When dating how frequent should communication be?

[Sierrah]

I’ve been dating this guy for few months. As time goes by the frequency of communication has been slowing up. We used to speak or at least text each other every day and now he hasn’t called me for a few days which is really weird because he was always really good about calling me. The slowing down has been going on for a few weeks and I’m wondering if he’s just loosing interest. I sent him a text yesterday about some good news I got and didn’t receive a response yet. I wasn’t expecting anything but maybe a text back saying that was great. My gut is telling me something is wrong. I’m trying not to be clingy here. I’m not by nature but when people divert from their habits it always unsettles me. He did say at the begining of the week he would be busy but he didn’t say when we might get together again. I know he has a lot going on these days but still it takes 2 minutes to send a text. Do you think I’m expecting too much??

I must add my dating experience has been limited and my relationships prior to this were not that great…guys turned abusive or just left. So maybe I’m overreacting. But I just like to know where I stand. How could I ask him if he wants to cool things off or if he’s just busy. I don’t want to seem clingy. If he’s rethinking things I’d rather just know.

 

[LaLucia]

I think he met somebody else. I think he is a jerk for not letting you know about it.

I think when his relationship is over with the other gal he might start calling you again.

Do you e-mail eachother? Then write him a good-by e-mail. I think he has moved on.

I wish people would learn how to say it is over and just say they met somebody else or is nolonger interested in you.

My advise is to move on in your life and let go of this person. The friendship is over.
Sorry… but now you are free to meet someone nicer. He wasn’t for you if he didn’t have the decency to let you know that it is over.
If you take him back… you will be sorry because he will know that you will take his abuse of talking to you when he wants to and also leave you in the dust when he wants to do that to you. He will know that you have low self esteem if you take him back and he will take advantage of you knowing that you will always be there waiting for him.

My advise… dump him. There is no reason and no excuse for him not to send you a message. Even if he is in a hospital or in a foreign country… he could always have a friend contact you.

 

[Bella85]

Hi Sierrah,

I don’t think you are asking too much at all. I do think that most guys have times when they begin to feel scared and smothered, especially if they’ve been spending a lot of time with a girl and they feel a need to “pull away” for a while. Sometimes this is because they lose interest, sometimes this is temporary and after they realize that they haven’t ‘lost themselves’ in the relationship they come back just like nothing ever happened. My advice would be not to contact him and let him contact you. I’d also advise you to read Men are From Mars, Women are from Venus - I disagree with some of the things in this book, but I think much of it is very true about the differences in male and female perspective. Read the chapter on “men are like rubber bands” - it would be helpful to you in this situation and in the future.

Forget about it for now, go about your business, and let him contact you - if he does, great, if not - you’d rather not be with someone who can live without you. Right?

Blessings,
Bella

 

[Sierrah]

I’ve heard guys also tend to pull away a bit at a certain stage in the relationship. I’ve only been in bad ones so I don’t have the experience to know if that is true. He’s always treated me with respect before but has been a little slow at revealing details of his past. I know he went through a painfull divorce and I’m wondering if he’s just not really ready for a relationship. I hate to think ill of him he’s always seemed so straight forward.

 

[Sierrah]

Hi Sierrah,

I don’t think you are asking too much at all. I do think that most guys have times when they begin to feel scared and smothered, especially if they’ve been spending a lot of time with a girl and they feel a need to “pull away” for a while. Sometimes this is because they lose interest, sometimes this is temporary and after they realize that they haven’t ‘lost themselves’ in the relationship they come back just like nothing ever happened. My advice would be not to contact him and let him contact you. I’d also advise you to read Men are From Mars, Women are from Venus - I disagree with some of the things in this book, but I think much of it is very true about the differences in male and female perspective. Read the chapter on “men are like rubber bands” - it would be helpful to you in this situation and in the future.

Forget about it for now, go about your business, and let him contact you - if he does, great, if not - you’d rather not be with someone who can live without you. Right?

Blessings,
Bella

I have read that book but thanks for the referral. My inexperience is just causing me a little anxiety. The experience I really have with guys is only users. I never put up with it so most of my relationships have been short. I can’t stand the possessive jealous behavior or controlling behavior and for whatever reason that seems to be all I’ve attracted in the past no matter how confident and happy I am they seem to find me. I didn’t think he was like that at all.

 

[1ke]

I think there are too many unknowns here. First:

(1) What are your ages? Are you/he in school or the workforce? At home with parents or on your own?

(2) What do you mean by “dating.” Going out every week, once or more? Going out occasionally? Going out exclusively or “dating around?”

