When Catholic Family "Remarries"

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Here is a suggesstion. Don’t say anything except for ‘I don’t know what to say’

Then if they push you for a response/reacton, put a bit of a ‘I want to be tactful here’ look on your face and be honest. ‘I realize this is important to you. I don’t judge but I am Catholic and must be true to myself. We obsiouly have different views on marriage and perhaps it would be best we talked about something else’

Yes they will be hurt, but that is not your problem

CM

 

[ThyKingdomCome]

Thanks all. Not that it makes a difference to the conversation, but I am male (for those posters referring to me in the feminine).

I expect at an upcoming family gathering, my wife and I will be pulled aside and my SIL with boyfriend will announce an engagement. I understand points made regarding fraternal correction, but it won’t change the impending announcement so I am preparing myself to handle that initial encounter. My wife and her family are likely to congratulate as they are also weak in their faith. I don’t want to congratulate, but still not sure what an appropriate response is. A hug and smile? Frown and walk away? At that particular moment, nothing seems clearly appropriate. WWJD?

Jesus would correct her. But then, he’s Jesus.

It is not WRONG to give a hug and a smile, and to avoid correcting her at that time. “Oh WOW!” in a happy tone of voice is another thing you can say to avoid correction. If I wasn’t blindsided and I was one on one, I would probably not be comfortable with either of those responses though. It would feel too dishonest for someone that I am close to. I would probably say, “Oh WOW!” and hug them, and then say, “did you ever get that annulment?” and then when they say they haven’t, say, “Oh I’m sorry. You know, it’s so important to do that. I don’t know if you’re familiar with the Church’s teachings about marriage, but remarriage without an annulment is a really serious thing. I’d really like to share some information on it with you, if that would be ok with you.”

One other thing you might need to think about is being consistent. Will you be attending the wedding? Do you have children who will be asked to be IN the wedding, or will you be asked to be in the wedding? If so, then it wouldn’t make sense for you to sound really excited about the engagement, and then refuse to participate in the wedding party. While the church does not necessarily restrict you from attending her wedding, you are forbidden from participating in it (ie. as a member of the wedding party), so depending on if they ask you - you may have no choice but to speak your views about the topic at some point.

 

[PatriceA]

One other thing you might need to think about is being consistent. Will you be attending the wedding? Do you have children who will be asked to be IN the wedding, or will you be asked to be in the wedding? If so, then it wouldn’t make sense for you to sound really excited about the engagement, and then refuse to participate in the wedding party. While the church does not necessarily restrict you from attending her wedding, you are forbidden from participating in it (ie. as a member of the wedding party), so depending on if they ask you - you may have no choice but to speak your views about the topic at some point.

This is why a Catholic can not just “butt out” of extended family weddings, marriages and divorces as previously suggested by a non-Catholic poster. The situation can directly affect you and your own immediate family. If it was me, given the details of this particular couple and situation, I wouldn’t be attending the upcoming wedding since an annulment has not been granted. But every Catholic has to discern that for themselves, and hopefully with the guidance of their priest.

I don’t know the initial proper response to give as when this situation has occurred in my own real life, the people involved knew my views about second marriages without annulments. I still told them I loved them though, just couldn’t be excited about their upcoming wedding. Whatever response you give, I think it would be best to have discussed this situation with your wife and both of you present a “united” response, you two need to agree on how to respond in the most charitable way without giving the impression you do not have reservations and concerns.

 

[DavidtheGnome]

Jesus would correct her. But then, he’s Jesus.

One other thing you might need to think about is being consistent. Will you be attending the wedding? Do you have children who will be asked to be IN the wedding, or will you be asked to be in the wedding? If so, then it wouldn’t make sense for you to sound really excited about the engagement, and then refuse to participate in the wedding party. While the church does not necessarily restrict you from attending her wedding, you are forbidden from participating in it (ie. as a member of the wedding party), so depending on if they ask you - you may have no choice but to speak your views about the topic at some point.

I read somewhere that even attendence would be discouraged? Can anyone provide a link to an authoritative teaching from the Church on this topic? Struggling with this question myself as a non-practicing Catholic friend of mine is most likely planning to marry outside the Church and without a dispensation. I am likely to be asked to be the best man.

 

[Mrs_Sally]

I read somewhere that even attendence would be discouraged? Can anyone provide a link to an authoritative teaching from the Church on this topic? Struggling with this question myself as a non-practicing Catholic friend of mine is most likely planning to marry outside the Church and without a dispensation. I am likely to be asked to be the best man.

The Apologists have answered this question a few times. Probably a quick searh would turn up their answers with an relevant documents. Being in the wedding - the best man - is a problem. Being at the wedding, not as much. Details about the situation do matter. For example, has your friend or finance been married before or not? A dispensation is much easier to get than anannulment (which may be a problem right there). Suggest he talk to his priest.

To the OP, a public announcment is not the time to scold someone. Can you pre-empt the announcment though? At least to talk to sil about getting an annulement since you know she’s dating. You don’t have to say anything about suspecting she’s engaged.

Other posters were right on the mark to say you and your wife should discuss this now and be on the same page about being in the wedding, attending at all, etc.

I think the first reaction should be “oh what a suprise”. Then once the general excitiment has died down, ask sil over for coffee with you two and discuss annulments then. Be ready with information about how the process works. Remind your sil that there will be hurdles to overcome when she wants her babies baptized etc.

If your wife does not agree on the importance of this, you have a more immediate issue that you need to overcome! Pray for her and her family.