What would you do if you think your mother is a sociopath?

[Faithdancer]

Have you considered searching for a counselor who is Catholic, and can also serve as your spiritual director? It seems to me that we all need someone who understands and relates to our faith, since our Catholic Christian faith is integral to who we are. Good luck, Sister, and prayers for your healing!

 

[Bill_7154]

I heard an NPR piece about a sociopath last year, and there was one observation that really struck me. They said that a sociopath is, essentially, “emotionally deaf.”
npr.org/2011/05/26/136619689/can-a-test-really-tell-whos-a-psychopath

Nom the Wise,

I suppose that’s a good way to describe it ‘emotionally deaf’. I’m not sure what the minimum qualifications are in order to qualify as a sociopath, but what we typically see as sociopaths are people like Ted Bundy and other serial killers who can and do murder people and feel nothing about it whatsoever. To them it’s like the same thing as eating an ice cream cone. So that label is very, very heavy and the worst of the worst in society are sociopaths.

God Bless,
Bill

 

[mommamaree]

Hi. Like the other readers, I have deep sympathy for your situation and am sorry that you–or anyone–must endure this.

1. I’m wondering if your mother ever had a severe head injury, particularly at the front of the head in the area just below and just above the hairline when she was young. I’ve noticed a connection between such head injuries and the behavior being discussed here, however, I do not work in the field, that’s merely an observation I’ve noticed.
2. I’m wondering, also, if your mother is able to sincerely say that she is sorry for anything. Or, if, on the few occasions when she’s SAID she’s sorry, she’s done it with great drama and mockery, voice dripping with ridicule to make sure that you know she thinks you’re a baby, there’s no way she means it, and she’s going to make certain that you KNOW she’s actually ridiculing you. Does this sound familiar?

Additional questions:
3. Does she enjoy playing Queen (being dictatorial…"…or else!")

1. Do her tirades reek with contempt?
2. Does she parade about like an actress on a stage during her rants?
3. Does she have trouble holding back a smile, or even laugh, when she sees you’re hurt?

I, too, am still trying to sort out such behavior. Even though my sister (the narcissist closest to me) is now deceased, her seeming malice lingers and my heart still aches.

I’m curious if anyone else has seen these same displays.

Hi Qwestions,
I hope you don’t mind, but I numbered your questions so that I might more easily respond to each in turn.

Q1: No head injuries. However, my great-grandmother (ggm) was a certifiable sociopath who mentally and physically abused my grandmother (gm) throughout her childhood. My ggm had a fawning husband who bowed to her whims on everything. When my ggm died when my gm was a teen, her father turned that devotional obsession upon her till she was forced to run away. She kept things together alright, married a decent man, had babies, got her nursing degree, and then lost my grandfather in a tragic boating accident. Then things fell apart for her. She went into a deep depression, became suicidal, and an alcoholic. The death of my grandfather happened when my mother was 19. My own mother, on the other hand, by all accounts had some serious problems from infancy. My gm loved my mom, of course, but knew she was “special”. My gm was no saint, though. But no one in our family has ever said anything about psychopathy or sociopathy in her behavior. My recent line of thinking included wondering if sociopathy is partly genetic and did it skip a generation?

Q2: My mom does occasionally say she is sorry during the confrontation, but she never sounds sorry. More like, she is sorry that I called her on it. She starts with denial and outrage, then moves to a shallow-sounding contrition, then within a day, she turns to rage. Because she can no longer physically dominate me, her rage shows in “shaking with anger” and the tone of voice. She tries to lay traps for me in followup conversations. I will be honest, it is so predictable, and I am far more intelligent (not bragging here, it is just a fact that I have always been much more intellectual and educated, from about junior high onward, when I was placed in all the accelerated learning classes) that I can predict her reactions like clockwork. And they don’t work on my anymore, but I get really worn out by them. Since she can’t physically punish me, and her rages don’t work on me, she has become more mentally abusive over time.

