What's my obligation to my biological family?

[EasterJoy]

I am sorry for your family situation and I will pray for you. One part of your post I found confusing, forgive me for asking but you seemed to be upset that none of your family would take you in when you were young and left you to foster care. Dear one, it seems like it was probably better that you did not life full-time with these people. Abuse on the Holidays is bad enough. Clearly they have emotional problems and did not have the capacity to take in young twins. I am saying this just so you can consider forgiving them for not taking you in…

Part of forgiving is looking at the situation from a different vantage point. OP, it is not sour grapes to realize that foster care, while it was far from perfect and carried the very painful sting of rejection, might still have been a means of preservation from the also-painful (and possibly worse) fate of living in a family of origin that would have left you in the emotional soup that you experienced during the holidays. You may have been kept out of those families because someone with your best interest at heart kept you out of them. As Monicad points out, part of forgiving them can include seeing that some of them might have put you into the hazard of pain in foster care in order to preserve you from the certainty of going through deep pain within the family situation your biological relatives would have provided. There may have been an “I can only hope that someday they’ll see why I couldn’t let them come here.”

 

[Chantal25]

I don’t consider my biological family to be my “family.” And while my foster parents are great, we aren’t really part of their family either. They were our guardians and we were guests in their home. My family is my brother. I understand the importance of forgiveness but I am not about to let those abusive people manipulate their way back into my life. If they wanted us to be a part of their family, they had a chance years ago, but they blew it. Am I wrong for thinking like this? Am I really obligated to let them back in, just because we share the same dna?

Dear, i want to say that i am deeply sorry for everything that has happened to you and your brother. I want to complement you about your faith that you kept and bravo for this. You and your brother are such brave souls. I understand the feeling of a stranger in your own family biological or not. Do you know that i came to realize, my real parent are God and Mother Mary anyway. It would have been cool to know unconditional love from family but, this is what happened and today, i truly and truly feel deep in my soul, that i was blessed beyond word. I wouldn’t have the compassionate heart that i have without those challenging time.

I pray for you and your brother to truly be supported in all level and to feel God’s love always.

As for your question, last year i probably would have said to you" No, you aren’t wrong, you can forgive them and pray for them without for you to volunteer to be mistreated this way." I did so much spiritual growth since, and rediscovering Jesus teaching and the Church faith.

Before i give you this advice that will follow shortly, i say to you: Pray God, with all of your heart, share your concern and how you feel and pray for guidance.

I will ask you one question: How close do you want to drawn God in your heart, what are you willing to do for him FOR the sake of love to him.

He did all the suffering during his passion, now our job is to forgive. Which you did.

Now, how close you want to be like Jesus? What would Jesus do, if he was in your shoes?

Do you need to trust them (your family)? NO. Should you consider to put the past behind and grant your aunt a chance to explain herself? The answer is up to you. Pray for God to guide you.

I know, what i did with my family. I couldn’t bare suffering and i decided to focus on unconditional love. I had no desire to be right, no desire to be accepted by them, i had no desire to have attachment with any outcome. I didn’t care if my name is bad, i didn’t care what they think of me, i just wanted peace more then anything else. I do interact with them and i bent, i don’t defend myself and i pray. I don’t seek for their support or anything but i simply decided to focus on unconditional love. Did i feel beat up? Yes, but let me tell you the reward and graces that i drawn on me without realizing what it would do. What matter is what God think of me, i didn’t originally did that for God but for me. Today, i continue to do this for God and also for me but this time, i truly care and love them as they are. I pray for their souls. I know that i am nothing without God in my life, he is my strength and my greatest support system. Ironically, i can feel like the past never occurred and all is so much peaceful. My trick today, is prayer, and Mother Mary.

You do what you can and Jesus will do the rest. If what you can, is only to accept to talk with this aunt, then do that. Pray for them from distance, forgive them and love them anyway with Jesus.

I pray for you and your brother to have all the support that you need, to feel loved and wanted always and for all the perfect miracles for both of you. I pray for St-Joseph to be your guide to you and your brother and for Mother Mary to nurture you always because you are her precious child.

-Chantal

 

[Serap]

I won’t get into the big back story because I would be typing for hours. But my brother and I were placed in foster care when we were young and stayed there until we aged out last year. (We’re twins.) When we were taken away from our mother (who died a few months later), we were 7 and none of our extended family would take us in, even though we had several aunts and uncles that live in the area. The story we were eventually told was that my brother and I were a reminder of a “scandal” in the family and it would just be too painful to have us around.

