What's a "man's" work duty?

[Polluted]

It paints a beautiful picture doesn’t it? A MAN working all the time and sacrificing his life for the good of his family! But where’s the limit?

Long story short i just quit a Job and was working 7 days a week with some weeks clocking in at 70+ hours! I couldn’t do it. I’m sorry but there was no joy, no ability to even relax or function. I was starting to miss my second son grow up and couldn’t even cook myself healthy meals!

Now I have my fiance and her family essentially silently shaming me. Sure the money was good and ya maybe other males in her family did the same for many years but I refuse to stay at a job with pure misery and ZERO free time!

Are those a man’s choices? Poverty or being a slave? Is there no middle ground? Screw that folks I choose poverty and thank the good Lord I live on American soil where “poverty” means I get a flat screen TV and a smart phone

Am I some type of monster here? Keep in mind my Church attendance and prayer life was practically non existent during this time. That kind of gave me Gods view on this lifestyle. Or so I think.

 

[ConfusedLucy]

That sounds awful. I don’t see how anyone could even do a decent job working so many hours. I think you are obliged to support your family but only as far as a full time job.

 

[Polluted]

That sounds awful. I don’t see how anyone could even do a decent job working so many hours. I think you are obliged to support your family but only as far as a full time job.

It was nuts. Sometimes having to work until 5am other times having to work until 5 pm. My sleep is still completely wacked up. I couldn’t do it man. And I’m made to be the monster who didn’t lay down his life for the good of his child? Don’t hate me because I have the gumption to make a change in my life when I’m unhappy instead of putting in decades of misery. I have no problem putting in a Gods honest day of work, but I have a limit.

 

[ConfusedLucy]

You aren’t a bad person for not wanting to work so many hours. I don’t know what your job is but I certainly wouldn’t trust someone who had been working 70 hours to carry out any kind of work for me. Just start looking for a reasonable full time job, that’s all anyone can expect.

 

[mommy_k]

I’m sorry you have to work so much…it is not healthy.

I hope you find something that allows you to have family time. The influence of a dad in the home is very important.

Perhaps you can let your fiance know that you will be looking for something with more regular hours, and in the beginning, you will cover needs, not extras…

 

[AdamP88]

I don’t think you’re obliged to work so hard. Certainly if you feel stressed and burned out and your prayer life is suffering then you should find a less stressful job. I must ask is your fiancee working too? Most young couples these days have both working out of necessity. Both my wife and I work. I’m back in university finishing my teaching degree so she understands that we both must work to pay the bills. When I graduate, I expect that I’ll be earning the money for the household, but until then we both must work. I think the obligation is on both in a relationship to manage finances and certainly if a couple has no kids there is no reason why both shouldn’t be at work. It’s the time when people save for mortgage and to set up home so it makes sense that both are working.

 

[pensmama87]

I don’t think you’re obliged to work so hard. Certainly if you feel stressed and burned out and your prayer life is suffering then you should find a less stressful job. I must ask is your fiancee working too? Most young couples these days have both working out of necessity. Both my wife and I work. I’m back in university finishing my teaching degree so she understands that we both must work to pay the bills. When I graduate, I expect that I’ll be earning the money for the household, but until then we both must work. I think the obligation is on both in a relationship to manage finances and certainly if a couple has no kids there is no reason why both shouldn’t be at work. It’s the time when people save for mortgage and to set up home so it makes sense that both are working.

I agree with this.

There have been times where our financial situation was really bleak and we both had to work and work a lot - but that was with the understanding that it was temporary, and with the firm purpose to get out of debt and on more secure footing for the future. Looking back, I wish I would have worked harder when I was single and didn’t have the additional responsibilities of children so I could have had more financial security, but I wasn’t smart back then (and I wasted more of my income than I should have.) Ah well, you know what they say about hindsight.

However long you work, you should definitely know how much you bring in and where it is going. It makes no sense to work long hours for all the money to be spent frivolously. You and your fiancee, if you haven’t already, should figure out what your financial needs are and a budget that will cover those, and work together on bringing in the income necessary. If you can’t agree on these things (why her family is in on it, I don’t know, it’s not their business) then that is something that gives me pause as far as going ahead with marriage.

 

[Polluted]

Sadly it does look like our marriage will not be following through. I understand the one poster about it being temporary for his situation and to get out of debt. Originally that was my plan but I couldn’t do it . I tried my best darn it!

