What would you do?

[Elzee]

A friend’s dilemma :Let her engaged daughter and her fiance sleep together in her house over the holidays when they come to visit or risk making him mad enough where it puts a strain on her relationship with him and her daughter.

 

[pensmama87]

I would not permit it, period, but how I approached discussing it would depend on my relationship with my daughter.

One way to handle it is to show the fiancé, as soon as they arrive, his sleeping arrangements, and then showing the daughter hers. Then it’s on them to choose to be bad guests.

 

[newf]

A friend’s dilemma :Let her engaged daughter and her fiance sleep together in her house over the holidays when they come to visit or risk making him mad enough where it puts a strain on her relationship with him and her daughter.

Are you serious? If your friend lives to be a pleaser and not stand up for what is right, hey go look up Chamberlain in WWII, see how it worked out for him.

 

[UbiCaritas]

A friend’s dilemma :Let her engaged daughter and her fiance sleep together in her house over the holidays when they come to visit or risk making him mad enough where it puts a strain on her relationship with him and her daughter.

I wouldn’t permit it, and that would go double if there are younger children in the house.

However, I would let them know about it well in advance, and in a non-dramatic, here’s-the-facts situation: “We can’t wait to see you and David for Thanksgiving! Just a heads-up, though, because I wanted to make sure you knew this in advance. We still have a house rule about non-married couples sharing a bedroom. We’d have you sleep with Sally in her room, and Dave would sleep in the guest room.”

That way, should they prefer to sleep together rather than stay at the house, the communication has been prior and clear about what to expect, and they can start looking at hotel prices. If your friend has never discussed this with them before, it’s not really fair to only bring it up on the day of, especially with hotels being pretty pricey and hard to find around the holidays.

I would also make a very strong effort to be as welcoming as possible to Dave. If Dave’s at all mature, he’ll understand about respecting the house rules of a place he’s staying, even if he doesn’t agree with them.

 

[Kelfa28]

I’m with everyone else.

Not permit it at all but my is would know this well in advanced. There would be no surprises.

We are in a similar situation now with my MIL. She is getting married for a third time this spring in a supposedly Christian wedding.

She has known where my husband and, by extension, I stand on this for awhile now.

It’s strained our relationship to the point where we’ve had to make some difficult decisions.

My advice would be to be gracious and accommodating to a point…he is going to be their son-in-law soon and the father to their grandkids.
But…let them know what the sleeping arrangements are and have them make a decision.

I really hope her daughter can be respectful of this arrangement…as well as her Fiancé.

 

[pensmama87]

I wouldn’t permit it, and that would go double if there are younger children in the house.

However, I would let them know about it well in advance, and in a non-dramatic, here’s-the-facts situation: “We can’t wait to see you and David for Thanksgiving! Just a heads-up, though, because I wanted to make sure you knew this in advance. We still have a house rule about non-married couples sharing a bedroom. We’d have you sleep with Sally in her room, and Dave would sleep in the guest room.”

That way, should they prefer to sleep together rather than stay at the house, the communication has been prior and clear about what to expect, and they can start looking at hotel prices. If your friend has never discussed this with them before, it’s not really fair to only bring it up on the day of, especially with hotels being pretty pricey and hard to find around the holidays.

I would also make a very strong effort to be as welcoming as possible to Dave. If Dave’s at all mature, he’ll understand about respecting the house rules of a place he’s staying, even if he doesn’t agree with them.

I guess my concern about this is the mom acting as if it’s a given that they sleep together (if they live together, I guess it makes sense, but I wouldn’t want to treat it as a foregone conclusion, if that makes sense.)

Maybe they’re chatting on the phone like you say, but ask, “we’re so excited to see you and Dave! I was thinking he would be pretty comfortable in the spare room - I’ll have to remember to make up the bed before putting the pies in…”

I dunno, I think sometimes there’s a lot to be said for saying as little as possible.

 

[E_7]

A friend’s dilemma :Let her engaged daughter and her fiance sleep together in her house over the holidays when they come to visit or risk making him mad enough where it puts a strain on her relationship with him and her daughter.

Sleep together as in the same bedroom in my house just for the holidays? No.

Sleep “together” as in the same house , but different rooms in my house just for the holidays? Sure. I don’t see any problem.

EDIT: I’m assuming the daughter lives with the mom, and not cohabiting with the fiancé.

 

[Elzee]

They live together E7. Sadly I just learned the mom has already let them stay in the same bedroom in her house before. She doesn’t like it but is worried it will ruin their relationship.

