When is it inappropriate to step in with adult children?

[rayne89]

Well I am not a parent with adult kids, mine are still very young but I come from a devout Catholic family, on my father’s side, all 9 or 12 kids that are left out of the 16 my grandparent’s have are all Catholic, my mother’s side, all 8 kids are as well, as far as I know…my siblings are as well…there are 4 of us, my sister’s husband is as well, and so are their children…My brother’s wife isn’t but his children are…My children are as well and my bf is as well…If my children later on decide they will change their faith I will advice that the faith they were blessed was the one chosen for them and that it would be wise to continue with our Catholic faith but they are free to choose what they feel is right to them. Of course I will continue teaching my children that God is a great God of all and what a wonderfully loving God He is so that they don’t ever feel the need to change religions…but again as much as it may hurt me they are free to do what they wish is best for them…My parents intercede all the time!! I mean all the time…They were one of the reasons my first marriage didn’t work, aside from the fact that my ex was a really dead beat dad and abusing husband…Anyhow like for example with my new relationship, I am not allowed to post any public pictures of us including any pics taken with my children until I am married…Other wise OMG what will people say about me!!! As if I have ever cared…One of the reasons I am the black sheep of the family! If I wanted to buy a house, they interfere, if I wanted to buy a car, same thing, if I ground my kids, there is my mother…etc…when I lived with her I was not allowed to discipline my kids at all, my children were horrible spoiled brats the ones you pray to GOD never to have or deal with, I kid you not!! I could not stand my own children because my mother would not let me raise them!! My sister didn’t care and has let my mother raise her kids, they have gotten so bad my nephew broke my mothers flat pannel tv with a yoyo…because he wanted to play let’s swirl the yoyo and let it go as hard as he could inside the house not outside!! Sorry I changed all that even without her permission!!! I moved out again as soon as I could!!! My brother did the same when he found out his wife was pregnant he said loud and clean “my wife and I will raise my children, I love you but sorry you are not their mother!!!” And I understand him completely! My mother calls us ingrates and ungrateful and all this other stuff because we have moved out, and really will not talk to them about life making decisions because everything is wrong!!! “Oh you can’t do that because it’s ridiculous! You are going to wear what? Oh the kids don’t need all that feed them this!!” It’s like uhm, can I please have my own life? I understand parents will always be parents but to the point of driving your kids far away I don’t think that’s really good parenting!! I try to understand them and empathise with them after all we don’t want our own kids making the same mistakes as us, but still, I wanted to make my own choices why will my children not be allowed to do the same? Now, my father used to be an alchy and would beat my mother up, it got so bad I stuck up for her and got beat once, no biggie made it out of there fine, I love my father and understand he was ill, I don’t blame him for it, nor do I judge him…Nor do I judge my mother for mistreating me still, on the contrary I feel bad for her for everything she has gone through…and I honestly think the reason she doesn’t treat me the same as my siblings is because I might have come from a rape from my father during his outbreaks…and it’s ok…I still love my mother and may GOD bless her…I learned to defend myself and am teaching my children to do the same…With my ex he would raise his hand at me and believe me I was raising it back…I was not defenseless nor was I going to allow myself to be that way…I am not weak even though I have been doned that by my entire family as being the weakest one of my siblings, but whatever, and I was not going to show any weakness to my ex…I don’t believe in controlling, I believe in 50/50…My mother is into the whole 100% thing, and so is my sister, another reason we don’t get along…I give my loves their space and choices, I don’t demand nor command…sorry but a relationship is about love, affection, compassion, teamwork, etc…not I tell you this so do it!! The point is if it’s a life and death situation with your children interfere, of course but for little things like my mother does and used to do, “OMG your husband is wearing what? Oh no you are not coming over like that!!” You will only push your kids away, and get resentment…Now I don’t resent my parents or anything different views about things, but I can tell you she has pushed me away feeling that my feelings are not as important as anyone elses… Now if you teach your children to defend themselves then their husbands will live in fear of “if i raise my hand I will be missing teeth in the morning!!!” Jkjkjk…On a serious note though, after my ex and I got into this really bad fight once where I almost busted his head open, he stopped hitting me… Even though my nose was bleeding etc I was able to show him I wasn’t backing down…My life was more important than his, and I wasn’t letting him take me down…
Maybe it’s wrong but at least you won’t have to worry that your daughter will have problems…Even your son’s teach them to be respectful but to defend themselves…

You really need to break a long post like this off into paragraphs (instead of…)because it’s very hard to read this way. Thanks.

 

[iluvmybabies]

Bama, I agree with you. That’s part of our responsibility as parents!

Just out of curiosity, did your parents intervene all the time?