Q3: She acted imperiously when I was a girl. I did most of the housework, and did all of the kitchen cleanup after dinner, as well as increasing amounts of cooking, while she sat in the living room watching TV with my dad. I also was expected to wait upon them, getting them their beverages (cokes) and my dad’s smokes. I also did all of the childcare during the times I was home, and whenever we were out in public as a family. I did most of the laundry. Other adults witnessed this and were horrified, but I never knew that until I came of age and was independent from my parents.

continued in next post due to length

 

[mommamaree]

continued from above post

Q4: Not really contempt, no, at least not any more. When she has used that tactic on me in the past, I get revved up for a fight and I do not back down. It is another situation where my higher intelligence has enabled me to defend myself. She has had to abandon that one since I came of age, and would no longer tolerate open contempt from my mother. But she did some pretty damaging stuff when I was a minor, like slapping my face hard enough to rattle my teeth whenever she didn’t like my tone (which was strange because the blows were always a surprise as I never backtalked or sassed, and was extremely compliant as a child). She also called me a b!tch many times.

Q5: Yes, she puts on a show, but her shows now are more sympathy-inducing and guilt-inducing than raging tirades.

Q6: No, but she acts suddenly sympathetic and then she turns right around and uses that as the weak point for her next attack. It has happened time and again. I have recently tried an experiment. She recently started making comments about how much trash my family produces and how little we recycle. She knows that I have been an avid recycler since my teens and try to recycle everything I can. She says that we produce so much trash and yet recycle so little. She pointed out how teeny our recycling bin is. I explained to her that is our inside one, and that we have a huge rolling bin outside. I also asked her to stop criticizing the amount of trash my family produces, because it hurts my feelings, as if we are just landfill fodder or something. She said, “Oh wow, I had no idea! I am so sorry.” Then what happened at the next visit? She started in on me about how much trash I throw away and how little recycling I do. And how she and her little family of three recycle more items than our family of five and how little trash she actually throws away. Fast forward two weeks later and my husband was cleaning the kitchen for me (sweet man) and he absentmindedly started to throw away recyclables. I went into a full-blown panic attack. I was so upset I started crying. And then it hit me. I realized that my fun with recycling, my happiness about being responsible and doing something good, had been systematically taken from me by my mother who knew of my love of recycling, and twisted into something where I am constantly afraid of throwing anything away in the trash can and terrified of polluting the earth and failing to be responsible. She does the same thing about my body, too, by making critical comments or inquiries about how much weight I have gained. I am currrently pregnant and nursing, and still emotionally reeling from a miscarriage that happened a week or two from when I conceived this baby, and she likes to ask me questions about how much weight I have put on, with the implication that I am looking fat right now. Once she knows where to strike, she will strike the same spot repeatedly. I have learned my only option is to appear impenetrable and invulnerable as much as I can, because asking her to stop cutting me down or hurting me only sets me up for a larger attack very soon.

I am sorry that your sister was this way. Was she an older sister? It is so difficult when someone who is supposed to love and protect us actually have such malice in their hearts toward us.

 

[mommamaree]

I’ve just realised that I messed up my previous post and the first sentence does not make much sense. I wrote that we can only be sure that someone has a disorder if God declares it so. OK, not the most sophisticated way to address it, but what I meant was this: even if your mother were diagnosed by a psychiatrist, would that make a difference to you? What would you do if that happened? Would you trust their professional judgement? (Doctors sometimes make mistakes, right?) Would that allow you to put some boundaries in place and to move on? You don’t need a professional opinion of a doctor to allow you to feel what you are feeling towards her. You have consulted literature and feel pretty sure that she has a personality disorder. Your life is full of evidence for it, so trust yourself here. My family members don’t believe that my father is a narcissit (he is just a bit difficult according to them) but I have learned to trust myself. I know what I experienced. I know these things are not normal. So I don’t care if they choose to explain it all away.

