When others complain about spouses

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skigirl1689

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I am not married but I find a lot of my older relatives (yes, even my parents, at times they’re the worse!) and friends complaining about their spouses to me: their behavior, habits, beliefs, practically anything under the sun. I have asked them not to but to no avail. Some are my caretakers so it’s not like I can avoid being alone with them, so pushing the issue makes it worse for me. They just keep on complaining to me, the one who is always around. I keep quite as to keep the peace, but it is frustrating for me.

I know these people feel the need to vent about their frustrations and we as Christians should bear each other’s burdens, but I feel helpless when I hear of all these issues and knowing I can’t do anything to change what their spouses are doing (when I was younger I thought I could and it really messed up my personality for some time). Giving them advice does not help as they do not want to hear it anyway and that makes it worse as well.

Besides prayer, how do I let it not bother me as I know these people are not going to change their habit of coming to me to vent?

Thanks and God Bless!
 
Have you tried venting to them about the single life? That might do the trick.
 
If they just need someone to talk to, be a good listener. A good listener does not solve anything. A good listener listens; is empathetic; and shows compassion.

If they are being un-Christian, bashing their significant other, kick them in the head. I am single and very much dislike hearing people denigrate their wife/husband or girlfriend/boyfriend.

P.S.
I am just kidding about kicking them in the head. That dangerous and excessive. For safety, just punch them in the nose.
 
chevalier said:
Have you tried venting to them about the single life? That might do the trick.
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This is something I will have to try :). Honestly, it makes me sad they can’t see the good blessings of their marriages right in front of their eyes. I mean, it’s not like they’re dealing with really serious issues; they just don’t seem to like their spouses or appreciate them. I know some may think it’s easy for me to say that as I’m not married or have ever been in a serious relationship before. Sigh 🤷.
 
Perhaps the only thing you can do is listen until they stop. Then later after they are done, pray for them and their marriage. I have a family member like that and it is a severe trial. If I don’t listen she taken great offense. I have learned to have great patience with her when she speaks to me about other people in this way.
 
You could consider using positive phrases about both them and their spouses,
like the nun who was always charitable.

The other nun said, “You’d find something good to say about the ‘divil’ [devil] himself!”
“Well”, the charitable nun replied, “He’s certainly very industrious.”

Be like that nun. Find something good to respond about the complainer and complainee, with enthusiasm and good humour, because then the complainer doesn’t get jealous and feel you’re 'always on his/her side!
 
“I am not married but I find a lot of my older relatives (yes, even my parents, at times they’re the worse!) and friends complaining about their spouses to me.”

I think it’s way inappropriate for older relatives (parents, aunts, uncles, grandparents, etc.) to complain at length about their spouses to a younger relative.
 
mdgspencer said:
Perhaps the only thing you can do is listen until they stop. Then later after they are done, pray for them and their marriage. I have a family member like that and it is a severe trial. If I don’t listen she taken great offense. I have learned to have great patience with her when she speaks to me about other people in this way.
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Yes, I have a feeling this is the best course of action as I’ve tried asking them not to and it just does not help. I do pray a lot; I’ve been praying for one couple regularly for three years now, and though I don’t see a difference, I remind myself prayer always helps.

I find that when I am in the situation saying something positive about the other person does not diffuse the person but makes it worse. It’s a good idea, but it doesn’t work for me in these situations, unfortunately.
Xantippe said:
“I am not married but I find a lot of my older relatives (yes, even my parents, at times they’re the worse!) and friends complaining about their spouses to me.”

I think it’s way inappropriate for older relatives (parents, aunts, uncles, grandparents, etc.) to complain at length about their spouses to a younger relative.
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I do as well, but I’ve learned some people do things even when it is really not appropiate.
 
Here’s a possible line to cut off at least some of the complainers. “Have you talked to your spouse about this?”
 
It sounds like some really emotional or psychological problems they are going through. You might say, “I’m not a professional in marriage counseling, maybe you should see a therapist.” Or a Priest. Or ask them, “Have you prayed about it?” I say to myself sometimes,“be patient as your Father in heaven is patient with you.” So many things couples take seriously. Some things can be overlooked and not made into a big deal. I only complain when there is a moral or illegal issue…most of the time. You have to train yourself that the little things won’t bother you. Is that reality? It’s better than being in turmoil all of the time. There is no simple answer in relationships. I think these people feel comfortable confiding in you. But you can set boundaries and tell them “I’m not comfortable talking about_____.” Complaining about your spouse is not God’s way. If we could instead count the blessings of the spouse and be thankful for that.
 
acadiANNA said:
It sounds like some really emotional or psychological problems they are going through. You might say, “I’m not a professional in marriage counseling, maybe you should see a therapist.” Or a Priest. Or ask them, “Have you prayed about it?” I say to myself sometimes,“be patient as your Father in heaven is patient with you.” So many things couples take seriously. Some things can be overlooked and not made into a big deal. I only complain when there is a moral or illegal issue…most of the time. You have to train yourself that the little things won’t bother you. Is that reality? It’s better than being in turmoil all of the time. There is no simple answer in relationships. I think these people feel comfortable confiding in you. But you can set boundaries and tell them “I’m not comfortable talking about_____.” Complaining about your spouse is not God’s way. If we could instead count the blessings of the spouse and be thankful for that.
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Thank you for this thoughtful response. I do need to be more vocal about boundaries and not let it get to me. And I really try to remember they are just venting usually and then life goes on.

