What would you do if your child wanted to leave the faith?

[Valiente88]

If Catholicism was so important to your husband he should have thought of the consequences before he started dating you.

Hehe, it’s funny you mention that. Our first four or five “dates” were his attempts at trying to convert me to Catholicism after hearing a speech I gave that he didn’t like in favour of gay marriage (and since I was a regular on the University debate team for Theological issues I never turned down a challenge).

You of course are under no obligation to teach Catholicism in your home. That is your husband’s job. He also has no right to push you into converting. That is bullying.

Oh no, he never has tried to force me (Pfft, as if he could ). It was actually him who told me to stop going to RCIA once he realized I was just going through the motions to try and make him happy.

I’m happy to have my children taught organized religion, and clearly there are far worse things to my eyes that my kids could be basing their morals on. In a way I’m simply glad they believe in God, they know there’s someone keeping an eye on their actions (and that I do believe).

You have every right to give honest answers to your children now that they are older. The church no longer requires a spouse to promise to raise the children Catholic because they can’t possibly enforce such a rule on non Catholics. Also, you can’t possibly know how you will feel about it when you actually have children. You promised under duress because you were in love.

That part is true, I’m under no illusion the Church would have at the time refused to marry me had I not accepted the terms of raising my children as Catholics (and of course, my husband would never dream of marrying outside the church).

I’m quite glad they no longer do ask that if that is the case, but I can understand why they do. A family unified by one faith can have more precious moments together,and has less points of contention dividing them. Contraception has been a constant source of angst in my marriage for instance.

Even if they don’t now I made a promise, part of my vows that I fully intend to fulfill as best I can.

Let your husband handle all the Catholic doctrine; that is his job as the Catholic parent. BTW- There are many children from devoutly two Catholic parent homes who question the church just as your daughter is doing now. Don’t let your husband put the blame on you.

It is, but I know he’s not the most eloquent man, I take part just to make is easier for him and I’m happy to better flesh out the “why” behind his beliefs when he’s a bit lost for words.

He hasn’t blamed me for this though, the only person he’s blaming is himself and that is what is troubling me the most.

 

[Book_Worm]

I think the most effective way to get a teenaged child to do something is to insist that she not do it.

I have relatives who are the most committed Catholics I know. They have seven children, all of whom had at least twelve years of Catholic schooling. The parents lead RCIA classes and are active in many ministries in their parish. Not ONE of their children is a practicing Catholic. My DH insists that it’s because their parents forced their religion on them.

There’s a big difference between forcing a teenager to attend Mass and lovingly inviting her to attend with her family because it is important to her father, who is, as you have said, a very devoted father.

 

[Non_Serviam]

If I might offer a couple of thoughts on the matter, I think your focus may be misplaced and that’s complicating things for you. You’ve stated your approach to interacting with catholicism very clearly, and it seems equally clear that your daughter is not following it. While there may be some similarity in the conclusions you are both drawing, their impact on your actions is very different.

If you are correct and much of this is linked to the presentation she heard at youth group, there is something you can do to help both your husband and your daughter. You can remind both of them that their grab bag of preferred beliefs and piety aren’t equivalent to the catholic faith. While he may prefer a more traditional approach, he needs to recognize that it may lead to his daughter rejecting the faith along with his preferred packaging of it.

She needs to realize that just because her concern for people may not be reflected by some others she has seen in the church, that this doesn’t necessarily mean that the solution is to jump ship. She definitely has a different set of priorities for her faith than her father, she needs to be encouraged to look beyond his expression of the faith to see other ways it has been lived and expressed and see if she has a better “fit” with them while she considers the issues that trouble her.

I’ll be honest, if I were you, I’d be likely to sit back and grin while he mucks things up (a character flaw of mine), but you love both of them and want the best for them, and that isn’t reactive conflict and quick decisions about life choices without proper consideration. Remind both of them of the importance of separating the faith from the form it’s in and the people representing it and see if they can’t find some neutral ground to work out a solution. Good luck.

 

[Anglewannabe]

I think this is one of the parts I struggle to comprehend the most, even though I do understand to him it is a real fear. Though it may be irrational to me, silly even it still hurts him. I wish I had the** eloquence could talk him out of it a**nd put his mind at ease but I know I can pull out any Deistic, Universalist or Atheistic argument I want but it wont make him blink. I have to admire the firmness with which he holds his faith, but it is causing him great pain.
.

