When do you allow your children to court/date?

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James_2_24

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When do you allow your children to court/date? Since we are to raise our kids in the faith, courting/dating should be taken very seriously. In most cases, a child is more influenced by the person they are dating over their own parents whether we like it or not. Which is why we should wish our children to date people whom we would know to be good influences.

If they end up marrying a non-Catholic person they MAY risk losing their faith if the other person can lead them that way.
 
alone on a date? seriously this is what my offsprings have been told - when they can afford to pay for their own four walls, roof, bed, toilet, food, etc.
They understand. It works. You simply need to spell it out. You are a parent. You should know how it goes. Communicate.
 
I didn’t start dating until I was 21. I didn’t really want to date before that because I wanted to be free and do my own thing. The thought of being tied down to a boyfriend was not appealing. I got my first serious boyfriend at 22 and now we are planning on getting engaged very soon. If they aren’t ready to consider marriage, then they shouldn’t waste their time dating. That’s what dating is for.
 
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StratusRose:
I didn’t start dating until I was 21. I didn’t really want to date before that because I wanted to be free and do my own thing. The thought of being tied down to a boyfriend was not appealing. I got my first serious boyfriend at 22 and now we are planning on getting engaged very soon. If they aren’t ready to consider marriage, then they shouldn’t waste their time dating. That’s what dating is for.
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👍 That’s good. So you are possibly marrying your first and only boyfriend! 😃
 
James_2:24 said:
👍 That’s good. So you are possibly marrying your first and only boyfriend! 😃
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Yep!

Some of my friends don’t think it’s good. They say I should date other people. Why should I when I landed a good one already? One said, how do you know that he’ll be good in bed? And I said “I don’t need to know, and I won’t know the difference anyway, besides I don’t want to marry a man based on how good he is in bed.”
 
James_2:24:
When do you allow your children to court/date? Since we are to raise our kids in the faith, courting/dating should be taken very seriously. In most cases, a child is more influenced by the person they are dating over their own parents whether we like it or not. Which is why we should wish our children to date people whom we would know to be good influences.

If they end up marrying a non-Catholic person they MAY risk losing their faith if the other person can lead them that way.
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I have three sons who are 15, 16, and 18 years old. Thus far, no one has been on a date. I dated at 15 years old. Looking back, I was entirely too young. If I have my way, none of them will date until they are on their own, earning a decent living, and can afford to take care of a family. What is the purpose of dating if not to find a future spouse? A minor shouldn’t be looking for a spouse and an adult (if you can call an 18 year old an adult) who is still in school and living at home, has not the means of supporting a family and thus should not be looking to do so. Age is only one factor; means (financial and otherwise) is another factor that should play into the equation.
 
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StratusRose:
Yep!

Some of my friends don’t think it’s good. They say I should date other people. Why should I when I landed a good one already? One said, how do you know that he’ll be good in bed? And I said “I don’t need to know, and I won’t know the difference anyway, besides I don’t want to marry a man based on how good he is in bed.”
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I totally agree with this. In less than two weeks I am getting married to the only woman I ever dated seriously. Some people think there’s something wrong with that, like I need to date around to figure out what I like, and stuff like that. Others have said things like “never marry someone without sleeping with them first” or “never marry someone you haven’t seen naked”. I say baloney. I think if you find the right person on the first try, then great, go ahead and get married. And my vision is that husband and wife learn how to be intimate and sexual together - it’s not good to go into this with previous experience or expectations from previous relationships about what sex “should be”. And for that matter, it’s not helpful to have lots of baggage from previous serious relationships where there was a great deal of emotional (if not physical) intimacy. I think in recent years we have seen a multiplication of “ex-boyfriends” and “ex-girlfriends”, which mirrors the trend of increasing divorce, with multiple ex-wives or ex-husbands.

So it seems to me that you only date if you are ready to commit to marriage. Note that a lot of teenagers aren’t ready to do that. Some are. But by and large, they lack the maturity to recognize the qualities of a good spouse, and are perhaps more likely to be drawn to things like good looks, having fun together, etc. which are fine things but not the main thing to look for. Also I think it’s easier for teenagers who are chasing after superficial qualities to fall into abusive relationships without recognizing it or knowing how to get out of it.

