When is it inappropriate to step in with adult children?

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whatevergirl

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To parents of adult children…what do you think would be overstepping your boundaries into their lives, as a parent? For example, if your daughter/son were being abused, or hurt in some way by a girlfriend/boyfriend/spouse…would you step in?

My dh and I were talking about this, and we have always taught our kids that if someone hits you ONE TIME, you leave the relationship. This is why you don’t rush into marrying someone…bla bla bla. My dh said…to me privately…“if anyone ever harms “L” …I will definitely step in. No man is laying a hand on our daughter like that!” I agreed.

Is that wrong?

Also, would it be wrong if your kids decided to leave the Church, and pursue another faith–to step in and try to steer them back? I pray my kids never stray from the faith, but you never know. My husband comes from a devout Catholic family and only 3 of the 9 kids are practicing Catholics.🤷

Look forward to your reply.
 
When your kids are adults living on their own, they are in charge of their own lives.

We parents can share our concern and opinions and we can offer help, but ultimately their choices are their own.

And as for their faith, that is between them and God. You teach them while they are under your roof, but after that, you have to let them decide for themselves. And don’t forget to pray. Heck, my prayer life increased dramatically once my kids started to drive!
 
whatevergirl said:
To parents of adult children…what do you think would be overstepping your boundaries into their lives, as a parent? For example, if your daughter/son were being abused, or hurt in some way by a girlfriend/boyfriend/spouse…would you step in?

My dh and I were talking about this, and we have always taught our kids that if someone hits you ONE TIME, you leave the relationship. This is why you don’t rush into marrying someone…bla bla bla. My dh said…to me privately…“if anyone ever harms “L” …I will definitely step in. No man is laying a hand on our daughter like that!” I agreed.

Is that wrong?

Also, would it be wrong if your kids decided to leave the Church, and pursue another faith–to step in and try to steer them back? I pray my kids never stray from the faith, but you never know. My husband comes from a devout Catholic family and only 3 of the 9 kids are practicing Catholics.🤷

Look forward to your reply.
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No! It’s not wrong. We have a married 27 year old Daughter. If she were to be abused, like your DH, we would step in. She’s still our child, even though she is an adult. I don’t think you ever stop feeling like you want to protect your children, no matter what their age. We will always protect her as best we can. As far as leaving the Church, I pray that never happens, but in case she was thinking about leaving, I would talk to her about her reasons & hope she would re-think the idea. If she did leave the faith, I think it would crush me, to be honest. It’s hard sometimes because you have to remind yourself that she/he are adults & not your baby anymore:o ! But we are secure in the fact that we raised her right & trust her decisions. Of course abuse is a different story, we would intervein.
 
newf said:
When your kids are adults living on their own, they are in charge of their own lives.

We parents can share our concern and opinions and we can offer help, but ultimately their choices are their own.

And as for their faith, that is between them and God. You teach them while they are under your roof, but after that, you have to let them decide for themselves. And don’t forget to pray. Heck, my prayer life increased dramatically once my kids started to drive!
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ok, so if you have a daughter…and she is being physically abused by her husband, and you know this…you would not do anything? I don’t believe it. :o (Maybe you mean in other ways) We would step in for a stranger being beat up on the street…we wouldn’t intervene if we knew our kids were in danger? I definitely will step in if my daughter made a bad choice and marries an abusive man some day. I pray not–you are right, we can only raise them in the way they should go, the rest is up to them. Their dad has always showed me respect, so you’d hope that they would marry people who are loving and caring…but you never know. I read posts on here about abusive men, and it just concerns me.
 
Abuse of any kind, whether it’s one of my kids being abused or abusing is reason for me to step in. I did it when DD was 16 and I witnessed her BF hurting her and making her cry to get something out of her hand. That was it, it was “You are breaking up with him NOW. He hurt you to get a piece of paper from your hand, what would he be willing to do for something more?” I wouldn’t hesite to do the same thing now that she’s an adult and I wouldn’t hesitate to advise her brothers in the same way (or her brothers’ girlfriends if they were the ones being abused).

As for faith, I’ve had to speak my mind one and then hold my peace. All three of my kids have left the church as did my 2 brothers the minute they left home.

DD is married by a non-denominational minister at a wedding hall; DS2 is looking at getting married in the Lutheran Church, if not an Evangelical Church - he hadn’t even told his WTB that he was Catholic; and DS1 lives 500 feet from a Church and hasn’t darkened its doors since he moved in a few years ago.

