What's your take on this?

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funnyyetsavvy

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My coworker is dating a Catholic man that she believes she’s in love with. He seems very nice, but she’s wrestling with one thing. He is on his computer a lot and told her that even if they were married he wouldn’t tell her the password. His reasoning is that she or the potential kids might do something that messed it up.

She is concerned that this isn’t a good thing. He uses the computer for work sometimes, so in a WAY it’s understandable, but yet…

I should add they’ve been dating over a year and are thinking of marrying. He’s been married twice before.

I was thinking that this sounds a little like a red flag to me…
 
funnyyetsavvy said:
My coworker is dating a Catholic man that she believes she’s in love with. He seems very nice, but she’s wrestling with one thing. He is on his computer a lot and told her that even if they were married he wouldn’t tell her the password. His reasoning is that she or the potential kids might do something that messed it up.

She is concerned that this isn’t a good thing. He uses the computer for work sometimes, so in a WAY it’s understandable, but yet…

I should add they’ve been dating over a year and are thinking of marrying. He’s been married twice before.

I was thinking that this sounds a little like a red flag to me…
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Hi funny;

I wonder if he gave the password to his ex’s…lol Maybe that’s why they are now ex’s:o …sounds fishy to me. I don’t know if that is a great way to start a life together by telling someone you’re not giving her/him the password to your computer.

Does she know if his marriages have been annuled? Is he free to be dating?
 
The fact that he couldn’t make two marriages before her work is a redder flag than his secretiveness on his computer. Wait. Maybe it’s all related.

Does he believe marriage is permanent?

She needs to go fishing at another waterhole. This one is a throw-back.
 
Depends on what he uses the computer for. If it is for high-level work, I can certainly understand. Both my oldest son and my BIL have high-level computer jobs and both have passwords to keep the kids out of it.
 
Liberanosamalo said:
The fact that he couldn’t make two marriages before her work is a redder flag than his secretiveness on his computer. Wait. Maybe it’s all related.

Does he believe marriage is permanent?

She needs to go fishing at another waterhole. This one is a throw-back.
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I agree with this…
 
The fact that he couldn’t make two marriages before her work is a redder flag than his secretiveness on his computer. Wait. Maybe it’s all related.
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Uh huh:yup: needs deeper investigation.
Depends on what he uses the computer for. If it is for high-level work, I can certainly understand. Both my oldest son and my BIL have high-level computer jobs and both have passwords to keep the kids out of it.
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Possible yes. But I wonder why he wouldn’t just tell her that? or maybe he has? if he was keeping it from kids I could definitely understand but I think it’s her he’s keeping it from.

I’m sure there are valid reasons not to give out his password but…if I was going to marry a guy I’d want him to feel like he could give me the password even if he didn’t want me using it for the above mentioned reasons. I dunno…that’s just me.
 
I agree with the others that said being married 2x is more of a red flag. That being said… I am a computer professional and I take care of not only my computers, but the computers for the 20 companies I work for… My ceo would be lost without his documents which is precisely why he hired me…but he refuses to password because that computer is rarely out of his possession and if he does leave it at work and needs a document… then he would just have to tell me his password anyway. So valuable and high security documents really are more about the computer being with you at all times (laptop of course) but home desktops are almost outdated for work purposes unless you are a game developer because you have to transfer documents from 1 computer to another if you work at the office and at home.

I am more inclined to believe there are other reasons if he won’t let her have the password. Perhaps a bad experience with ex 1 & 2 could be it but… still… it sure seems like he is trying to hide things…kwim?
 
Personally I would worry about the other marriage first. IMHO if a man is going to commit a mortal sin by looking at inappropriate images on his computer, he can at least be honest about it with his girlfriend. Honesty is probably one of THE most important aspects of a relationship.

My guess is that it’s the honesty / openness that is the problem rather than the possibility of porn. The only thing I would worry about is that if you can’t tell your wife or potential wife that sometimes to look at things, why not? I know some on this board really freak out but as I have said before most women I know don’t. However some of those might if their husbands hid their infrequent failings from them. So what if there is a picture of a naked women… you guys talk about it and deal with it. If he is a man he should be able to handle that. However passwording the system so that no one has access would actually make me worry that their were more deviant images.

My guess would be that it was a trust issue on the other marriages… can’t have a successful marriage w/o trust.

Joe
 
Just reading about it makes me uncomfortable. I can’t imagine living with someone that was so cagey. Your friend would do best to just move on. Not even press the issue.
 
It is normal for a husband to ask his wife to make sure she doesn’t open a program or a file. It is NOT normal for him to say that he will never ever give her his password.

That and the two previously failed marriages lead to believe that he may have something to hide. 🤷
 
Ok. I would like to approach this from a different angle. BUT first my caveats:
  1. The TWO previous marriages are the red flags here, not the password issue.
  2. I doubt that she can get married in the Church. One annulled marriage is possible. Two…?
  3. If he spends a lot of time on the computer now, it is unlikely to change when/if they get married. If she’s not ok with the little attention she gets now, then this too is another flag.
    Because of these three reasons, I don’t think he’s a catch.
Now, for the other angle: Why does she need his password? Trust goes both ways. My wife has all my passwords: computer, email, phone, etc., BUT she never asked for them. I gave them to her willingly. Perhaps her request for his password sent up his red flags on her. Willing she be controlling? Snooping in my stuff and constantly badgering me about every female name she sees? We cannot ignore his possible point of view.

