When should children be permitted to decide if they want to go to Mass anymore

[paxomatic]

Hi,

I am the father of three daughters living at home, and two, not interested in Catholicism step daughters living out of home in defacto relationships. I reverted to Catholicism some years ago, but my wife did not.

Of the three daughters at home, two are 9 and one is 16. I have been bringing these girls to mass with me most weeks. My wife in no way supports my decision to take my kids to mass, so whenever they kick up a stink, she sides with them.

My 16 year old, who is a beautiful girl who has never complained about going to mass, I am pretty sure only goes to please me. She is quite mature, and I certainly fear losing her to the “world”, but, she will do as she will by her own choice at some point and I have to lump it.

Should I allow her to decide if she wants to attend mass with me anymore? Is there an argument to be made that the choice is better freely made, than made out of some misplaced rebellion just down the track.

What are people’s thoughts?

Please note, my twin girls are much harder to get to mass, and I don’t how much of a battle I should have over this, especially if it threatens our marriage, or ends in argument.

Any thoughts on this as well?

Also note, I pray for them all, including my wife, but I really don’t expect my wife to start going to mass.

Thanks.

 

[Warandpeace]

My parents did alot of things wrong… but they took me to Mass. Forever grateful for that. Realize that they will hopefully feel different about this later. You also have an obligation to keep them from whatever sin you can (missing Mass being a mortal sin).

Oh yeah, expect them to convert. I did.

 

[Sillara]

My children live in my house?

Then they go to Mass.

When they don’t live with me, then they can avoid Mass.

 

[Molokai_fire]

Keep strong and encourage them to go to Mass. You are head of the household and can therefore make those decisions while your kids live at home. Tell them what it means to you and try and bring in interesting stories and facts relating to the Catholic Church… our Faith is anything but boring.
My parents also expected me to go to Mass till I left the house, and when I did it only made me more sure that I never wanted to stop going.
Ask your wife to support you, its so much easier that way

 

[RadRomCath]

All of your girls are past the age of reason which means they are accountable for their sins. Thus missing Mass and thereby breaking the Third Commandment is very serious. Would you let them play in the middle of the freeway if they threw a tantrum? That’s what letting them miss Mass is doing with their souls. As their father, it is as much your responsibility to get them to Mass and to otherwise protect their souls as it is for you to feed them and keep them physically safe. Failing to do so puts their souls at dire risk, as well as your own.

You express concern about the consequences of losing your 16 year old to the “world.” You must have some, at least vague idea of what those consequences are. The graces offered by the Church are the best safeguard against her falling prey to the “world.” I suppose you are certainly thinking about situations that would grieve you for temporal reasons as her earthly father. Are you likewise thinking about the eternal consequences for her soul?

You have a duty to keep your children safe spiritually as much or more so than in earthly regards. As long as they are minors or under your roof, you have no excuse for being permissive. Clear guidance should not cease even after that.

 

[Lady_Love]

My Father made me go to Mass every Sunday. It was NEVER an option. It was #1 priority in life, nothing was permitted to be considered more important.

Thank God for instrumental people in my life such as my Father and my confirmation sponsor. Because of them I opened my heart to faith in Jesus’ Eucharistic presence. Jesus revealed Himself to me in the Eucharist when I was in High School. I will never forget it, I fell to my knees.

My Dad also told me, “You do not belong to me. You are on loan to me from your true Father, God.” and that it is his job to make sure I return to Him. If the conversation ever arises that she does not want to go to church, tell her one big reason why you go every week, is to thank Him/God for the gift of her presence in your life.

 

[CatholicRaven]

My teenagers don’t give me much trouble about going to Mass, and that’s partly because I’m not the only one encouraging them to go! They are both involved in the Catholic Youth Group at our parish, so they’ve got other adults and friends who encourage them in their faith, too. I don’t know if you have that opportunity, or if your daughters would be willing to go to a Catholic youth group or club, but that might be something to look into.
I also encourage my kids to ask questions about Catholicism and seek out the answers (I help when they ask, or when I determine that they really need some guidance), and I often let them know about new resources that I’ve discovered (and lately, they’ve been doing the same for me–a bonus! lol). They like listening to explanations from entertaining and informative speakers (like Matthew Kelly), and selecting their own Catholic books that answer their questions and give examples of living our faith in Mass, and outside of Mass.

You are already a good example, and that’s so important! Let them see you living the faith, and growing in your faith, as well–oh, and don’t wear headphones when you listen to that Catholic audio book. You might also consider taking them to a Catholic book store and letting them each select one or two useful items for themselves–a book, a music or audio CD, a Miraculous Medal (ask your priest to bless it), etc.

