If you go by the rule that because something happens a lot, it should be accepted, then rape and paedophilia are acceptable. I’m not saying that you in any way support that, simply pointing out that that is where your argument is leading.
That was certainly not my intention in pointing out that adultery and divorce are prevalent in society. Personally, I believe that there are many people who enter marriage with trivial expectations of happiness, then divorce or cheat the minute those expectations are compromised - but that, I also think, is in part a product of the “fashionisation” of romance and weddings and so forth. That is a somewhat separate argument.
As there is a lot of evidence about many parents not loving their children equally and that many children don’t love their parents equally, you can’t really use that argument either. And I’ve been working with a cat charity for too long to believe that many people love their pets equally either.
I’m certainly not saying it’s unusual to experience a preference for one child, one pet, one parent, over another; but this doesn’t invalidate the relationship involved. Preferences are not set in stone, but commitments - if undertaken seriously - are so. It depends largely upon one’s beliefs as one enters a commitment. If you consider the commitment trivial from the outset, then you’ll treat it as trivial in the long term. I agree that all too many people consider the needs of nonhuman animals to be unworthy of a lifetime commitment, and I’ve seen the results of this ignorant assumption. Few things make me angrier, in fact.
As I said in my other post, humans evolved to be monogamous, it was the best way of ensuring that offspring lived. Women even evolved permenantly engorged breasts as a way of putting off men, as the only time other primate females have large breasts is when they’re lactating and therefore would not be fertile (sorry guys - you can’t argue that you’re naturally attracted to them, just the opposite).
I’m not so sure that humans evolved to be monogamous - if you live in an interrelated tribal situation, raising the children is a group effort anyway, regardless of which tribe members are their biological parents. I’d be more inclined to suppose that socio-economic structures, following from the development of agriculture and settled living, imposed a need for monogamy upon human societies…well, at least female monogamy, so that property-owning males could pass their wealth on to offspring they felt sure were their own. And, as I’ve pointed out earlier, attraction is a very individual thing - not all men, fortunately for me, are attracted to pendulous breasts…
Infidelity is a deal-breaker because you betrayed that person’s trust. When you are with someone in a relationship, you open up to them so much more than in a friendship or even family relationships. It is like entrusting that person with your soul. If you treat them badly, by being unfaithful, you have treated their very self with contempt.
I agree, but I don’t consider sexual exclusivity to be a requirement. In the polyamorous community with whom I spend time, it’s known as “ethical non-monogamy”, which means there is honest admission of attraction and interaction at every stage. It’s the dishonesty - to some extent, imposed by social expectations of monogamy - that makes it a betrayal.
The fact that you expect someone to fulfill all your needs isn’t crazy, it just shows that your view of relationships is skewed. They are not there to fulfill all your needs, they are there for the pair of you to fulfill each other’s needs. If that person doesn’t meet every last need, that doesn’t give you the right to be unfaithful, it just means that you should put aside that need, make it a sacrifice, to the person you love. That doesn’t mean being a doormat, no-one should have to deny all their needs for someone else. Denying some small desire is what love is about, that person becomes more important than your desires… If your partner is unwell, you need to put your sexual desires aside, out of love for that person, because they’re more important. If your partner doesn’t share some sexual desire or fantasy, then you put it aside.
Relationships aren’t about our needs and wants being met, they’re about learning to be unselfish, as that’s what you need to be if you bring children into the world. Just because you don’t want children, doesn’t mean that you have the right to be selfish, even in non-child bearing relationships. The emotions we evolved through relationships that did bear children (obviously or we wouldn’t be here), still apply. That’s not crazy, that’s entirely logical.
Relationships are about learning how to interact with others in mutually fulfilling ways. If you’re both giving up something of yourself in order to maintain the relationship, then you’re both diminished by it. Expecting any person to conform to your needs is an exercise of selfishness, be it ever so subtle - and this is played out by parents who impose their own expectations upon children without truly appreciating that their offspring are individuals in their own right, with their own needs and abilities and desires. One of the advantages of polyamory, in my experience, is that it involves
total acceptance and appreciation of one’s partner(s), to the extent of accepting that they are attracted to other people. Of course there is compromise involved, but it is a finely balanced compromise - not one imposed by hard rules, but continually negotiated and facilitated by necessary and productive communication. This
is profoundly unselfish, because it means acknowledging and embracing the fact that no other person’s world revolves entirely around you.
). I am fully supportive of my little sister, as I said, and I would be proud to be her bridesmaid, if Scotland legalises gay marriage (and if you’re reading this little sister, that’s a big hint). I am not trying to force anyone to change their lifestyle against their will. I simply oppose the idea that society should accept and “embrace” polygynous or multi-amorous relationships, because they are not good for the wellbeing of the vast majority of the participants. That is the moral problem for me, not following the rules on marriage.
???
That’s horrible! I hope you’ve contacted a lawyer.