 

[iluvmybabies]

Well I am not a parent with adult kids, mine are still very young but I come from a devout Catholic family, on my father’s side, all 9 or 12 kids that are left out of the 16 my grandparent’s have are all Catholic, my mother’s side, all 8 kids are as well, as far as I know…my siblings are as well…there are 4 of us, my sister’s husband is as well, and so are their children…My brother’s wife isn’t but his children are…My children are as well and my bf is as well…If my children later on decide they will change their faith I will advice that the faith they were blessed was the one chosen for them and that it would be wise to continue with our Catholic faith but they are free to choose what they feel is right to them. Of course I will continue teaching my children that God is a great God of all and what a wonderfully loving God He is so that they don’t ever feel the need to change religions…but again as much as it may hurt me they are free to do what they wish is best for them…My parents intercede all the time!! I mean all the time…They were one of the reasons my first marriage didn’t work, aside from the fact that my ex was a really dead beat dad and abusing husband…Anyhow like for example with my new relationship, I am not allowed to post any public pictures of us including any pics taken with my children until I am married…Other wise OMG what will people say about me!!!

As if I have ever cared…One of the reasons I am the black sheep of the family! If I wanted to buy a house, they interfere, if I wanted to buy a car, same thing, if I ground my kids, there is my mother…etc…when I lived with her I was not allowed to discipline my kids at all, my children were horrible spoiled brats the ones you pray to GOD never to have or deal with, I kid you not!! I could not stand my own children because my mother would not let me raise them!! My sister didn’t care and has let my mother raise her kids, they have gotten so bad my nephew broke my mothers flat pannel tv with a yoyo…because he wanted to play let’s swirl the yoyo and let it go as hard as he could inside the house not outside!! Sorry I changed all that even without her permission!!! I moved out again as soon as I could!!! My brother did the same when he found out his wife was pregnant he said loud and clean “my wife and I will raise my children, I love you but sorry you are not their mother!!!”

And I understand him completely! My mother calls us ingrates and ungrateful and all this other stuff because we have moved out, and really will not talk to them about life making decisions because everything is wrong!!! “Oh you can’t do that because it’s ridiculous! You are going to wear what? Oh the kids don’t need all that feed them this!!” It’s like uhm, can I please have my own life? I understand parents will always be parents but to the point of driving your kids far away I don’t think that’s really good parenting!! I try to understand them and empathise with them after all we don’t want our own kids making the same mistakes as us, but still, I wanted to make my own choices why will my children not be allowed to do the same? Now, my father used to be an alchy and would beat my mother up, it got so bad I stuck up for her and got beat once, no biggie made it out of there fine, I love my father and understand he was ill, I don’t blame him for it, nor do I judge him…Nor do I judge my mother for mistreating me still, on the contrary I feel bad for her for everything she has gone through…and I honestly think the reason she doesn’t treat me the same as my siblings is because I might have come from a rape from my father during his outbreaks…and it’s ok…I still love my mother and may GOD bless her…

Is this better for ya???

 

[iluvmybabies]

I learned to defend myself and am teaching my children to do the same…With my ex he would raise his hand at me and believe me I was raising it back…I was not defenseless nor was I going to allow myself to be that way…I am not weak even though I have been doned that by my entire family as being the weakest one of my siblings, but whatever, and I was not going to show any weakness to my ex…I don’t believe in controlling, I believe in 50/50…My mother is into the whole 100% thing, and so is my sister, another reason we don’t get along…I give my loves their space and choices, I don’t demand nor command…sorry but a relationship is about love, affection, compassion, teamwork, etc…not I tell you this so do it!! The point is if it’s a life and death situation with your children interfere, of course but for little things like my mother does and used to do, “OMG your husband is wearing what? Oh no you are not coming over like that!!” You will only push your kids away, and get resentment…

Now I don’t resent my parents or anything different views about things, but I can tell you she has pushed me away feeling that my feelings are not as important as anyone elses… Now if you teach your children to defend themselves then their husbands will live in fear of “if i raise my hand I will be missing teeth in the morning!!!” Jkjkjk…On a serious note though, after my ex and I got into this really bad fight once where I almost busted his head open, he stopped hitting me… Even though my nose was bleeding etc I was able to show him I wasn’t backing down…My life was more important than his, and I wasn’t letting him take me down…
Maybe it’s wrong but at least you won’t have to worry that your daughter will have problems…Even your son’s teach them to be respectful but to defend themselves…You also don’t want them ending up manipulated and beated on because the woman can…you know? So good luck…I am trying to place my children in karate, it’s just expensive and income not there!! But I know it will help them with anger issues or any other issue they might have, teach them self esteem, more than I can, self control, and to defend themselves…So that’s something you should consider for your children as well…

 

[rayne89]

iluvmybabies;4241663:

Well I am not a parent with adult kids, mine are still very young but I come from a devout Catholic family, on my father’s side, all 9 or 12 kids that are left out of the 16 my grandparent’s have are all Catholic, my mother’s side, all 8 kids are as well, as far as I know…my siblings are as well…there are 4 of us, my sister’s husband is as well, and so are their children…My brother’s wife isn’t but his children are…My children are as well and my bf is as well…If my children later on decide they will change their faith I will advice that the faith they were blessed was the one chosen for them and that it would be wise to continue with our Catholic faith but they are free to choose what they feel is right to them. Of course I will continue teaching my children that God is a great God of all and what a wonderfully loving God He is so that they don’t ever feel the need to change religions…but again as much as it may hurt me they are free to do what they wish is best for them…My parents intercede all the time!! I mean all the time…They were one of the reasons my first marriage didn’t work, aside from the fact that my ex was a really dead beat dad and abusing husband…Anyhow like for example with my new relationship, I am not allowed to post any public pictures of us including any pics taken with my children until I am married…Other wise OMG what will people say about me!!!

As if I have ever cared…One of the reasons I am the black sheep of the family! If I wanted to buy a house, they interfere, if I wanted to buy a car, same thing, if I ground my kids, there is my mother…etc…when I lived with her I was not allowed to discipline my kids at all, my children were horrible spoiled brats the ones you pray to GOD never to have or deal with, I kid you not!! I could not stand my own children because my mother would not let me raise them!! My sister didn’t care and has let my mother raise her kids, they have gotten so bad my nephew broke my mothers flat pannel tv with a yoyo…because he wanted to play let’s swirl the yoyo and let it go as hard as he could inside the house not outside!! Sorry I changed all that even without her permission!!! I moved out again as soon as I could!!! My brother did the same when he found out his wife was pregnant he said loud and clean “my wife and I will raise my children, I love you but sorry you are not their mother!!!”

And I understand him completely! My mother calls us ingrates and ungrateful and all this other stuff because we have moved out, and really will not talk to them about life making decisions because everything is wrong!!! “Oh you can’t do that because it’s ridiculous! You are going to wear what? Oh the kids don’t need all that feed them this!!” It’s like uhm, can I please have my own life? I understand parents will always be parents but to the point of driving your kids far away I don’t think that’s really good parenting!! I try to understand them and empathise with them after all we don’t want our own kids making the same mistakes as us, but still, I wanted to make my own choices why will my children not be allowed to do the same? Now, my father used to be an alchy and would beat my mother up, it got so bad I stuck up for her and got beat once, no biggie made it out of there fine, I love my father and understand he was ill, I don’t blame him for it, nor do I judge him…Nor do I judge my mother for mistreating me still, on the contrary I feel bad for her for everything she has gone through…and I honestly think the reason she doesn’t treat me the same as my siblings is because I might have come from a rape from my father during his outbreaks…and it’s ok…I still love my mother and may GOD bless her…

Is this better for ya???

Much! Thanks.

 

[iluvmybabies]

With all due respect to everyone, coming from a mother that always intervenes, it’s no fun at all…let me tell you…It drives me insane and it hurts me…Ok I brought home once a guy that looked “too cool” for their style, obviously I wasn’t dating him to marry him, I was dating him because he was a good friend and one thing led to another and we started dating…I think that if parents trust their kids and try to be supportive you will see that they eventually will make the right choices…When you are a shadow to your kids it’s hard to make any choice at all, you are so clouded with the whole “what will my parent’s” say you stop being yourself and become a puppet…I couldn’t dance because my mother thought it was a waste of time, I couldn’t sing because she thought I had a bad voice, and my choir teacher loved my singing, I loved painting but hello that doesn’t pay the bills!!! And my art professor loved my style…I wanted to model, what was my mother’s wonderful words to me, “oh honey that’s for really pretty girls that are skinny not for girls that are like you!!!” I wanted to be a teacher, “you know what sweety I don’t think you working for pennies will be a wise choice!!” I wanted to study astronomy, “get your head out of the clouds!!!” I stated I would like to join the air force or the national guard, “OMG and kill your mother is that how much you care about me!!” I was like so what would you like me to do? “Go into business!” I went into business, do you think that made her happy? NOPE!! “You know what why don’t you try accounting, oh engineering, oh try this…” ETC…