I know that Dad went to his grave worrying about my brothers’ souls. Now I know how he felt. But faith is not something you can force on your kids no matter how much you’d like to. You can only keep leading by example.
 
I think that anytime an adult child becomes involved in something immoral or illegal that a parent (or a sibling or a friend) has the right to step in and offer an opinion.

In some cases that “opinion” may even be a warning that you will take it to the civil authorities if the adult child doesn’t do something first. That would certainly be the case if a minor grandchild was being placed in harm’s way.

But assuming this isn’t an illegal activity, I think the parent has to step back after giving the advice and allow the adult child to make his or her decision. The truth is that the parent has no power to do anything other than annoy the adult child so there’s not much left to step in and “do” other than offer the example of the parents’ own lives.
 
whatevergirl said:
ok, so if you have a daughter…and she is being physically abused by her husband, and you know this…you would not do anything? I don’t believe it. :o (Maybe you mean in other ways) We would step in for a stranger being beat up on the street…we wouldn’t intervene if we knew our kids were in danger? I definitely will step in if my daughter made a bad choice and marries an abusive man some day. I pray not–you are right, we can only raise them in the way they should go, the rest is up to them. Their dad has always showed me respect, so you’d hope that they would marry people who are loving and caring…but you never know. I read posts on here about abusive men, and it just concerns me.
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Sorry I wasn’t more clear. Yes, I would help a daughter who was in an abusive situation any way I could.

But my point was that when your child is an adult, they get to make their own choices. And like SMHW said, if it’s not illegal, then we have to step back and let our kids make their own decisions. And to step in where we are not wanted usually backfires and sends the adult child even further away.

Also, when you mentioned your concern about women who are married to abusive men, I think these women usually miss the signs that were there in the dating days. I believe there are always red flags. If you date long enough, you will see them. And that would be the time to tell a daughter you have a bad feeling about someone she may be getting serious with, and tell her the signs you see.
 
SMHW said:
But assuming this isn’t an illegal activity, I think the parent has to step back after giving the advice and allow the adult child to make his or her decision. The truth is that the parent has no power to do anything other than annoy the adult child so there’s not much left to step in and “do” other than offer the example of the parents’ own lives.
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**
As an adult child I completely agree. **👍
 
newf said:
Also, when you mentioned your concern about women who are married to abusive men, I think these women usually miss the signs that were there in the dating days. I believe there are always red flags. If you date long enough, you will see them. And that would be the time to tell a daughter you have a bad feeling about someone she may be getting serious with, and tell her the signs you see.
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And be prepared to have her ignore you…just help her pick up the pieces later…without saying I told you so.🤷
 
As a mother of 2 married children and 2 grandchildren I would only step in if there was abuse, illegal activity, or a drug/alcohol problem , as other posters have stated. I would also step in if one of the parents was under the influence and attempted to drive, and I would pull my darling grandchildren right out of the car!!!

Other than that, it’s their business.😉
 
newf said:
Sorry I wasn’t more clear. Yes, I would help a daughter who was in an abusive situation any way I could.

Ok–I thought you meant that! lol

But my point was that when your child is an adult, they get to make their own choices. And like SMHW said, if it’s not illegal, then we have to step back and let our kids make their own decisions. And to step in where we are not wanted usually backfires and sends the adult child even further away.

Agreed. Yes, I wouldn’t want to meddle in financial things, or when they are married, and have arguments. True, indeed.

Also, when you mentioned your concern about women who are married to abusive men, I think these women usually miss the signs that were there in the dating days. I believe there are always red flags. If you date long enough, you will see them. And that would be the time to tell a daughter you have a bad feeling about someone she may be getting serious with, and tell her the signs you see.
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I agree, I think if you date someone long enough before marrying (not under a year)…the person’s true self will emerge. I imagine there are some men out there however, who are masters of illusions. :o

I have told my kids this…it’s wise to be engaged for at least one to two years before getting married. Now if they follow my advice who knows? I think I feel this way, because I dated an abusive guy in college, and thought I was always a strong minded person, but you never know until you are in it. I hope that my kids make healthy choices for themselves, when it comes to dating, and marriage, someday. I’ll keep praying in the meantime!🙂
 
abuse? i’ve intervened in relationships less connected than parent/child. if i would tell a girlfriend, “Get out now” I’d surely tell it to my daughter. Were my grandchildren subject to witness domestic violence in their home, i’d have more to say than that.

leaving the Church? same. if i’d tell my friend, which I have taken opportunity to do, I will surely tell my kids. “STAY. Work it out. PRAY.”

