What's my obligation to my biological family?

[pollynova]

I won’t get into the big back story because I would be typing for hours. But my brother and I were placed in foster care when we were young and stayed there until we aged out last year. (We’re twins.) When we were taken away from our mother (who died a few months later), we were 7 and none of our extended family would take us in, even though we had several aunts and uncles that live in the area. The story we were eventually told was that my brother and I were a reminder of a “scandal” in the family and it would just be too painful to have us around.

I don’t know why, but maybe it was just something they felt they had to do, my brother and I often had to spent holidays like Christmas and Thanksgiving with these relatives. Part of me thinks they had us over just to be cruel to us. There was a lot of verbal and physical abuse, both by our aunt and uncles and by our cousins. I would go into examples, but I really don’t want to. Since there was a lot of us cousins who were the same age, they also went to school with us, where they spread gossip and rumors about us.

All this went on until we were 14 and we were able to transfer to a different high school and finish our school days in relative peace. We finally got the courage up to tell our foster parents and case worker what had been happening and for the most part, they left us alone.

Until last year anyway. They started emailing us and sending requests on facebook. I would just delete them without reading them. After talking to my brother though, he said they wanted to reconnect. I finally read through some of the messages and they were filled the most passive-aggressive **** I’ve ever seen, blaming us for the rift between us and the rest of the family. The basic theme running through the messages has been, “We were hard on you, but that’s what you needed. And we forgive you.”

I was all set to just go back to ignoring them, when my priest stopped me after mass a few weeks ago. Apparently one of my Aunts had called him and explained the situation by giving her side of the story, which of course was filled with lies and half-truths. I should probably point out that while I have been attending that church for over a year, never once has the priest engaged me in any type of conversation. So I felt it was very inappropriate for him to be commenting on a situation he knows nothing about. Anyway, I told him how things actually went down and we had a long conversation about forgiveness and the importance of family. He said it was important that I make amends with them. He said that “Honor your father and mother” extends to family as well and that I’m in danger of breaking that commandment. I’ve since stopped going to church there and now go to a different parish.

I don’t consider my biological family to be my “family.” And while my foster parents are great, we aren’t really part of their family either. They were our guardians and we were guests in their home. My family is my brother. I understand the importance of forgiveness but I am not about to let those abusive people manipulate their way back into my life. If they wanted us to be a part of their family, they had a chance years ago, but they blew it. Am I wrong for thinking like this? Am I really obligated to let them back in, just because we share the same dna?

 

[Viki63]

Dear OP,
I’m not any kind of an expert, beyond having raised two adopted kids, so take my comments with a grain of salt.
I don’t think you are wrong in wanting to avoid interaction with abusive family members. You are not under any obligation to allow them back into your life.
I don’t agree with the priest’s statement that honoring your father and mother applies equally to your other relatives. It applies to one’s father and mother. Now I could be wrong, so please check with a reliable priest about that. But those folks have shown their true colors already, why give them more chances to abuse you?
You can forgive them, if they indicate they want to be forgiven, without letting them into your life. I’ve gone through this with a former husband, for whom I wish the best, I pray for him, but don’t talk to him except once every 5 or 10 years.
I’m glad you have family in your brother, and hope you will find family or at least good friends among the people in your parish. Catholics are not the most social of people, but I’ve found it helpful to join a Bible study or other group. And please don’t write off a whole parish because of the priest’s attempt to talk to you. Priests change parishes every few years anyway; and we go for Jesus, not a specific priest.
God bless.

 

[pollynova]

Thank you for your reply, Viki.

The main reason why I haven’t gone back to that parish is because I really don’t want another confrontation with that priest. I may end up saying some things you probably shouldn’t say in church. No one there socialized with me anyway, so I’m not really out anything by going to a different one.

 

[Trishie]

It’s hard to imagine neglecting and abusing innocent children and rejecting them, turning them over to strangers to raise, it isn’t the act of a family. If your mother made any mistakes when a young woman, you and your brother had no part in her choices and are loved children of God, just as she was. And you had the right to see your mother understood and forgiven, not vilified to you. When you lost your mother, as grandchildren and as nephew or niece of aunts and uncles, you both deserved immediate welcome that you did not receive.