I am glad I got to see this reaction out of her though. The fact that THIS is her response to this scenario is pretty enlightening. It appears she has a hang up with money (allot of people do). I don’t believe in marriage anymore. I believe in what the Church calls marriage but I don’t believe in what society has to say about marriage. All these girls want a “wedding” not the actual “bond”.

Everyone wants to feel like a princess for a day it’s irritating as heck

 

[Lorelei12]

It sounds like it was a stressful job. But- if you have a family to support, just quitting without finding something else first sounds irresponsible to me. Did you discuss it with your fiancee or just quit?

You mentioned that you had zero free time…I don’t really know anyone with kids who has much free time. That’s just kind of how it is. Remember that when you are working long hours, the person caring for your children is also working long hours. My husband regularly works about 60 hours per week, and I work about 20 with no childcare help. We don’t have much, if any, free time either but that’s how it is. If my husband just decided he’d had enough without discussing it with me…yeah, I’d be upset.

It sounds like you really needed a change, but went about it in the wrong way.

 

[Polluted]

It sounds like it was a stressful job. But- if you have a family to support, just quitting without finding something else first sounds irresponsible to me. Did you discuss it with your fiancee or just quit?

You mentioned that you had zero free time…I don’t really know anyone with kids who has much free time. That’s just kind of how it is. Remember that when you are working long hours, the person caring for your children is also working long hours. My husband regularly works about 60 hours per week, and I work about 20 with no childcare help. We don’t have much, if any, free time either but that’s how it is. If my husband just decided he’d had enough without discussing it with me…yeah, I’d be upset.

It sounds like you really needed a change, but went about it in the wrong way.

Don’t get me wrong I definitely expedited things. Sure it may had been a tad rushed and dare I say…irresponsible. but ZERO days off with 70+ hour work weeks at times? I couldn’t take it folks. I’m sorry but I was breaking down and quick…psychologically and physically. When I talk about free time I don’t mean watching Netflix for hours at a time. I mean unable to attend mass because I work every single Sunday and during the week I am so drained I can’t even get out of bed! So foggy mentally I could hardly think straight…how am I gonna read my Bible or cook myself a meal that doesn’t interfere with my health problems?

I pay my bills. And 19/20 I put my money in the right areas. That’d why I’ve never defaulted on any debt and am sitting on a 773 credit score. But it was too much. I needed a change and quick. In at a point where I don’t care if I need to work in fast food again just to get by. So be it! But I could not spend one more day ag that job. That last 16 hour shift made me tap out.

…I’m human folks, and yes…It was a 16 HOUR shift. That’s not living. That’s 8 hours of sleep, and 16 hours if work. There is only 24 hours in a day. Get what I’m saying?

Even though I’m crushed because of the fallout I feel better already! First thing I did was went to mass/confession and already things are making more sense. I have faith in God. And while he ain’t gonna call Kaiser and pay my health insurance he will enable me to do so. So many people proclaim faith in our Lord and never give him any opportunity to reach out in their lives. It’s weird to me…then they have the audacity to look at the stars at night and wonder “why am I depressed?”

 

[Xantippe]

It sounds like it was a stressful job. But- if you have a family to support, just quitting without finding something else first sounds irresponsible to me.** Did you discuss it with your fiancee or just quit?**

You mentioned that you had zero free time…I don’t really know anyone with kids who has much free time. That’s just kind of how it is. Remember that when you are working long hours, the person caring for your children is also working long hours. My husband regularly works about 60 hours per week, and I work about 20 with no childcare help. We don’t have much, if any, free time either but that’s how it is. If my husband just decided he’d had enough without discussing it with me…yeah, I’d be upset.

It sounds like you really needed a change, but went about it in the wrong way.

I agree with that 100%.

People who are married or who are planning to get married have to take their spouse’s preferences and needs into consideration. And that goes double when there is already a kid in the situation. 30-70+ years is a LONG time to live with somebody who just does whatever the heck they want whenever the heck they want. Any major decision (heck, even most medium ones) need to get a spousal stamp of approval.

How about some relationship counseling? I would also suggest taking Dave Ramsey’s Financial Peace University and listening to DR’s show. I think you should think a little harder about marriage as an economic and practical partnership.

The children that you have brought into the world need to eat and be clothed. Therefore you don’t at this point have the option to be “unmaterialistic”.

