What's a compassionate response to a non-remorseful, "Well, I had an abortion..."?

  • Thread starter Thread starter PRmerger
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
P

PRmerger

Guest
How does one respond to a woman’s disclosure, “Well, I had an abortion” and “I have no regrets”.

Usually these women are acquaintances and the topic of conversation may be my opposition to abortion, or the Church’s teaching against abortion, or, really, any situation discussing our past lives.

I am at a loss as to how to respond. "I’m sorry!" is meaningless if the woman expresses no remorse. "Really?’ is too non-commital. *“You sinner!” *is…well…simply ghastly. :eek:

Suggestions?
 
“I will pray for you and for your child. May God and Our Lady watch over you both.”

Then pray.
 
Tantum_ergo said:
“I will pray for you and for your child. May God and Our Lady watch over you both.”

Then pray.
Click to expand...
Well…I’ve had a PETA person tell me that she’d pray for me when I expressed my carniverous cravings. I did not care whether she prayed or not–it didn’t change the fact that I don’t find it immoral whatsoever to barbeque a steak!
 
And your prayer may not ‘change’ that woman’s heart.

Still, the only possible compassionate response to anyone who is unrepentant over his/her sin is to pray for them to Almighty God and the Blessed Mother.
 
Sometimes silence is the only appropriate thing to a remark.

What good would saying anything to the person do in this case?
 
Hi PRMerger…
What a challenge you have proposed to take up where many of us fail to do so. God Bless You for this!

Offering a compassionate remark I believe would be best determined by the environment; the situation and person itself. Are you in a public location…many people around? Are you well acquainted? If so, I would use a lowered tone of voice such as to convey intimacy and let her that if she ever found herself changing her mind about her decision, to call me to talk about it. (I tend to touch people lightly on the arm when I speak personally to them; if you can do this comfortably then it might let her know that you’re being sincere.) If that time later presented itself, I would listen and then offer her the number or website to Rachel’s Vineyard. Regardless, I would make the time to offer a silent sincere prayer for her, the child, and the father.

If I found that the environment was not conducive to a a few seconds or minutes of personal chat, I would most certainly acknowledge her remark kindly by making eye contact and then again, offer my most sincere prayers for the woman, the child and the father silently.

You are certainly pleasing the Father with your intentions…please know this. These women may not change their minds but every prayer offered is definitely not a waste of anyone’s time; especially God’s.
 
I have had two women deliberately inform me about their abortions, knowing my beliefs (crisis pregnancy counsellor), one a neighbour the other a SIL. All I can say is that some women have the maternal instincts of an alligater. Sorry, I am talking about those who throw it in someone’s face.

Yes well, most women do not regret having an abortion for about 7 - 10years. Reassure them that when they eventually need help they can find it from the pro-life community, as professional psychologists and counsellors don’t recognise abortion as a problem and very often can’t help women resolve their grieving and find healing.

My SIL also told me that she would definitely recommend abortion to her daughters (3) if they found themselves in a situation where they did not want to have the baby. We used to be fairly close but now never see each other except maybe every couple of years.
 
Eileen_T said:
I have had two women deliberately inform me about their abortions, knowing my beliefs (crisis pregnancy counsellor), one a neighbour the other a SIL. All I can say is that some women have the maternal instincts of an alligater. Sorry, I am talking about those who throw it in someone’s face.

Yes well, most women do not regret having an abortion for about 7 - 10years. Reassure them that when they eventually need help they can find it from the pro-life community, as professional psychologists and counsellors don’t recognise abortion as a problem and very often can’t help women resolve their grieving and find healing.

My SIL also told me that she would definitely recommend abortion to her daughters (3) if they found themselves in a situation where they did not want to have the baby. We used to be fairly close but now never see each other except maybe every couple of years.
Click to expand...
Eileen,
I’m so sorry to read about your experiences. Tragic, especially when you work hard against this. I pray that you will be the counter influence in the lives of your SIL’s daughters. I will pray for you all. God Bless you and keep you in His Holy Embrace Always.

His Mercy is endless and there for the simple task of asking…:signofcross:
 
I remember that happening to me and I went with my gut instinct…I gasped in horror and gave her a huge hug while saying “I’m sure God has forgiven you and you will see your baby soon in heaven.”

At least it gave her a hiccup in her unemotional speech before she continued talking about how great it was.

Everytime I see a woman do this I later learn they are numb. Literally detached. The only thing I can compare to is either PTSD only repressed memory or DID. They’ve cut it off completely.
 
This just happened to me a few days ago. It’s really the first time anyone has told me that they got an abortion, and she really didn’t seem to be remorseful.

I didn’t really know what to do. I just stood there in shock at what I was hearing.
 
If she said “And I’m not sorry” I would have said, “I’m sorry for you and for your baby.”
 