It’s no fun at all…“Oh your boyfriend has an ugly nose!! Oh that one looks like he has an attitude! Oh no I don’t think so he dresses like a gangster. Oh he has his hat on crooked…Oh he looks like a bum…Oh he lives with his mother I don’t think so… Oh he’s too young…he’s too old! The kids won’t like him!!” Etc Etc Etc…It’s no fun at all…If your kids find someone that’s decent, sweet, respectful and loves your kids, please let them be happy! It doesn’t matter if they eat with their fingers and not the salad fork or the smaller spoon!!! It doesn’t matter if they eat with their left hand or right hand if they go to their church or yours!!! There is no life in telling your kids what to do, what choices to make, they will get lost in the way…I have 2 different personalities…the one I use all the time and the one I have to put on for my family!! I can’t joke, can’t laugh out loud, my mother says ladies don’t do that, I can’t roll around in the ground with my kids, I can’t be a clown or immature, I have to be this “correct woman figure” and it’s a hard thing to do…When she looks at myspace pics she criticizes me, “oh why did you wear that shirt it shows off your chest too much, oh why are you doing that in that pic you look like a little kid!” It’s like uhm because I felt like it?!

I mean we all make mistakes, I understand, some worst than others but they are all our own mistakes, we will try and teach our children not to make the same ones, but eventually it will be their choices not anyone else’s…we love our children and want the best for them, just try to teach them better than your parents did, I am…especially giving them responsibilities and choices and to take responsibilities for their actions…example, true story: my daughter decided in 3rd grade she was tired of school, forget it I don’t care, blah blah blah, I asked her why, she told me it was boring etc etc etc…I asked if she was going to do her hw, she said no, I told her well you deal with the consequence tomorrow then…she said she didn’t care…I left her alone, the next day when she was taken to school, and had no hw she was in time out and spent all day without playing, she came home and said to me she would never do that again, and is an almost straight A student now…
When she misbehaves I let her know what is the consequence of it, and she is punished for it, the same with my boys…they made their choice now they have to deal with the consequence…
I will always be there for my kids, God willing, but they have to learn things on their own as well!!!

 

[Joan_M]

No matter what age your children are, you are still their parent. My sons are 38 and 35. I am still their mother, and will be all my life.

One day when DS1 was about 18 and I was letting him know what I thought of some behavior of his (can’t remember what - it’s 20 years ago!), he complained that he was an adult now and I should not be nagging him. My response was - D, I was 27 when you were born. When you are 70 and I am 97 I will still be your mother. If I do not agree with something you are doing with your life, I will tell you about it. That is not going to change.

That still stands. As a parent, there is no way I will not let my sons know if I believe they are doing something that is bad for their eternal life. Praying for them comes before and after telling them.

 

[iluvmybabies]

No matter what age your children are, you are still their parent. My sons are 38 and 35. I am still their mother, and will be all my life.

One day when DS1 was about 18 and I was letting him know what I thought of some behavior of his (can’t remember what - it’s 20 years ago!), he complained that he was an adult now and I should not be nagging him. My response was - D, I was 27 when you were born. When you are 70 and I am 97 I will still be your mother. If I do not agree with something you are doing with your life, I will tell you about it. That is not going to change.

That still stands. As a parent, there is no way I will not let my sons know if I believe they are doing something that is bad for their eternal life. Praying for them comes before and after telling them.

Exactly you can advice them of their behaviours but it doesn’t mean they are going to actually do what you tell them or advice them that will be their choices as adult…

Of course a parent is always going to be a parent no matter what…I will as well advice my kids and whatever their choices I let them know of the consequences involved with them and let them decide that way…and they know whatever choice they make they will deal with the consequence, whether it’s a positive one or a negative one…

I agree with you praying comes before and after at all times because we always want our children to make the right and best choices to have a wonderfully blessed life…

 

[Galnextdoor]

If you don’t say something, your children may think you don’t care.

I saw a woman being choked by her husband one time. The father pulled the husband off of her, but he just calmly told the husband that he shouldn’t hurt a woman.

The woman later told me that she thought her parents didn’t care.
Her parents said that when the woman got tired of it she would leave.

As for falling away from the church, use every opportunity you can to talk about God and the church. Have masses said and send them a mass card. Give them religious articles as gifts. Pray, pray, pray. Bottom line is “You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make him drink.”

 

[iluvmybabies]

If you don’t say something, your children may think you don’t care.

I saw a woman being choked by her husband one time. The father pulled the husband off of her, but he just calmly told the husband that he shouldn’t hurt a woman.

The woman later told me that she thought her parents didn’t care.
Her parents said that when the woman got tired of it she would leave.

As for falling away from the church, use every opportunity you can to talk about God and the church. Have masses said and send them a mass card. Give them religious articles as gifts. Pray, pray, pray. Bottom line is “You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make him drink.”

Yes and I know a woman who was getting beat and when her parent’s interceded she told her parent’s to mind their own business and let her deal with her husband her own way…
so it works both ways…As long as you advice and support your kids and show them and let them know you love them I am sure they will grow up to be responsible, and well established adults in every sense of the word!!