The other thing that happens is that teenagers go through enormous changes as they graduate from high school, maybe go to college, get a job, and become independent adults. If you’re seriously dating someone. Honestly, my personal sense is that it’s best to put off any serious dating until early 20s or even later. That’s how long it may take for kids these days to figure out who they are and what’s really important to them. You can’t figure out who to spend the rest of your life with unless you really know who you are. A lot of teenagers lack that self-knowledge.

Note that putting off dating for a while may also allow some space to hear if maybe God is calling you to some vocation other than the married life.
 
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Tietjen:
I have three sons who are 15, 16, and 18 years old. Thus far, no one has been on a date. I dated at 15 years old. Looking back, I was entirely too young. If I have my way, none of them will date until they are on their own, earning a decent living, and can afford to take care of a family. What is the purpose of dating if not to find a future spouse? A minor shouldn’t be looking for a spouse and an adult (if you can call an 18 year old an adult) who is still in school and living at home, has not the means of supporting a family and thus should not be looking to do so. Age is only one factor; means (financial and otherwise) is another factor that should play into the equation.
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I was 16… too young. This isn’t to say I wouldn’t let our kids socialize with the opposite sex until they were ready to marry, but any regular socializing that’s truly one-on-one is perhaps best left until marriage is at least a foreseeable prospect.
 
Our sons starting dating at 18 but only in groups, and that was their choice not a rule we set. When one of my sons decided to go steady, that lasted 3 weeks, his decision because he didn’t like the committment part at all. He said, he wasn’t ready for that at all.
 
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stbruno:
Our sons starting dating at 18 but only in groups, and that was their choice not a rule we set. When one of my sons decided to go steady, that lasted 3 weeks, his decision because he didn’t like the committment part at all. He said, he wasn’t ready for that at all.
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Eighteen and he understands what a commitment is. Mazel tov!
 
We haven’t made any firm plans as to when will be the right age. Our oldest son (11-1/2) has no interest in girls, and has maintained for the past six years that he will never marry (it’s one of the things that makes me think he may have a vocation to the priesthood). For the others, much will depend on how they develop and who they’d be thinking of dating. (My parents married and had me 9-1/2 mo after the wedding–my dad was 22 and my mom was 19-1/2 when I was born. OTOH, I didn’t even meet the man I ended up marrying until I was 23.)
 
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StratusRose:
Yep!

Some of my friends don’t think it’s good. They say I should date other people. Why should I when I landed a good one already? One said, how do you know that he’ll be good in bed? And I said “I don’t need to know, and I won’t know the difference anyway, besides I don’t want to marry a man based on how good he is in bed.”
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I say this with no malicious intent. But are these people truly “friends” with such advice? Are they Catholic :eek: ?

Stay the course, you are on the right path and you know you won’t regret it. God Bless you.
 
Bobby Jim:
I totally agree with this. In less than two weeks I am getting married to the only woman I ever dated seriously. Some people think there’s something wrong with that, like I need to date around to figure out what I like, and stuff like that. Others have said things like “never marry someone without sleeping with them first” or “never marry someone you haven’t seen naked”. I say baloney. I think if you find the right person on the first try, then great, go ahead and get married. And my vision is that husband and wife learn how to be intimate and sexual together - it’s not good to go into this with previous experience or expectations from previous relationships about what sex “should be”. And for that matter, it’s not helpful to have lots of baggage from previous serious relationships where there was a great deal of emotional (if not physical) intimacy. I think in recent years we have seen a multiplication of “ex-boyfriends” and “ex-girlfriends”, which mirrors the trend of increasing divorce, with multiple ex-wives or ex-husbands.

So it seems to me that you only date if you are ready to commit to marriage. Note that a lot of teenagers aren’t ready to do that. Some are. But by and large, they lack the maturity to recognize the qualities of a good spouse, and are perhaps more likely to be drawn to things like good looks, having fun together, etc. which are fine things but not the main thing to look for. Also I think it’s easier for teenagers who are chasing after superficial qualities to fall into abusive relationships without recognizing it or knowing how to get out of it.

The other thing that happens is that teenagers go through enormous changes as they graduate from high school, maybe go to college, get a job, and become independent adults. If you’re seriously dating someone. Honestly, my personal sense is that it’s best to put off any serious dating until early 20s or even later. That’s how long it may take for kids these days to figure out who they are and what’s really important to them. You can’t figure out who to spend the rest of your life with unless you really know who you are. A lot of teenagers lack that self-knowledge.

