what would you do?

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theUnknown2

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Hello,
My wife and I have been married for almost 4 years and we’ve been living in happiness due to mutual respect and love. Recently, however, an event occurred in our life that threatened our happiness. The story is lengthy so please bear with me as I attempt to illustrate below.

My youngest sister (which I will refer to as sister #10, she’s actually the 10th sibling in the family) graduated from college a few years ago. Shortly after graduation she found a job. Unfortunately, she became very ill soon after therefore had to abandon her job. Having no income, she’s been living with sister #3 who supported her financially since. Sister #3 is recently diagnosed with pre-diabetes, high blood pressure, anxiety and a bunch of other conditions… her health is failing. She told sister #2 that she’s contemplating early retirement but is concerned that she wouldn’t be able to support sister #10 with her very small early pension. But she just couldn’t work with the pain and has to go to emergency room from time to time. Sister #2 suggested that all siblings contribute with whatever amount they could afford to help out. that way sister #3 could retire early.

I feel that it’s the right thing to do. So i discussed with my wife about contributing $200 per month. She showed reluctance by suggesting we make sister #10 get a job or other siblings should contribute but not us. I explained to her that sister #10 can’t work because of her illness and it would be fair to every sibling that we all contribute. Besides, we both make decent white-collar salary and are relatively debt-free (other than the monthly mortgage). We have a cash reserve for rainy days. I told her that I’d either get a second part-time job or skim some of my 401K retirement money to contribute. She didn’t like me working second job, but was ok with skimming my 401k money. so i proceeded with the plan.
A couple days ago, she asked if i had reduced my 401K monthly saving. I told her that i had and she became very upset. She said “You actually did it? that’s not fair for me to have to support your sister. How come no money goes to my side of the family. If you care that much about your family why don’t you go live with them.” She’s threatened to throw me out of her life. I told her that if her family needs our help, we would; and if it makes her feel any better then she could send the same amount to her family. But she would not listen.
I’ve been very sad that my unfortunate sister #10 is ill and sadder that sister #3 is too becoming ill. And now, i’m about to be thrown out by my wife.
My question to you is “What would you do if you were me?”. I couldn’t turn my back on a family member in need. that’s immoral.
thank you for your time.
 
Perhaps you could offer a suggestion about only supporting your sister for 12 months and then re-evauluating the situation? Is there anything that your sister who is jobless could do, such as possibly working from home? If that’s a possibility you could discuss with your wife to support her temporarily?
You’re in my prayers that everything works out.
 
I would try to figure out what issue from her household of origin was triggered off in her head by this recent issue with your sisters. Whatever issue it is, it’s apparently a big one.
Does she perhaps have childhood poverty issues and poverty terror in her past? Does she perhaps have exploitation issues in her past where she saw some family members mercilessly exploit others? Does she feel that you and she might never be able to afford children…because of your having to support your family?
The first five years of marriage are a minefield of issues from the houses of origin until you manage to sort out the issues you both originally came from… and figure out how not to trigger off those buried landmines… those buried issues, those buried angers and resentments and injustices and fears…
 
I would tell my wife to grow up. The older we get the more of a reality it is that we will have to take care of our grandparents, parents and siblings. If it were her family that was ill, I’m sure she’d be pitching the same fit if you weren’t offering to do the same for her family.

You’re right to help contribute to the support of your sisters. Your wife is being selfish - ESPECIALLY since you can afford to do so.
 
Has sister #3 looked into applying for social security disability? Do you live in the U.S.?
 
former_Catholic said:
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Does she perhaps have childhood poverty issues and poverty terror in her past? Does she perhaps have exploitation issues in her past where she saw some family members mercilessly exploit others?
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Thanks for your response.
Wow, how do you know this? That’s exactly what it is!
As far as being able to afford to have children, we both feel that we could with our current financial state.
So now I know the cause… what’s the solution?
 
choose_to_love said:
Has sister #3 looked into applying for social security disability? Do you live in the U.S.?
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we live in the U.S. The problem is sister #3 cannot get any doctor to certify her condition, therefore wouldn’t be eligible for social security disability.
 
