When is the best age for a child to know about LGBT issues?

[ToeInTheWater]

So this topic is inspired by the one about pediatricians asking their patients about their sexual orientation. The OP found this scandalous and asked “Why put these sorts of things in a child’s mind? It’s unnecessary.” As if the average child would have no clue about “these sorts of things” unless a doctor told them.

I’ve also read posts here from CAFers who struggle with how to deal with LGBT friends and family members, many seem to think it’s best to shield children from the truth and refer to same-sex partners as “friends” or “roommates”, think it’s justified to ask same-sex couples to refrain from any PDA, or to keep children away from them completely.

But I personally think it’s pretty naive to think parents can or should shield their kids from LGBT issues indefinitely. Much as with sex in general, unless you keep your kids completely isolated, they’re eventually going to find out, and surely it’s better to find out from the parents than kids on a playground, or some gay activist who declares anyone who doesn’t agree with them are hateful bigots?

And that’s not even mentioning the fact that many children do have SSA tendencies from a young age. I doubt the “pretend gay people don’t exist and they’ll go away” attitude is at all wise.

But that doesn’t mean I think pre-schoolers need to be taught about LGBT issues, either. I’m not sure what the ideal age is, but I certainly think that by middle adolescence, kids need to know something.

 

[Lea101]

I think it really depends on the maturity of the child.

My sister was around 10 when she found out about the lgbt community. Thankfully, she’s old enough for me to tell her about the Church’s teachings and how she shouldn’t ostracize them etc

Other children might hear about it younger.

Idk if it’s a good idea but…will probably bring it up when the child hears or sees it. It’s pretty weird to explain to a child about something that they have not seen or heard about IMO. Or if the child starts asking about relationships in general, then you can bring up SSA

Just to add: this issue is something that can be taught in 1 day. As the child gets older, you get more detailed in your explanations

 

[Miss_Felicity]

What’s wrong with explaining in a child appropriate way and have several smaller conversations.

 

[pensmama87]

My personal preference is that kids have a solid foundation about moral and healthy sexual behavior first before we discuss what’s immoral and unhealthy. That would probably put those discussions toward later elementary/early middle school years, or around 12-13 years old.

Now the world may necessitate a few of those discussions earlier, but that to me would mean a violation of their innocence happened in some way. Which may very well occur, I’m not ignorant. But until then, I’m definitely focused on protecting and teaching as things are designed by God to work.

 

[ToeInTheWater]

My personal preference is that kids have a solid foundation about moral and healthy sexual behavior first before we discuss what’s immoral and unhealthy. That would probably put those discussions toward later elementary/early middle school years, or around 12-13 years old.

Now the world may necessitate a few of those discussions earlier, but that to me would mean a violation of their innocence happened in some way. Which may very well occur, I’m not ignorant. But until then, I’m definitely focused on protecting and teaching as things are designed by God to work.

But not all people who identify as LGBT actually engage in “immoral and unhealthy” sexual behavior. And it seems pretty common that when it comes to same-sex attraction, people notice it very young, much younger than 12-13 years old.

And while this may not apply to you, what of parents who actually have loved ones who identify as LGBT, what are they supposed to do? Some sadly deal with it by just completely shunning them in the name of protecting the children. Such as Michelle Duggar shunning her lesbian sister. I am very disturbed by that.

 

[jane_doe]

When is the best age for a child to know about LGBT issues?

Ideally? I’d go about 10 when puberty starts and sexual things need to be talked about.
More typically? Chances are in today’s your kid is going to be exposed to things well before then. Take it in stride, talking about things as they come up.

 

[edwest2]

First of all, all children are slightly different: some start talking or reading at younger than average ages, As I grew up, I would ask my mother various questions. Most she would answer, but with others, she would say, “You’re not old enough to talk about that.” and I left it at that. I didn’t know what puberty meant until I went through it. Sure, I noticed pretty girls at a younger age but I was a lot more interested in toys and other things. After puberty, girls became more interesting.

I would suggest waiting until at least 15 years old and then explaining what LGBT means and what the Church teaches about it. I was younger than that before I heard about gay people but gave it no further thought.

Ed

 

[ToeInTheWater]

So far, no one has addressed the situation of a child who has family members who are LGBT. Are they to be shunned until the child reaches 10, or 15, or 21? The idea that LGBT people are some tiny minority that can be ignored is just not realistic these days.

I know many CAF posters are in that situation themselves, having loved ones who are LGBT, and I hope to hear from them.