You are concerned about following God’s will in terms of honoring your mother. I worried about the same thing and that day when I decided to end all contact with my father I went to church, knelt in front of the tabernacle and begged Jesus to forgive me. I felt like a child who did something wrong and was afraid of being punished. I was terrified to be precise. And then I felt something that can be best described as a ‘spiritual hug’. He was holding me and I understood that he felt so sorry for me. He wasn’t going to punish me - he was suffering with me. God is not unreasonable - He knows us and our pain. He suffers with us because we are His beloved children. He didn’t put us on this earth in order to be abused, to be victims of our parents. So don’t be afraid. Ask for healing, pray for it every day. He wants you to be better and not to suffer like this.

Oh Contra Mundum,
I cannot express how much your beautiful post meant to me. I am overcome with tears right now. It helps so much to know that someone else has gone through this and has had the same fears and feelings. You understood me precisely. I do love my parents. I want to have a relationship with my mother. Even though she is making it nearly impossible, I fear that if I walk away instead of continuing to try to stay and absorb the abuse, that I am breaking the fourth commandment. I am beginning to see how misguided I was, but when my upbringing included a description of God as being very similar in character to my abusive parents, it has been hard to imagine that God might want me to be free from that so that He can heal me and fill me with His love and strength. I want so badly to believe it, but I am so afraid to step out in faith and finally reject the notion that God is just waiting for me to make a mistake or a misstep so that He can condemn me. Because that is how I was raised! Catholicism, IMO, is so beautiful in that there are so many ways to learn about God’s love, especially the love in the human heart of Jesus for each and every one of us. This reality is sadly overlooked or rejected by many protestant denominations.
And I am beginning to understand as well, that the devotion to Mary is there for us for very very good reasons. Jesus left us His apostles as well as His own dear mother. He was careful not to leave us orphaned in any way. We have spiritual fathers, and Mary is our spiritual mother, the best of all mothers. I am hoping that the Lord can finally open up my heart to that reality, because as a former-Baptist, Mariology has been problematic for me personally. Not intellectually, but emotionally.

 

[mommamaree]

Have you considered searching for a counselor who is Catholic, and can also serve as your spiritual director? It seems to me that we all need someone who understands and relates to our faith, since our Catholic Christian faith is integral to who we are. Good luck, Sister, and prayers for your healing!

Yes, Faithdancer. My counselor is actually a psychotherapist who is also Catholic. In fact, we go to the same church.

 

[mommamaree]

Nom the Wise,

I suppose that’s a good way to describe it ‘emotionally deaf’. I’m not sure what the minimum qualifications are in order to qualify as a sociopath, but what we typically see as sociopaths are people like Ted Bundy and other serial killers who can and do murder people and feel nothing about it whatsoever. To them it’s like the same thing as eating an ice cream cone. So that label is very, very heavy and the worst of the worst in society are sociopaths.

God Bless,
Bill

Bill, what you are describing is psychopaths. In my research, I have come across many explanations, but they all seem to say the same thing. Psychopaths are violent sociopaths. Most sociopaths are not homicidal, although many may be physically aggressive. But the great majority of sociopaths are people who use emotional and spiritual abuse, manipulation, and other covert tactics to accomplish their ends while attempting to hide out in the main population undetected. Experts estimate that we now have about 4% of the population being sociopathic to some degree. The percentage has grown dramatically over the last century, apparently due to societal change. There is less insistence upon even a pretense of civility and compassion nowadays, and sociopaths know that they can easily make themselves out to be the victim and thereby alienating their targets from the very people who can help the target to extricate themselves or to force the sociopath to be responsible for their actions.
You are right to say that the worst of society are sociopaths. The problem is, they are actually not all that rare. Psychopaths are much rarer, but sociopathy is becoming more prevalent.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Nom the Wise,

I suppose that’s a good way to describe it ‘emotionally deaf’. I’m not sure what the minimum qualifications are in order to qualify as a sociopath, but what we typically see as sociopaths are people like Ted Bundy and other serial killers who can and do murder people and feel nothing about it whatsoever. To them it’s like the same thing as eating an ice cream cone. So that label is very, very heavy and the worst of the worst in society are sociopaths.