I don’t know why, but maybe it was just something they felt they had to do, my brother and I often had to spent holidays like Christmas and Thanksgiving with these relatives. Part of me thinks they had us over just to be cruel to us. There was a lot of verbal and physical abuse, both by our aunt and uncles and by our cousins. I would go into examples, but I really don’t want to. Since there was a lot of us cousins who were the same age, they also went to school with us, where they spread gossip and rumors about us.

All this went on until we were 14 and we were able to transfer to a different high school and finish our school days in relative peace. We finally got the courage up to tell our foster parents and case worker what had been happening and for the most part, they left us alone.

Until last year anyway. They started emailing us and sending requests on facebook. I would just delete them without reading them. After talking to my brother though, he said they wanted to reconnect. I finally read through some of the messages and they were filled the most passive-aggressive **** I’ve ever seen, blaming us for the rift between us and the rest of the family. The basic theme running through the messages has been, “We were hard on you, but that’s what you needed. And we forgive you.”

I was all set to just go back to ignoring them, when my priest stopped me after mass a few weeks ago. Apparently one of my Aunts had called him and explained the situation by giving her side of the story, which of course was filled with lies and half-truths. I should probably point out that while I have been attending that church for over a year, never once has the priest engaged me in any type of conversation. So I felt it was very inappropriate for him to be commenting on a situation he knows nothing about. Anyway, I told him how things actually went down and we had a long conversation about forgiveness and the importance of family. He said it was important that I make amends with them. He said that “Honor your father and mother” extends to family as well and that I’m in danger of breaking that commandment. I’ve since stopped going to church there and now go to a different parish.

I don’t consider my biological family to be my “family.” And while my foster parents are great, we aren’t really part of their family either. They were our guardians and we were guests in their home. My family is my brother. I understand the importance of forgiveness but I am not about to let those abusive people manipulate their way back into my life. If they wanted us to be a part of their family, they had a chance years ago, but they blew it. Am I wrong for thinking like this? Am I really obligated to let them back in, just because we share the same dna?

GOOD FOR YOU!!!

You do not have to honor them whatsoever. You just need to treat them with respect and forgive them from afar. You are NOT obligated to have a relationship with them at all! YOU set the boundaries that YOU want in your life.

They sound very toxic and you need to move on. I’m glad you have your brother!!

My mother was a foster child and spent her entire life trying to please her family. They have always treated her badly and finally at age 50, she came to the realization that she’s better off without them. Good for you for having the intelligence to see this now!

GOOD FOR YOU!!!

How old are you both? Are you now 18?

 

[Serap]

dear op,
i’m not any kind of an expert, beyond having raised two adopted kids, so take my comments with a grain of salt.
I don’t think you are wrong in wanting to avoid interaction with abusive family members. You are not under any obligation to allow them back into your life.
I don’t agree with the priest’s statement that honoring your father and mother applies equally to your other relatives. It applies to one’s father and mother. Now i could be wrong, so please check with a reliable priest about that. But those folks have shown their true colors already, why give them more chances to abuse you?
You can forgive them, if they indicate they want to be forgiven, without letting them into your life. I’ve gone through this with a former husband, for whom i wish the best, i pray for him, but don’t talk to him except once every 5 or 10 years.
I’m glad you have family in your brother, and hope you will find family or at least good friends among the people in your parish. Catholics are not the most social of people, but i’ve found it helpful to join a bible study or other group. And please don’t write off a whole parish because of the priest’s attempt to talk to you. Priests change parishes every few years anyway; and we go for jesus, not a specific priest.
God bless.

100% agree

 

[Serap]

I concur. These people are almost walking definitions of “toxic people”.

YES!!!

 

[Viki63]

You’ve received several replies, and - strangely enough for this site!-- most of us are in agreement. That for your own sake, you would be wise to forgive your relatives, but that in no way need you have a relationship with them if you don’t choose to.
If there’s more to the story, that only makes it more likely that going on with your own life without them is your best bet.
You only need to decide, in your own time, whether you will ignore them, or contact them via Facebook or email, or face to face. It might be helpful to put closure to the situation one way or another, so contacting them may be a good idea. But you know yourself best.
Be assured that a Dr Phil type reconciliation is not what forgiveness is about.
And I agree with Easter Joy, that maybe someone – perhaps a social worker – realized that the relatives would be more damaging than a foster home, and protected you. I think when we get to heaven we will realize how many protectors we had all along, without knowing it.
I know you will make a wise decision. God bless.