the catechism says my adult kids have the responsibility to consider my counsel. of course it stands to reason that i have the right to offer my counsel.

does my kid have to abide my counsel?

nope.
 
monicatholic said:
abuse? i’ve intervened in relationships less connected than parent/child. if i would tell a girlfriend, “Get out now” I’d surely tell it to my daughter. Were my grandchildren subject to witness domestic violence in their home, i’d have more to say than that.

leaving the Church? same. if i’d tell my friend, which I have taken opportunity to do, I will surely tell my kids. “STAY. Work it out. PRAY.”

the catechism says my adult kids have the responsibility to consider my counsel. of course it stands to reason that i have the right to offer my counsel.

does my kid have to abide my counsel?

nope.
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they don’t?😃

Yes, agreed monica.
 
When is it appropriate to step in? When it’s abusive or immoral. When it comes to immoral choices there is only so much you can do. I am a strongly opinionated person, and I tend to be a bit of a control freak -something I work hard to keep in check. I’m probably not going to make the greatest MIL. My daughter will be on the internet complaining how “grandma” is always butting in with her opinions.:o 😛
 
I did step in when my then 26 y/o daughter was being abused by her BF. It drove us apart, as she viewed my interference as “trying to control her” I stepped back all together and as we type, I am trying to mend a badly broken relationship. Would I do it again?? In a heartbeat.

Kathy
 
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whatevergirl:
I think if you date someone long enough before marrying (not under a year)…the person’s true self will emerge. I imagine there are some men out there however, who are masters of illusions.
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Yes, there are. As a friend of mine testified. Seems it was putting the wedding ring on that changed things - it either changed him into someone who needed total control of her or changed him into one.
CB Catholic:
As a mother of 2 married children and 2 grandchildren I would only step in if there was abuse, illegal activity, or a drug/alcohol problem, as other posters have stated. I would also step in if one of the parents was under the influence and attempted to drive, and I would pull my darling grandchildren right out of the car!!!
Other than that, it’s their business.
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Another situation where I think a parent intervening or initiating intervention is appriopriate is if the son or daughter, married or not, was in the grip of a disease eg anorexia or bulimia that threatened their life and the spouse had done nothing.
 
My son is 28 years old, a bachelor, I want him to settle down and give us a grandbaby, but I keep havin to “intervene” with the young ladies he shows up here with from time to time.

“tell me this girl is NOT gonna be the momma of my grandbaby”

“Dad we’ve only been datin a month, but not goin there anyways”

“Son, she doesn’t even know what day of the week it is”

“Sometimes you just hafta to tell her to hush”

“no kiddin”

He lives 90 mintues away, we talk 2-3 times a day. He comes home couple weekends a month, and still serves at the altar with Father.

But so far I’m not having much luck on getting him to settle down. He listens to me about everything else, but I dunno why he won’t take some thought and look for a nice Catholic girl, he says he’s not ready to settle down.

I’m gonna intervene everytime I think he’s fixin to mess up, might not listen, but I’m gonna have my say.
 
BamaRider said:
My son is 28 years old, a bachelor, I want him to settle down and give us a grandbaby, but I keep havin to “intervene” with the young ladies he shows up here with from time to time.

“tell me this girl is NOT gonna be the momma of my grandbaby”

“Dad we’ve only been datin a month, but not goin there anyways”

“Son, she doesn’t even know what day of the week it is”

“Sometimes you just hafta to tell her to hush”

“no kiddin”

He lives 90 mintues away, we talk 2-3 times a day. He comes home couple weekends a month, and still serves at the altar with Father.

But so far I’m not having much luck on getting him to settle down. He listens to me about everything else, but I dunno why he won’t take some thought and look for a nice Catholic girl, he says he’s not ready to settle down.

I’m gonna intervene everytime I think he’s fixin to mess up, might not listen, but I’m gonna have my say.
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**Oohhhh…so did your son break up with that girl you posted about a while back, who was sort of aloof to you all, and not Catholic?:hmmm: I think I’m going to be a female Bama when my kids bring people home.:o I am blunt, and my kids know me well. I will never ever tell them who to date, but I will step in if they are dating someone who is using or abusing them. Absolutely.

