The most difficult penance for me (still working on this) is to love myself.
I was abused as a child. Then, I was diagnosed with a psychotic disorder because of this trauma. When I heard the news speaking constantly about “psychotic people being dangerous”, I thought to myself, “I’m not a citizen of this country, nor a human, nor a living being…I’m just breathing because I have to.”
Even now, my Catholic faith is my only source of comfort knowing that at least God loves me. If no one on this Earth loves me because I suffer from physical and mental disabilities, only God does. That is not a changing fact- God will always love me, in the good times and in the bad.
In confession, Father told me two things: 1. I should not hate myself because I’m made in God’s image, and 2. Anger is not a sin and often it’s a human emotion (he’s talking about how angry I am about my physical disability, not about anyone else). And then he gave me penance.
Father’s right. I’m made in God image. But when I was told as a child that I am ugly and disgusting, I can’t help but think otherwise. I’m still working on it. It gives me much comfort knowing that God loves me, and He always will love me.
St. Cecilia and Bl. Margaret of Castello, pray for us.