When someone asks you for a favour

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sugarmouse

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I have a friend who works for a Catholic organisation, and a couple of times now he’s asked me to give a talk at churches on behalf of that organisation. Usually, it’s because people can’t make it, so he’s asking me to fill in. I don’t enjoy giving them, particularly if they’re at churches I don’t know, and it stresses me out quite a bit, but I’ll do them if he really needs me to.

Today he sent me a message asking me to give TWO talks this Sunday morning at a church I’ve never been to. I don’t want to do them, and honestly, I don’t like that I keep getting asked to do them even though I’m not a member of the organisation (maybe he asks other people as well as me, I don’t know).

The thing is, I don’t really have an excuse to say no. Okay, I’d have to get up early to travel there, and I’d have to miss Mass at my own church, and I’d have to experience stress/nervousness by agreeing to do it. But there’s nothing physically preventing me, really.

I’ve not replied yet to say whether I’ll do it or not. I feel like if I say no, I’ll be sinning by being selfish - he’ll need to find someone else to do the talks, after all. How can you judge when it’s reasonable to refuse someone a favour?

I also don’t know what excuse I’m supposed to give - “No, I can’t do it”? Technically, I can, I just really don’t want to. I’ve got a feeling that if I say no, he’s only going to reply with, “Oh, it would be great if you did it, we don’t have anyone else, otherwise it’ll have to be cancelled” etc. until I feel like I have to say yes.

I guess, where do you draw the line between being charitable and being a doormat? I’m not even sure being a doormat is something a Catholic should be worried about, maybe it’s all part of being humble, I don’t know.
 
I won’t speak to whether or not you should do it, but a simple “I’m sorry, I’m unavailable” is all the reason you need to give if you decide not to. You keep your own calendar, and nobody else needs to know why or in what way you consider yourself unavailable.

If you choose to say no and the person comes back to pressure you, that’s on him, not on you. Pressure doesn’t have to change your mind unless you allow it.

I’ve prayed that God will lead you to the decision that will bring you peace.
 
Some of the stresses in my life have occurred when I was asked to do something that I did not enjoy. I have learned to say no though.

You can say you are no longer available to do this anymore, sorry, if it is not a close relationship. If they continue pressing, you can say, I understand but I really am unavailable. Repeat as necessary:)

If someone is assertive enough to ask you to do something a few times, u can be kindly assertive in your “no”.
 
People have given you good “how” answers.

I would add that I think it makes a big difference that

a) you don’t belong to the organization

and

b) you don’t have a personal tie to these parishes.

If it’s such a great organization, why can’t it field its own internal volunteers to do this?
 
The other three responses give some good insight. One thing for you to consider - do you feel this is something that God is calling you to do? If the answer is no, then it’s not something I would lose sleep over.
 
LundyLund said:
The other three responses give some good insight. One thing for you to consider - do you feel this is something that God is calling you to do? If the answer is no, then it’s not something I would lose sleep over.
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Right.

And a person with more enthusiasm for the project could do a better job doing the talks.
 
How can a person who is not affiliated with a program give an effective talk?
Bug out of it on the grounds that you’re not really able to speak to it. It’s the truth.
And if your friend can’t make the commitment either, not sure why he thinks he can strong-arm YOU into covering for him.
That’s daft.
 
sugarmouse said:
I have a friend who works for a Catholic organisation, and a couple of times now he’s asked me to give a talk at churches on behalf of that organisation. Usually, it’s because people can’t make it, so he’s asking me to fill in. I don’t enjoy giving them, particularly if they’re at churches I don’t know, and it stresses me out quite a bit, but I’ll do them if he really needs me to.

Today he sent me a message asking me to give TWO talks this Sunday morning at a church I’ve never been to. I don’t want to do them, and honestly, I don’t like that I keep getting asked to do them even though I’m not a member of the organisation (maybe he asks other people as well as me, I don’t know).

The thing is, I don’t really have an excuse to say no. Okay, I’d have to get up early to travel there, and I’d have to miss Mass at my own church, and I’d have to experience stress/nervousness by agreeing to do it. But there’s nothing physically preventing me, really.

I’ve not replied yet to say whether I’ll do it or not. I feel like if I say no, I’ll be sinning by being selfish - he’ll need to find someone else to do the talks, after all. How can you judge when it’s reasonable to refuse someone a favour?

I also don’t know what excuse I’m supposed to give - “No, I can’t do it”? Technically, I can, I just really don’t want to. I’ve got a feeling that if I say no, he’s only going to reply with, “Oh, it would be great if you did it, we don’t have anyone else, otherwise it’ll have to be cancelled” etc. until I feel like I have to say yes.

I guess, where do you draw the line between being charitable and being a doormat? I’m not even sure being a doormat is something a Catholic should be worried about, maybe it’s all part of being humble, I don’t know.
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“That doesn’t work for me.” “I’m sorry, but I’ve got other plans.” (You do - you have plans not to be there!) He doesn’t need an explanation.

You don’t have to be a doormat to be a good Catholic. No one can give from an empty well. On top of that, not everyone is given the same gifts - St. Paul wrote of this. Giving these talks is not an essential part of your faith.
 
Do these talks bear any fruit? Does the organization bear any fruit?
If it’s so important why isn’t someone from the organization doing it?
Are these talks, ‘an answer to a question that nobody is asking’?

Those are the things I would consider.
I was in a situation like yours recently. I went to a meeting to learn more about what I would be doing, and I came to the conclusion that I was being asked to solve a manufactured problem. I said, no thanks.
 