*From what I know about disability benefits, one has to be pretty close to not being able to do ANY kind of work…we have friends of the family that were in a horrific car accident two years ago, and the husband can work now, but the wife can barely walk, gets chronic daily headaches…needs constant meds, and supervision. So…it’s not easy to be put on that. If a doc won’t verify on paper that she can’t work, it will be tough…I dunno…

I like the idea the one poster had for maybe putting a time limit on helping. I would say though that your wife threatening to throw you out seems extreme. I mean, if this is the only issue that is bugging her, it seems extreme…unless this was her tipping point. (and you are having other difficulties in the marriage)

I’d have a calm heart to heart, and see if some type of compromise can be worked out. I will keep you all in my prayers. It’s a blessing to have siblings wishing to help each other, like you are with your sisters. :o*
 
Just a suggestion, but has your sister worked out any kind of budget or some sort on what she will need to live on AND support your other disabled sister and has it been shared amongst all the siblings that are contributing to their expenses? If not, maybe it would be wise to do so and if your wife is afraid of being exploited, maybe you could be specifically responsible for a utility bill or two? Or something that you know exactly where the money is going to cover. It might ease your wife’s fears as well as any questions that could possiblily come up in the future about your contributions, having a paper trail so to speak.
 
What an awful situation !

BUT it’s not uncommon for such conflicts to come up. Your wife is being very selfish in her approach and attitude. Sometimes I have the exact same problem - my wife was not brought with the same generous feelings towards others as I was. We are often at odds on giving to folks in need.

At times I have had to back off from being as generous as I would like. And at times she has had fits when she felt I gave much more that I should have.

My wife’s attitude comes a bit from her mother, who often had to deal with making ends meet on a tight budget when she was young. It’s not easy getting folks like that to change, but trying to talk things though is very important.

I’ve had the same problem where I thought we had an agreement on some big finacial issue only to discover later that she really did not agree to a solution at all. I had to back down from a very substantial pledge in order to keep peace in the family.

It was very embarassing but lucky for me, my commitment did not involve family and was not as problematic as yours. In your situation, I would approach her again, and clearly define what the situation is and make her see that you really have no choice in this matter.

The rest of the family is making a commitment to help family in need and it is clearly not right for you not to pitch in also. Make her put herself in your position and see what she would really do given the same situation. Maybe $200 is too much for her to consider giving, ask her what would be a fair amount to give based on your finances and what others are giving ? (how much is this in comparison to what other siblings are contributing).

Putting your marriage at risk for this, is really unfair and manipulative on her part. She really needs to ask herself, do I love my husband more, or money more. IF it is the later, then your marriage is on very shakey ground from the start. Maybe you both need to see a marriage counselor or priest to help you through this.

I pray this works out for you.
 
kage_ar said:
If #10 is truly disabled, she needs to apply for SSDI.
Click to expand...
Having had experience with a family member and SSDI, I can say this is not a short-term solution. It generally takes years for a successful SSDI claim - normally at least one appeal.

If she does not have a long work history, there probably would not be much benefit anyway.
 
theUnknown2 said:
So now I know the cause… what’s the solution?
Click to expand...
What’s the solution? It depends on the problem. There are a whole lot of problems here…

Problem #1: Sister #10’s health.
If she cannot get a diagnosis/certification of her condition…. She and/or somebody else needs to do some serious internet and library research on what she is dealing with healthwise and what she can do to help herself heal. Financial support is important but it doesn’t necessarily help anybody heal. Digging up Grandma’s yard, planting an organic garden, eliminating all junk and processed food and feeding Sister #10 a steady stream or fresh organic vegetable juices can give her body vitamins and minerals to enable the body, mind, and spirit to repair itself and regain its health. People have been detoxified and brought back to health against incredible odds by this method. If no one has a garden, setting up Sister #10 with jars and seeds to soak and sprout can help her rebuild her health. Look up anything by Ann Wigmore. Ann Wigmore brought herself back to health from gangrene and colon cancer by this method and founded her Hippocrates Institute to teach people how to restore their health. chetday.com/wigmore.html