(3) Is he a practicing Catholic? Is he committed to chastity and the idea that dating is for the purpose of discerning a future together? Or is his idea of dating just “something to do?”

There is no standard of how frequently to communicate when dating. It is the level that suits the couple. It is based on the mutual expectations of the relationship and where the relationship is heading.

If you are afraid someone will think you are “clingy” for wanting to spend time with them, you need an attitude adjustment. Your expectations are reasonable for a dating relationship leading to a future, one in which the participants are genuine and not game players. If his needs are at odds with your needs, it is not that you are clingy it is that he is unsuitable for you.

 

[Joe_5859]

I think Bella gave you some sound advice.

To offer you something from the male perspective, there really are a lot of guys whose strategy when it comes to breaking up is to “ignore it and hope it goes away.” I have (unfortunately) known some of these guys who actually believed they were doing a good thing by suddenly and inexplicably pulling back and hoping the girl took the hint. One guy told me it was mean for the guy to break things off, so ignoring the girl and being distant and apathetic was his way of gracefully allowing her to break things off instead! :doh2:

Not that this is necessarily what your beau is doing. But it does happen.

From my experience, as a relationship progresses, you should want to spend more time with the other person, not less. When things move in the other direction, it’s not a good sign. (Of course, sometimes there can be circumstances which require this, such as a big project at work or midterms, but those are passing things.)

That you texted him with good news and he didn’t respond doesn’t seem like a good thing either. A good man should be excited about the good things that happen to you and would want to, at the very least, text back and say “That’s awesome!” (or whatever shorthand you texters use ). That would take all of 30 seconds. He can’t possibly be that busy.

The generic “I’m busy this week” coupled with the non-committment on your next future meeting also does not seem like a good sign. To me, that seems like he is trying to blow you off.

I hate to be all doom-and-gloom. I don’t know you or your boyfriend except for what you posted. But it doesn’t seem like things are headed in the right direction.

Bella’s advice (“Forget about it for now, go about your business, and let him contact you - if he does, great, if not - you’d rather not be with someone who can live without you. Right?”) is, I think, the best approach for how to handle it.

 

[1ke]

To add to what Joe said…

It’s not wrong to state your needs and expectations, and just generally ask what the deal is, if/when he calls or you two get together again. He’ll either tell you, or evade you. Either way, you have your answer.

But, I definitely agree with going about your business. Men spend time and money on the things they WANT to spend time and money on. If he’s not calling, coming around, texting, etc, then that is all you need to know. Don’t keep trying to initiate something with little texts, calls, etc.

 

[kage_ar]

Why don’t you just call him? I cannot undestand carrying on a relationship via text.

 

[dulcissima]

Why don’t you just call him? I cannot undestand carrying on a relationship via text.

I agree. If you are feeling uncomfortable with anything, just call him. That way you will know where his head is at.

 

[iluvmybabies]

Hi Sierrah! Dating is a difficult thing, I have been dating this man for so long it’s crazy!! LOL We are engaged and I can’t wait to be his wife but it’s a long process you know?! The whole dating thing! It gets confusing at times and can be frustrating! Esp with young men becoming men and finding out one thing wasn’t really what they wanted or thought?! I am grateful that my almost 30 year old fiance is really hard on his decisions, once he makes up his mind there is no turning back! LOL And he established I was the one for him and now he is not turning back!!! hehehe cross fingers doesn’t change mind! lol jkjkjk

I want to tell you that my fiance and I were inseperable…We started as friends, once in a while talking, and one thing led to another…But even though we txt and write and email and all there were plenty of moments for each other’s independence! I go out with my kids and friends, he goes out with his as well! He doesn’t go out to bars or strip clubs or anything like that, and if he does go out to a bar he sticks with his boys like glue most of htem are married, and now he’s engaged so they are there to talk their manly talk enjoy a few drinks and then they go home! He’s taken me once or twice and they have taken their wives as well and it’s fun, to see them all having a great time and we got to enjoy ourselves in adult conversations for a few hours without talking about kids and kids stuff and cartoons! LOL

Anyhow, so be independent…show him “fine you want space, I’ll give it to you!” Young guys don’t like their egos tested! And believe me, a young guy at work just became engaged he’s like 20 or something, and oh does he hate it when his friends tell him “what the ball and chain holding you back buddy?” He like flips out and then tells his fiance things like “I’m not coming home till later k!” It’s like aha?! LOL Men!!! My fiance makes fun of his married friends, esp when they tell him -hey man I can’t see you this weekend at all for card games or to catch up my wife says I spend too much time with you and wants me to stay home!" He just tells me things like “can you believe this guy and his wife he hasn’t seen me in 2 months and he spends too much time with me?! What in the world!?” I think it’s kind of funny because Iike my private time, my friend time, family and kids time as well as my adult time…And I have told him when we are married I will not change whom I am just because of him…I like my independence of course I will definitely be as most dedicated wife as possible, but my friends time still will kick in you know?! And I know he enjoys his boys night out once in a while and I don’t have a problem with it!

