What's your take on this?

[funnyyetsavvy]

Ok. I feel better regarding my points. He has redeemed himself. He also has a valid reason to not want to share his password. I’m now seeing a mole hill where a mountain existed before.

Hmmm. Ok. The mole hill is still pretty big. I do feel bad for the guy now. He’s longing for children and he was tricked into marriage. That is a good reason for an annulment. Still, TWO annulments. I didn’t think it was possible. So…who has bad judgment?

Ok. and I see that they’ve been dating while he is still married. They need to stop. He needs to complete the process BEFORE they date. It is as straight forward as can be. If I was a priest, and I’m not, I would question his reason for annulment since he is seeing another woman.

What about the time issue? Does he really have time for her if he’s on the computer all of the time?

Conclusion: guy seems ok to me now, but they are both in a state of mortal sin. Please tell her to go to her confessor and discuss the situation with him. It is a matter of their eternal souls.

Thank you for this…that’s kind of what I’m thinking. He does do high level work for a government agency so I do get that part I guess.

He did tell her about needing to get the annulment and they did back things off after that. It’s just that she is discerning marrying him. The priest has been very supportive to both of them, but of course they are not engaged.

You are right, he absolutely wants children. The second marriage was devastating to him.

As far as the time issue, apparently this is a busy period in the year for his type of work, and it will subside…

I know that MY negative past experiences might color my thought process on this so that’s why I’m running it by the CAF:thumbsup:

 

[whatevergirl]

She says his first marriage was annuled and the second is in progress, filed by his ex…

and he told her that the reason is because he does do high level work…(which he does).

Sorry, I should add that she didn’t ask for the passwords, it came up during a conversation they had where she told him she’d have no problem telling him hers and that she wanted him to know she had nothing to hide.

So…until the annulment is finalized, then he is not in a place yet, to be dating, or discerning marrying yet another woman.

Is your coworker a devout Catholic?

 

[whatevergirl]

Thank you for this…that’s kind of what I’m thinking. He does do high level work for a government agency so I do get that part I guess.

He did tell her about needing to get the annulment and they did back things off after that. It’s just that she is discerning marrying him. The priest has been very supportive to both of them, but of course they are not engaged.

You are right, he absolutely wants children. The second marriage was devastating to him.

As far as the time issue, apparently this is a busy period in the year for his type of work, and it will subside…

I know that MY negative past experiences might color my thought process on this so that’s why I’m running it by the CAF:thumbsup:

Well, she only knows what he wants her to know. I think that dating nowadays should be like a job interview, complete with resume and references!

You would think by the way I talk here, that I have been burned a number of times, but I haven’t been. I have been married to the same man for 17 years–but I think I became a bit untrusting when my sister dated a married man, and I would hear some bizarre stories. I think that women AND men need to really get a true sense of who they are marrying…and not just go with feelings of love, etc…

It’s not up to me or any of us to decide the future for someone we don’t know of course, but I think about my daughter, and what advice would I be giving her…I wouldn’t want her to date someone who was in the process of having his second marriage annuled. If the first marriage was annuled–wouldn’t this be a first and only ‘marriage’ then?

 

[KenEOTE]

Something doesn’t seem right to me about it.

I could understand if he is working with sensitive material, but if he is he should jsut say so. Athough I doubt that he would have such material on a home computer.

The fact that he has been married twice before is an indicator that she should really look into futher, especially with the secretiveness.

All just say it, the internet is full of things that a man can get trapped in and may not want other to know about. If he is addicted to pornography he may not want her to know or stumble across. If he is having issues with this he needs guidance and help. He needs to get involved with a therapist who specializes in this. It is just like being addicted to drugs or alcohol. He needs to admit he has an issue.

He may not though. She should ask why his computer use is so sensitive, if he can’t tell her that then there is something more going on.

 

[funnyyetsavvy]

Well, at one point he told her his company was going to allow them to telecommute, so he was trying to get set up for that…

I have a question tho, that someone made me think about…they said that two anullments would be an issue…

Would the Tribunal even know there was a first anulment if he wasnt the one that filed for the second marriage? Or do they just know that because he’s Catholic and they have records?

I have no idea how that goes…

 

[whatevergirl]

Well, at one point he told her his company was going to allow them to telecommute, so he was trying to get set up for that…

I have a question tho, that someone made me think about…they said that two anullments would be an issue…

Would the Tribunal even know there was a first anulment if he wasnt the one that filed for the second marriage? Or do they just know that because he’s Catholic and they have records?

