When Should I Tell Him?

[choose_to_love]

I’m with you on this one, cake, in the sense you have qualified it in your most recent post. Have you read or heard any Christopher West? West discusses apologizing to his wife for being unfaithful “in advance”, and IIRC, thought it was very liberating for him in that relationship. Pretty sure it is in the “Good News” book. I think in a sense you are apologizing for distorting the good of sexuality, or giving in to that distortion, away from self-giving to self-pleasure or a taking/use attitude.

That being said, I’m not sure you would need to discuss specifically whether or not you committed a particular act, or how often, etc., but rather how your understanding of sexuality, its place and function in marriage, our creation as male and female in the image of the trinitarian God was formed, how that has changed as your relationship with Christ deepened, and what you think it means in your (anticipated) marital life, if it gets that far.

 

[The_Bucket]

There are far worse dark secrets to have, and if someone confessed that one to me as a dark secret, I’d probably be relieved and say, “That’s it? That’s your dark secret?”

No kidding.

I’ll admit that I told my now wife about that past sin once things started getting serious. She was confused as to why I would tell her, mildly “grossed out” and then asked if I had gone to confession. I said, of course and then she inquired as to why I would bother telling her this then. I mean, no, she wasn’t like “oh hey yeah that’s OK” but she flat out said she figured most guys went through a stage where they struggled with it and told me I shouldn’t say anything more on the subject because it was irrelevant.

So, from personal experience, I’d say leave it alone. Men are far more susceptible to having this habit come back during their marriages, especially in rough patches, so maybe you’d say something about it if you were worried that it would affect your intimate life. Obviously you and God have the situation under control for now, so why bring it up again especially when you’re far less likely to deal with it during marriage?

 

[flyingfish]

My guess would be confessing this to him would only make him feel bad, not because he’d be hurt you do it, but because he probably does it on a regular basis and it would make him feel bad about himself because he’d now it’s something you think is terrible enough that needs to be confessed to him.

 

[crenfro]

Many blessings to you.

Here’s my two cents:

Keep going to confession frequently. That’s what ultimately removed this habit from me.

Also, from a twelve-step program I was in, when it came to making amends for past harmful behaviors I’d done, the program suggested we make direct amends wherever possible except where it would harm the other person.

This is something that may well fall into the category of harming the other person.

Thank you for your post and please pray for me.

I’ve been to confession since I stopped, and God’s grace and continued assistance have allowed me to permanently break the habit–it’s been more than six months now. I have, for the most part, forgiven myself, although I’ve never felt more sorry for anything in my life.

So my question: when do I tell him?

 

[puzzleannie]

this must be a generational thing because I am still not understanding the thinking. why would someone be willing to discuss, in detail, an intimate area of life, even one that includes matter for confession, with thousands of strangers on the internet, but agonize about sharing with someone with whom she is contemplating marriage? Why on earth would someone share this information at all except in the context of seeking direct help, if indicated, from pastoral or professional persons in a position to help? The generational conflict comes I think in attitudes toward reticence and privacy.

 

[The_Bucket]

this must be a generational thing because I am still not understanding the thinking. why would someone be willing to discuss, in detail, an intimate area of life, even one that includes matter for confession, with thousands of strangers on the internet, but agonize about sharing with someone with whom she is contemplating marriage? Why on earth would someone share this information at all except in the context of seeking direct help, if indicated, from pastoral or professional persons in a position to help? The generational conflict comes I think in attitudes toward reticence and privacy.

Well obviously with the anonymity of the Internet, people feel much freer in revealing things about themselves. After all, no one knows who you REALLY are. When you have to speak to face to face someone you love but are scared of rejection, you tend to keep your mouth shut out of fear.

 

[flyingfish]

this must be a generational thing because I am still not understanding the thinking. why would someone be willing to discuss, in detail, an intimate area of life, even one that includes matter for confession, with thousands of strangers on the internet, but agonize about sharing with someone with whom she is contemplating marriage? Why on earth would someone share this information at all except in the context of seeking direct help, if indicated, from pastoral or professional persons in a position to help? The generational conflict comes I think in attitudes toward reticence and privacy.

It would seem much more private to share this online with people who will never know who you are than to reveal this face to face to someone that knows you.

 

[momor]

this must be a generational thing because I am still not understanding the thinking. why would someone be willing to discuss, in detail, an intimate area of life, even one that includes matter for confession, with thousands of strangers on the internet, but agonize about sharing with someone with whom she is contemplating marriage? Why on earth would someone share this information at all except in the context of seeking direct help, if indicated, from pastoral or professional persons in a position to help? The generational conflict comes I think in attitudes toward reticence and privacy.

