What's the Catholic position on lack of sex in marriage?

[Shiann]

“Just do it anyway?”

It’s not exactly rape, but close enough to it to be really offensive. I guess under some definitions it would be.

is staying far, far away from Catholic guys now

It goes the other way too. It’s not just women who don’t always feel like it.

I know there are days when I really don’t feel like exercising. And there are day’s when I really don’t want to go to work. But these are days when it takes a little “digging deep” for the desire to accomplish those tasks.

It certainly isn’t offensive to give your spouse the care and comfort of the marital embrace even when you would rather not. Sometimes we just need to do it anyway- sometimes after we do- we are glad we did.

 

[cargopilot]

“Just do it anyway?”

It’s not exactly rape, but close enough to it to be really offensive. I guess under some definitions it would be.

is staying far, far away from Catholic guys now

Hi Ghostgirl,

I realize that it impossible for you to understand what a full-on Sacramental Catholic marriage is all about. As a husband, I am bound to love my wife as Jesus loved the Church. I am required to lay my very life down, for her, if necessary. Our bodies are not our own, my body is absolutely hers, her body is absolutely mine. We both knew this when we married, if we couldn’t accept this, we don’t have to get married.

The Catholic ‘formula’ for the Sacrament of marriage works. In fact, the divorce rate for a Catholic couple married in the Church, who attends Mass every week and practices NFP or no birth control whatsoever, is less than 1%.

Has my dear wife submitted to my serious request for the marital act when she didn’t feel like it? Yes, many times. Have I honored her request for the marital act when I didn’t feel like it? Sure, many times. Would we ever divorce each other? No way! Why should we? Only a fool would leave what I’ve got.

I would be curious to see what the divorce rate is for the athiests. Do you really think it’s better?

Oh, thanks for staying far, far away from the Catholic guys. Besides, all the good ones know what I know…Catholic girls RULE!http://forums.catholic-questions.org/images/icons/icon12.gif

 

[BeautifyU]

Peace-bwu:

I have another vote for YES.
who knows maybe you will start to like it. Sex is a wonderful gift from God. Go through the motions gladly as a gift to your spouse.

Go through the motions. Be loving and giving.

There must be a limit to how loving and giving one must be? I mean, after several times of forcing oneself to do it, it becomes an emotionally painful act.

 

[Katie1723]

Peace-bwu:

I have another vote for YES.
who knows maybe you will start to like it. Sex is a wonderful gift from God. Go through the motions gladly as a gift to your spouse.

Go through the motions. Be loving and giving.

Sex is not like Nike. Going throught the motions just cheapens the act. No way would I “Just Do It” gladly or otherwise. Better to investigate why libido is low than do something because you “have to”.
~ Kathy ~

 

[otm]

KingdomHallsEnd:

Yes, it can. There are such things as Joshephite marriages, named after St. Joseph, that are marriages in which both couples are celibate through all of their married life.

Well, you are sort of right, and sort of wrong.

A Josephit marriage is not one in which sexual conatact can be “withheld”. It is a marriage in which the parties mutually choose not to engage in sexual intercourse. Withheld implies, at the least, that one party is choosing to not have intercourse, and the other is not maiking that choice, or is choosing to have intercourse.

 

[otm]

BeautifyU:

There must be a limit to how loving and giving one must be? I mean, after several times of forcing oneself to do it, it becomes an emotionally painful act.

For one who is emotionally pained at what God gave as a gift to both spouses, there is an obvious need for counseling. It is not normal to fear and/or loath and/or be emotionally damaged by an act that should be doing just the opposite.

Please get help, both for your sake and your spouse’s.

 

[cheddarsox]

BeautifyU:

There must be a limit to how loving and giving one must be? I mean, after several times of forcing oneself to do it, it becomes an emotionally painful act.

Your use of the words “forcing oneself” is very telling and sad.
But I do understand that sometimes it can be this way.

As another posted said, not all of what we must do out of love is easy. Sometimes going to a job we hate, getting up to tend to a physical need of a family member, denying our own wants and even needs can get to the point that we must “force” ourselves to do it. but often, remembering the love, either for God or for our spouse or family member for whom we are sacrificing, can transform our burden.

If we can visualize ourselves serving the divine, rather than our spouse, ailing family member etc, than sometimes our hearts are moved, and we no longer are forcing ourselves, but begin to feel some softening of our heart, and love can begin to flow.

Even when we don’t feel the desire, we can do a thing out of love, and feel some love moving through us. I have had to do this many times over the course of my marriage, in many areas. It is important not to allow a lack of loving feelings to keep us from loving action. Sometimes I am going through my own “stuff”, and fear, dissappointment, pain, anger keep me from feeling love, but that is not my partner’s fault or issue, it is my own, and it is unfair to penalize my spouse and kids for my temporary inability to deal with life.