 

[DarkLight]

First of all, all children are slightly different: some start talking or reading at younger than average ages, As I grew up, I would ask my mother various questions. Most she would answer, but with others, she would say, “You’re not old enough to talk about that.” and I left it at that. I didn’t know what puberty meant until I went through it. Sure, I noticed pretty girls at a younger age but I was a lot more interested in toys and other things. After puberty, girls became more interesting.

I would suggest waiting until at least 15 years old and then explaining what LGBT means and what the Church teaches about it. I was younger than that before I heard about gay people but gave it no further thought.

Ed

I wouldn’t wait that long. I had a crush on a girl by that time - I wish someone would have explained things to me before then.

 

[pensmama87]

But not all people who identify as LGBT actually engage in “immoral and unhealthy” sexual behavior. And it seems pretty common that when it comes to same-sex attraction, people notice it very young, much younger than 12-13 years old.

And while this may not apply to you, what of parents who actually have loved ones who identify as LGBT, what are they supposed to do? Some sadly deal with it by just completely shunning them in the name of protecting the children. Such as Michelle Duggar shunning her lesbian sister. I am very disturbed by that.

Well, it would depend a lot on externals.

So far I have no reason at all to think any of my sons might have same sex attraction. If I were to suspect it, I might have a conversation earlier. “Normally, x is how this works. Sometimes people feel y, and that can be confusing. You can always talk to me.” (The “you can always talk to me” is a recurring theme in any discussion we have with our kids about The Big Issues.)

I think it’s a tough thing for parents, especially if their kids decide to engage in the LGBT lifestyle. Some of my husband’s relatives are dealing with this and it is very hard for them. While he’s not “out,” I suspect that a cousin of mine is gay and how to handle it may very well be a contentious issue between his parents (his mom is Catholic, dad is atheist.)

It’s not like I haven’t thought about this stuff before. When a high school friend came out to me I got involved in a lot of gay activism out of a sense of compassion. He felt very uncomfortable being him and his family environment was part of that. When I was in college, I was also involved many people talked about how their family shunned them. Obviously this is all anecdotal, but one thing I recall about that was the people who claimed shunning were very “in-your-face,” doing things that I would have found intensely uncomfortable even if the behavior were “straight.” The people who maintained good ties with their family didn’t throw it in their faces at every opportunity (and even they noted the distinction). That’s not saying there aren’t terrible situations that occur. But just because I don’t want it in my children’s faces when they’re young doesn’t mean I’m a religious extremist. I don’t want *anybody *making out in front of my kids or making suggestive jokes about sex and then flipping out when I say, “Hey, maybe cool it.” A person doing that isn’t going to spend much time around my children, or me, because it’s disrespectful.

ETA: You seem to be conflating the idea that not wanting the behavior to be exhibited around our children means that we don’t want the people around, and I know for me that’s far from the case. My kids actually know several gay people already, who are relations or friends of my husband and me. But that’s not a part of their lives that we discuss.

 

[AClaire11]

So far, no one has addressed the situation of a child who has family members who are LGBT. Are they to be shunned until the child reaches 10, or 15, or 21? The idea that LGBT people are some tiny minority that can be ignored is just not realistic these days.

I know many CAF posters are in that situation themselves, having loved ones who are LGBT, and I hope to hear from them.

I’d like to hear from them, as well. I have a bisexual relative who is married to a member of the opposite sex, and I’ve often wondered how I’ll be able to teach my child the Catholic teachings on homosexuality without completely alienating this relative, who is very sensitive about such issues due to how her parents treated her after finding out about her sexuality.

 

[edwest2]

So far, no one has addressed the situation of a child who has family members who are LGBT. Are they to be shunned until the child reaches 10, or 15, or 21? The idea that LGBT people are some tiny minority that can be ignored is just not realistic these days.

I know many CAF posters are in that situation themselves, having loved ones who are LGBT, and I hope to hear from them.

But that’s not the subject of this thread. Perhaps one titled: How do you handle finding out one of your kids/family members is LGBT? would get the responses you’re looking for.

Ed

 

[BlueEyedLady]

I don’t really see the point in trying to hide it. If you send your kids to school, all it takes is for one of the other 20 students in the room to mention their gay parent/sibling/uncle/aunt and there it is. Or your child could walk into a room where adults are watching TV at an inopportune moment. Or, your kid could end up hearing other kids mock someone as “gay”, which is definitely not uncommon.

Much like anything else sexual, if you want to impart your values, you need to be the first person your child hears it from.

 

[pensmama87]

I don’t really see the point in trying to hide it. If you send your kids to school, all it takes is for one of the other 20 students in the room to mention their gay parent/sibling/uncle/aunt and there it is. Or your child could walk into a room where adults are watching TV at an inopportune moment. Or, your kid could end up hearing other kids mock someone as “gay”, which is definitely not uncommon.