 

[Serap]

You’ve received several replies, and - strangely enough for this site!-- most of us are in agreement. That for your own sake, you would be wise to forgive your relatives, but that in no way need you have a relationship with them if you don’t choose to.
If there’s more to the story, that only makes it more likely that going on with your own life without them is your best bet.
You only need to decide, in your own time, whether you will ignore them, or contact them via Facebook or email, or face to face. It might be helpful to put closure to the situation one way or another, so contacting them may be a good idea. But you know yourself best.
Be assured that a Dr Phil type reconciliation is not what forgiveness is about.
And I agree with Easter Joy, that maybe someone – perhaps a social worker – realized that the relatives would be more damaging than a foster home, and protected you. I think when we get to heaven we will realize how many protectors we had all along, without knowing it.
I know you will make a wise decision. God bless.

great advice.

I think it’s amazing that this young lady came out on top. She sounds like a very intelligent and together woman. God bless her!

You had a tough start in life and you can now make your adult life a good and meaningful one. You now have control over your life and which company you will and will not keep. I will pray for you. God bless your amazing character!!!

 

[Chantal25]

It is important not to make a decision from our own perspective and what most agree but from God’s perspective. Which you could figure out with prayer.

Jesus did nothing that most agree or we would do from a human perspective, but he went in total obedient to God, forgive unthinkable sin, suggest to offer the other cheek if someone is to hit you, suggest to give our possession if someone want them etc…

It is important to ask yourself, what would Jesus do in your place. If there is an opportunity for peace and i know Jesus would cease it.

Our human perspective is offend a tendency to protect the ego, pride, our self love etc… but Jesus teach about unconditional love toward others.

Blessings and love!

 

[Serap]

It is important not to make a decision from our own perspective and what most agree but from God’s perspective. Which you could figure out with prayer.

Jesus did nothing that most agree or we would do from a human perspective, but he went in total obedient to God, forgive unthinkable sin, suggest to offer the other cheek if someone is to hit you, suggest to give our possession if someone want them etc…

It is important to ask yourself, what would Jesus do in your place. If there is an opportunity for peace and i know Jesus would cease it.

Our human perspective is offend a tendency to protect the ego, pride, our self love etc… but Jesus teach about unconditional love toward others.

Blessings and love!

Jesus does not want us to be abused though. The OP is very young and really needs to focus on herself right now and getting her own life together without the abuse from her toxic family.

 

[Chantal25]

Dear Serap, i really understand your view, i truly do but we need to step back and let God lead the way. Pray for him and pray that God guide him according to his will.

Trust that God is wise and know how to guide his children to him. If this is best that he keeps his distance, he will have the help he needs, if it isn’t, he will have the courage, faith and graces to do such a thing. Trust.

Blessings and love!

 

[Serap]

Dear Serap, i really understand your view, i truly do but we need to step back and let God lead the way. Pray for him and pray that God guide him according to his will.

Trust that God is wise and know how to guide his children to him. If this is best that he keeps his distance, he will have the help he needs, if it isn’t, he will have the courage, faith and graces to do such a thing. Trust.

Blessings and love!

blessings to you too!

Life has been very difficult for her. Every child deserves a great childhood and it’s so sad that not every child gets one!

 

[pollynova]

Thank you Serap and everyone else too. We’re 19 now, btw.

The more I think about it, the more I know I need to forgive them. But I also know I can’t have anything to do with them. The anger they cause me drives a wedge between God and myself. They are manipulative and hurtful towards me and more importantly, to my brother. And I just can’t have them in my life.

 

[Kensho]

You’re very young and have been badly hurt. Yes, you need to forgive, but you also need to not beat yourself up if you just can’t do it yet. I believe that trying to force yourself to not be angry and to rush into forgiveness will just cause you to stall in the bad feelings. The Bible says be angry but do not sin. A good confessor could be of great help to you in working through anger in a non-sinful way, but I realize those can be hard to come by.

Whatever you decide to do now, it doesn’t have to be permanent. You can decide that for now you need to keep your distance, and after some years have passed, you may want to see if you can have a relationship with these people. There would be no benefit whatsoever for you to force yourself into a relationship that you don’t feel ready for. If the time comes to extend the olive branch, I believe you will know it and will understand the difference between doing something difficult solely for love of God and doing something difficult that is damaging to you, out of a mistaken notion that God will be angry or disappointed in you if you don’t.