That happened to me fairly recently. I have to admit, I really started to hate the woman who told me that.
 
She’s in post trauma denial. It’s the mind’s natural defense mechanism. Of Course! she’s going to deny her pain! But make no mistake she’s the walking wounded and it’s taking every ounce of energy she has to keep the memory and pain at a distance.

I found this excerpt on Rachel’s Hope Post Abortion Healing and
Reconciliation for Catholic Women website: rachelshope.org/articles.html
Women who have had abortions usually need to use defense mechanisms in order to cope with the feelings associated with their abortions. These mechanisms may be conscious or subconscious. Drugs or alcohol may be used to reinforce or enable the continued use of defense mechanisms. Everyone uses defense mechanisms to cope during a crisis. The problems develop when they become entrenched, when they are used over a long period of time, and the crisis is never confronted and resolved.
Click to expand...
Denial
Click to expand...
Many women will deny that they have any feelings about their abortion; some may even deny that they have ever had abortions at all. The average denial period is five to ten years after the abortion.
Click to expand...
Denial requires a great deal of emotional effort. Women using denial to cope over an extended period of time may find that they have little emotional energy left to deal with other issues in their life. If the denial breaks, women may feel overwhelmed and out of control.
Click to expand...
rachelshope.org/defensemech.html
Click to expand...
Rosemary’s suggestions in the article I’ve quoted could also apply in your situations

Empathetic listening.

The callousness you may at first encounter is a protective wall, but if you respond to the callousness with empathy “That must have been a difficult decision for you,” or “You have suffered a great deal of loss in your life”…and even gently ask questions about her experience you may actually get a little closer to the truth. A part of the healing process is telling "their story to a safe individual who can be present to them.”

Validation.

This is the ability to confirm to the woman that her feelings are common for an abortion experience. This is not the same as giving a message of condoning. The woman can safely pour out her pain pertaining to her loss, shame, guilt and fears and “know” that her feelings are being recognized and understood.

Your response, of course, is going to differ greatly based on your relationship. If you’re talking to a co-worker or casual acquaintence vs. a relative or friend. Either way, though, your response should be empathy rather than disdain.
 
I would respond with a sympathetic " I will keep you and your baby in my prayers." Then tell her about Rachel`s Vineyard, in case down the road she decides she needs healing.

Sincerely,

Maria1212
 
“I’m terribly sorry you felt that was the best option open to you. As a mother, you deserved better.”
 
Maria1212 said:
I would respond with a sympathetic " I will keep you and your baby in my prayers."
Click to expand...
I like that.

My intuition says that this would be more likely to be a conversation between women than a woman and a man. Still, if presented with a more-or-less “in your face” proclaimation, it would be difficult (for me, at least) not to get my dander up and be…let’s say…more confrontational than compassionate.

But as has been mentioned, many times compassionate is more disarming to a person smugly challenging your faith than responding in kind.
 
PRmerger said:
How does one respond to a woman’s disclosure, “Well, I had an abortion” and “I have no regrets”.

Usually these women are acquaintances and the topic of conversation may be my opposition to abortion, or the Church’s teaching against abortion, or, really, any situation discussing our past lives.

I am at a loss as to how to respond. "I’m sorry!" is meaningless if the woman expresses no remorse. "Really?’ is too non-commital. *“You sinner!” *is…well…simply ghastly. :eek:

Suggestions?
Click to expand...
" May God forgive you, for you knew not what you were doing"
 
PRmerger said:
How does one respond to a woman’s disclosure, “Well, I had an abortion” and “I have no regrets”.

Usually these women are acquaintances and the topic of conversation may be my opposition to abortion, or the Church’s teaching against abortion, or, really, any situation discussing our past lives.

I am at a loss as to how to respond. "I’m sorry!" is meaningless if the woman expresses no remorse. "Really?’ is too non-commital. *“You sinner!” *is…well…simply ghastly. :eek:

Suggestions?
Click to expand...
Interesting. Often times, people who do have regrets, in polite conversation will not reveal that they do – not just on this topic, on many. I mean…imagine someone saying…I committed adultery, and have no regrets. I mean, come on. They probably do have regrets, but it’s just not something they would say. If we as sinners, admit our guilt and regret to sin, we have to do something about that…we have to change our thinking on many levels…we have to ask God for His mercy…we have such a long road to hoe, but not alone, for God’s grace will enable us to withstand our falls and failures. But, to not admit regret, remorse, or guilt…doesn’t allow the above to happen…which requires work, to a degree on our parts. So, not admitting that what one did was wrong, on any sin, somewhat allows that person to not be accountable, in his/her own mind…and they “think” they can move on. Someday, she will be regretful, if not already…just politely nod…or if you want to continue the conversation…maybe ask…do you ever think about it much? That’s a pretty non threatening statement.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top