God Bless,
Bill

Bill, the label of “sociopath” really belongs on a scale. There are the very malignant, like serial killers. And there are people who can live and work among us with only the label of “selfish” or “self-centered” because they either hide their narcissism or somehow learn to fake it. Psychologists who deal with narcissists (there is an overlap in terms between malignant narcissists and sociopaths) say there are many, many more of them than we suspect. Perhaps it’s our society, perhaps it’s other factors.

The sociopaths/malignant narcissists who fly under the radar still do tremendous damage to the social fabric. As you can see if you read the OP’s posts, she has twisted herself into knots trying to give and get love from a person (her mother) who cannot reciprocate. The energy that these people drain from others around them would probably power the globe for a year. They are vampires, sucking life out of everyone who comes into range. And they sow chaos their ENTIRE lives! The ripples from their actions spread outward nearly forever. For example, the family member that I am forced to deal with - his immediate family has suffered and been wounded. Therefore, they are not able to provide love and care to THEIR OWN families. Some may be mild to moderate narcissists themselves - my suspicion is that narcissism is at least in part, genetic. So the next generation is affected both directly (heredity) and indirectly (trying to get love from a person who is incapable of loving). That family member also has access to the 2nd generation of family and has already done damage to that generation. So the sins of the father are visited upon the sons, etc. There are hundreds if not thousands of business contacts that have also experienced this person’s manipulation, especially anger when betrayed.

You probably do know people who qualify as narcissists, if not the end of the scale psychopaths/sociopaths. The only difference is a matter of degree.

 

[Contra_Mundum_1]

Oh Contra Mundum,
I cannot express how much your beautiful post meant to me. I am overcome with tears right now. It helps so much to know that someone else has gone through this and has had the same fears and feelings.

I want so badly to believe it, but I am so afraid to step out in faith and finally reject the notion that God is just waiting for me to make a mistake or a misstep so that He can condemn me. Because that is how I was raised!

I’m so glad my incoherent posts were helpful.

I don’t know enough about what protestantism teaches about God’s love, but from what I’ve picked up here on the forum it doesn’t sound very healthy. I think you should pray for this intention: to understand God’s love and to accept it without fear, and to pray for healing. I prayed for healing after every communion that I took for about a year. It takes time so be prepared for it, for ups and downs, for a step forward and a step back. I don’t know how it happened but I simply noticed that I wasn’t consumed by it all at one point. I felt free. The memory still stings now and then but it doesn’t rule my life like it used to.

Btw, I was also pregnant when I decided to cut him off. He harassed me during my 1st pregnancy and he started doing the same with my 2nd. I just couldn’t take it anymore. I tried so hard to make it work, to create healthy boundaries, but all in vain. Trying to have a normal relationship made it worse because he interpreted it as lack of love on my part. He wanted complete control over me and my submission to his whims. Nothing less was acceptable. So I finally realised that I had to protect myself and my family from poison. It’s been like this for a year and a half - we are not in contact. I have peace and don’t suffer from anxiety anymore. I wish I had a normal father but I don’t. I have accepted this fact and survived. Desperately trying to make things work and putting up with his bs was the hardest bit.

 

[mommamaree]

I am spending a lot of time reading the Narcissists Suck blog and it is awesome. I really appreciate how she talks about what she has learned about the connection between malignant narcissism and sociopathy and psychopathy. Very helpful and relevant for me.

 

[Contra_Mundum_1]

I’m also reading the *Narcissists Suck *blog and it is amazing. Plus the author is a Christian! I think I will spend days reading this, it is so helpful.