As to protecting his stuff. This is a valid reason. My computers have been screwed up enough be innocent use by others. I.e. a child goes to a Disney website, downloads a tool for a game, and …ta da…a virus sneaks into my computer. True Story. Now, from my personal experience, I educate whoever uses my computer. I have not withheld passwords. Still, it’s been temping.

Finally, stuff he does not want her to see, like porn. I’ve battled with porn addiction (yes, I believe it is an addiction. Whether or not it is an addiction, is not a topic for this thread). I know firsthand that there are ways to hide stuff on a computer; thus, negating the whole password issue. So, chances are, porn is not an issue…unless he is not computer savvy or she is very computer savvy.

Just my thoughts.
 
my take on this?

**run. run fast. run hard. run away. **

this guy sounds like the mayor of Denmark.
 
the computer my DH uses for work is highly protected because it has access to the clients’ systems, of course I cannot get into it either on purpose or accidentally, nor could kids if they were around. the family computer should be separate system if he has work related stuff that is sensitive, and no his wife should not have access to his work computer.

the red flag is 2 previous marriages which is a deal breaker unless and until you know why those marriages failed and have proof that he has successfully dealt with those problems, and of course has annulments.
 
She says his first marriage was annuled and the second is in progress, filed by his ex…

and he told her that the reason is because he does do high level work…(which he does).

Sorry, I should add that she didn’t ask for the passwords, it came up during a conversation they had where she told him she’d have no problem telling him hers and that she wanted him to know she had nothing to hide.
 
Two annulments? So… either HE is the reason for both, because there is some huge lack on his part (and his ex filed, because…?) or he has a history of choosing very unsuitable women? (In which case, your friend should do a serious self examination.)

Red lights.

This man seems to have a serious issue with the permanence of marriage, or a serious lack of judgment when choosing spouses.

She shouldn’t be dating him if he does not have a decree of nullity in hand. What if it was denied? He is still a married man in the eyes of the Church without one.
 
Here is what I know:

First marriage was over 25 years ago. HE filed anullment due to her infidelity. Proven and Granted.

Second marriage - he recieved the papers that she’d filed the day before he was to meet with a priest about HIM filing. Ex told him she’d have kids with him (already had two of her own)during three years they dated, then after marriage told him she wouldn’t. Tried Retrovaille, priest counseling. Married ten years but she wouldn’t change her mind, so he divorced her. Don’t know what she’s claiming, but he was going to file based on that.
 
funnyyetsavvy said:
Here is what I know:

First marriage was over 25 years ago. HE filed anullment due to her infidelity. Proven and Granted.

Second marriage - he recieved the papers that she’d filed the day before he was to meet with a priest about HIM filing. Ex told him she’d have kids with him (already had two of her own)during three years they dated, then after marriage told him she wouldn’t. Tried Retrovaille, priest counseling. Married ten years but she wouldn’t change her mind, so he divorced her. Don’t know what she’s claiming, but he was going to file based on that.
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Something is fishy -

First, infidelity after the wedding does not make a marriage null. If he rec’d a decree of nullity, it was for a specific reason - she should ask to see his copy of the decree to know the reason.

With regard to the second, unless his second marriage has been found to be null, he is not free to date.

She needs to cool things with this guy.
 
funnyyetsavvy said:
and he told her that the reason is because he does do high level work…(which he does).

Sorry, I should add that she didn’t ask for the passwords, it came up during a conversation they had where she told him she’d have no problem telling him hers and that she wanted him to know she had nothing to hide.
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Ok. I feel better regarding my points. He has redeemed himself. He also has a valid reason to not want to share his password. I’m now seeing a mole hill where a mountain existed before.
funnyyetsavvy said:
Here is what I know:

First marriage was over 25 years ago. HE filed anullment due to her infidelity. Proven and Granted.

Second marriage - he recieved the papers that she’d filed the day before he was to meet with a priest about HIM filing. Ex told him she’d have kids with him (already had two of her own)during three years they dated, then after marriage told him she wouldn’t. Tried Retrovaille, priest counseling. Married ten years but she wouldn’t change her mind, so he divorced her. Don’t know what she’s claiming, but he was going to file based on that.
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Hmmm. Ok. The mole hill is still pretty big. I do feel bad for the guy now. He’s longing for children and he was tricked into marriage. That is a good reason for an annulment. Still, TWO annulments. I didn’t think it was possible. So…who has bad judgment?

Ok. and I see that they’ve been dating while he is still married. They need to stop. He needs to complete the process BEFORE they date. It is as straight forward as can be. If I was a priest, and I’m not, I would question his reason for annulment since he is seeing another woman.

What about the time issue? Does he really have time for her if he’s on the computer all of the time?

Conclusion: guy seems ok to me now, but they are both in a state of mortal sin. Please tell her to go to her confessor and discuss the situation with him. It is a matter of their eternal souls.
 
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