I think you are right that this is generational and also perhaps one of age. Being in my 50’s I cannot imagine exposing myself on a facebook page the way so many younger people do. That truly seems voyeuristic to me and just plain unwise.

I also think that with age comes a better understanding of personal boundaries. When 2 become one it does not mean that each spouse gives up their right to their own privacy and personal relationship with God. My husband and I agreed when we were dating that we would never talk about prior relationships because sometimes things can be said, perfectly innocently, that put a picture in someone’s mind that can never be gotten rid of. I know the OP’s motives are good but TMI can be harmful.

 

[kage_ar]

I don’t think so. Doesn’t it say in scripture to confess our sins to each other? I mean, you don’t receive absolution, but there is certainly nothing to prohibit you from discussing past struggles with your potential spouse.

The Catechism is clear, we are not required to tell our sins to anyone, except our priest.

Her confessor will advise her.

 

[puzzleannie]

It would seem much more private to share this online with people who will never know who you are than to reveal this face to face to someone that knows you.

not to me, that is why I think it is generational, its seems to me to border on exhibitionism (or would if I did it) to display intimate secrets of oneself on the internet. generational or not, it is naive to think that the internet is anonymous. In any case, I do not understand why anyone would derive any spiritual benefit from disclosing these matters to anyone not in a position to offer healing and help–a pastoral or professional counsellor, inside confession or in a therapeutic setting.

 

[joandarc2008]

I don’t think the fact that you are willing to share this information with him further down the line when you have more of an investment in your relationship is a bad thing - especially if that sharing happens naturally. You may find it even comes up during some of the discussion in the FOCUS testing. However, the fact that you are looking at this detail now before there is even an engagement ring on your finger or that you have such angst that he may leave or not respect you is not good. The story of the Prodigal Son is really not about the Prodigal Son. It is the story of the Running Father. Would you leave him if you found out through honest conversation that he was not a virgin? What if he had an anullment? What if he had masturbated? As you continue projecting and go through this you may actually come out on the other side laughing at the angst you feel now.

 

[jwashu]

Difficult to explain. I’ll do my best.

It’s not an issue of disclosing past sin. I don’t feel like I should tell him everything I’ve ever done, nor he, me. But if I were to sin by harming another person, through my words or actions, it would be unloving to simply go to confession and never apologize to this person for harming them–although this might be a penance–not because I need their forgiveness more than God’s but because harming someone injures your relationship. This is the exact reason for the sign of peace at mass–you’re supposed to reconcile with your brethren before receiving the Eucharist. Sinning against someone damages your relationship, which is a more or less unholy state. In a similar way, the sin of masturbation seems to be to be a sin against him (well, my future husband), in addition to being a sin against God, the Church, and myself.

Although I obviously made it sound like I thought I had to tell him sooner rather than later, it really only becomes an issue if I marry him. (Whomever I marry, it seems like it will be an issue.) As Catholics, the argument is often made that virginity is not the issue; chastity is. You save your sexuality for marriage. Obviously, I haven’t. And maybe I’m wrong about this, but it seems like a discussion that people who are preparing to marry have, about sexual purity. I can’t imagine that someone would not tell their spouse if they had been sexually impure with someone else, whether that was intercourse or something “more minor.” And I fail to see how this is different, at least on this level. I don’t think the common nature of a sin makes it any less severe.

I understand propriety–I’m not trying to give too much or inappropriate information. If it didn’t seem relevant or significant for the reasons I gave above, I wouldn’t even consider it. (I manage to–mostly–keep the oversexed aspect of mainstream society out of my life–I don’t discuss sexual issues more than is absolutely necessary, so being improper is not something I take lightly.)

Does this all make sense? Where is my reasoning flawed? (That’s an honest question, not a challenge.) It is perhaps something that shouldn’t be discussed until engagement? I know some of you will argue that it shouldn’t come up, ever, but I’m inclined to disagree, for the given reasons.

Thanks again for your (name removed by moderator)ut. (And jwashu: good point, the point about not telling him now.)

According to Fr Serpa here at CA it’s not a sin against him or anyone else. Masturbation is a sin because it serves no purpose except for self pleasure, it’s really a sin of selfishness, especially when single.

Now once a person is married, should they choose to continue this in place of their spouse then it’s a more complicated issue. However in general it’s a sin of selfishness that doesn’t truly harm anyone else which is why so many Priest seem to move it to the venial category for teenage boys who seem “addicted” (ie it’s beyond their control).

