Alright, So thanks for your thoughts everyone, and sorry if I’ve been arrogant.
Maybe I can be more clear about my intentions for anyone else wanting to respond to this, and give me advise. I do care what other people think, even those around me like my parents. I am on this forum asking for advise because I am cautious and try to have a well formed conscious, because the catholic church teaches that a well formed conscious is our highest authority on earth. I deeply believe that the catholic church has absolutely everything right, not just because I choose to believe that, but because of facts, and history, and many other little things in life that are too numerous and detailed to explain.
I know why my mother is the way she is when it comes to alcohol. I understand where she is coming from, and even though my father won’t be specific about his young life, I have deduced what has made him the way he is as well. See, I want to be a psychologist someday, and I have always tried my hardest to know and understand what is a factor in someone’s life that makes them think and act a certain way. I am not oblivious to my parent’s feelings, or thoughts. And thus far, I’ve predicted them fairly accurately. I am not going to divulge on my mother because I don’t feel that is going to help this conversation go in the direction of giving me advise, but it’ll just become a debate.
Someone asked if my father is abusive. Yes, he is. Not physically, though in my youth there were instance of that too, but he is abusive mentally. My sister is 19 and suffers severe self-esteem issues because he has called her stupid and moronic so many times that she believes him. Every time she tries to do something, he is calling her stupid in the back of her mind, forcing her to think that she can’t do anything. To me, he has not done such things. He only praises me for being wise and educated. What he has done to me is be prejudice and biased. I just got over my first relationship, and it lasted 2 months. The entire time, he never met her (because I didn’t want to put her in that situation) and yet he said that my relationship with her doesn’t have his blessing because “She is liberal and protestant.” So me telling him the truth about the woman I like just ended with me being forced to twist his arm to let me do ANYTHING. That is REALLY encouraging me to tell the truth ever again(sarcasm)… I am on the verge of dating another girl, and I think she is Lutheran, so I really want to tell him that she is catholic, just so he won’t be such a prejudice douche. Whenever he tries to talk to me man to man about dating and such, he always insinuates that sex is all I’m after. If that were true, would I have had my first girlfriend at 16? Wouldn’t I have at least kissed a girl by now? To some psychological degree that may be true, but my honest intentions aren’t to have sex. I believe what the catholic church teaches and I love it’s doctrine of chastity. That’s why I’m so deeply bothered by my pornography issues… I don’t feel like it’s something I can just quit, because I’ve tried so many many times, and it never works. Smoking marijuana has actually helped thus far. I’ve been 2 days now without pornography and it’s because I’ve been busier because of Marijuana. Not really a lasting solution, but until God decides to intervene, I don’t see how it’ll happen.
Back on topic, my father is insanely zealous, and it makes him hard to approach about anything. Ever since we become catholic, ANY conversation turns into a rant about how Catholic’s are right, and protestants are wrong, and screw the world because it doesn’t have anything right. I made the mistake of saying that Martin Luther TRIED to do some good. (I said this because of my AP European class) And I got grounded indefinitely. FUN! I THINK I’LL TELL HIM WHAT I THINK ABOUT OTHER ISSUES AND HAVE CONVERSATIONS WITH HIM ON A DAILY BASIS, BECAUSE THAT ENDS VERY WELL! :banghead:
Is what I said making sense? Am I being that illogical in my reasonings? I can’t tell my dad a damned thing, and it’s his fault, so he can suffer the consequences. If that means I don’t respect a word that comes out of his mouth any more, then so be it. If that means that I have a deep hatred of his racist, prejudice, propaganda-filled ways, then so be it.
Last night I dreamt that there was a nuclear fallout of some sort that left maybe half of the population of America alive. My parents were never mentioned in the dream, but my sister and I were running about our state trying to find shelter and food and such. I liked it more than I like living as I do now… My whole point in telling you guys that thing about me thinking my life would get better if my parents died, is really to focus on the emotional state of mind I am in. Forget the money, the only reason that was even brought up was because I wanted to tell you why I said my life would get better rather than just say that it would and leave it at that. I found it very strange when I first had that thought that when I imagined life without my parents, no tears came to my eyes, the idea of sadness was not even in my mind. I figured that was an unusual reaction to “loved-ones” dying. I’m not one to really hold back tears… If a movie is sad, and I’m really into the movie, I’ll cry. One time all I did was think about what if my dog died, and I cried. I cried over “Click”, that Adam Sandler movie, and even “eight crazy nights.” And yet I don’t find it sad to think of a world without my parents. It’s like I’ve hit the stage of acceptance over their death before they’ve even died. Maybe because they’re dead to me, on the inside? I know that sounds horrible and I know that’s not normal… I’m not trying to justify it, I’m just tell you what is up…