Some Sundays, I only go to Mass to please God, because I can’t muster up the enthusiasm for myself when I’m tired or stressed. But I make the effort because I want to obey Him. So I think if your 16yo daughter is just being obedient and going to Mass to please you, that’s a good enough reason for now. However, don’t assume that’s the only reason (though sometimes, it might be). She may be getting more out of Mass than you realize–especially if she’s somewhat reserved and difficult to “read.”

I would also suggest that, if possible, you take your daughter(s) out for a treat after Mass at least occasionally, whether it’s a full-blown brunch, or just an ice cream cone at a fast food place. Just be sure when you do this to sit and enjoy it; don’t just drive-thru. Two benefits to this: it gives you some time with your daughter(s), without an agenda, to just talk; and it may encourage all the girls to choose to go to Mass with you without argument, if only so they might get a treat afterwards.

My dad used to do this occasionally with me. I was, and still am, close to my dad, partly because of those “little” (but very important) chats. Sometimes we discussed something we’d heard at Mass, or questions I had about the Church, but mostly we just talked about whatever was going on in my life at the time. It really helped me feel loved and accepted, and I think that’s extremely important for a teenage girl to get from her parents, especially from her dad. And it’s a great example of living your faith!

I also think you and your wife really need to come to some sort of agreement on this. If your wife feels they should not have to go, then allow her to explain to you why she feels that way. You may also need to gently explain how important this is to you, and that you need her to support you in this, if for no other reason than out of respect for you.

HTH!

 

[BettyBoop416]

My children live in my house?

Then they go to Mass.

This, in my experience, is a very short-sighted way of looking at the situation. I guess it all depends on what your long-term goals for your children are. I can’t think of a better way to insure that someone leaves the Church as a young adult than to force a teenager to go to Mass against his/her will. The second you don’t have the power to enforce your will on them, they’ll be done with Mass. I’ve seen it more times than I can remember.

 

[EasterJoy]

My children live in my house?

Then they go to Mass.

Having said that, the idea behind discipline is to make disciples. So while it is not OK to pretend that the truth is an individual choice or that God only merits worship from you in assembly with the people he gave you to navigate this world with only when it happens to suit you, it is also true that as your parent it is my duty that you get spiritual direction suitable to the trials you are going through. It isn’t just “you’re going, period”…it is “this is important, it is a foundational principle in this household–“As for me and my household, we will serve the Lord” (Josh. 24:15)-- so it’s not negotiable, but let’s talk. It needs to work, and not just be a pretense.”

 

[EasterJoy]

This, in my experience, is a very short-sighted way of looking at the situation. I guess it all depends on what your long-term goals for your children are. I can’t think of a better way to insure that someone leaves the Church as a young adult than to force a teenager to go to Mass against his/her will. The second you don’t have the power to enforce your will on them, they’ll be done with Mass. I’ve seen it more times than I can remember.

The problem is that the converse–just letting them decide to quit going–also leads to many young people leaving and never looking back. We’re talking about life support or resuscitation, here. It is not enough to have the right goal, and it is not enough to say this method or that of reaching it doesn’t work. A kid who doesn’t want anything to do with religion is a like a kid on the bottom of a pool.

 

[Reverie]

Are your children baptized Catholics?

Hi,

I am the father of three daughters living at home, and two, not interested in Catholicism step daughters living out of home in defacto relationships. I reverted to Catholicism some years ago, but my wife did not.

Of the three daughters at home, two are 9 and one is 16. I have been bringing these girls to mass with me most weeks. My wife in no way supports my decision to take my kids to mass, so whenever they kick up a stink, she sides with them.

My 16 year old, who is a beautiful girl who has never complained about going to mass, I am pretty sure only goes to please me. She is quite mature, and I certainly fear losing her to the “world”, but, she will do as she will by her own choice at some point and I have to lump it.

Should I allow her to decide if she wants to attend mass with me anymore? Is there an argument to be made that the choice is better freely made, than made out of some misplaced rebellion just down the track.

What are people’s thoughts?

Please note, my twin girls are much harder to get to mass, and I don’t how much of a battle I should have over this, especially if it threatens our marriage, or ends in argument.

Any thoughts on this as well?

Also note, I pray for them all, including my wife, but I really don’t expect my wife to start going to mass.

Thanks.

 

[pete_29]

When they move out of your house and live on their own.

 

[DarkLight]

When they move out of your house and live on their own.

Please don’t do this. I don’t talk to my parents about religion til this day because they tried to force me to go to their church as a young adult, just because I couldn’t find a job.