Certainly, you and your brother are likely to marry and have your own families, and would not wish your children to experience fallout from the attitudes and behavior you both received at the hands of those blood relatives.

For your own sakes, for your psychological and spiritual health, you and your twin do need to forgive the years of neglect and abuse…but whether this involves much (any?) contact is another matter. There is a question of whether or not your future spouses and children will receive lack of love and respect, and whether or not for their sakes you need to keep distance, or if you both continue to be treated unjustly.

It isn’t an easy question to answer
However, the message “We were hard on you, but that’s what you needed. And we forgive you.” That’s not an appropriate welcome. Why should they have been hard on you when you were already motherless and apparently fatherless, and only non-family were kind enough to give you love that your family wouldn’t. And how do you need to be forgiven when it was they who offended…we cannot know all of the story, so it is difficult to answer. It is more confusing for you because your brother does respond positively to the relatives’ invitations. You certainly need to have unity with your brother, so this does complicate the matter for you.
Are the relatives likely to welcome you both on an equal footing as rightful family members? We don’t know for sure although your interpretation isn’t unduly hopeful, if accurate.

In the end, I can only offer to pray for you both and your family that the miracle of love will prevail, but if hearts are closed to that, may God, in the end, touch all hearts with the fullness of Christian love.

 

[Skye_Ariel]

Just reading your post made me angry for you and your brother, I say leave them out of your life, you are better off without them. They were not there when you needed them so you don’t need them now. You don’t have to hate them or have unforgiveness towards them, but you don’t need their drama in your life. Sadly it seems to me like they will always treat you like you don’t really belong and interacting with them will put a drain on you mentally. Don’t let them bring you down.

 

[mommy_k]

Since they sent you to foster homes-how did they know what you needed-you needed a loving secure family. So their comment about being hard on you is ridiculous. They are blaming you and your brother for their own sin of abandoning you in your time of need.

You can forgive them in your heart as Jesus instructs, but I would stay away. For them to further slander you to a priest is also telling you they do not have your best interest at heart.

There may be a catalyst or hidden agendat that is making them suddenly want to reconnect so be aware of this.

Pray to Mother Mary and ask her to intercede. She will take care of you and your brother.

 

[coachdennis]

Since they sent you to foster homes-how did they know what you needed-you needed a loving secure family. So their comment about being hard on you is ridiculous. They are blaming you and your brother for their own sin of abandoning you in your time of need.

You can forgive them in your heart as Jesus instructs, but I would stay away. For them to further slander you to a priest is also telling you they do not have your best interest at heart.

There may be a catalyst or hidden agendat that is making them suddenly want to reconnect so be aware of this.

Pray to Mother Mary and ask her to intercede. She will take care of you and your brother.

I concur. These people are almost walking definitions of “toxic people”.

 

[Kal2012]

Family is tough, regardless if you talk to them or not.

I don’t think you are ‘obligated’ to your bio family; however, I think it would be useful to ‘clear the air’ and take the opportunity to vent and share your feelings.

Please realize that making amends doesn’t mean accepting them back into your life.

Making amends is really about making peace w/the situation.

In this case, making peace with the situation probably would be saying “thanks, but no thanks.”.

However, you do it person and you explain that they treated you like **** and you really see no reason for any further contact w/them. Explain that your brother is free to make a different decision, but that you do not want to be invited to birthday parties, Christmas/holiday functions, graduations or want anything to do with them. These family members will be blocked on all social media, e-mail, phone etc and any attempts to contact you further (in person) will be met with a PPO (if you believe that a personal protection order is really necessary) or law enforcement.

I’d say meet at a neutral place. Explain that you are an adult and while you appreciate that they want contact, at this time, you aren’t interested. I like to think that people can have a change of heart as they get older, so I don’t know if that’s the case in your specific situation. However, I think it would do a lot of good to hear them out and then have your say on the matter.

I would love to have the opportunity that you are rejecting. It isn’t that I want additional drama, but I would love to explain that having my aunts/uncles ‘dump’ me when my mom died wasn’t the way to handle the situation. (I was 7 when she died). I spent years wondering why they ‘left’ me because they hated my dad. It’s really haunting for a kid to know that half their family wants nothing to do with you and you have no real understanding as to why. 7 year old kids just aren’t that sophisticated.