 

[AdamP88]

Sadly it does look like our marriage will not be following through. I understand the one poster about it being temporary for his situation and to get out of debt. Originally that was my plan but I couldn’t do it . I tried my best darn it!

I am glad I got to see this reaction out of her though. The fact that THIS is her response to this scenario is pretty enlightening. It appears she has a hang up with money (allot of people do). I don’t believe in marriage anymore. I believe in what the Church calls marriage but I don’t believe in what society has to say about marriage. All these girls want a “wedding” not the actual “bond”.

Everyone wants to feel like a princess for a day it’s irritating as heck

Probably good that you get to see that reaction alright. If she is going to let her whole family in on it every time you have a disagreement then that’s probably not a good sign.

I think you’re right that many people have a hang up with money. Though it is a bit harsh to say that you all women want is the “wedding”. Why do you say that? Is she looking to spend beyond your means for the wedding day?

I think if she’s not working you should put it to her that maybe she should be if she wants this to work out? Does she/her family have a more traditional idea of the man being the one who does the earning?

 

[Xantippe]

Probably good that you get to see that reaction alright. If she is going to let her whole family in on it every time you have a disagreement then that’s probably not a good sign.

I think you’re right that many people have a hang up with money. Though it is a bit harsh to say that you all women want is the “wedding”. Why do you say that? Is she looking to spend beyond your means for the wedding day?

I think if she’s not working you should put it to her that maybe she should be if she wants this to work out? Does she/her family have a more traditional idea of the man being the one who does the earning?

I believe Polluted may be living with her and her family.

 

[Polluted]

I agree with that 100%.

People who are married or who are planning to get married have to take their spouse’s preferences and needs into consideration. And that goes double when there is already a kid in the situation. 30-70+ years is a LONG time to live with somebody who just does whatever the heck they want whenever the heck they want. Any major decision (heck, even most medium ones) need to get a spousal stamp of approval.

How about some relationship counseling? I would also suggest taking Dave Ramsey’s Financial Peace University and listening to DR’s show. I think you should think a little harder about marriage as an economic and practical partnership.

The children that you have brought into the world need to eat and be clothed. Therefore you don’t at this point have the option to be “unmaterialistic”.

Once again we live in America folks. Where even the lowest income bracket gets a smartphone and unexpired milk to drink. If my son’s have a roof over their head (even if it’s a small apartment), food to eat (even if it’s milk, rice, and ground beef, and cloths to wear (even if they are bought at a thrift store) where is the issue?

 

[Polluted]

Keep this in mind too folks. How are you gonna heckle someone about not enough money and finances yet demand a wedding that will cost thousands of dollars with a huge party? I had a deacon who said he would marry us for next to nothing. But NooOoo, that’s not the wedding all this shows like “say yes to the dress show on Netflix”.

 

[pensmama87]

Once again we live in America folks. Where even the lowest income bracket gets a smartphone and unexpired milk to drink. If my son’s have a roof over their head (even if it’s a small apartment), food to eat (even if it’s milk, rice, and ground beef, and cloths to wear (even if they are bought at a thrift store) where is the issue?

Then it’s best to find a wife who is willing to have that as her standard of living.

For a time my husband and I did that. We didn’t even have toilet paper (as is humorously noted elsewhere on CAF.) It is hard living that way, because you’re one disaster away from total ruin (and even a mini-disaster can be ruinous.)

We still live very frugally, but I’m much more at ease because we have some money in the bank, and I don’t have to worry a lot about paying off necessary home repairs. It’s nice to take a break once in a while and realize that we can eat out and it won’t mean that we won’t have bread next week. Actually, when you have more money, you can actually save more too, because you can take advantage of sales and stock pricing for big as well as small items. I’m not at the mercy of whatever they’re charging for bread this week, or the price of the washer floor model the day it breaks (not to mention the savings and convenience of being able to do your own laundry in your home rather than pay to use a laundromat).

I don’t think I’m materialistic. I think I want security for my family. And a husband who quits his job without asking his wife (or intended wife) first does not speak well for his interest in her security or the security of his/her/their children. My husband hated his old job and looked for two years for something new. I worked part-time, then full-time plus when I started my own in-home childcare, and we ate rice and beans for the most part. We were a team and we worked together. That seems conspicuously absent here.