 

[Tim_D]

Are you serious? If your friend lives to be a pleaser and not stand up for what is right, hey go look up Chamberlain in WWII, see how it worked out for him.

Are you suggesting that Hitler will invade their house if they sleep together???

 

[Catholic1954]

They live together E7. Sadly I just learned the mom has already let them stay in the same bedroom in her house before. She doesn’t like it but is worried it will ruin their relationship.

Their relationship is already off to a bad start. Her house, her rules, but I can understand if they make a fuss, because she has already given permission and is now taking it back.

 

[UbiCaritas]

Their relationship is already off to a bad start. Her house, her rules, but I can understand if they make a fuss, because she has already given permission and is now taking it back.

Ouch. That does make it more difficult.

Were it me, I’d throw an apology in there for having mislead them in the first place. “Hon, I apologize. I shouldn’t have let you and Dave stay in the same room. It was wrong of me for a number of reasons, including that I’ve set up expectations that I can’t fulfil in the future.”

pensmama87–I like your method of handling it if there was a question at all of if they were sleeping together. As you say, the least said is oftentimes the easiest.

 

[Graceful_Lamb]

Since your friend has already allowed them to sleep in the same room, I think it is going to be very hard to change that now. It is possible, but I think it is going to cause issues. It would have been better if your friend never allowed it to begin with.

I think that if your friend is serious about changing her tune, she needs to say something upfront. Let her daughter know that she has had a change of heart about them sleep together in the same room in her house.

I’m sure this is going to cause issues, because your friend is changing her mind. I’m sure that they are probably counting on being able to sleep together in the same room.

 

[1990Domer]

I would not permit it, period, but how I approached discussing it would depend on my relationship with my daughter.

One way to handle it is to show the fiancé, as soon as they arrive, his sleeping arrangements, and then showing the daughter hers. Then it’s on them to choose to be bad guests.

Yep! Although I was really mad when MIL let her gay son & lover share a bed!

 

[maryjk]

They live together E7. Sadly I just learned the mom has already let them stay in the same bedroom in her house before. She doesn’t like it but is worried it will ruin their relationship.

That is sad.

I lived with my husband, when he was my boyfriend.

When we stayed with my parents, we slept in different rooms. That’s just the way it was. Mom made it perfectly clear well before we showed up. And it was on me to explain it to my husband.

Once we were married, we were then allowed to sleep together at their place.

 

[esieffe]

How about trying a friendly “You can have your old room and Jack gets the sofa…kay?”

Presentation is everything. Do it all with a dose of humor. Failing that, then you can get real.

 

[esieffe]

That is sad.

I lived with my husband, when he was my boyfriend.

When we stayed with my parents, we slept in different rooms. That’s just the way it was. Mom made it perfectly clear well before we showed up. And it was on me to explain it to my husband.

Once we were married, we were then allowed to sleep together at their place.

That is the way my mom was. She didn’t get involved with what was going on outside her house. In HER house it was a whole nother story, and that was that. Everyone respected it with no argument.

 

[Mary_Estelle]

Are you suggesting that Hitler will invade their house if they sleep together???

What he is saying is that appeasement does not work-but you already know what the poster is referring to, right?

 

[ServusHumilis]

I would say definitely not, though it may be tough now that a precedent has been set.

 

[Gordon_Sims]

I’d make my intentions clear and be firm about it. My house, my rules. Also, be fair *and *consistent. My wife and I dealt with this in a way when we were dating/engaged. The parents of most of the people we knew let them sleep in the same bed when they stayed over as soon as they got engaged or moved in together. We were the only exceptions, which is amusing because we were the only ones who weren’t sexually active. We slept in the same bed twice (once in my room, after my birthday, no other sleeping arrangements due to other family staying over, I was too drunk to stand, door wide open, both of us fully clothed, her under the sheets, me on top, back to back; and once at her parents’ house due to bad weather, fully clothed plus coats on due to the furnace dying, on a sectional, L-shaped couch, each on one section with our feet touching at the L), and each time the reaction was sheer rage. We were actually grounded from seeing each other after both occasions, although during one of the groundings my brother’s fiance was allowed to stay over twice (door shut and locked, of course). To this day we have one relative who won’t let us (and only us, and that includes the unmarried couples) share a bed if we stay over due to our unsavory, immoral actions when we were engaged.

 

[Elzee]

Thank you all for the advice. I’ll pass it on. I guess what bothers me, too, is the disrespect the girl and her fiance are showing . She knows how her mom feels, but is selfishly putting herself first, in her MOM’s house. At 28 years old, I would hope for something more.