Problem #2: No doctor will certify Sister #10’s condition.
Was Sister #10 exposed to some toxin at her workplace? She might be eligible for worker’s compensation or have grounds for a lawsuit against her former employer.
Workers have been known to develop mysterious illnesses from exposure to toxins in the workplace, and doctors sometimes have serious conflicts of interest when it comes to certifying and reporting cases of toxic exposures and hazardous conditions in workplaces.
On the other hand, doctors also do not certify serious conditions that might originate from substance abuse problems, self-abuse/personal choice issues, and iatrogenic (doctor-caused) conditions, and there are an awful lot of those around town too. How much do you really know about your sister’s condition? Has she become dependent on and incapacitated by drugs, prescription or otherwise? Is there any ongoing physical, chemical, or social mechanism reinforcing and contributing to her ill health that needs to be dealt with? (abusive boyfriend, dependency on prescription painkillers, etc…)

Problem #3: Sister #10 not eligible for social security disability.
She might be eligible for help from the department of vocational rehabilitation (DVR) or help from medicare or other community services, including useful advice and recommendations from illness-based support groups. Every avenue of public assistance from the community needs to be explored.

Problem #4: Organizing support for Sister #10 needs to be figured out as an entire family group with Sister #10 taking an active role in establishing a plan as to what needs to be done and what expectations and responsibilities everybody is to have of everybody else in the family. Is this a temporary measure for a temporary condition? If so, what all needs to be done to remedy this situation and for how long? Is this a permanent measure for a permanent condition? Who is keeping proper medical records here to establish a disability claim? Who is keeping proper records of financial support for income tax purposes? What sort of medical power of attorney or living will might need to be established? Is this a degenerative condition that will eventually cause her to be a ward of the state?

Problem #5: Negotiating and communicating with wife involves getting all the above questions, issues and concerns on the table and clearly addressed so that you look like you know what you are doing and so that you demonstrate your willingness and intention to make clear and responsible decisions together with your wife about your life plans, finances, responsibilities, and commitments to one another, your possible future children, and your respective families of origin.

Problem #6: If your wife has got poverty issues and poverty terror as issues from her childhood, you have got to go an extra mile in terms of getting all cards, questions, issues, and concerns onto the table and clearly addressed. You must very clearly demonstrate your unshakable intention to make clear and responsible decisions together with her about your life plans, finances, responsibilities, and commitments to one another, your possible future children, and your respective families of origin! Make that 5 or 10 extra miles that you must go in this regard!

Problem #7: As with any other post-trauma issue, childhood poverty and insecurity issues must be respected, validated, and honored as a significant part of one’s life experience. Issues of the present day that evoke that painful past can easily unleash a torrent of overwhelming emotions that originate in those old wounds, traumas, and terrors of the past.
A lifetime later, you can still see the terrors and abandonment of that forgotten 5 year old, once left behind with relatives, while her parents disappeared in the distance, going elsewhere to look for work and perhaps never to return.
A lifetime later, you can still see the exhaustion and overwhelming rage of an adolescent or teenager who was once sent to work in field or factory shaking a fist at this exploitative world and swearing “with God as my witness, I will never go hungry again!”
The issues of the present day that evoke that painful past can easily unleash the overwhelming emotions of the long forgotten child that adult once was… and there is nothing you can do but honor that fear and pain and let it come, and just understand it for what it is, and do your best to comfort the child that adult once was, and to gently help clarify and attempt to separate the present day and the present issues from the issues of the painful traumatic childhood.
 
Not sure if this helps in any way, but I have two things to say:
  1. When we married, my husband and I took on each others’ family as our own, so his brother is mine, and my brothers are his. If one brother needed help, we would help that brother, regardless of which side he was from, because he was our family member. I’m often surprised by how my husband regards my family. We have never helped out with large amounts of money, but we have gone to visit when they are sick and we have helped them move house and other things like that.
  2. After may years of knowing in theory the idea of living in the world but not of it, I’m beginning to shift my intentions to my own salvation, rather than worldly comfort. Finally, I see Heaven as the goal, and can base life decisions on that first, before other goals.
Not to say I’ve got it right, but I’m working on it.
 
kage_ ar: if Sis 10 has only worked a few years, she will probably not be insured under SSD. She should still file for SSI, current benefit is something like $675 per month, which I assume in these circumstances would really help, even though there will probably be a deduct for stuff provided by Sis 3.

semperJase: yes, it does take a long time. However, Sis 3 is getting early retirement, which suggests she has been working a long time. Sis 10, right, probably minimal SSD, but should look into SSI.

whatever: are your family friends back in Pittsburgh? I know some top-notch SS attorneys in that area, PM me if you want.