So yeah maybe that’s just what he’s doing…If by the end of the week he hasn’t sent you anything, then text him back saying “hey so and so how you doing today?! Hope your day is going great! Well I have plans with my friends this weekend but if you want to talk or catch up or see each other let me know k ttyl!”

Keep things short and sweet, and make plans go out and let him know though that you would be there for him if he wanted your attention and affections, you know!?

Don’t feel bad, and don’t give up! He might just be doing what most guys I know are doing, wanting to be independent MEN! Good luck, keep us updated and KIT! GOD bless…

 

[Sierrah]

I think Bella gave you some sound advice.

To offer you something from the male perspective, there really are a lot of guys whose strategy when it comes to breaking up is to “ignore it and hope it goes away.” I have (unfortunately) known some of these guys who actually believed they were doing a good thing by suddenly and inexplicably pulling back and hoping the girl took the hint. One guy told me it was mean for the guy to break things off, so ignoring the girl and being distant and apathetic was his way of gracefully allowing her to break things off instead! :doh2:

Not that this is necessarily what your beau is doing. But it does happen.

From my experience, as a relationship progresses, you should want to spend more time with the other person, not less. When things move in the other direction, it’s not a good sign. (Of course, sometimes there can be circumstances which require this, such as a big project at work or midterms, but those are passing things.)

That you texted him with good news and he didn’t respond doesn’t seem like a good thing either. A good man should be excited about the good things that happen to you and would want to, at the very least, text back and say “That’s awesome!” (or whatever shorthand you texters use ). That would take all of 30 seconds. He can’t possibly be that busy.

The generic “I’m busy this week” coupled with the non-committment on your next future meeting also does not seem like a good sign. To me, that seems like he is trying to blow you off.

I hate to be all doom-and-gloom. I don’t know you or your boyfriend except for what you posted. But it doesn’t seem like things are headed in the right direction.

Bella’s advice (“Forget about it for now, go about your business, and let him contact you - if he does, great, if not - you’d rather not be with someone who can live without you. Right?”) is, I think, the best approach for how to handle it.

I guess that’s what bothers me the most the fact that he didn’t respond to my good news at all. He would usually call to let me know we couldn’t get together on a certain night too. I just feel like he’s left me hanging sort of. The last time I saw him he seemed the same except at the last minute there was a sort of look on his face that was weird. I’m just so bored with going through this with guys I think this might be my last relationship. If I do more of this sort of thing I’m really going to start hating men.

I’ll wait and see if he calls me over the next few days. If not I’ll send him an email explaining how I feel and how he should be more honest with the next girl if something isn’t right for him. I know some would say that’s not a good thing to do but maybe if he’s so clueless as to not know how the games can hurt someone and if I let him know he’ll be kinder to the next girl he ditches.

 

[Liberanosamalo]

I don’t think she’d get a straight answer. This person sounds like the kind who is both inconsiderate and doesn’t like confrontation.

And he’s not honest. If something new came up, he should have told her. If he was happy with her new news, he should have let her know. The only excuse is if he’s in the hospital in a coma…

The other posters are right. Men spend time and money where they’re interested.

Growing affection ends up with increasing communication. When they’re really into you, they text you several times a day. Saying hi. Making arrangements to see you.

There are users who play head games by decreasing time and contact. The relationship is all on their terms.

What you do now: Erase his phone number from your cell. If it ever appears again it should be because he called you to apologize for his rudeness.

I see some red lights in the fact you say he’s been married before and he’s been slow to give you details of his life. Dating a few months and having daily contact… he should have opened up more to you by now. When they’re too close-mouthed and don’t share that sometimes is an indication of a problem too.

People can be controlling by withholding communication too. It’s just the flip side of the same coin where they stalk you and are in your face. He may have found someone else and is testing those waters and comparing. Even if you won that contest and he came back to you, is that a contest you want to have won? Is he a prize you want to have won.