Ouch ! and double ouch is my opinion as a Catholic. I don’t want to imagine the pain a man would got through when his wife who PROMISED to raise their children in the catholic faith not only wants to talk him out of it but write on a forum she thinks it is silly. My heart bleeds for your husband

 

[Anglewannabe]

I don’t wish to break my promise or antagonize him,

You already broke the promise when you attended gay weddings

 

[St_Francis]

I pretty much raised the children with the idea that they would attend Mass with the family no matter what (I never mentioned an age at which that would stop, so I figure I’ll let them deal with that ), but I would not “force” them to receive the sacraments either of Confession or Communion. My older two who have left the Church don’t seem to mind going because they have friends they can see, so there haven’t been problems in that area.

Your husband can remember that St Monica prayed for her son for 17 years and then he joined the Church

WRT your daughter, it’s a tough issue. I handled it badly when it first came up but learned how better to handle and explained to my children that I had been mistaken in how to handle it.

I don’t know if this would help your husband, but when I meet someone, I assume they are not in any way sinning. If they do or say something overt which indicates they are, then I continue to treat them as if they weren’t but I pray for them (not in a way so they would know). I do this with my children also, with an explanation of possible difficulties the person may have, so a girl who wears immodest clothing, I may say, “Oh, it’s too bad she doesn’t know or understand how that is a problem: we should pray for her.”

Some homosexuals have certain indications that they are, but not that they are active, others are open about being active. I do the same with them. I do believe it is very important to keep the lines of communication open for people.

However, it is first of all very clear that homosexual activity is sinful, from at least two directions (sex outside of marriage, and frustrating the end of sexual activity). And there are other problems, which I won’t go into.

As Catholics, we must be careful how we discuss the subject, being careful to explain to people our reasoning. Your husband, for example, may have said things against homosexual “marrage” where your children could hear, but he needs to explain *why *he holds that view (not just because the Church says so!). He needs to be able to explain these teachings to his children, so they will at least understand (if not agree) what and why he says what he says. Otherwise, it does come off as meanspirited, etc, esp in our current social atmosphere.

And really, he should be the one to do this. I know he is probably working and all that, but he needs to take the time to read a book or find explanations on the internet or whatever in order to be able to clarify his position to his daughter. And throughout all this, he should be praying for her and introducing her to mental prayer if she isn’t too far distant from God.

 

[Auntie_A]

I’m going to address your daughter’s issues; I think you’ve been critiqued enough.

If she watches TV I’m certain that she would watch shows that encourage her to not want to be homophobic or intolerant. And inevitably they frame it on TV as an intolerant civil rights issue. Remind her that the Catholic Church has had an impeccable record on civil rights issues. Question what the Church record really is, not what a bad TV writer wants to communicate.

Having a friend who believes he might be gay at age 15 can be confusing with loyalties: my friend or my church? It doesn’t have to become that. The Church questions homosexual behavior, as well as heterosexual behavior outside of marriage, but does not reject the homosexual person. They are both too young to jump to conclusions here. They need to learn the reasons behind the beliefs.

Go to a Courage group with your daughter. Read about Mother Teresa and how her sisters took care of AIDs patients when many of them were abandoned by their own friends. Look at St Augustine’s “seven steps to Love”, read history and talk about how people have been loved, judged, treated, by certain religions as well as in atheistic and fascist countries. Talk how one day you think something is right but then the tide turns and it’s wrong again. This has happened throughout history. What is truth?

Can we arrive at our decisions by rebellion? “Daddy gets so mad about the gay thing.” What about the possibility that daddy is right or half right but has a really bad way of communicating the facts.

Should a family be breaking and children pulling away from their Church when the world is really going into a very sad warp, possibly toward further war and violence. As a man once said to me, "do you really think gay marriage is a priority when terrorists are bombing, killing, and cutting off heads?

Can your family agree right now that prayer, God, and love are going to be important areas of agreement…the details of any new social structure should not break you off from God and your family.

Open your minds to something more than political pro or con, black or white thinking. Give yourself sometime to learn about all of the faith before you leave it.