I have no idea how that goes…

what does your friend/coworker think about his explanations? Does she have reservations, at all? I think that it would be a lot for someone to take in–who has not been married–to date someone who has been through a lot with relationships. I am not sure how close you are with her, or if you feel comfortable with giving her advice, but I think that she is in over her head with this man, personally. I also think he needs to get some counseling, himself…on his own, to heal from these relationships. To keep going from marriage to marriage to relationship–one needs time to heal, before becoming a productive spouse to someone else. That would be my suggestion–if you feel comfortable sharing advice, and she is asking for it. Just a friend to a friend, in concern for her–think that would be good advice. I don’t think man is ready for another relationship, until he fully heals over these other two–these weren’t just relationships either, he took vows with two other women…so, there’s a lot there.

Also–he needs to have his second marriage/annulment resolved…

 

[chevalier]

My coworker is dating a Catholic man that she believes she’s in love with. He seems very nice, but she’s wrestling with one thing. He is on his computer a lot and told her that even if they were married he wouldn’t tell her the password. His reasoning is that she or the potential kids might do something that messed it up.

Two things:

1. Without any actual conclusions, it does look a bit like he’s a little bit paranoid.
2. How did it come up?

While I would have no problem with my hypothetical wife knowing my passwords, I would be worried if she actually asked for them. My computer is not password-protected and neither is my user profile, but my understanding is that no one who gets to use my computer will be browsing my private files. I understand that spending a lot of time alone on a password-protected computer is not very conducive to family atmosphere. As a rule, I believe it would be better to know each other’s computer password, but also to respect privacy. On a single computer, it wouldn’t be necessary to know each other’s user profile password, but at the same time asking the other person to look elsewhere when one’s typing the password would be extreme. In other words both parties should be neither overly protective nor overly prying. This is what common sense tells me.

She is concerned that this isn’t a good thing. He uses the computer for work sometimes, so in a WAY it’s understandable, but yet…

I should add they’ve been dating over a year and are thinking of marrying. He’s been married twice before.

I was thinking that this sounds a little like a red flag to me…

It does look like a red flag.

 

[funnyyetsavvy]

We’re best friends, so we talk a lot about things…

She feels very positive about him - he is very stable, very level-headed, responsible, spiritual…

There was a very long gap between marriage 1 and 2…I think over 20 years…and he dated he ex for three years before marriage. SO I don’t think he’s a flighty guy at all. I think this started as a friendship and they found that they were falling for each other, and that’s when this situation came about.

 

[JB2VI]

Let’s not “beat up” on the man. It seems that he is a loving individual who is willing to commit. Unfortunately, he committed to two devious women. Women can be awful and secretive too. If what we are being told is the truth, the first wife was unfaithful and the second outright lied. This man has my sympathy and prayers.

I agree that they should not rush into yet another marriage, especially since the second is still valid. But they should participate in pre-marriage classes before they get married (even if they ever do).

I’m not sure if the Church has national records, but I have to imagine that an application for annulment has a question about previous marriages; and I assume that he will be honest.

As a side note, it is possible to get an annulment due to unfaithfulness IF the unfaithful spouse never intended to enter into a monogamous marriage. Note, this is not the one night affair, but if the unfaithful spouse never believed the “one man, one woman” concept in the first place and refuses to abide by it.

 

[funnyyetsavvy]

Let’s not “beat up” on the man. It seems that he is a loving individual who is willing to commit. Unfortunately, he committed to two devious women. Women can be awful and secretive too. If what we are being told is the truth, the first wife was unfaithful and the second outright lied. This man has my sympathy and prayers.

As a side note, it is possible to get an annulment due to unfaithfulness IF the unfaithful spouse never intended to enter into a monogamous marriage. Note, this is not the one night affair, but if the unfaithful spouse never believed the “one man, one woman” concept in the first place and refuses to abide by it.

I agree - he is a very sweet, compassionate man! I just want the best for my friend (of course)…he’s been very up front about everything in his past and the password issue is the one thing I’ve had concern about.

Yes, when I heard about his second marriage I felt so sorry for him. To have been misled for three years when he’d been so clear how important children were to him - wow, how could a woman do that? She wasn’t a Catholic, but converted after they married, and I suspect the reason she would be the one who filed first is that SHE has now met someone and wants to be free to marry…