Much like anything else sexual, if you want to impart your values, you need to be the first person your child hears it from.

I think yes and no.

Overall, yes. I don’t think we need to be putting our heads in the sand and pretending it will just all resolve itself. But kids do not need to know all the details of everything very young, and I think in some cases it can do more than harm than good.

I have lots of age-appropriate conversations about things. My oldest son even knows about pornography - even though he doesn’t know it’s called that. But have we talked about what to do if he sees a person or a picture of a person who is not dressed? You bet.

 

[ToeInTheWater]

But just because I don’t want it in my children’s faces when they’re young doesn’t mean I’m a religious extremist. I don’t want *anybody *making out in front of my kids or making suggestive jokes about sex and then flipping out when I say, “Hey, maybe cool it.” A person doing that isn’t going to spend much time around my children, or me, because it’s disrespectful.

I agree, I wouldn’t want straight people acting that way either. But I’ve read some CAF posts from those who state that they plan on essentially pretending that their gay relatives aren’t really gay, that even those who are in civil same-sex marriages, would only be welcome in their homes if they pretended their legal spouses were just “friends” or “room-mates”.

You seem to be conflating the idea that not wanting the behavior to be exhibited around our children means that we don’t want the people around, and I know for me that’s far from the case. My kids actually know several gay people already, who are relations or friends of my husband and me. But that’s not a part of their lives that we discuss.

Well, do your kids know those people are gay? Just because you don’t talk about it doesn’t mean they don’t know about it. And they don’t need to know details about the sexual behavior of gay people, anymore than they need to know details about straight sex to know that Aunt Minnie, married to Uncle Joe, is heterosexual.

ETA: DarkLight, your example about having a crush on a girl is also a reason why waiting until middle adolescence to discuss homosexuality strikes me as unwise. I’d even say waiting that long to discuss sexuality at all, is unwise. Maybe it worked 50 years ago, but unless you plan on homesteading in the middle of nowhere and only letting kids interact with a handful of chosen people, it’s not going to work now for most people.

 

[GEddie]

Children do not need, IMINWHO, to be told about alternative sexualities until they have had “the talk” about sexuality in general. Methinks they could be taught about both at the same time.

ICXC NIKA

 

[EasterJoy]

The most important thing to teach your child from the start about LGBT issues is that shaming or putting down people because they don’t act the way somebody else thinks boys or girls should act is not going to be tolerated. A boy should never be called a girl and a girl should never be called a boy as if that were an insult. No one should be kept from doing something at recess that they like to do or reading books they like to read because someone else doesn’t think it fits their gender.

They can hear that very early. Children do engage in that particular kind of cruelty without recognizing it as cruelty, if they are not taught otherwise. When you teach your child this, the message that they are to respect others will also imply that you are going to respect them, if they are the ones who don’t fit the pattern of their same-gender peers.

 

[pensmama87]

Well, do your kids know those people are gay? Just because you don’t talk about it doesn’t mean they don’t know about it. And they don’t need to know details about the sexual behavior of gay people, anymore than they need to know details about straight sex to know that Aunt Minnie, married to Uncle Joe, is heterosexual.

They’re 5, 3, and 11 months. No, they don’t know.

They are old enough to know that marriage is between a man and a woman, though, and I see no reason in the world at all to let them know right this instant “well, some people think that a man and a man can be married, too.” “Friends” is a neutral enough term and none of our gay friends or family object to that descriptor at present.

 

[pianistclare]

My personal preference is that kids have a solid foundation about moral and healthy sexual behavior first before we discuss what’s immoral and unhealthy. That would probably put those discussions toward later elementary/early middle school years, or around 12-13 years old.

Now the world may necessitate a few of those discussions earlier, but that to me would mean a violation of their innocence happened in some way. Which may very well occur, I’m not ignorant. But until then, I’m definitely focused on protecting and teaching as things are designed by God to work.

Amen.

 

[GEddie]

The most important thing to teach your child from the start about LGBT issues is that shaming or putting down people because they don’t act the way somebody else thinks boys or girls should act is not going to be tolerated. A boy should never be called a girl and a girl should never be called a boy as if that were an insult. No one should be kept from doing something at recess that they like to do or reading books they like to read because someone else doesn’t think it fits their gender.

They can hear that very early. Children do engage in that particular kind of cruelty without recognizing it as cruelty, if they are not taught otherwise. When you teach your child this, the message that they are to respect others will also imply that you are going to respect them, if they are the ones who don’t fit the pattern of their same-gender peers.

Kids learn cruelty from their friends and imitate it so as not to be rejected by those friends. That should be taught against the first time it appears, sexual issues aside.

ICXC NIKA