Thanks for letting me vent on here! Sometimes my life’s situation can be isolating but I try to make the best of it! :o
 
I just tell such people a funny story I once heard about a woman who goes to confession and spends an hour complaining to the priest about all her family members. The priest says ‘madam, for your sins say three Our Fathers - for the sins of your relations that you have confessed to me, say three hundred!’

It gets the point across in a good way.
 
I’ve always thought the best response to this was to respond exactly as you would if you knew the spouse (or other person being bad-mouthed) was standing right around the corner, behind the complainer, listening in without the complainer being unaware, a situation which the complainer is shortly to become aware, too. IOW, you don’t want to make a big deal out of the complaint. You want to soothe the feelings of the complained-about, but also to turn away the complaint in a way that attempts to cover for both the complainer and the complained-about, yet smooth over the faux pas.

Don’t take the side of either spouse, but take the side of the marriage and of your friendship with both. Be sure of this much: Some day, that will be your exact situation! 😉 😃

Seriously, though, the ones who want validation for their complaining will give up, because you aren’t giving them what they want, but the ones who are simply venting and really do want a better relationship will let you turn their frustration in a more profitable direction.

If the complainer wants someone on his/her side alone, tell her that people have to pay good money for that, these days! If there is the possibility that the complained-about really is abusive, the abused person will be more likely to see that if you don’t lose your temper and attack the complained-about spouse, but continue to see them as a human being and stick to treating the problem of how the couple might deal with the complained-about behavior in a positive way.
 
Many of my relatives often treated me the same way. I am married, have children and that did not stop them from dumping everything on me. I didn’t mind once in a while but it got to the point where it was interfering with my life and I never had enough sense to tell them to go elsewhere. Even my husbands family did the same thing until one day he stepped in and stopped them by *firmly *saying “that is not my problem and I don’t need to hear about it” Enough was enough. They didn’t like it, but they got over it and respected him for it.

Hindsight is 20-20, after reading your story I think that you need to set some new and healthy boundaries, sounds like you should tell them (gently but firmly of course) that you are not qualified as a therapist. Maybe they don’t realize that they could be causing you stress as well. Professional therapists will even limit the amount of time they will talk and the reason they do this is so they can keep a healthy emotional detachment.

Good luck to you and God bless.
 
There was a guy at my office a long time ago who used to constantly complain about his wife. He was like Archie in “All In The Family” constantly complaining about something. Day after day he would complain about his wife. We all tried to ignore him.

One day, one of the women had just had enough. She said, “Ed, if your wife is so bad, why don’t you just divorce her?”

Well, that shut him up, but only for a few minutes. He got real quiet. Then in a loud voice he said, “Well, I took her for better or for worse.” (Pause) For 38 years it was better. Now, it’s worse!"

I never met her, but I think his wife must have really been a saint.
 
skigirl1689 said:
**I know these people feel the need to vent about their frustrations **and we as Christians should bear each other’s burdens, but I feel helpless when I hear of all these issues and knowing I can’t do anything to change what their spouses are doing (when I was younger I thought I could and it really messed up my personality for some time). Giving them advice does not help as they do not want to hear it anyway and that makes it worse as well.

Besides prayer, how do I let it not bother me as I know these people are not going to change their habit of coming to me to vent?

Thanks and God Bless!
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They need to vent to their spouse. I am a married woman and I hate when other women do it to me. :mad:

No one should be complaining about their spouse to anyone BUT their spouse.

When they complain to you, tell them, This should be between you and “spouse name.” It is not my business and I don’t want to hear it.
 
Plus talking about other people, either divulging secret information or saying negative things is GOSSIP. The one who is speaking and the one who is listening are in a dangerous place with regard to this wrong behavior.

Please do not mistake listening to this rubbish as charity. If you can’t change the subject, say positive things about the one being complained about or otherwise control the direction of the conversation…I would recommend excusing yourself as soon as possible. And of course, pray always.

God Bless.
 
mcc804…I am glad you brought out that point. Whenever we siblings complained about another, so to speak, my mother would say, God made her just as He made you. Any child of God is worthy of love and respect. You can settle disputes but do not harbor resentment and let it go. Then, look at one another as if it had never happened. Now what I’m saying is what I learned. Grant it, my parents weren’t always right, but they wanted us to make choices that would please God. This worked in all of my school years. In the workplace, I found that other people have different values. I had to call on the Holy Spirit
often to have the right attitude to speak and act as God wants us to. Who would want to speak ill of his neighbor? Didn’t God make us all different? Speaking ill of someone is like speaking ill of God. Though GOSSIP seems to be a part of socializing, it causes great damage to humanity as a whole. It does not unite all to live in the light of Christ, which ultimately does not build the kingdom of God on earth. I welcome any comments.
 
chevalier said:
Have you tried venting to them about the single life? That might do the trick.
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What do you have to vent about if you’re single? How you leave the seat up or how you fail to put the lid on the toothpaste?
 
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