Yes, it is a two way street, and living as a family we must be sensitive to the needs and feelings of one another. They show me mercy and grace when I am out of sorts as well.

When my self is in a place where it is simply obstinate, then I must set it aside and serve others who are still capable of being touched and transformed by love. When my self returns to a more malleable state, I can pick myself up and move on again. Sometimes it is simply a waste of time/energy to try to please my unpleasable self, and I am better off tending to others.

cheddar

 

[KathleenElsie]

KingdomHallsEnd:

Yes, it can. There are such things as Joshephite marriages, named after St. Joseph, that are marriages in which both couples are celibate through all of their married life.

Both parties agree to this. It can not be onesided.

 

[sunshine09]

Pray first then communicate. Never wanting to consumate the marriage is a problem when both parties have not agreed on that subject. Get to the root of the problem. Contact your church for help in finding a qualified counselor to help or if your not comfortable Catholic Charities can possibly give you a listing of marriage counselors in your area.

God Bless,

Wife & Mother

 

[Celeste88]

Peace-bwu:

I have another vote for YES.
who knows maybe you will start to like it. Sex is a wonderful gift from God. Go through the motions gladly as a gift to your spouse.

Go through the motions. Be loving and giving.

Excuse me, but doesn’t this sound a little like being raped?
You know rape is not just about taking someone at gunpoint, it can be from an act of coertion.

 

[cheddarsox]

Celeste88:

Excuse me, but doesn’t this sound a little like being raped?
You know rape is not just about taking someone at gunpoint, it can be from an act of coertion.

Having relations out of love for your spouse, even though you prefer not to is not at all like rape.

If you are submitting out of fear of retribution, then it is rape. Submitting out of love, respect, a desire to please or even obedience to vows is not the same as rape.

I’ve been in both situations, and they are quite different.

I do think there are situations when a partner has the right and sometimes even the duty to refuse sexual relations with a partner. If a spouse comes home drunk and abusive, or is demanding sex several times a day, in inappropriate ways or places etc, that is not OK. But requesting normal relations is…normal.

cheddar

 

[Katie1723]

cheddarsox:

Having relations out of love for your spouse, even though you prefer not to is not at all like rape.

If you are submitting out of fear of retribution, then it is rape. Submitting out of love, respect, a desire to please or even obedience to vows is not the same as rape.

I’ve been in both situations, and they are quite different.

I do think there are situations when a partner has the right and sometimes even the duty to refuse sexual relations with a partner. If a spouse comes home drunk and abusive, or is demanding sex several times a day, in inappropriate ways or places etc, that is not OK. But requesting normal relations is…normal.

cheddar

There is such a thing as emotional rape. And submitting when one doesn’t feel like it, and just going through the motions, is hardly conducive to “feeling loved”…it is , as you say , “having sex”. I prefer “making love”. Be that several times a day, or once a month. I prefer the "unitive " aspect of marital relations be done out of love, not necessity.
~ Kathy ~

 

[BeautifyU]

cheddarsox:

Your use of the words “forcing oneself” is very telling and sad.
But I do understand that sometimes it can be this way.

As another posted said, not all of what we must do out of love is easy. Sometimes going to a job we hate, getting up to tend to a physical need of a family member, denying our own wants and even needs can get to the point that we must “force” ourselves to do it. but often, remembering the love, either for God or for our spouse or family member for whom we are sacrificing, can transform our burden.

If we can visualize ourselves serving the divine, rather than our spouse, ailing family member etc, than sometimes our hearts are moved, and we no longer are forcing ourselves, but begin to feel some softening of our heart, and love can begin to flow.

Even when we don’t feel the desire, we can do a thing out of love, and feel some love moving through us. I have had to do this many times over the course of my marriage, in many areas. It is important not to allow a lack of loving feelings to keep us from loving action. Sometimes I am going through my own “stuff”, and fear, dissappointment, pain, anger keep me from feeling love, but that is not my partner’s fault or issue, it is my own, and it is unfair to penalize my spouse and kids for my temporary inability to deal with life.

Yes, it is a two way street, and living as a family we must be sensitive to the needs and feelings of one another. They show me mercy and grace when I am out of sorts as well.

When my self is in a place where it is simply obstinate, then I must set it aside and serve others who are still capable of being touched and transformed by love. When my self returns to a more malleable state, I can pick myself up and move on again. Sometimes it is simply a waste of time/energy to try to please my unpleasable self, and I am better off tending to others.

cheddar

Thanks, this answer was more like what I was looking for!
BeautifyU

 

[BeautifyU]

Katie1723:

There is such a thing as emotional rape. And submitting when one doesn’t feel like it, and just going through the motions, is hardly conducive to “feeling loved”…it is , as you say , “having sex”. I prefer “making love”. Be that several times a day, or once a month. I prefer the "unitive " aspect of marital relations be done out of love, not necessity.

