What would you do if DD's friend reveals she has a crush on DD?

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triumphguy said:
I’ve come to this thread late:

But I always thought girls having crushes on other girls in their teens was normal and is something they grow out of.

We’ve over-sexualized everything now. Now someone doesn’t have a crush, nowadays they are bisexual - when they very probably aren’t.

And it doesn’t stop there: crushes aren’t just over-sexualized they are also politicized. So not just bi-sexual, but “queer.”

And I address this comment to the “queer” agenda: It’s just a crush - a temporary rush of hormones and affectionate feelings for crying out loud!
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Firstly, congrats on your “triumph” over your weight, triumphguy!

Regarding the above: so would you discourage activities with this girl? Or just think this is something that’s going to blow over?
 
PRmerger said:
Firstly, congrats on your “triumph” over your weight, triumphguy!

Regarding the above: so would you discourage activities with this girl? Or just think this is something that’s going to blow over?
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Thanks!

I would set boundaries precisely BECAUSE of the way the world is now. It’s become a “thing.”
 
PRmerger said:
Indeed.

But the parenting question for me is this: if you find out that your DD’s friend/associate/classmate is cheating, involved with drugs, or has a disordered attraction, do you discourage the friendship? I certainly have the ability to do that. (I wouldn’t invite the girl over, nor allow my daughter to go to her home.)

I want my children to be surrounded by goodness, not by dysfunction and poor character. (I get that we may be judging incorrectly whether someone who cheats or uses drugs as having poor character, rather than being guilty of just poor choices, but with my children I err on the side of caution, and if someone cheats or uses drugs, it says a lot about her, no?)

As far as if this were a boy crush, well, that’s not disordered so I think I’d handle that situation a bit differently.
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I would have to know more about the situation, the dynamics of the friendship, where they interact, how much time they interact, etc, etc. before I would say automatically I would discourage a certain friendship for my daughter. Same with the poor choices they may have made, I’d have to know more info before I exiled the friend.

Just curious, why wouldn’t you invite the girl over to your house? If you didn’t know this girl has a crush on your daughter, would you still feel the same about her or is it just that this tidbit has been revealed? Did you find the friendship troubling before you knew this information, because that would then mean for me I’ve noticed other aspects of the friendship I have found troubling and didn’t think it was a healthy relationship despite this news of the crush. The crush in itself wouldn’t make me tell my daughter she couldn’t be friends with this girl if everything else about the friendship seems healthy.
 
PRmerger said:
Indeed.

But the parenting question for me is this: if you find out that your DD’s friend/associate/classmate is cheating, involved with drugs, or has a disordered attraction, do you discourage the friendship? I certainly have the ability to do that. (I wouldn’t invite the girl over, nor allow my daughter to go to her home.)

I want my children to be surrounded by goodness, not by dysfunction and poor character. (I get that we may be judging incorrectly whether someone who cheats or uses drugs as having poor character, rather than being guilty of just poor choices, but with my children I err on the side of caution, and if someone cheats or uses drugs, it says a lot about her, no?)

As far as if this were a boy crush, well, that’s not disordered so I think I’d handle that situation a bit differently.
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So you wont let your daughter associate with sinners?
 
PatriceA said:
Just curious, why wouldn’t you invite the girl over to your house? If you didn’t know this girl has a crush on your daughter, would you still feel the same about her or is it just that this tidbit has been revealed? Did you find the friendship troubling before you knew this information, because that would then mean for me I’ve noticed other aspects of the friendship I have found troubling and didn’t think it was a healthy relationship despite this news of the crush. The crush in itself wouldn’t make me tell my daughter she couldn’t be friends with this girl if everything else about the friendship seems healthy.
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DD just started high school in August, and met this girl then. This entire group of friends is still navigating the waters so to speak. I’m not sure I’d call them “friends” but rather “friendly”.

With that said, to answer your question: I wouldn’t invite her over because of the crush thing. It reveals something about this girl that I don’t like. And I don’t want to encourage the friendship. She’s (the girl) either embracing the drama/trendiness, or embracing something disordered…either way, it’s not a good paradigm to embrace.

But I’m not fully invested in this opinion. Hence, my posting this question.
 
Dakota_Roberts said:
So you wont let your daughter associate with sinners?
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Sinners who know they’re sinning and trying to be better: yes.

Sinners who embrace their sin and celebrate it and engage in it merrily: no.

I hope that you would see the wisdom in this, yes?
 
triumphguy said:
Is this before or after you urinate on the carpet?:confused:
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Ummm…before?

I suppose you are making a reference to a scene in The Big Lebowski, which I saw and enjoyed but don’t remember a single thing about it?
 
Dakota_Roberts said:
So you wont let your daughter associate with sinners?
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It’s just 7 years since I was 14 and went through all this. It’s sad to see the same attitudes here I had to endure from my own family although it’s only to be expected I suppose. I left home as soon as I could to get away from it. I’m still not welcome home with a girlfriend and never will be. It upsets me, but it hurts my family more. But that was their choice, not mine. Many teenage girls do go through a phase but many also realise even at that age they’re attracted to girls and not boys, or, like in my case, both.
 
Bella92 said:
It’s just 7 years since I was 14 and went through all this. It’s sad to see the same attitudes here I had to endure from my own family although it’s only to be expected I suppose. I left home as soon as I could to get away from it. I’m still not welcome home with a girlfriend and never will be. It upsets me, but it hurts my family more. But that was their choice, not mine. Many teenage girls do go through a phase but many also realise even at that age they’re attracted to girls and not boys, or, like in my case, both.
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The fact that you had a disordered desire ought not have isolated your family from you. That was wrong for them to do.
 