Watch or read “and the band played on” by Randy Shilts. Randy, who was gay and eventually died from AIDS, chronicled how the gay world contributed to so many deaths by their own selfish pursuits of passion, lust, and money. The media would have us believe that any gay person is right, and the conservatives are wrong. And yes, some of the conservatives were wrong, too,on this issue. Read C Everett Coop, surgeon general under Reagan. He was appointed by conservatives, then shunned by them when he tried to get aggressive with AIDS education.

You just can’t cleanly do the blue versus red political game when you are searching for the truth here. Conservatives raise children with a same sex attraction. This is not political. It is not religious. A good religion will not recommend a debauched or disordered lifestyle of any kind. But a good religion will not abandon that soul either or send someone down the river who sincerely cannot fall in line with most people’s sexual preference.

Learn with your daughter that the world is a confusing mess and it is hard to take clear stands on things that still aren’t fully understood. Read the Ten Commandments, the acts of spiritual and corporal love and mercy, the Beatitudes, the Nicene Creed, the lives of the saints and especially the works of Jesus. Find agreement, not separation on an issue that no one can really understand.

Gayness is not just a simple lifestyle choice; but it is not an obvious rejection of Christ either. I have met some very religious and god-loving homosexual people in my life. I do not leave, disbelieve, or exit the Church because of its stand on any of those issues. I pray that God loves and forgives us all, including me, you, your husband, your daughter, her friend, and that we all find The Way to heaven. It is not so easy a path as " daddy’s wrong and mommy’s right."

 

[Valiente88]

I think the most effective way to get a teenaged child to do something is to insist that she not do it.

I have relatives who are the most committed Catholics I know. They have seven children, all of whom had at least twelve years of Catholic schooling. The parents lead RCIA classes and are active in many ministries in their parish. Not ONE of their children is a practicing Catholic. My DH insists that it’s because their parents forced their religion on them.

There’s a big difference between forcing a teenager to attend Mass and lovingly inviting her to attend with her family because it is important to her father, who is, as you have said, a very devoted father.

Yes, and thats the differentiation I need to emphasize to her. My only slight concern then is that if I’m not siding with him in enforcing a Catholic standard I am encouraging her to take up “Cafeteria Catholicism” which is going to upset him just as much.

Thanks for your (name removed by moderator)ut It’s appreciated

 

[Valiente88]

If I might offer a couple of thoughts on the matter, I think your focus may be misplaced and that’s complicating things for you. You’ve stated your approach to interacting with catholicism very clearly, and it seems equally clear that your daughter is not following it. While there may be some similarity in the conclusions you are both drawing, their impact on your actions is very different.

Is this referring to my going along with my Husbands plan to raise our children as Catholics; in that I just roll my eyes when I hear something that (to me) sounds silly but my daughter now openly speaks against?

I can’t really criticize her for that, before our marriage I was a very vocal critic of several religious denominations and regularly gave lectures against them (Catholic social teaching included once or twice, but it was never my main focus; Fundamentalist Protestantism and Salafism were the ones that got the majority of my critique).

If you are correct and much of this is linked to the presentation she heard at youth group, there is something you can do to help both your husband and your daughter. You can remind both of them that their grab bag of preferred beliefs and piety aren’t equivalent to the catholic faith. While he may prefer a more traditional approach, he needs to recognize that it may lead to his daughter rejecting the faith along with his preferred packaging of it.

That is a great concern of mine; I don’t care personally if my daughter belives in Catholicism but I don’t want to push her into agnosticism or Atheism either. I’m not openly opposed to liberal protestantism myself like her father is. I don’t believe in the source from which their brand of morality stems of course but they don’t say anything I could describe as “bad”, I’d even describe their fevour for social justice as good (an attribute that to ascribe to a revealed religion of any kind is something I’m often reluctant to do)

She needs to realize that just because her concern for people may not be reflected by some others she has seen in the church, that this doesn’t necessarily mean that the solution is to jump ship. She definitely has a different set of priorities for her faith than her father, she needs to be encouraged to look beyond his expression of the faith to see other ways it has been lived and expressed and see if she has a better “fit” with them while she considers the issues that trouble her.

You may be right, It would help broaden her experience and world view but art the same time anything not avowedly Catholic and traditionalist is not going to go down well with her father. He grumbles about our children attending the Novus Ordo mass at youth meets nevermind a non Catholic service or bible group.