                           ~ Kathy ~

I also find this comment comforting. Thanks!

 

[BlestOne]

cargopilot:

Hi Ghostgirl,

I realize that it impossible for you to understand what a full-on Sacramental Catholic marriage is all about. As a husband, I am bound to love my wife as Jesus loved the Church. I am required to lay my very life down, for her, if necessary. Our bodies are not our own, my body is absolutely hers, her body is absolutely mine. We both knew this when we married, if we couldn’t accept this, we don’t have to get married.

The Catholic ‘formula’ for the Sacrament of marriage works. In fact, the divorce rate for a Catholic couple married in the Church, who attends Mass every week and practices NFP or no birth control whatsoever, is less than 1%.

Has my dear wife submitted to my serious request for the marital act when she didn’t feel like it? Yes, many times. Have I honored her request for the marital act when I didn’t feel like it? Sure, many times. Would we ever divorce each other? No way! Why should we? Only a fool would leave what I’ve got.

I would be curious to see what the divorce rate is for the athiests. Do you really think it’s better?

Oh, thanks for staying far, far away from the Catholic guys. Besides, all the good ones know what I know…Catholic girls RULE!http://forums.catholic-questions.org/images/icons/icon12.gif

As a Catholic wife I second this!!! Ghostgirl, try to look at it from the opposite side. My ex never wanted sex…We are talking years of not sharing single moment of closeness. I was depressed, lonely, felt I was not only unatractive but horribly unlovable. Most people think that men are the ones that always want and women never do…this is so wrong!!! In a Catholic marriage (which my first was not), we willingly give ourselves to each other…the bonds of marriage are forever, not till we don’t feel like trying anymore. All of us, MEN and WOMEN have periods where we want more from our spouse than they want to provide at that moment. We also have times where our spouse wants more from us than we want to give, but we do because to do so is to reinforce the promise we made to each other and God on our wedding day. The sacrament of Marriage to Catholics is a declaration of our vocation. We are all called to serve God, some of us as priests, religious or singles. But some of us are called to be married. When we enter into this sacred covenant we literally give ourselves to another. My husband is mine and I am his. My job as a wife is to bear any children God blesses us with, care for my family, teach my children and bring them up in Christ. I never look at sex as a duty, I think that is wrong. I see it as receiving the love and attention from my husband that Christ gave to his bride, the Church. As Christ loved his church (all of us), so should my husband love me and I love him. By accepting his attention, I am like the Church accepting Christ’s love for them. As far as what CargoPilot said about practicing Catholics and divorce…he is absolutely correct. A couple that prays and worships together has lower than a 1% divorce rate. I see this as “proof” of a God ordained marriage. Keeping my covenant to God and to my husband is the most important thing in my life. Before you think I am hopelessly outdated and old-fashioned (which I would take as a complement), I should tell you that I am a coporate type, I work very hard, at times I have to socialize with business aquaintences and civic leaders (politicians sounds so negative) and part of my work involves attending charitable functions. I love my work, but above all I love our Lord and then my family. Before we are allowed to enter into a sacramental marriage, our priest makes sure we understand the full meaning of the covenant and he will not witness the marriage unless he believes that we are capable of understanding and we are prepared to enter into the sacrament.

When you understand the entirety of the sacrament, it is the most beautiful expression of selfless giving. I give myself to my husband as he gives himself to me. We both accept and believe that children are a gift from our Lord and we need to selflessly pour our love out to them by raising them knowing the love of God. Ask any wife and mother, she would gladly sacrifice herself for her family as Christ sacrificed himself to save us. This is what a true Catholic marriage is about.

So, to bring it around full circle, in marriage a husband gives himself to his wife and a wife gives herself to her husband. My body is no longer mine but his and his body is mine. I have never said to my husband “No absolutely not…” I have said “honey, I am really tired…” but if he still wants to express his love to me he knows that all he has to do is cuddle up with me as we thank God for our day and somehow, God grants me the strength and desire to fulfil his desire and visa versa. In the end, we are all happy.

 

[cheddarsox]

Katie1723:

There is such a thing as emotional rape. And submitting when one doesn’t feel like it, and just going through the motions, is hardly conducive to “feeling loved”…it is , as you say , “having sex”. I prefer “making love”. Be that several times a day, or once a month. I prefer the "unitive " aspect of marital relations be done out of love, not necessity.

                           ~ Kathy ~

Kathy,

In a marriage where the people are in a loving relationship, attending to the sexual needs of the partner even when we would rather not, is a loving act.