 

[ringil]

But she really has “confided” in me so many of the trademark traits of a sociopath. She has admitted (as a defense when I confront her about her blatant manipulation or emotional abuse of me) that:

1. She does not feel love.
2. She feels emotionally dead.
3. She does not stop to consider the effects of her actions upon me.
4. She never thinks about the fact that I have feelings.
5. She says/does one thing while intending the exact opposite (example: when she married her third husband, she said “I do” but thought “Yeah, right, until I leave you, too”).
6. She has no concept of social norms, nor does she particularly care about them.
7. She thinks personal boundaries are evidence that someone does not have a “loving heart”.
8. She has been incredibly promiscuous in her life. Sexual boldness/promiscuity is a common trait apparently for sociopaths and narcissists.
   linking neon sign over her head that says “I am a sociopath. I will never change. I am dangerous. Stay away. But please don’t leave me.”

Well that list is CLASSIC borderline symptomology. Maybe her behavior can be better described in this way.

Individuals with Borderline traits do actually suffer psychic pain. Anti-social individuals aren’t likely to.

 

[ringil]

Have you considered searching for a counselor who is Catholic, and can also serve as your spiritual director? It seems to me that we all need someone who understands and relates to our faith, since our Catholic Christian faith is integral to who we are. Good luck, Sister, and prayers for your healing!

Folks are always saying that around here. You don’t necessarily need a self-professed Catholic therapist to make use of your faith in the therapeutic session.

Any licensed competent therapist will do this. I am Catholic but I don’t bill myself as the “Catholic” therapist.

You could have a therapist who puts themselves out there as Christian or Catholic who actually SUCKS.

 

[EasterJoy]

from DSM IV

Individuals with an Antisocial Personality Disorder show a lack of concern toward the expectations and rules of society and usually frequently become involved in at least minor violations of the rules of society and the rights of others. A popular term for this type of individual is “sociopath”. Although the diagnosis is limited to those persons over eighteen years of age, it usually involves a history of antisocial behavior before the age of fifteen. The individual often displays a pattern of lying, truancy, delinquency, substance abuse, running away from home and may have difficulty with the law. As an adult, the person often commits acts that are against the law and/or fails to live up to the requirements of a job, financial responsibility, or parenting responsibilities. They tend to have difficulty sustaining a long term marital relationship and frequently are involved in alcohol and drug abuse.

The signs and symptoms include:
Lack of concern regarding society’s rules and expectations.
Repeated violations of the rights of others.
Unlawful behavior.
Lack of regard for the truth
In parents, neglect or abuse of children.
Lack of a steady job. Frequent job changes through quitting and/or being fired
Tendencies toward physical aggression and extreme irritability.

Currently, there is no widely accepted effective method of treating sociopathic personality types. They tend to be very manipulative during treatment and tend to lie and cover up personal faults in themselves and have little insight into their behavior patterns.

They tend to exhibit short-term enthusiasm for treatment, particularly after an incident which has brought them into contact with society or the law, however, once this anxiety is relieved and reduced, they frequently drop out of treatment and fall back into the same sociopathic patterns that brought them into treatment initially.

In most cases, the prognosis remains unfavorable throughout the individual’s life-span.

An Antisocial Personality Disorder is not just a medical term for criminality. It describes a long term pervasive personality disorder that is very resistant to treatment. Suicide, alcoholism, vagrancy, social isolation are common among these individuals, but there is a remarkable lack of anxiety or depression for situations in which these emotions are usually expected. In spite of their run-ins with the law, they usually present a very charming and normal facade. Dynamically, these individuals remain fixed in earlier levels of development. Usually there is parental rejections and/or indifference and needs for satisfaction and security are not met. As a result, psychoanalytic theory holds that the ego which controls impulses between conscience and impulses is underdeveloped.