I’ll be honest, if I were you, I’d be likely to sit back and grin while he mucks things up (a character flaw of mine), but you love both of them and want the best for them, and that isn’t reactive conflict and quick decisions about life choices without proper consideration. Remind both of them of the importance of separating the faith from the form it’s in and the people representing it and see if they can’t find some neutral ground to work out a solution. Good luck.

Hehe…Honestly, I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t sorely tempted but I resist, since I don’t want to make him feel any worse. I admit, I think he’s wrong and my daughters right on several of the topics she’s broached so far, opposition to the Latin mass being one of them but then again, I’m not a Catholic.

You bring up a good point though, my husband tends to see Traditional Latin Rite Catholicism as the only way with everything else as inferior at best whereas my daughter well…Doesn’t.

Thank you, all of these thoughts help

 

[Valiente88]

Ouch ! and double ouch is my opinion as a Catholic. I don’t want to imagine the pain a man would got through when his wife who PROMISED to raise their children in the catholic faith not only wants to talk him out of it but write on a forum she thinks it is silly. My heart bleeds for your husband

Well…Aren’t Catholics taught about the dangers of telling lies? I do think it is silly, he’s even read articles I’ve suggested to him linking fears of hell and a concept of sin to authoritarian societal control.

I think the idea is wrong and it is clearly causing him distress, why wouldn’t I want to rid him of it if I could? If I believed myself I’m sure I wouldn’t, but I don’t.

I promised to raise our children in the Catholic faith, I never promised at any point I would convert myself.

You already broke the promise when you attended gay weddings

Not just gay weddings, remarried divorcees and the weddings of non-practicing Catholics outside the church.

So ultimately the promise from the priest that I would not be expected to convert was a crock then? I don’t believe either of the above to be immoral or evil, but the Church if you are correct clearly doesn’t care much about my freedom of conscience or beliefs.

 

[Valiente88]

Hey, OP…I admire that you’ve been true to your own beliefs all these years and have been as honest as possible with your kids when they asked you questions, but at the same time, you didn’t attempt to sway them in the direction of your beliefs…and you did this for the sake of your husband’s feelings.
That is very selfless of you.

They say in the Catholic church that age 7 is the age of reason, right?
I guess that by age fourteen, then, after being brought up Catholic…your daughter is using her own reason now to figure out what she believes to be true and good and right.

Your husband wants you to be true to your beliefs–he didn’t want you to continue RCIA when he saw your heart and mind was not in it.

Does he feel it’s different when it comes to your daughter’s beliefs?

.

Thanks Daddygirl And I think he does, in my case he’s largely given up trying to convince me because (and I don’t want to offend him by saying this but it is true) he is not my academic equal, he knows I’m more scholarly and well read than he is and experience has shown he will never defeat me in a theological or philosophical debate. I’m not saying this to gloat, after all there are people who can, but he isn’t one of them. It’s less he’s happy for me to have my own beliefs, more he’s unable to prove them wrong but cannot concede me to be right.

I think that heightens his concern for our daughter, of course she’s only a child, I’ve had decades to ready a defense of my belief but he fears she’s being tugged over to the “dark side” and “the evil modern death culture” that our parish often speaks quite loudly against.

Were it down just to me I’d say “sure, make up your own mind now love, you’ve thought this through” but I can see that if she picks the “wrong” answer, he will be grievously upset and I’ve no idea how I could console that.

 

[Valiente88]

I pretty much raised the children with the idea that they would attend Mass with the family no matter what (I never mentioned an age at which that would stop, so I figure I’ll let them deal with that ), but I would not “force” them to receive the sacraments either of Confession or Communion. My older two who have left the Church don’t seem to mind going because they have friends they can see, so there haven’t been problems in that area.

Your husband can remember that St Monica prayed for her son for 17 years and then he joined the Church

WRT your daughter, it’s a tough issue. I handled it badly when it first came up but learned how better to handle and explained to my children that I had been mistaken in how to handle it.

I don’t know if this would help your husband, but when I meet someone, I assume they are not in any way sinning. If they do or say something overt which indicates they are, then I continue to treat them as if they weren’t but I pray for them (not in a way so they would know). I do this with my children also, with an explanation of possible difficulties the person may have, so a girl who wears immodest clothing, I may say, “Oh, it’s too bad she doesn’t know or understand how that is a problem: we should pray for her.”