As for the priest, I think the aunt put the priest in an awkward position. He was only trying to do his job to the best of his ability. Like you said, he has no idea about the situation and I would have told him so. I’ve noticed that well-meaning people, like the priest, always seem to stop when you are blunt and honest w/them.

Most people really don’t know how to handle a lot of truths once people, like us, give them the full tour of the situation. I’m assuming you know the look that people give you when you tell them the 100% truth about all that you’ve lived through…the way people don’t know what to say or how to react…but they want to look like they aren’t so ignorant about the world that some people live in day after day. I’m betting your version of “normal” isn’t really what most people would call “normal”, is it? I know this because mine wasn’t either.

You don’t have an obligation to bio family, but you have an obligation to yourself. Be the better person. Deal directly with your problem. Don’t ignore it. If you ignore it, then it will just keep popping up again and again. If you deal with it on your own terms, then you can control how you respond to the situation. You aren’t responding to their action of showing up again, but you are choosing how you are going to react in the event that these people show up in your life - again - after telling them to leave you alone. One makes you feel powerless, the other powerful.

Choose being powerful!

Sorry, it took me awhile to get to the point. It took me awhile to find it!

 

[agnes_therese]

You have NO obligation to be “friendly” with people who mistreat you, whether they’re family or not. Your brother has to make his own decisions, but I wouldn’t have anything to do with them outside of praying for them.

 

[gh4]

You need to forgive them. If you don’t, it’s going to fester under the surface for the rest of your life. I also believe you need to sit down and write them a letter about hurt you were and how they hurt you over the years and now you are able to forgive them.

However, I don’t believe you have any obligation to put yourself in place for more hurt from them. I would suggest you follow your gut feelings and make your own circle of friends and be there for your brother and get on with your life without them as a part of it.

We need to forgive, but we don’t have to continue putting ourselves in the line of fire for more hurt and abuse. With some people in this world, you just can’t be around them for whatever reason. Avoid them and if you do happen to run into them, nod your head and say “hello” and that’s it, don’t engage in conversation with them because I’m guessing it’s going to get icky if you do.

Good luck, I’ve been in your shoes and it’s tough and it’s hard, but if you deal with it now, you’ll be in a place where you can get on with your life.

 

[Bella92]

Am I wrong for thinking like this? Am I really obligated to let them back in, just because we share the same dna?

No you’re not. If people have used and abused you, you owe them nothing. It’s easy for the priest to talk, he’s not lived through what you have. By all means pray for them, but I wouldn’t go near them with a ten foot barge pole. I’ve some of that going on in my family.

 

[Oh_Charlotte]

Pollynova, God must have given you many graces to get through all this. He gave you good instincts, too - you certainly should not have anything to do with this family. You have good advice on this thread, and I only disagree with the idea that you should vent and share your feelings with this awful family. IMO, that’s like throwing your pearls to swine. I am sure you can imagine what their reaction woudl be to your feelings. It would be something to abuse and mock and twist. Someday if they ever come* ask *all aobut how you felt in those days and seem to really want to know, then maybe! How likely is that though? Extremely unlikely.

You are putting them i their proper place by ignoring them. They made their choice when you were young how to treat you, and now it is right and just that they bear natural consequences. This might be different if they were repentant, but this is obviously not the case. And probably never will be.

They are a dyfunctional, hurting lot of people. Like wounded wild animals. You may feel sorry for them but they are not safe to approach. You birth parents were from this wounded family, so its all connected. Really you were likely saved from an awful fate with them. As you know.

It is not unusual for a dysfunctional family to band together united against he world: everyone else not in their “real” family is an enemy of their family.They are very worried how they come across to others (though they often say, 'I don’t care what other people think" when really they are obsessed with that) and that is likely the motivation for their stalking you and your brother, and their crazy appeals and their contacting your priest. They just want to make sure you don’t tell the world what you know of them. They are obsessed with controlling their reputation.

I kind of know about this from my ex’s family. Not as bad as yours, but its on the very same continuum, the same pattern.

So you can neutralize them as you distance them. I think you do this by forgiving them (which they feel is their due, not that they will ever accept it with any humility) and somehow assuring them you have no reason to bad-mouth them [their real concern!]