Look upon this relationship as a chance to learn more about yourself and what you deserve. No, it’s not being clingy to expect a grown man to deal with you like an adult.

Quit making excuses for him. He’s not clueless. He went through a marriage and divorce. He’s not new on this merry-go-round. Trust your instincts. That look he gave you… a change in behavior… it did mean something.

Don’t give up. Right at the time you’re developing good tools and instincts? You’re just getting going! Soon you’ll be able to tell which ones to walk right by and not even say hi.

 

[Sierrah]

Why don’t you just call him? I cannot undestand carrying on a relationship via text.

I really old fashioned and never call a guy unless there’s a mutual agreement on a serious exclusive relationship.

 

[jmcrae]

I guess that’s what bothers me the most the fact that he didn’t respond to my good news at all. He would usually call to let me know we couldn’t get together on a certain night too. I just feel like he’s left me hanging sort of. The last time I saw him he seemed the same except at the last minute there was a sort of look on his face that was weird. I’m just so bored with going through this with guys I think this might be my last relationship. If I do more of this sort of thing I’m really going to start hating men.

I’ll wait and see if he calls me over the next few days. If not I’ll send him an email explaining how I feel and how he should be more honest with the next girl if something isn’t right for him. I know some would say that’s not a good thing to do but maybe if he’s so clueless as to not know how the games can hurt someone and if I let him know he’ll be kinder to the next girl he ditches.

In a case like this, I wouldn’t be too wordy. Just a short message - “Hey, it seems like you’re avoiding me - are we still together?”

If he responds in shock, you can just say, “Well, you know - it’s hard for a girl to tell, these days.”

But if he’s been previously married, you don’t need him anyway. Never be anyone’s second wife - that’s just a foretaste of Hell.

 

[Sierrah]

Thanks for all your opinions. I won’t do anything rash and I’ll try not to jump to any conclusions but if he does call I’ll have a few questions for him. I don’t want to smother a guy I just want to know where I stand. I’ve got some other issues going on too right now and this added to all of those is just stressing me out. I’ve always thought he was being honest and straight up with me and it just pains me to think that may not be the case. I’ll wait and see and live my life in the meantime. If it is meant to be it will be I guess.

 

[CAmeliaD]

It doesn’t sound like this guy is very committed to you. I would expect frequent and consistent communication at this point…and if you don’t feel comfortable calling him yourself then I would assume its not very serious and doesn’t have much potential anyway. If you’ve been dating for months and still don’t feel comfortable calling him, you haven’t made much progress past the first two weeks of getting to know each other. Find someone who will pay attention to you and make time to communicate with you! This relationship doesn’t seem worth working for.

 

[CopyKat]

I’m sorry you are having to deal with this!

I mean, I know (some) guys are really clueless as to how much a simple text or quick call to check-in can make us girls feel relieved and cared for, this type of thing seems pretty basic to me. Of course some men honestly might not understand that a few days without contact is a no-no, it sounds like your honey knows better.

Just think back to when you first got together. Did he ever have busy weeks then? Did he still manage a text or call? If so, it’s because it was a priority to him. If that has changed, then you deserve to know that information.

Sounds like he wants you to get the hint without him having to man-up and tell you how he feels. Ugh. Frustrating, I know !!

 

[Sierrah]

It doesn’t sound like this guy is very committed to you. I would expect frequent and consistent communication at this point…and if you don’t feel comfortable calling him yourself then I would assume its not very serious and doesn’t have much potential anyway. If you’ve been dating for months and still don’t feel comfortable calling him, you haven’t made much progress past the first two weeks of getting to know each other. Find someone who will pay attention to you and make time to communicate with you! This relationship doesn’t seem worth working for.

I have called him but he usually calls me and I’ve texted him a few times so I feel like I’m putting in all the effort at this point.

 

[Sierrah]

I’m sorry you are having to deal with this!

I mean, I know (some) guys are really clueless as to how much a simple text or quick call to check-in can make us girls feel relieved and cared for, this type of thing seems pretty basic to me. Of course some men honestly might not understand that a few days without contact is a no-no, it sounds like your honey knows better.

Just think back to when you first got together. Did he ever have busy weeks then? Did he still manage a text or call? If so, it’s because it was a priority to him. If that has changed, then you deserve to know that information.

Sounds like he wants you to get the hint without him having to man-up and tell you how he feels. Ugh. Frustrating, I know !!

Well I know I don’t want a guy who can’t be completely honest with me. I’ve broken up with a few guys and I was honest and told them. I’ve never kept someone hanging.