Some homosexuals have certain indications that they are, but not that they are active, others are open about being active. I do the same with them. I do believe it is very important to keep the lines of communication open for people.

However, it is first of all very clear that homosexual activity is sinful, from at least two directions (sex outside of marriage, and frustrating the end of sexual activity). And there are other problems, which I won’t go into.

As Catholics, we must be careful how we discuss the subject, being careful to explain to people our reasoning. Your husband, for example, may have said things against homosexual “marrage” where your children could hear, but he needs to explain *why *he holds that view (not just because the Church says so!). He needs to be able to explain these teachings to his children, so they will at least understand (if not agree) what and why he says what he says. Otherwise, it does come off as meanspirited, etc, esp in our current social atmosphere.

And really, he should be the one to do this. I know he is probably working and all that, but he needs to take the time to read a book or find explanations on the internet or whatever in order to be able to clarify his position to his daughter. And throughout all this, he should be praying for her and introducing her to mental prayer if she isn’t too far distant from God.

Thanks for your response My daughter hasn’t gone so far as to question the authenticity of Christianity itself, her critique and skepticism seems centered more around Catholic teaching than wider Christian ones.

My husband isn’t one of those awful street preachers who just march up to people screeching about their sins, rather he does seem to remain silent until they openly say something like “Oh, We’re getting married on a beach by a female Minister” at which point then he feels obliged to state how their actions are sinful and how women aren’t fit to preach, even if they aren’t Catholics much to my ire (and the amusement of the party condemned in that case, who knew about my theological credentials).

St Monica is a good one to remind him to keep in his prayers, that may comfort him. Thank you

 

[Valiente88]

I’m going to address your daughter’s issues; I think you’ve been critiqued enough.

…

She actually surprised me this morning, I actually did try this tack at my mother in laws suggestion and she in response gave me a somewhat bastardized but no less true account of the Church’s traditional opposition to the abolition of slavery and womens suffrage.

I can’t really argue against that, since it is largely true and I agree that Catholic Church social policy while at times has been ahead of it’s time has largely been an utter shambles (Benedict’s XVI’s recommendation against the Bishops sharing information regarding sex abuse with outside secular authorities anyone?).

Having a friend who believes he might be gay at age 15 can be confusing with loyalties: my friend or my church? It d…

She does have them, and she rejects them as “stupid, they don’t make any sense. You can’t say you accept someone but they’re to live alone like a hermit for the rest of their life” (her words, not mine and again, It’s largely true)

Go to a Courage group with your …

I don’t know if going to a courage group would actually make her worse or not, she’s never been but I have once back when I was retraining at university. Their method and that used my alcoholic’s anonymous are near identical, treating homosexuality like an addiction.

It might not be quite as bad as the “pray the gay away” treatments offered by Exodus while it was still active, it’s clearly not doing much good for the homosexuals self esteem either.

Can we arrive at our decisions by rebellion? “Daddy gets so mad about the gay thing.” What about the possibility that daddy is right or half right but has a really bad way of communicating the facts.

I’m considering asking my mother in law to talk to her about it, I may be a theologian but clearly I’m biased in that I think her farther is wrong. She is a Catholic with a history of running RCIA classes so there can’t be any complaints from their side that I’ve been trying to convert her.

Should a family be breaking and children pulling away from their Church when the world is really going into a v…

Does two wrongs really make a right? Someone else is being stabbed so it’s ok for me to steal your purse because thats not as bad?

I know she’ll see the hole in that way of thinking, a year ago it might have done but not now.

Can your family agre…

…Again, I can’t really comment here. She’s still a Christian, just not a Catholic so she in her eyes is hardly breaking off from God.

Open your minds to something more than political pro or con, black or white thinking. Give yourself sometime to learn about all of the faith before you leave it.

A good point I can mention, I don’t want anyone to make a rash decision.

Watch or read "and the …

I’m not very familiar with this case, I’ll read up on this, thank you.

You just can’t cleanly do the blue versus red political game when you are searching for the truth here. Conservatives raise children with a same sex attraction. This is not political. It is not religious. A good religion will not recommend a debauched or disordered lifestyle of any kind. But a good religion will not abandon that soul either or send someone down the river who sincerely cannot fall in line with most people’s sexual preference.