If the marriage has disintegrated to a point that having marital relations would constitute rape or emotional abuse then clearly there is a serious situation that needs to be addressed.

When we get to a point in a relationship that occasionally putting the other persons desires or needs ahead of our own feels abusive, then there are bigger issues that need to be attended to.

I am not counseling people in abusive relationships to submitt in some false sense of obedience to the church. That is absolutely not what marriage is about.

Also, the needs and desires of both spouses need to be taken into account. The one who “wants it” doesn’t automatically always win. Other needs, including emotional ones, must certainly be considered.

cheddar

 

[Katie1723]

cheddarsox:

Kathy, ….Also, the needs and desires of both spouses need to be taken into account. The one who “wants it” doesn’t automatically always win. Other needs, including emotional ones, must certainly be considered.

cheddar

I feel that it is far better for BOTH to" want it", because no matter what, the spouse who "gives in ", if they were really honest with their partner and themselves,generally feels “used” in some manner. And this is a lousy way to feel when something so beautiful is at the heart of the matter.
~ Kathy ~

 

[contemplative]

BeautifyU:

I know our role as married couples is to be fruitful and multiply, so what if one partner wants sex all the time and the other never wants it? Should one be reduced to going through the motions so the other is not deprived?

All the time?

and

Never wants to?

Something is wrong. Go see your doctors and seek counseling.

 

[BeautifyU]

contemplative:

All the time?

and

Never wants to?

Something is wrong. Go see your doctors and seek counseling.

We are making an appointment today to discuss this with our priest togehter, as he is well trained in dealing with marital issues. Obviously, I’m aware that there is a problem that needs to be addressed or I wouldn’t have posted this question. Much stems from childhood abuse and physical ailments. How much is a spouse to endure when the other has so much “baggage?” Please pray for us that our priest can help. And thanks for all the (name removed by moderator)ut!

 

[Consecrated]

cheddarsox:

Your use of the words “forcing oneself” is very telling and sad.
But I do understand that sometimes it can be this way.

As another posted said, not all of what we must do out of love is easy. Sometimes going to a job we hate, getting up to tend to a physical need of a family member, denying our own wants and even needs can get to the point that we must “force” ourselves to do it. but often, remembering the love, either for God or for our spouse or family member for whom we are sacrificing, can transform our burden.

If we can visualize ourselves serving the divine, rather than our spouse, ailing family member etc, than sometimes our hearts are moved, and we no longer are forcing ourselves, but begin to feel some softening of our heart, and love can begin to flow.

Even when we don’t feel the desire, we can do a thing out of love, and feel some love moving through us. I have had to do this many times over the course of my marriage, in many areas. It is important not to allow a lack of loving feelings to keep us from loving action. Sometimes I am going through my own “stuff”, and fear, dissappointment, pain, anger keep me from feeling love, but that is not my partner’s fault or issue, it is my own, and it is unfair to penalize my spouse and kids for my temporary inability to deal with life.

Yes, it is a two way street, and living as a family we must be sensitive to the needs and feelings of one another. They show me mercy and grace when I am out of sorts as well.

When my self is in a place where it is simply obstinate, then I must set it aside and serve others who are still capable of being touched and transformed by love. When my self returns to a more malleable state, I can pick myself up and move on again. Sometimes it is simply a waste of time/energy to try to please my unpleasable self, and I am better off tending to others.

cheddar

This is beautiful, thank you!

I have been through something like what BeautifyU is talking about, I think, though definitely not as serious. The reason I lost libido was because of pregnancy… I guess low libido sometimes happens amidst all the changing hormones. If it had been up to me, I would never have made love during those nine months of both pregnancies, and been perfectly satisfied. My husband, however, had a perfectly legitimate need for that expression of love, and so did I, though I didn’t know it. I was very honest about my feelings, or lack thereof, and he was very understanding. He did everything he could to take care of me in other ways, and so when he needed me to take care of him, that is, make love, I would agree. And I have to say those times strengthened our love more than anything. It was a true gift of self on both our parts, and just b/c I didn’t feel like sex doesn’t mean it wasn’t making love!!! AND I NEVER ONCE FELT USED. I felt cherished and glad that my dear husband loved me so much he couldn’t be without me!

That being said, I think it’s very important to try to know what could be behind the lack of libido, because it IS very wonderful to have passion every once in a while! It could be a temporary situation, as it was in my case. I can see how it would be very hard for both partners not to be a little depressed if the low libido continued indefinitely with no end in site, and no way to fix it.

In the mean time, continue “giving in”! The Church says that’s best and with good reason! Hopefully your spouse is understanding and caring in his approach to your troubles. Remember to pray for him!