This is a problem. **He needs to knock that off immediately. I’m not sure why others are brushing this off as no big deal. I would find it very difficult to maintain relations if my husband just shrugged it aside when I said, “Stop, that’s uncomfortable.”

Could you have a conversation outside of the bedroom, or at least not during sex? Maybe along the lines of, “I’m really trying to please you by being a good sport about doing XYZ for you. By the same token, it would make me so happy if you could do ABC for me. Could you try that?”

Also, OP, I think you deserve a lot of credit for coming here and looking for advice to help make things better. I didn’t get the impression that you were trying to “get out of having sex,” just that you were looking to reframe things to improve your relationship. Kudos to you.

Thank you for your kind words. I should clarify that if I tell him something hurts, he stops. I have a retroverted uterus, so it makes some positions very uncomfortable. I have gritted my teeth through intercourse due to discomfort since I wasn’t aroused, had no hope of being aroused, and wanted him to finish. It kind of kills the mood for him if I say, “please hurry.” This is really where I"m trying to reconcile my knowledge of TOB/unity with it’s opposite reality.

There is one particular fetish he has that I have tried to talk with him both in and out of the bedroom. When we’ve discussed it, he acts like I’m lying, “Sure it bothers you. I’ve seen how you respond to it” or he considers me selfish because he enjoys it. I think he is resentful because the frequency for intercourse isn’t what he desires and, when it is there, my requests to try to make it more unitive (maybe we both can enjoy it), becomes me dictating how he should act. (sigh). I guess we’ll try discussing it with our therapist today.

To clarify: I am on a med to try to combat the libido side effect of the other med. Essentially, every med to treat this condition effects libido.

And for all who are posting, thank you for your advice. I will think on all everyone has shared.

 

[Tezza]

This is true for a lot of men, so I think it’s worth a shot. Distract him from the “rules” about what he is not allowed to do by assertively telling him what you want him to do.

In my experience, people tend to have the same basic sexual style regardless of who they are with and sexual troubles/dissatisfaction tend to spill over and infect other parts of the relationship. I’ve seen marriages end due to problems in the bedroom that caused the spouses to feel anger, resentment, bitterness, rejection, hurt, sadness, hopelessness, etc. Once those feelings start to take root and grow the whole relationship becomes tainted by them, the couple grows further and further apart, and eventually realize they make each other miserable. They see no other way out but affair and/or divorce. I think issues in the bedroom need to be dragged out into the light and handled as soon as someone realizes there is a problem. That way the problem is being dealt with and the couple can avoid or at least minimize difficulties elsewhere in their marriage.

I wonder if he had issues in his previous marriages relating to his fetishes and other things he liked to do or have done to him. It’s possible his previous wives had the same problems you are having, OP. Maybe he has never been good at taking “no” for an answer and maybe he never learned to touch a woman in places other than her breasts and genitals during foreplay. He may be selfish or he may be clueless or even a combination of the two.

I suggest you talk to him openly and honestly outside of the bedroom, get him a few books on lovemaking from the catholic perspective (Holy Sex might be a good one) and possibly seek a counselor. If his sexual style did cause problems for him before it might be something deeply embedded that he needs to work through with a therapist.

Also, as another poster said, it might be worth a shot to speak to a few doctors and investigate the possibility of medication that doesn’t reduce libido. But the real problem is that a higher sex drive won’t solve the problem of his fetishes, his inability to accept “no”, and his seeming lack of skill or selfishness. Those things would probably be best handled with a counselor until you both understand how to best handle them on your own.

Thanks for the info.

I have tried talking outside the bedroom, but I’ll try to be more clear. Maybe discussing it in therapy…

I agree with the other issues outside the bedroom…

I don’t know if this was a problem, and I would never ask. From what I gather by a few of his statements, he’s never had this much trouble in the bedroom before, so I guess it’s me. He’s also never been with a devout, TOB Catholic who tries to live that sex is more than a pleasure act. HIs response at times is, “Sometimes sex is just sex. Why do you have to make such a big deal out of everything?” And yes, he is Catholic, too.

The books thing is not a good idea. He resents it when I try to get him to read books on marriage, so I doubt he’d read something on lovemaking.

I married him. I made my bed, I guess I need to learn to have more sex in it.

 

[Xantippe]

There is one particular fetish he has that I have tried to talk with him both in and out of the bedroom. When we’ve discussed it, he acts like I’m lying, “Sure it bothers you. I’ve seen how you respond to it” or he considers me selfish because he enjoys it. I think he is resentful because the frequency for intercourse isn’t what he desires and, when it is there, my requests to try to make it more unitive (maybe we both can enjoy it), becomes me dictating how he should act. (sigh). I guess we’ll try discussing it with our therapist today.

His not believing you that you find something uncomfortable is bad. That’s something to talk to your counselor about.

By the way, you can point out gently to him that he may not be able to tell the difference between moans of discomfort and the other kind. (I’ve heard of this happening to other people.) You, on the other hand, know whether you are experiencing pleasure or extreme discomfort, so he ought to defer to your judgment on whether or not you are enjoying an activity.

You’ve got a Catch-22. On the one hand, I think you could probably get him to increase the quality if the frequency increased, but on the other hand, you are unlikely to increase the frequency when the quality is so terrible. So, it’s a standoff and neither of you will win if neither is willing to give a little. Maybe you could persuade him to let you decide what the activity is going to be if you initiate? That would be a very nice incentive for you to iniitiate.

Definitely show him some secular books. It’s not just a TOB thing–even from a very secular point of view, there are big problems with his approach.