…Again I can’t say too much here. I clearly don’t think the “gay lifestyle” is debauched, and I’m not going to openly critique it either.
I’m happy to explain why Catholics object, but I’d be selling out if I said for one moment I agreed with it.

Learn with your daughter that the world is a confusing mess and it is hard to take clear stands on things that still aren’t fully understood. Read the Ten Commandments, the acts of spiritual and corporal love and mercy, the Beatitudes, the Nicene Creed, the lives of the saints and especially the works of Jesus. Find agreement, not separation on an issue that no one can really understand.

Emphasizing the shared beliefs rather than the divisive ones is a good starting point for acceptance, thank you

Gayness is not just a simple lifestyle choice; but it is not an obvious rejection of Christ either. I have met some very religious and god-loving homosexual people in my life. I do not leave, disbelieve, or exit the Church because of its stand on any of those issues. I pray that God loves and forgives us all, including me, you, your husband, your daughter, her friend, and that we all find The Way to heaven. It is not so easy a path as " daddy’s wrong and mommy’s right."

No, far from it. She knows I know I don’t have all the answers but on the same hand I don’t think she believes her father to on matters of faith now either.

 

[Non_Serviam]

Is this referring to my going along with my Husbands plan to raise our children as Catholics; in that I just roll my eyes when I hear something that (to me) sounds silly but my daughter now openly speaks against?

Yes, and because she made it a part of her life, finding out that she has difficulties with things causes a much stronger reaction in her than she’s seen in you who has been able to keep it at arm’s length. While the difficulties I have with catholicism bother me because of my extended family, at the end of the day I can set my reaction to them aside, while they can’t because they live it. Both your family members are feeling pain on account of their faith while you feel it on account of their pain.

That is a great concern of mine; I don’t care personally if my daughter belives in Catholicism but I don’t want to push her into agnosticism or Atheism either. I’m not openly opposed to liberal protestantism myself like her father is. I don’t believe in the source from which their brand of morality stems of course but they don’t say anything I could describe as “bad”, I’d even describe their fevour for social justice as good (an attribute that to ascribe to a revealed religion of any kind is something I’m often reluctant to do)

That’s why it might be good for her to look more into the social justice traditions of catholicism. If she feels that the church is uncaring because of her perception of how it views her friend, it might be good for her to see how many catholics have emphasized working with the poor or oppressed and championing their causes. Or to look at eastern catholics and see how they’ve lived their faith in a minority situation where legislative influence and imposing their beliefs on others haven’t been an option.

You may be right, It would help broaden her experience and world view but art the same time anything not avowedly Catholic and traditionalist is not going to go down well with her father. He grumbles about our children attending the Novus Ordo mass at youth meets nevermind a non Catholic service or bible group.

I’m sorry if I gave the impression that I was suggesting something non-catholic. I was suggesting more that she explore some of the diversity of thought and service within catholicism to see if there was something she could relate to, before exploring elsewhere.

Hehe…Honestly, I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t sorely tempted but I resist, since I don’t want to make him feel any worse. I admit, I think he’s wrong and my daughters right on several of the topics she’s broached so far, opposition to the Latin mass being one of them but then again, I’m not a Catholic.

You bring up a good point though, my husband tends to see Traditional Latin Rite Catholicism as the only way with everything else as inferior at best whereas my daughter well…Doesn’t.

Thank you, all of these thoughts help

I think many of the TLM folks forget that the original catholic services were all in Greek, and that Latin was a “modern innovation”. I think he really needs to think hard about why the popes can accept both forms of the mass as valid, and recognize that it may be better for him if she keeps catholicism and expresses it differently from him in some ways, than if she rejects the whole thing because of the attitudes and priorities of those who enjoy a similar expression of that faith as him.

Glad this was helpful, hope things work out for all of you.

 

[mountee]

I have sent you a pm as your situation really hit home with me.

 

[sttcatherinefan]

Hey you seem like a very tough as nails lady, so I’m wondering why you haven’t confronted your mother-in-law. (Or perhaps you have.) She doesn’t seem like a very nice person.

 

[Valiente88]

Hey you seem like a very tough as nails lady, so I’m wondering why you haven’t confronted your mother-in-law. (Or perhaps you have.) She doesn’t seem like a very nice person.