Of course you must know that you do need to forgive them. Understanding that their pain and mental dysfunction and their own bad parenting is a good reason for how they are. Its very sad. The Lord wants good for them but they are trapped in a terrible cycle. Assuring them they won’t be bad-mouthed in any way is tougher, but you can find a way to do as much without saying so explicitly. The following are suggestions for ONE last conversation, in person is best, but you likely feel that face-to-face is not wise and if you feel so then you are probably right. It could be in an email or on Facebook. Especially since they use Facebook to communicate. You want to state everything so they come off looking good, which will placate them. So minimize your complaints and maximize your compliments.

You can say, thanks, and you that forgive them, too. That you understand we all have good reason for doing things that, when we look back, we realize weren’t the best. Say what you appreciate. Stretch a bit for this one. Say you appreciate their effort to make you a part of the family when you were growing up by so generously inviting you to all the Christmas and Thanksgiving faithfully every year (no need to mention they were your most miserable days of the year. Anyway, dysfunctional families are their worst at family get-togethers). You can acknowledge that as kids they did not always make your school days so happy, but that you understand they were just kids, and all kids make mistakes, and that you know they have grown and matured now.

[the strange thing abut bullies is they have no clue the havoc they wrecked, and its *useless to try to make them see. I know, my ex was one and he had no idea he made some people’s lives miserable when he growing up - before I knew him - and at least one I know of was still in counseling as an adult primarily blaming my ex’s bullying him when he was growing up. I know because my ex worked as an IT person in the psych ward and shared break-room with some counselors and this came out! The woman looked at him with wide eyes - "You are _____?? From “Beantown”?? Do you know “Andy Smith”??? My ex relayed this encounter to me, and just thought this was “strange” - that’s it. And at the time, I was confused, and wondered, “my husband used to be a bully??” (I was blind at the time to how he covertly bullied me everyday, which in time slowly got more and more overt.)]

Then you can make the distance by saying, “Even though we are related, we essentially lived separate lives and I just want things to go on as they are. My life is busy and full - and yours too, of course. And I have my own holiday traditions now and I rather like them. I do wish the best for you in all things!” Then you can greet them politely whenever you run across them in town, as if there is no bad blood between you. Or, picture Jesus’ blood between you.

Your forgiving is key to your peace. Ask God to help you do what He wills there. He will. Our Lady helped me so much.

Now that priest is another matter. He is dysfunctional, too, and out of place. He needs to be put in his place! You need sometimes to return to that Church when you need the Sacraments, so you need to tell him he is out of bounds with you on this issue. Maybe someone will give you ideas for that conversation. It needs to be had! Another option is to get a counselor involved, or some sort of advocate for you, and the counselor can have that conversation with him for you.

 

[Polycarp1]

In short your obligation is to love them regardless of how they feel about you or treat you. Remember that love is a decision and not the warm and fuzzies. The warm and fuzzies can be an symptom of love but they are not in themselves love. You decide to love them as much as you can at this moment because that is what you know the Lord wants you to do. He can take this offering and perfect it over time. You make the conscious decision to love them and then you pray for them. Again praying for them may not feel good or even sincere at first but that doesn’t matter! I call it praying through clenched teeth. What does matter is that you are bending you will to the Lord’s because that is what He wants you to do!

 

[runningdude]

…
I don’t consider my biological family to be my “family.” And while my foster parents are great, we aren’t really part of their family either. They were our guardians and we were guests in their home. My family is my brother. I understand the importance of forgiveness but I am not about to let those abusive people manipulate their way back into my life. If they wanted us to be a part of their family, they had a chance years ago, but they blew it. Am I wrong for thinking like this? Am I really obligated to let them back in, just because we share the same dna?

You have no obligation to associate with abusive people. I hope you and your brother have a fresh start now that you’re out of the system. God bless!

 

[Tighty_Whitey]

I agree that you have to forgive them and to love them. You do not have to associate with them. There have been people in my life that have betrayed me and I have worked through trying to forgive them. At times I have been successful and then I can find myself becoming angry with them and hating them all over again. I feel that it is going to be a process. I am grateful that our paths should not cross, but hating/'despising them is awful, it is akin to taking poison and hoping that it makes the other person sick.