We spend our lives trying to raise decent, God loving human beings. I just pray pray pray they choose right.**
 
Well I am not a parent with adult kids, mine are still very young but I come from a devout Catholic family, on my father’s side, all 9 or 12 kids that are left out of the 16 my grandparent’s have are all Catholic, my mother’s side, all 8 kids are as well, as far as I know…my siblings are as well…there are 4 of us, my sister’s husband is as well, and so are their children…My brother’s wife isn’t but his children are…My children are as well and my bf is as well…If my children later on decide they will change their faith I will advice that the faith they were blessed was the one chosen for them and that it would be wise to continue with our Catholic faith but they are free to choose what they feel is right to them. Of course I will continue teaching my children that God is a great God of all and what a wonderfully loving God He is so that they don’t ever feel the need to change religions…but again as much as it may hurt me they are free to do what they wish is best for them…My parents intercede all the time!! I mean all the time…They were one of the reasons my first marriage didn’t work, aside from the fact that my ex was a really dead beat dad and abusing husband…Anyhow like for example with my new relationship, I am not allowed to post any public pictures of us including any pics taken with my children until I am married…Other wise OMG what will people say about me!!! As if I have ever cared…One of the reasons I am the black sheep of the family! If I wanted to buy a house, they interfere, if I wanted to buy a car, same thing, if I ground my kids, there is my mother…etc…when I lived with her I was not allowed to discipline my kids at all, my children were horrible spoiled brats the ones you pray to GOD never to have or deal with, I kid you not!! I could not stand my own children because my mother would not let me raise them!! My sister didn’t care and has let my mother raise her kids, they have gotten so bad my nephew broke my mothers flat pannel tv with a yoyo…because he wanted to play let’s swirl the yoyo and let it go as hard as he could inside the house not outside!! Sorry I changed all that even without her permission!!! I moved out again as soon as I could!!! My brother did the same when he found out his wife was pregnant he said loud and clean “my wife and I will raise my children, I love you but sorry you are not their mother!!!” And I understand him completely! My mother calls us ingrates and ungrateful and all this other stuff because we have moved out, and really will not talk to them about life making decisions because everything is wrong!!! “Oh you can’t do that because it’s ridiculous! You are going to wear what? Oh the kids don’t need all that feed them this!!” It’s like uhm, can I please have my own life? I understand parents will always be parents but to the point of driving your kids far away I don’t think that’s really good parenting!! I try to understand them and empathise with them after all we don’t want our own kids making the same mistakes as us, but still, I wanted to make my own choices why will my children not be allowed to do the same? Now, my father used to be an alchy and would beat my mother up, it got so bad I stuck up for her and got beat once, no biggie made it out of there fine, I love my father and understand he was ill, I don’t blame him for it, nor do I judge him…Nor do I judge my mother for mistreating me still, on the contrary I feel bad for her for everything she has gone through…and I honestly think the reason she doesn’t treat me the same as my siblings is because I might have come from a rape from my father during his outbreaks…and it’s ok…I still love my mother and may GOD bless her…I learned to defend myself and am teaching my children to do the same…With my ex he would raise his hand at me and believe me I was raising it back…I was not defenseless nor was I going to allow myself to be that way…I am not weak even though I have been doned that by my entire family as being the weakest one of my siblings, but whatever, and I was not going to show any weakness to my ex…I don’t believe in controlling, I believe in 50/50…My mother is into the whole 100% thing, and so is my sister, another reason we don’t get along…I give my loves their space and choices, I don’t demand nor command…sorry but a relationship is about love, affection, compassion, teamwork, etc…not I tell you this so do it!! The point is if it’s a life and death situation with your children interfere, of course but for little things like my mother does and used to do, “OMG your husband is wearing what? Oh no you are not coming over like that!!” You will only push your kids away, and get resentment…Now I don’t resent my parents or anything different views about things, but I can tell you she has pushed me away feeling that my feelings are not as important as anyone elses… Now if you teach your children to defend themselves then their husbands will live in fear of “if i raise my hand I will be missing teeth in the morning!!!” Jkjkjk…On a serious note though, after my ex and I got into this really bad fight once where I almost busted his head open, he stopped hitting me…😃 Even though my nose was bleeding etc I was able to show him I wasn’t backing down…My life was more important than his, and I wasn’t letting him take me down…
Maybe it’s wrong but at least you won’t have to worry that your daughter will have problems…Even your son’s teach them to be respectful but to defend themselves…You also don’t want them ending up manipulated and beated on because the woman can…you know? So good luck…I am trying to place my children in karate, it’s just expensive and income not there!! But I know it will help them with anger issues or any other issue they might have, teach them self esteem, more than I can, self control, and to defend themselves…So that’s something you should consider for your children as well…
 
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