Pray for these people daily. It need not be a long, involved prayer: A simple “God bless so-and-so” will do. Better still, have Masses offered for them. There is nothing like doing a good deed for an enemy to help you overcome anger and begin to feel compassion, and in having Masses offered, you have the weight and power of the entire Church behind you, bearing you up and filling in for your deficiencies.

 

[maryjk]

Pray for these people daily. It need not be a long, involved prayer: A simple “God bless so-and-so” will do. Better still, have Masses offered for them. There is nothing like doing a good deed for an enemy to help you overcome anger and begin to feel compassion, and in having Masses offered, you have the weight and power of the entire Church behind you, bearing you up and filling in for your deficiencies.

I was once told by a priest that when praying for my mother-in-law, I should pray.

Dear Lord, please open XXXXXXX’a eyes to all that she is missing. Please allow her to understand the problems she is causing with her actions. Let her understand the hurt she has caused our family.

 

[Kensho]

I was once told by a priest that when praying for my mother-in-law, I should pray.

I don’t favor that kind of prayer myself because it is focused on the actions of the other person. I would not find it helpful because it would get me thinking about my anger and hurt and be all about what I want from that person rather than what God wants for all involved. I believe that “God bless my mother-in-law” takes care of all the above and more, and if in the beginning we are so upset that we say it through gritted teeth and add “even though she’s such a dirty so-and-so”, I suppose God will understand.

It’s Lent! A time for high-octane prayer and charitable giving. At this time of year I go through the Vatican charity, CNEWA, and arrange to have Masses prayed for my various hard cases by third world priests who need those stipends to live on. I’ll be doing that myself soon for the people I’m too angry to deal with directly. Fewer than last year! It must be working!

 

[Serap]

Thank you Serap and everyone else too. We’re 19 now, btw.

The more I think about it, the more I know I need to forgive them. But I also know I can’t have anything to do with them. The anger they cause me drives a wedge between God and myself. They are manipulative and hurtful towards me and more importantly, to my brother. And I just can’t have them in my life.

Good decision. Go and get what you want out of life! You are so amazing! You are a rock for your brother, I’m sure!!!

 

[Serap]

I was once told by a priest that when praying for my mother-in-law, I should pray.

great prayer!

 

[Chantal25]

Thank you Serap and everyone else too. We’re 19 now, btw.

The more I think about it, the more I know I need to forgive them. But I also know I can’t have anything to do with them. The anger they cause me drives a wedge between God and myself. They are manipulative and hurtful towards me and more importantly, to my brother. And I just can’t have them in my life.

I am so proud of you. I pray for you and your sister. Somehow, i thought you were a boy, so sorry about this.

You are loved!

 

[Serap]

Thank you Serap and everyone else too. We’re 19 now, btw.

The more I think about it, the more I know I need to forgive them. But I also know I can’t have anything to do with them. The anger they cause me drives a wedge between God and myself. They are manipulative and hurtful towards me and more importantly, to my brother. And I just can’t have them in my life.

I was raised by my mother and father, but was badly abused growing up. I was beaten, verbally abused and I was also sexually abused by my father. By the time I was your age (19), I was going through the same thought processes as you. I didn’t have a twin brother for support, you are very lucky!!!

So what did I do? I was angry and cried a lot. I moved 3,000 miles away to another city and put myself into free counseling. I did not speak to my father for 3 years while I was in therapy. I worked on myself and worked on my anger.

My self esteem was ZERO. After my therapy, I decided at age 22 to go to university and finish a business commerce degree. I worked as a bartender for 4 years and took on student loans and finished my degree. Then I got my first job and struggled financially for a couple of years while paying my loans. After 2 years of working, my salary doubled and then I was a lot more comfortable. Within 5 years, I was making great money and was able to finish paying off my loan and make a nice life for myself.

I met my husband at age 30 as it took me a long time to learn to love myself and get my finances in order. We married when I was 35 and now we have 2 beautiful children and although we are both a bit “broken”, we are happy as a family and we love eachother very much.

Because we have been through so much as people, we are able to understand eachother. My husband also had an abusive childhood and he’s a bit broken like me.

I’m writing this to you to tell you that you CAN and WILL make a beautiful life for yourself!!! Your emotional scars will always be there, but you can make a wonderful life for yourself. Face the anger and work on healing. Work on bettering yourself, whether it be college or an apprenticeship somewhere. Live out your dreams and they will come true!!!

Love,
Serap xx

 

[Serap]

I am so proud of you. I pray for you and your sister. Somehow, i thought you were a boy, so sorry about this.

You are loved!

I’m so proud of her too!!