Note that putting off dating for a while may also allow some space to hear if maybe God is calling you to some vocation other than the married life.
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As I asked StratusRose: are these people who give you this advice “friends”? And do they consider themselves, “Catholic” ?

What kind of reasoning is that? How do they defend their position?

I agree with your position on dating, I believe it is the position that is compatible with Christ and the Church. Congratulations on your upcoming weddinng!
 
James_2:24:
I say this with no malicious intent. But are these people truly “friends” with such advice? Are they Catholic :eek: ?

Stay the course, you are on the right path and you know you won’t regret it. God Bless you.
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The one who asked is Catholic, but a fallen away one. She means well, but she just doesn’t get it. Since I converted to the faith she and I have grown apart. Also, I think she regrets throwing away her virginity and wants me to be on the same level as her. She is my best friend and it’s been tough to stand by her in these past 2 years, but I’m not giving up on her. She has been a very loyal friend to me.
 
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StratusRose:
The one who asked is Catholic, but a fallen away one. She means well, but she just doesn’t get it. Since I converted to the faith she and I have grown apart. Also, I think she regrets throwing away her virginity and wants me to be on the same level as her. She is my best friend and it’s been tough to stand by her in these past 2 years, but I’m not giving up on her. She has been a very loyal friend to me.
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Oh okay, I hope you didn’t take offense at me for asking that. Just curious… 😉
 
After they are 30, married, and have moved out of the house…

I’m a father and I have a teenaged daughter 🙂

wc
 
:rotfl:
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wcknight:
After they are 30, married, and have moved out of the house…

I’m a father and I have a teenaged daughter 🙂

wc
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:rotfl: Yes, you are the father of a daughter! I love it!

I have two (twins), but they are in their twenties and out of the house.

I think that group dating, to school dances, skating parties, and similar activities are good, and whould be chaperoned. No one on one dating until they are ready to get married (i.e., take on that responsibility)!
 
Why is it not okay to date until you are ready to get married? I’m not ready to marry right now (I’m off to college in the fall…) but I’m in an amazing relationship that is teaching me so much about myself, my faith, and what I want in marriage in the future. Putting limits on when your kids can have relationships with members of the opposite sex isn’t always… the best way of protecting them. If you’ve raised them well, they should seek out healthy relationships, and could greatly benefit from them.
 
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Rach620:
Why is it not okay to date until you are ready to get married? I’m not ready to marry right now (I’m off to college in the fall…) but I’m in an amazing relationship that is teaching me so much about myself, my faith, and what I want in marriage in the future. Putting limits on when your kids can have relationships with members of the opposite sex isn’t always… the best way of protecting them. If you’ve raised them well, they should seek out healthy relationships, and could greatly benefit from them.
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When someone is a teen they have SOOO much time still ahead of them. Many parents understand this and they only want what is best for their children. Dating is not the same thing as socializing and we understand that. As a parent who wants the best for my children, I let them socialize (go to movies with friends, have people over, go to the mall, go to their friend’s homes (whom I know), etc. They can have friendships and they do. However, “dating” relationships go beyond the comfort level for me. Let me ask you something. What do you get out of your relationship with your boyfriend? Cannot you find those things in a simple friendship? Why not have friends (just friends) and learn with them about yourself, your faith, etc. You can learn about what you want in a spouse by OBSERVING your parents and other married couples who are far more experienced in this matter. When two people get together and “learn” about this topic as teens (not knowing what they want or wishing to define what they want by trial and error) it’s like gambling at a craps table when you don’t know how to play the game. Your risk is too great. With your entire future ahead of you, the consequences could be very devastating. If one waits until after they have finished school, has established themselves in a good profession, and has supported themselves financially and found that they have the resources (time, money, etc) enough to start their own family, they can pursue it if that is what they choose to do. There is a time and place for everything. My opinion is to watch, learn, become grounded in the things that you want for yourself BEFORE you enter the dating arena and have to concentrate on the other stuff. Time is on your side and as a teen, you have TONS of it. Concentrate on school and a future profession (that is enough for anyone) THEN let the other stuff fall into place. That is just my opinion though and God knows that I have been wrong before, yet I cannot help to believe that after almost 40 years of experience I am completely ignorant.
God bless.
 
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