Behavior is usually id-directed due to this lack of ego strength, a result is a need for immediate gratification. An immature superego allows the individual to pursue gratification regardless of the means and without experiencing any of the feelings of guilt. Functioning has been implicated as an important doctrine in determining whether an individual develops this disorder. Usually the following circumstances are predisposed factors:

Absence of parental discipline.
Extreme poverty.
Removal from the home.
Growing up without parental figures of both sexes.
Erratic, inconsistent discipline.
Being “rescued” each time the person is in trouble and never having to suffer the consequences of his own behavior.
Maternal deprivation and lack of an appropriate “attachment”.

This problem is much more prevalent in males than females. If present in females, it usually occurs at the onset of puberty. In males the onset is usually earlier on in childhood. Behaviors can diminish somewhat after the age of thirty when the individual seems to “mellow out” and learns more effective ways of staying within the system. Clients tend to be very manipulative and lack motivation for change. They very rarely seek therapy voluntarily and they are usually forced into therapy through some involvement with the law or other aspects of their life. History also reveals significant impairment in social, marital, and occupational functioning. Therapists relate that these clients tend to lack emotional attachment to others. They tend to be personable, charming, and engaging and are usually above average in intelligence. This demeanor, however, is often a pretense intended to deceive others and facilitate the exploitation of others. Emotional reactions tend to be extreme and these individuals tend to lack concern for other people’s feelings, be preoccupied with their own interests, and tend to have grandiose expressions of their own importance. Insight and judgment are usually poor as is their responsiveness to therapy. Therapy should focus on helping the individual develop a trusting relationship with other significant people in their lives; children, spouses, etc. The client also needs to learn healthy ways to deal with anxiety and learn to postpone or defer gratification of impulses as a positive step toward developing a more mature and socially more positive way of interacting with others. Focus should also be on promoting development of alternate constructive methods of interacting with others rather than manipulation for self gain. Progress should be measured in terms of self control and use of appropriately assertive rather than aggressive behaviors to gain desired responses. Anxiety and frustration also need to be recognized and diminished and the client also needs to focus on appropriate means of management of these two emotions which tend to cause the greatest conflict with authority and others. Response to therapy is usually very poor, tends to be long term. However, most of these clients do discontinue therapy prematurely and only remain if forced or coerced which further complicates treatment.

 

[EasterJoy]

Keep in mind that there are not necessarily simple cause–>effect forces at play when it comes to predisposing factors. For instance, there is a greater pay-off to pretending conformity when you are rich than when you are poor. Likewise, if you have the genetic factors that lead to antisocial personality disorder, it is more likely that the parent you got it from is not there or will have treated you with neglect, leading you to be removed from the home. That parent will be prone to a bad work history and very poor decision-making with regards to money. In other words, if you have the nature component in your DNA, at least one of your parents may have the nature component, too, which unfortunately means your “nurture” can be affected, too.

 

[exoflare]

Another important thing is that if you end up going to therapy, don’t take the narcissist/sociopath along with you. It won’t do them any good and it can only hurt you even more.

Going for relationship counseling or therapy with the narcissist in your life is a bad idea. Narcissists have what is commonly referred to as a super-human capacity for manipulation, they are cold and calculating and often manipulate the therapist or counselor into taking their side and then they both proceed to tag-team the victim. In fact, many narcissists get into a therapeutic career in order to mask their narcissistic traits which upholds the false sense of self which then projects them as being a good person whilst placing them in a position of authority.

sparkster.hubpages.com/hub/Narcissistic-Personality-Disorder-Is-It-Me

 

[mommamaree]

Well that list is CLASSIC borderline symptomology. Maybe her behavior can be better described in this way.

Individuals with Borderline traits do actually suffer psychic pain. Anti-social individuals aren’t likely to.

This is her self-confessed list of issues. My list of her issues would be at least double in length. My husband does not believe that she actually feels any real emotions. He calls them “crocodile tears”. He says that even her sadness or her rage seems fake and put-on for effect. So I don’t know. I cannot possibly ever know what goes on in her heart, because she is also a liar and a self-aggrandizer.
I have been reading and researching non-stop today. My kids are having a sick day today, so they are resting and watching PBS while I read like crazy. I am starting to find more evidence by the hour that I am dealing with a real piece of work.