PRmerger said:
DD just started high school in August, and met this girl then. This entire group of friends is still navigating the waters so to speak. I’m not sure I’d call them “friends” but rather “friendly”.

With that said, to answer your question: I wouldn’t invite her over because of the crush thing. It reveals something about this girl that I don’t like. And I don’t want to encourage the friendship. She’s (the girl) either embracing the drama/trendiness, or embracing something disordered…either way, it’s not a good paradigm to embrace.

But I’m not fully invested in this opinion. Hence, my posting this question.
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I think you have to follow your mother’s gut at this point. If this girl is embracing drama/trendiness, I’d have to ask myself just how far she’s going to let it play out and when this situation doesn’t go the way she’d like, how does she react and does she move on to other drama situations to manipulate the circle of friends. I’d probably limit my daughter’s interaction with the girl but I wouldn’t forbid them being around each other, especially if there is a whole group of people involved. I’d carefully monitor the situation, but encourage other friendships to develop in the meantime.
 
PatriceA said:
I think you have to follow your mother’s gut at this point. If this girl is embracing drama/trendiness, I’d have to ask myself just how far she’s going to let it play out and when this situation doesn’t go the way she’d like, how does she react and does she move on to other drama situations to manipulate the circle of friends. I’d probably limit my daughter’s interaction with the girl but I wouldn’t forbid them being around each other, especially if there is a whole group of people involved. I’d carefully monitor the situation, but encourage other friendships to develop in the meantime.
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👍
 
PRmerger said:
The fact that you had a disordered desire ought not have isolated your family from you. That was wrong for them to do.
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You wouldn’t do anything different. If your daughter turns out to be a lesbian or bisexual you won’t let her bring her girlfriend home and you won’t welcome her will you because you don’t even want her to be friends with this girl now and won’t invite her over. So if it comes down to your daughter being forced to choose between family or the woman she loves and lives with she might find she has to make the same choice I did. You’re in no position to criticise my family when you’d do exactly the same thing yourself, tell your daughter she’s welcome home anytime but not with another woman, while her brothers and other sisters are more than welcome into the house with their boyfriends and girlfriends.
 
Bella92 said:
You wouldn’t do anything different. If your daughter turns out to be a lesbian or bisexual you won’t let her bring her girlfriend home and you won’t welcome her will you because you don’t even want her to be friends with this girl now and won’t invite her over.
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Of course I would welcome my girl home, Bella!

Now, I wouldn’t let her merrily engage in her sinful behavior. But that’s different from welcoming her with open arms.

Just as if my DD were drinking poison, I wouldn’t allow her to do so because that’s what she felt would make her happy, but I’d certainly bring her back home to my loving embrace.
 
PatriceA said:
Actually she said she’d do nothing, and I take her word that’s what she meant until she says different.

It doesn’t matter if its this situation, a situation with drugs, a situation with cheating at school, a boy crush, a girl crush…doesn’t matter. You still stay active in your teenager’s life, more or less depending upon their needs, their skill set and their maturity at the time. And yes, not every teenager is the same, even within the same family. That’s why you keep those lines of communication open, you check in with them on their lives and relationships and hopefully you’ve developed trust with them so they can say “Mom, I’m in over my head and I need your help”. You don’t hover, you don’t necessarily intervene the first time they seem to be in trouble, but you don’t teach them right from wrong and then let them to their own devices. Perhaps you could have handled a girl crush, but not every teenager will be able to even after you think you’ve given them a firm foundation in faith and values.
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I know she said she’d do nothing. What I was saying is that she was specifically referring to this situation. When you responded to her post, you were making it sound like she’s some sort of bad mom who doesn’t do anything at all in regards to her children’s life, when all she said is that she’d do nothing IN THIS SITUATION.

Now, whether we think that’s a good call on her part or not, doesn’t matter. We raise our kids our way, and we let others raise their kids their way. This poster has said nothing to indicate she’s some sort of abusive or neglectful parent, so it isn’t our place to start criticizing/lecturing her on the way she chooses to parent her children.

That’s all I was saying.
 
Debora123 said:
I know she said she’d do nothing. What I was saying is that she was specifically referring to this situation. When you responded to her post, you were making it sound like she’s some sort of bad mom who doesn’t do anything at all in regards to her children’s life, when all she said is that she’d do nothing IN THIS SITUATION.

Now, whether we think that’s a good call on her part or not, doesn’t matter. We raise our kids our way, and we let others raise their kids their way. This poster has said nothing to indicate she’s some sort of abusive or neglectful parent, so it isn’t our place to start criticizing/lecturing her on the way she chooses to parent her children.

That’s all I was saying.
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Nope, you read way too much into my comment, as usual. Good job at trying to start some kind of debate. 👍
 
PRmerger said:
Ummm…before?

I suppose you are making a reference to a scene in The Big Lebowski, which I saw and enjoyed but don’t remember a single thing about it?
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Yes;)

so you just like the gifs then:p
 
PatriceA said:
Nope, you read way too much into my comment, as usual. Good job at trying to start some kind of debate. 👍
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:confused:

Wasn’t trying to start some kind of debate, just pointing something out. No need to be rude.
 
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