Ah well, I’ve never been one to take prisoners and I prefer to just say it like it is.

My mother in law is infuriating to me but I don’t think it’s because she’s not a nice person, in an odd way I kinda understand why she does it; she fears for the souls of non believers like myself and she’s trying to scare me into compliance. I can see it’s an attempt at a good work on her part, even if I find it strange and the repetitiveness of it makes me want to claw her eyes out some days.

I just tend to nod and smile, I don’t really want to offend my husbands mother anyway, there are times and places to stand up and argue for something, but this isn’t one of them. Makes for a more peaceful life to just let it go.

 

[Irishmom2]

Hello

Other than that things have been rather smooth, and I have endeavored to do my best in supporting him and fulfill the promise I made prior to our marriage that I would support his efforts to raise our Children in the Catholic faith.

I personally do not care if she does or not, I wont lie I’m secretly rather proud of her that she’s begun to question the Church’s stance on homosexuality and Papal Infallibility all on her own without any pushing or direct (name removed by moderator)ut from myself (I am remaining outwardly neutral however, for the time being at least).

I find these two comments at odds with each other. I am not even sure why you asking a bunch of Catholics to help you not do what you promised your husband you would do…

I don’t even know if I think you truly have not pushed or directed her in any way. How can that be? If it were true, why are you here?

Perhaps I just really don’t understand what you are asking.

 

[Valiente88]

I find these two comments at odds with each other. I am not even sure why you asking a bunch of Catholics to help you not do what you promised your husband you would do…

I don’t even know if I think you truly have not pushed or directed her in any way. How can that be? If it were true, why are you here?

Perhaps I just really don’t understand what you are asking.

Honestly? Because I am at something of a loss as to what action to pursue, and I’m trying to consider every possibility available. I know if I ask anyone but a Catholic what their answer would be; “Stop pushing it down the girls neck”. I’m trying to come to some sort of compromise, if there is one available at all (and I have recived some very helpful suggestions in PM’s and thought provoking comments, so it hasn’t been for nought).

It helps to know what other Catholics think who aren’t on the “crime scene” so to speak.

 

[tafan]

Other than that things have been rather smooth, and I have endeavored to do my best in supporting him and fulfill the promise I made prior to our marriage that I would support his efforts to raise our Children in the Catholic faith

You did not just promise to support his efforts!!! Your promise was much more entailed than that. Every diocese has their own form which you must sign to make the promise, but it would have had the following on it from canon law:

Can. 1125 The local ordinary can grant a permission of this kind if there is a just and reasonable cause. He is not to grant it unless the following conditions have been fulfilled:

1/ the Catholic party is to declare that he or she is prepared to remove dangers of defecting from the faith and is to make a sincere promise to do all in his or her power so that all offspring are baptized and brought up in the Catholic Church;

It seems clear you have not taken your promise seriously. (A side note: you also promised not to provide any dangers from defecting from the faith by your husband. Arguing about contraception violates that promise.)

You ask in your thread title what would others do. The important question is what you should do? You must start acting such that you are doing all in your power so that your daughter is brought up in the Catholic Church!!!

You cannot “roll your eyes” when you hear your husband or mother-in-law or anyone say something about the Catholic faith which you find “silly”. You cannot ever argue with your husband about the Catholic faith. When your daughter asks you what you believe or why, you must answer “It is not important what I believe, God has not yet granted me the faith I want you to have. I want you to believe in what the Catholic Church teaches”.

Your daughter must know that while she is under your care, she will be in the Catholic Church, going to mass, confession, formation, etc. It is a rule you must place on her, not just your husband.

You must find good sources of Catholic formation for your daughter. You must go, every week, with your husband and daughter to mass on Sunday. At times, you must be the one who takes your daughter to confession. You need to stop at a Catholic Church with your daughter to make a visit to the Blessed Sacrament. You cannot be secretly proud when your daughter is wanting to leave the church, as that is a strong indication you have not been fulfilling your promise. In short, bringing your daughter up in the Catholic Church is a joint effort by you and your husband. You have only been supporting his efforts (and half-heartedly at that).

You have a few years to try to rectify the situation, if you have any honor with regards to solemn promises, you will start now.