I wish that God had given us the right to seek vengeance but such is decidedly his domain. Our only option is to love them.

 

[Lancer]

A lot of good insight from others…just offer a few Scriptures and Catechisms quotes for your consideration.

Bottom line expressed in concrete terms for me is:

“Holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.”
Buddha

Don’t blame or judge you for your feelings…just don’t want you to fall prey to anything that deprives you of your peace and joy.

Pax Christi

Ephesians 4:26-27
Knox Bible (KNOX)
26 Do not let resentment lead you into sin; the sunset must not find you still angry.[a] 27 Do not give the devil his opportunity.

Psalm 37:8
New International Version (NIV)
8 Refrain from anger and turn from wrath;
do not fret—it leads only to evil.

James 1:20
Knox Bible (KNOX)
20 man’s anger does not bear the fruit that is acceptable to God.

Colossians 3:8
New International Version (NIV)
8 But now you must also rid yourselves of all such things as these: anger, rage, malice, slander, and filthy language from your lips.

Titus 3:3
Knox Bible (KNOX)
3 We, after all, were once like the rest of them, reckless, rebellious, the dupes of error; enslaved to a strange medley of desires and appetites, our lives full of meanness and of envy, hateful, and hating one another.

III. SAFEGUARDING PEACE

Peace

2302 By recalling the commandment, "You shall not kill,"94 our Lord asked for peace of heart and denounced murderous anger and hatred as immoral.

Anger is a desire for revenge. “To desire vengeance in order to do evil to someone who should be punished is illicit,” but it is praiseworthy to impose restitution "to correct vices and maintain justice."95 If anger reaches the point of a deliberate desire to kill or seriously wound a neighbor, it is gravely against charity; it is a mortal sin. The Lord says, "Everyone who is angry with his brother shall be liable to judgment."96

2303 Deliberate hatred is contrary to charity. Hatred of the neighbor is a sin when one deliberately wishes him evil. Hatred of the neighbor is a grave sin when one deliberately desires him grave harm. "But I say to you, Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, so that you may be sons of your Father who is in heaven."97

V. THE PROLIFERATION OF SIN

1865 Sin creates a proclivity to sin; it engenders vice by repetition of the same acts. This results in perverse inclinations which cloud conscience and corrupt the concrete judgment of good and evil. Thus sin tends to reproduce itself and reinforce itself, but it cannot destroy the moral sense at its root.

1866 Vices can be classified according to the virtues they oppose, or also be linked to the capital sins which Christian experience has distinguished, following St. John Cassian and St. Gregory the Great. They are called “capital” because they engender other sins, other vices.138 They are pride, avarice, envy, wrath, lust, gluttony, and sloth or acedia.

 

[EasterJoy]

I agree that you have to forgive them and to love them. You do not have to associate with them. There have been people in my life that have betrayed me and I have worked through trying to forgive them. At times I have been successful and then I can find myself becoming angry with them and hating them all over again. I feel that it is going to be a process. I am grateful that our paths should not cross, but hating/'despising them is awful, it is akin to taking poison and hoping that it makes the other person sick.

I wish that God had given us the right to seek vengeance but such is decidedly his domain. Our only option is to love them.

This. Reconciliation and forgiveness are two separate things. Forgiveness is when you accept what they have done, let go of ill will towards them or a desire for vengeance, and hope that they have (or will have) a full relationship of love with God.

Reconciliation, on the other hand, is the rebuilding of a relationship. Depending on the damage done, that can be rebuilding from the ground up. If there is no foundation of trust on which to build the relationship, and especially if there is an on-going pattern of offense in place, reconciliation may not be possible. Even if a partial reconciliation is possible, that does not mean that full reconciliation is possible. When there is infidelity in a marriage, for instance, there may be enough reconciliation to allow co-parenting and a amicable division of assets, but even if the bond is remaining (that is, the marriage is valid) a return to the mutual position of trust required to live the common conjugal life in peace and security may not be possible.