I believe you are being too hard on yourself and worrying too much. As others have said, if you made a good confession, you have been forgiven. As I say to others on this board often, treat sexual sins just like you would any others. Some tend to make anything sexual a major ordeal, even masturbation but that’s not the direction from the apologists as noted above. At the same time think about gossip? How many people let that go when they might quickly condemn masturbation or something else. And to me Gossip is much worse because of the negative effect it often has on an entire Parish.

We are human, we will fail from time to time in our sexually charged society, even if we can usually keep it at bay. While we hope never to fail, to me it’s better to fail when the sin only involves yourself and not anyone else than to bring them down as well (there are Biblical passages supporting this). This is not an encouragement to sin, rather should you fail again in the future, go to confession, get absolution and try to do better the next time.

Like those on the road to Emmaus, our faith and our walk with God is a journey that through His Grace we get better at as life goes on.

Joe

 

[thecakeisalie]

Again, many thanks–I really appreciate your willingness to share your points of view, those in total disagreement, those in favor, and those in the middle somewhere. I’ve done quite a bit of digging for guidance, trying to find an article on the Internet or something, but I haven’t been able to find anything, which is why I came here. The point has been made that my confessor might be the best source for assistance. Like many Catholics, I’m not exactly eager to talk to priests about my sins, especially my pastor, who knows me personally, but that’s really the best choice. I understand the confusion about my being able to make this information available to the Internet while wondering about disclosing it to my boyfriend (well, potential future husband); the reasons that others have already given are my own. I’m sorry if it makes anyone uncomfortable, that I’ve posted about this.

It probably is best to work on letting go of the misplaced guilt (misplaced since I’ve made a good confession and have been absolved) and just discuss it if (or when) it comes up. I just don’t want to be hiding something.

crenfro: Thank you. I see what you mean, that it may cause harm. You’ll be in my prayers.

joandarc2008: Thanks, and I understand what you mean. I think part of it is that I’ve been told “horror” stories, some as a young teenager, about not disclosing such things before marriage, one told by a priest in which a woman told her husband on their wedding night that she wasn’t a virgin, and he divorced her because of it. And no, I wouldn’t leave him for that, but I suppose my worry, due to my history, is that I tend to be more willing to accept people’s mistakes than many people I know. But the thing is that that’s love, and maybe I’m too willing to settle for something that looks like but isn’t really love. I guess I’m still learning what love is.

I’ll take everything that’s been said into consideration. And thanks again, very much.

 

[momor]

joandarc2008: Thanks, and I understand what you mean. I think part of it is that I’ve been told “horror” stories, some as a young teenager, about not disclosing such things before marriage, one told by a priest in which **a woman told her husband on their wedding night that she wasn’t a virgin, and he divorced her because of it. ** And no, I wouldn’t leave him for that, but I suppose my worry, due to my history, is that I tend to be more willing to accept people’s mistakes than many people I know. But the thing is that that’s love, and maybe I’m too willing to settle for something that looks like but isn’t really love. I guess I’m still learning what love is.

I’ll take everything that’s been said into consideration. And thanks again, very much.

I wish you the best of luck.

Virginity is a very legitimate issue that each person has the right to know, the sooner the better, as this can be a deal breaker for many people. Masturbation by yourself does not rise to this level.

 

[flyingfish]

not to me, that is why I think it is generational, its seems to me to border on exhibitionism (or would if I did it) to display intimate secrets of oneself on the internet. generational or not, it is naive to think that the internet is anonymous. In any case, I do not understand why anyone would derive any spiritual benefit from disclosing these matters to anyone not in a position to offer healing and help–a pastoral or professional counsellor, inside confession or in a therapeutic setting.

Sometimes it can be helpful to hear the experiences of other people. Any situation anyone is going through has most likely been experienced before by multiple others, and has been resolved by multiple others.

I also would imagine it would be really embarrassing to talk to a professional face to face about masturbation, I personally couldn’t do it.

 

[beckers]

Difficult to explain. I’ll do my best.

It’s not an issue of disclosing past sin. I don’t feel like I should tell him everything I’ve ever done, nor he, me.
Although I obviously made it sound like I thought I had to tell him sooner rather than later, it really only becomes an issue if I marry him. (Whomever I marry, it seems like it will be an issue.) As Catholics, the argument is often made that virginity is not the issue; chastity is. You save your sexuality for marriage. Obviously, I haven’t. And maybe I’m wrong about this, but it seems like a discussion that people who are preparing to marry have, about sexual purity. I can’t imagine that someone would not tell their spouse if they had been sexually impure with someone else, whether that was intercourse or something “more minor.” And I fail to see how this is different, at least on this level. I don’t think the common nature of a sin makes it any less severe.