 

[mommamaree]

One good thing, though, is that I live 650 miles away from my mother. So geographically the distance is there. It is only emotional extrication that must be accomplished now. My husband says that under no circumstances am I to have any contact with her if she drives down here to confront me or manipulate me.
She has threatened suicide before to make me fearful of upsetting her. Apparently, this is quite a common tactic for malignant narcissists. Her repeated threats are emotional blackmail.

 

[EEgirl]

mommamaree,

I am so glad to hear that your husband supports you and sees the situation clearly. How nice that your mother in law is so supportive of you as well!

I have not had the misfortune of very close contact with an individual with a destructive personality disorder, but I know people who are intangled with these dangerous people. There is something so refreshing in being able to identify the mistreatment and give it a name. Reading about others who have overcome similar treatment is also empowering.

I was shocked to learn that an estimated 10% of the population has some sort of harmful personality disorder. It is so liberating to learn how to recognize these people before they can cause additional harm to you and to the people you love.

I cannot imagine what a trial it must be to grow up with a parent who has this defect. Your formative years are spent under the throng of crazy making. I stand in awe of those who overcome these adverse beginnings and become good people. Your cross has been heavy indeed!

Once you are able to see behind the mask, it is amazing how transparent the behaviours of these people become. You are not responsible for the happiness of other people. We choose to be happy for ourselves. It sounds like you have a wonderful family with your husband. I imagine your mother is jealous of that. That jealousy is her problem, not yours.

Blessings on you, and stay strong in your escape from emotional control.

Addendum:
Here is a thought from the narcissists suck blog (narcissists-suck.blogspot.com/2009/03/malignant-narcissism-brief-overview.html) that particularly sticks with me:
*Every human being is bent to one degree or other toward selfishness. So to define NPD as “being selfish” is not a definition that makes any sense because it would just be statement about the whole human race that wouldn’t help anyone identify the problem of human evil. Some people say that all humans struggle against being selfish and so are quick to state that we are all narcissists. Not so fast. The label is important because we are trying to identify a certain sub-set. There is a specific definition here that is important to grasp if you’re going to be able to deal with the problems that proceed from calculated and predatory human evil which is at the root of the definition of malignant narcissism.

Let’s look at the statement above, “…all humans struggle against being selfish.” No, they don’t. THAT is what this blog is about. The ones who don’t struggle against their selfish urges. It is about those human beings who long ago gave up any struggle against their lusts, their selfish entitlement attitude, their demands, their need to control others. Some, I believe, have never put up a real fight against their own selfish demands.

There is a creature that exists in human form that has become distinctly different than those of us who do struggle against selfishness. In a very deliberate and conscious way these people have made a decision to not fight against their selfish impulses. They have embraced them. They have found ways to completely justify them. They are quite proud of their freedom to do anything they want to anyone they want. They may be quietly smug about it or openly boastful; nevertheless, they’re proud of their ability to get their way.*

 

[EasterJoy]

One good thing, though, is that I live 650 miles away from my mother. So geographically the distance is there. It is only emotional extrication that must be accomplished now. My husband says that under no circumstances am I to have any contact with her if she drives down here to confront me or manipulate me.
She has threatened suicide before to make me fearful of upsetting her. Apparently, this is quite a common tactic for malignant narcissists. Her repeated threats are emotional blackmail.

“Only emotional extrication”…well, yes, easier than if you had to get a restraining order, but not by an order of magnitude, or anything. You still have an elephantine portion to swallow.

If someone threatens suicide, they need to be directed towards mental health treatment, rather than having the thinking pattern enabled through reward. Even if she were truly suicidal–being a narcissicist does not prevent you ever having true thoughts of suicide, after all–you’re still doing exactly the right thing by refusing to reward her threats of suicide. What she does with your response is out of your hands.