These relatives have made themselves enemies of the OP, and can be loved as the Lord commands us to love our enemies, but I would caution that it is probably a mistake to throw them all into one basket, as if the treatment doled out was arrived at by a group decision. Each one had their own part, some lesser and some greater. Each one had different information, and undoubtedly some of it was false. Each one had their own history of good or wretched treatment from the rest of the family, their own upbringing concerning how to act with relatives. There is nothing more likely than that one or a few were ultimately responsible for the decisions that put the OP and her brother into foster care instead of with a family member, one or a few were responsible for the invitations to Christmas, and that others were variously responsible (or not) for spiteful or conciliatory gestures that came as a result because they didn’t agree with the other decisions that were put forth as though the decisions belonged to all.

IOW, this isn’t a single “They” being dealt with. There are many characters in this drama. Be willing to believe that there is far more behind the treatment you received than you will ever know in this life, and that some of the information you don’t have might exonerate some of those characters to some degree or mitigate their culpability. You just never know. Be willing to see them get a generous measure from Heaven, since we all know that we’ll need that much ourselves. But no, if you don’t have evidence that someone is trustworthy, you do not have to trust them, and you do not have to give someone more of your compassion because they share DNA with you, unless you mean merely because they are fellow human beings.

 

[pollynova]

Thank you all so very much for your replies. There is a lot to digest and think about.

There is a part of the story I’m intentionally leaving out because I don’t feel comfortable talking about it and I don’t think it would be appropriate to discuss on this forum.

I understand I need to forgive them. And I’m working on it. It’s the whole reconciling thing I’m having a problem with. I don’t ever see sitting down with them Dr. Phil-style and coming to some understanding where we all hug and cry at the end and live happily ever after. But is that what forgiveness is? Do I have to let them be part of my life? Is that what Jesus meant when he talked about forgiveness?

 

[mommy_k]

No, you can forgive them in your heart. You can choose to stay away and still love them as Jesus instructs but from a distance. You do not have to tell them u forgive them.

 

[EasterJoy]

Thank you all so very much for your replies. There is a lot to digest and think about.

There is a part of the story I’m intentionally leaving out because I don’t feel comfortable talking about it and I don’t think it would be appropriate to discuss on this forum.

I understand I need to forgive them. And I’m working on it. It’s the whole reconciling thing I’m having a problem with. I don’t ever see sitting down with them Dr. Phil-style and coming to some understanding where we all hug and cry at the end and live happily ever after. But is that what forgiveness is? Do I have to let them be part of my life? Is that what Jesus meant when he talked about forgiveness?

You do not have to reconcile with them now, and if you don’t want to, not ever. That is reconciliation, not forgiveness. Forgiveness only takes you, but reconciliation takes two parties. Jesus forgave the people directly responsible for his crucifixion, but he did not go out looking to reconcile with them after his resurrection.

There is a book written by a Catholic priest and psychiatrist, Fr. John Monbourquette, titled “How to Forgive: A Step-By-Step Guide” that I found very helpful. Not that I did every exercise in it–I don’t think anyone is going to find every exercise useful that is worth including in a book of this kind–but the concepts were very useful.

This is an interview with a well-known psychiatrist that is very much along the same lines, though: oprah.com/spirit/How-to-Forgive-Others-Dr-Ned-Hallowell

I wouldn’t feel a need to meet with this relatives face-to-face as part of your process of forgiving them. After all, ask yourself this: Did Our Lord appear to any of those who had him put to death, after his Resurrection? No, he did not. He appeared to those who abandoned him, but were open to admission of their offenses and true reconciliation. He did not appear to those who felt their offense against him was justified or who would have still meant him harm. He did not forge a relationship with anyone who were not willing to admit their wrong-doing. Peter, after all, had gone out and wept bitterly. He was contrite. Pilate and the religious authorities who agitated to have him crucified were not.

St. Peter gave the message that those who wanted to reconcile with the Lord could repent and come for reconciliation, he held out a message of forgiveness, but he didn’t try to force a reconciliation between the Church and those that persecuted it. If your brother is emboldened to give that message to your relatives, fine, but you do not have to go looking for a relationship. If you have a relationship, you do not owe them instant trust, either. Trust is earned, and particularly when trust has been violated in the past, that is work that takes time.

Work on forgiveness, and let reconciliation come in its own time, if it will. Don’t force it.