Okay i understand this reasoning. I too have struggled with this same internal discussion. I have never had sex though i have done some unchaste things that i so wish i could take back . Not only because my spouse should have been the only one to share those experiences with but because i gave a piece of me to those men. I still think about those things occasionaly and weep from it. I so wish i could take those things back. It took going to confession and picking that cross up until one day I realized that the cross wasn’t there anymore. Jesus had healed me and gave me the strength to not fall into that sin(s) anymore.

Have I discussed them with my finance? NO.

I pondered long and hard whether to and even asked some friends whether to say anything. They all told me the same things. Don’t tell. Jesus forgave me for them so that was that. Its not hiding anything but I have confessed those sins, those actions and i am a different women now. At the time i thought viriginity and chaste went had and hand. They don’t. I now know differently. I changed on my own and my fiance knows my behavior now (and for the last couple of years). He probaly knows that there is something in the past but it is not important to him.

When we first started dating i kept wondering when is he going to ask, when am i going to drop the bomb and the facade of who he thinks i am and see the true person within me. The sinner, the damaged women? But he has never asked. Instead he has embraced the women that i am. He loves me for me. He doesn’t have to know every experience that made me the women i am today. Those mistakes and things in my past are things i wish i could take back but they made me the women i am today and i wouldn’t change that for anything.

Pray and Pray on it and then pray more. Learn to read him and his reactions to situtations. He frankly may not want to know especially if he has dealt with sexual sin in the past. Yes it may relive the guilty you have to tell him but it may cause him harm beause he may not really want to have the image of you masturbating stuck in his head.

 

[beckers]

this must be a generational thing because I am still not understanding the thinking. why would someone be willing to discuss, in detail, an intimate area of life, even one that includes matter for confession, with thousands of strangers on the internet, but agonize about sharing with someone with whom she is contemplating marriage? Why on earth would someone share this information at all except in the context of seeking direct help, if indicated, from pastoral or professional persons in a position to help? The generational conflict comes I think in attitudes toward reticence and privacy.

I don’t know if it is a generational thing or a comfort level. Some of my friends are compelete open books. They will share all there feels with anyone be it on facebook or face to face. I on the otherhand will share something but not very much. I am more private. I have been burned in the past and perfer to have a comfort level with people before sharing my life story.

And to me CAF isn’t private. I know a few of my friends roam these boards and my father is very active. I wouldn’t want him stubbling on to a thread and then call me up and asking me questions.

 

[Emily2009]

I think if you feel like you need to tell him, tell him. He probably won’t care too much. He may be upset, he’ll probably be very thankful you quit. If you get it off your chest and he forgives you for it, maybe, then, can you forgive yourself.

 

[joandarc2008]

I think he will be more relieved that in this great big world that supports such a culture of death that he found a woman that cares so much about chastity.

 

[Nessie86]

Someone may have already said this, but from my experience, it’s really better not to bring it up, especially not this early. If it’s in the past, and you’ve confessed it, then it’s been “erased”. God forgave you, and you need to let yourself move on. Don’t let yourself feel you are not worthy of a Godly man because of your past sins.

There’s a bigger reason that I found it was a mistake to bring up early in a relationship: for me, it actually led to unchaste behavior in the relationship! Yes it felt good to get it off my chest, but soon we were talking about our “common ground” with sexual sin, and eventually that led to more sexual sin. I never saw that happening, but for me it happened more than once, and I know others have probably experienced this phenomenon.

I would understand if you wanted to bring it up at some point, but I would honestly wait until you were engaged and closer to a concrete wedding date. Couple reasons: you will know each other much better at that point, and will be better able to work through issues together. Also, if temptations do arise, you’re closer to being able to fulfill your sexual impulses in a holy way, and it will be easier to wait until after the wedding if its a concrete date on the calendar.

Last bit of advice: enjoy dating! Enjoy being young and together and in love and relatively free of responsibility. I focused so much on getting married and the wedding when I was dating and engaged to my husband that I now realize I missed out a lot on the joys of dating and being engaged. Stop and smell the roses!

Good luck with everything, and my prayer for you is that sexual sin is never a burden in your relationship!