You don’t always need a doctor to certify that someone is disabled; in fact, SS reserves that decision for themselves. Even without a dead certain diagnosis, as long as the symptoms which result in the claimant being unable to work are documented in the medical record, and the claimant is seeking appropriate treatment, one can still be successful. Of course there are a lot of variables. You do need some substantiating records. Anyone who has questions should ask a disability attorney- - there’s lots of them, and they almost never charge a consultation fee. Legal Services handles this type of case too, I think, although that varies a lot be location.
 
This post reminds me of a dinner conversation we had on Ash Wednesday with our children. The question posed was, “At what point does service to others become unhealthy?” Of course, there is no concrete answer to that question as each and every circumstance is different. And everyone will carry their own “baggage” into those situations and it will affect their response.

Maybe your wife feels you are being taken advantage of by your family. I can relate to that because my husband is the doormat for his family. Maybe the amount of money you have decided to contribute is more than what she feels is reasonable. I do agree with the post that suggests reevaluating the situation periodically in case it’s not working out. But, you must tell your family up front when that time is so that when that time comes around they aren’t shocked and dismayed if you should change your mind.

Your family willl be included in my prayers.
 
Hi ! I’m not sure if this has already been suggested because I’m posting from my phone and haven’t yet read all replies but I have a possible comprimise … How about you offer $200 dollars worth of your time instead of cash ? Dedicate a weekend or two per month doing household repairs … Tune up / fix her car … Drive to doctor appts … Pick up RX’s … Etc… That way you are contributing and your wife can and should feel good about it too. God Bless you and I will pray for you ! I do recommend keeping your wife happy!
 
I think you should say ton your wife, “Darling, you are absolutely right. How could I be so selfish. let’s straight away establish a fund for your side of the family. You know, just in case one of them should fall ill. We will put into it each week the exact same amount that we set aside for my very ill sister. Then, should anyone from your side of the family ever become as sick as my sister, they will be well looked after and we will have done our share. So, come with me down to the bank…”

See how she likes that idea!
 
John21652 said:
I think you should say ton your wife, “Darling, you are absolutely right. How could I be so selfish. let’s straight away establish a fund for your side of the family. You know, just in case one of them should fall ill. We will put into it each week the exact same amount that we set aside for my very ill sister. Then, should anyone from your side of the family ever become as sick as my sister, they will be well looked after and we will have done our share. So, come with me down to the bank…”

See how she likes that idea!
Click to expand...
Either this or tell her yes you are right, we will invite sister #10 to live with us so we do not have to send cash.

So , God is giving the your wife an opportunity to grow in love and charity. That’s what marriage is for. Pray for her. Keep talking about it. Help her to see her selfishness in this situation. Remind her of the great blessings you have been given and that it is now in your power to share these blessings.
 
theUnknown2 said:
Hello,
So i discussed with my wife about contributing $200 per month. She showed reluctance by suggesting we make sister #10 get a job or other siblings should contribute but not us. I explained to her that sister #10 can’t work because of her illness and it would be fair to every sibling that we all contribute. Besides, we both make decent white-collar salary and are relatively debt-free (other than the monthly mortgage). We have a cash reserve for rainy days. I told her that I’d either get a second part-time job or skim some of my 401K retirement money to contribute. She didn’t like me working second job, but was ok with skimming my 401k money. so i proceeded with the plan.
A couple days ago, she asked if i had reduced my 401K monthly saving. I told her that i had and she became very upset. She said “You actually did it? that’s not fair for me to have to support your sister. How come no money goes to my side of the family. If you care that much about your family why don’t you go live with them.” She’s threatened to throw me out of her life. I told her that if her family needs our help, we would; and if it makes her feel any better then she could send the same amount to her family. But she would not listen.
Click to expand...
I think there is an even bigger issue here - your wife is playing “mind games” with you. If not a form of emotional abuse itself, it certainly can progress to emotional abuse if it is not “nipped in the bud” early. Who knows what else she will renege on in the future?

BTW, I may have missed this, but how old are you and your wife?
 
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