 

[pete_29]

Please don’t do this. I don’t talk to my parents about religion til this day because they tried to force me to go to their church as a young adult, just because I couldn’t find a job.

Even if you didn’t believe, couldn’t you have given them an hour of your time per week at a place that is obviously important to them.

 

[Cathhsmom]

Please don’t do this. I don’t talk to my parents about religion til this day because they tried to force me to go to their church as a young adult, just because I couldn’t find a job.

If that is the reason that you don’t talk to your parents, then I think that you are the one that needs to examine yourself. Expecting everyone in the house to go to church while they are putting a roof over your head and food on your plate is not a lot to ask. There has to be more to it than that.

 

[DarkLight]

Even if you didn’t believe, couldn’t you have given them an hour of your time per week at a place that is obviously important to them.

In my case, I found it offensive to my beliefs to go to that church with them. Actually, I still find their church incredibly offensive - I refuse sit for a couple of hours and be told how I’m going to hell. But in any case that’s a bit off topic - I was an adult, even if I had to live at home for a while between jobs and dealing with health stuff.

As far as kids - for an older teen I would consider why they don’t want to go. I think it’s a different case between a kid that just doesn’t want to get up, and a kid that has reasons or perhaps wants to go somewhere else.

 

[Bezant]

Are your children baptized Catholics?

The children’s religious uprbringing I think is the unanswered question here and will somewhat modify the approaches we give.

 

[pete_29]

In my case, I found it offensive to my beliefs to go to that church with them. Actually, I still find their church incredibly offensive - I refuse sit for a couple of hours and be told how I’m going to hell. But in any case that’s a bit off topic - I was an adult, even if I had to live at home for a while between jobs and dealing with health stuff.

As far as kids - for an older teen I would consider why they don’t want to go. I think it’s a different case between a kid that just doesn’t want to get up, and a kid that has reasons or perhaps wants to go somewhere else.

Point taken. I understand.

 

[Lovemyfaith]

Do you guys talk about church/faith/God? Do you guys talk about the readings after church? Do you stay a few minutes after church and say hi to other families? Are there other areas of your life where you wonder if your children should be allowed to opt out (going to the movies, out to dinner, visiting grandparents, family vacations)? Church should be a nice family event. Is there anyway your wife would consider going if it was presented as a time for the family to enjoy together? I know inter faith couples who attend church together. If you make it about a positive family experience, your wife might be open to spending time together.
I have always told my children they are not going to church for me, they are going for themselves.
I have a family member who never takes her children to see their grandparents. She told me they don’t want to go so she won’t force them. I wonder if she ever think about those same children bringing their children to see her.
I am praying for your family, and would really appreciate if you could say a quick prayer for my family.

 

[EasterJoy]

Please don’t do this. I don’t talk to my parents about religion til this day because they tried to force me to go to their church as a young adult, just because I couldn’t find a job.

In my case, I found it offensive to my beliefs to go to that church with them. Actually, I still find their church incredibly offensive - I refuse sit for a couple of hours and be told how I’m going to hell. But in any case that’s a bit off topic - I was an adult, even if I had to live at home for a while between jobs and dealing with health stuff.

As far as kids - for an older teen I would consider why they don’t want to go. I think it’s a different case between a kid that just doesn’t want to get up, and a kid that has reasons or perhaps wants to go somewhere else.

Hmmm…“they tried to force me to go to their church as a young adult, just because I couldn’t find a job”. You have the cause and effect a bit skewed. After all, if you had been without a job, but living with friends, then the expectation would have be different, no? It wasn’t your unemployment or your health that was the issue, then, was it? It was that you were still a member of their household.

You sound as if you think you have a right to have your parents support you, but they have no right to expect you to live by the rules of the house. Why do you think someone would have that right? Where does that right come from?

As for going to Mass, I’ve never had a priest at any time any where tell me or imply to me that any particular person, present or not, could be presumed to be going to Hell. It could be because the Catholic Church does not teach that. The Church does teach that certain life choices will objectively drive a wedge between the sinner and God, and division that must be healed before the person can have a relationship with God. I don’t see how preachers can get around teaching that without grave dereliction of duty.

Still, while priests generally believe that parents have a duty to see to it that those in their households do not neglect their religious duties, they are not wild to see those duties pressed upon anyone as if they are burdensome. If you are saying that it is wholly counterproductive to teach duty towards God without teaching the love of God for us and the immeasurable value to the soul to maintain a love for God as the basis of all service rendered to God, I would find that hard to quibble with. I am only saying that denying the indulgence of a few hours in church for no other reason than a desire to please those who support you in your hour of need betrays a certain amount of ingratitude. The sword of misunderstanding at your house cut both ways, then.