 

[Polluted]

I was living in a tent for a year when I was not with my fiance just to make sure I could save up money and help out /visit my other kid out of wedlock. I have zero family support on my end. Maybe my mindset is just a bit different because I have learned just how little one really needs to get by and be happy.

Maybe there is a subconscious part of me that is angry. Angry that it’s been 2 years I’ve been engaged to this girl so that she can get her fancy wedding and that my “poverty” is something that makes me unweddable. I finally found a job that no longer made me in poverty but it cost me everything. I already have one son who I couldn’t watch grow up.

Maybe a nice wake up call is just what we all need? You want to marry me? Then marry the guy you met. The man who had to bike miles and miles everyday just to get through college because he couldn’t afford a car. Marry the guy who spiritually still lives in a tent.

 

[Polluted]

Then it’s best to find a wife who is willing to have that as her standard of living.

For a time my husband and I did that. We didn’t even have toilet paper (as is humorously noted elsewhere on CAF.) It is hard living that way, because you’re one disaster away from total ruin (and even a mini-disaster can be ruinous.)

We still live very frugally, but I’m much more at ease because we have some money in the bank, and I don’t have to worry a lot about paying off necessary home repairs. It’s nice to take a break once in a while and realize that we can eat out and it won’t mean that we won’t have bread next week. Actually, when you have more money, you can actually save more too, because you can take advantage of sales and stock pricing for big as well as small items. I’m not at the mercy of whatever they’re charging for bread this week, or the price of the washer floor model the day it breaks (not to mention the savings and convenience of being able to do your own laundry in your home rather than pay to use a laundromat).

I don’t think I’m materialistic. I think I want security for my family. And a husband who quits his job without asking his wife (or intended wife) first does not speak well for his interest in her security or the security of his/her/their children. My husband hated his old job and looked for two years for something new. I worked part-time, then full-time plus when I started my own in-home childcare, and we ate rice and beans for the most part. We were a team and we worked together. That seems conspicuously absent here.

That’s beautiful and maybe it be inclined to live in smuch a way if I saw us as a team. But sadly I don’t. I’m sure it’s easy to see this goes deeper than a simple job. Maybe I’m purposely sabotaging everything because I don’t want to get married to this girl.

 

[AClaire11]

Then it’s best to find a wife who is willing to have that as her standard of living.

For a time my husband and I did that. We didn’t even have toilet paper (as is humorously noted elsewhere on CAF.) It is hard living that way, because you’re one disaster away from total ruin (and even a mini-disaster can be ruinous.)

We still live very frugally, but I’m much more at ease because we have some money in the bank, and I don’t have to worry a lot about paying off necessary home repairs. It’s nice to take a break once in a while and realize that we can eat out and it won’t mean that we won’t have bread next week. Actually, when you have more money, you can actually save more too, because you can take advantage of sales and stock pricing for big as well as small items. I’m not at the mercy of whatever they’re charging for bread this week, or the price of the washer floor model the day it breaks (not to mention the savings and convenience of being able to do your own laundry in your home rather than pay to use a laundromat).

I don’t think I’m materialistic. I think I want security for my family. And a husband who quits his job without asking his wife (or intended wife) first does not speak well for his interest in her security or the security of his/her/their children. My husband hated his old job and looked for two years for something new. I worked part-time, then full-time plus when I started my own in-home childcare, and we ate rice and beans for the most part. We were a team and we worked together. That seems conspicuously absent here.

Yeah, we’ve had a few weeks where we lived on ground beef and rice and whatever we could make from what was left in the fridge and pantry. Those were some of the highest stress weeks of my life and I would never marry someone who thought that was acceptable in the long run, especially with kids in the picture. I had to quit a job a few years ago when we were engaged because it was causing panic attacks, but we discussed it first. It’s not materialistic to want to have financial stability or to want a nice wedding (depending on what we’re talking here). It’s not unreasonable to expect your fiance to discuss major decisions with you beforehand.

 

[1Lord1Faith]

That’s beautiful and maybe it be inclined to live in smuch a way if I saw us as a team. But sadly I don’t. I’m sure it’s easy to see this goes deeper than a simple job. Maybe I’m purposely sabotaging everything because I don’t want to get married to this girl.

You’ve been engaged and saving for two years for “her” wedding? Isn’t her father supposed to pay for the wedding? Instead of her family paying for the wedding they are watching you work for it , and then they are disappointed when you’ve had enough after two years of saving? Is this really the whole story? It sounds too awful to be true.