Everyone else has given great answers but would briefly like to share the two times when I shocked people with a “no” in the hope that it offers encouragement. Saying “no” can be very difficult and painful, but it passes once it is done and the weight has rolled off your back.

The first time was when I plucked up courage to quit cleaning the church on a Saturday morning. The Sacristan was unexpectedly aggressive, and I left feeling very upset. A week later she offered an olive branch recollecting that it was too much for me with everything else on my plate.

The second time was when I decided to stop counting the money and although the same Sacristan was very understanding, Father was shocked and very disappointed. Then I was upset but managed to plough on and say I wanted to volunteer for the First Holy Communion Prep classes, but needed to just give up that ministry to feel free to do so. The next second, Father’s face lit up with joy.

Both times were painful, but now I am busier than ever, but more energised, content and happier as I seem to have a focus because my activities/service all connect together. And feeling even freer as another ministry outside the parish folded. Prayers offered for you.:gopray:
 
You did not contract to do this. You are not even a member of the organization. You don’t need any excuse to say “no.”

Try:
*
I’m very sorry, but I don’t feel comfortable doing another one of those. You might think after a few, it would get easier, but it hasn’t. I’m very sorry, but you’ll have to find someone else or else re-schedule.
…

Thanks, that is nice to hear I did a good job, but I’m afraid the answer is still “no.” Thank you for thinking of me, but I’ve done enough to know this is not my forte.
…

I’m sorry to hear that, but if you just have to have me do something, you need to get my permission before you schedule me. You don’t schedule me and then tell me what a bad spot you’ll be in if I don’t do it. That doesn’t work for me.
…
David, I need to be firm and a little more blunt than I wanted to be: The answer is “no.” I am not going to change my mind and I do not want you to keep trying to change my mind. I wish you luck in finding someone willing to help you out. It isn’t going to be me.
…

No. Really. The answer is “no.” That’s it. I’m going to say “goodbye” now. Sorry. OK. No, you need to say goodbye, because I’m saying goodbye. Goodbye…*

I think that’s about all the text you’ll need, if you need a third of that. Practice a few times, and find a way to tell the truth in your own way. I’m guessing the first line plus, “I’m sorry to disappoint you, but yes, I really am sure. The answer is ‘no’.”
 
His_helpmeet said:
“That doesn’t work for me.” “I’m sorry, but I’ve got other plans.” (You do - you have plans not to be there!) He doesn’t need an explanation.

You don’t have to be a doormat to be a good Catholic. No one can give from an empty well. On top of that, not everyone is given the same gifts - St. Paul wrote of this. Giving these talks is not an essential part of your faith.
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No, do not say you have other plans when you don’t want him to ever ask you to do this again. Tell him you’ve done some and it was way too stressful and so you’re not doing any more. That is both true and gives him the important information that he needs to take the OP off of his list of possible speakers altogether.

In the future, OP, give this information directly after a volunteering experience proves to be too much for you. That way, the organizer will know he has a reduced speaker list to work from. He will be the one who has no excuse to call you.

Don’t worry about that, though. You don’t belong to the organization. Why would you ever have imagined that you’d find your way onto its volunteer list? 🤷
 
Depending on how close you are to the person, you could just tell your friend how much you dislike doing this. I have been asked to talk to school children about my job by several of my teacher friends. I used to say yes, but I found that I really disliked doing it. My friends have been understanding since I explained that I didn’t want to do it anymore.
 
You have gotten many good insights…I just have to say this:

It is NOT the virtue of humility to be a doormat.
 
Avila123 said:
Saying “no” can be very difficult and painful, :
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This ^

Me thinks that’s what this thread is all about. I personally also experience this issue and I don’t believe there is a solution for it. At some point, you just get to eventually make a decision by yourself for yourself.
 
My husband also has this problem. He feels like if he has to tell someone “no”, he has to justify it with a legitimate reason, other than “I do not wish to do that”.He feels he has to justify calling in to work for illness or bad weather. I think some people just struggle with no more than others.

Like this past week, the weather was prohibitive, there was ice on the roads. I would simply email my boss “I won’t be in to work today due to the inclement weather, see you Monday!” He feels the need to explain we live on a country road, which ices over quickly with a big hill, and he can’t make it out our neighborhood, or something like that. He was sick Monday and Tuesday with a nasty stomach bug. I would just say “Have a stomach bug, won’t be in the office”, he felt the need to explain he was running a fever and other details about his sickness, as if he had to justify that he was really sick.

I think in your situation, a simple “I’m sorry I won’t be able to do this, or any of these engagements in the future” would suffice, no need to explain that you are uncomfortable doing it, or busy, or you have other plans, just a simple, can’t do it. But I understand my perspective is different.
 
misspriss said:
My husband also has this problem. He feels like if he has to tell someone “no”, he has to justify it with a legitimate reason, other than “I do not wish to do that”.He feels he has to justify calling in to work for illness or bad weather. I think some people just struggle with no more than others.

Like this past week, the weather was prohibitive, there was ice on the roads. I would simply email my boss “I won’t be in to work today due to the inclement weather, see you Monday!” He feels the need to explain we live on a country road, which ices over quickly with a big hill, and he can’t make it out our neighborhood, or something like that. He was sick Monday and Tuesday with a nasty stomach bug. I would just say “Have a stomach bug, won’t be in the office”, he felt the need to explain he was running a fever and other details about his sickness, as if he had to justify that he was really sick.

I think in your situation, a simple “I’m sorry I won’t be able to do this, or any of these engagements in the future” would suffice, no need to explain that you are uncomfortable doing it, or busy, or you have other plans, just a simple, can’t do it. But I understand my perspective is different.
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Well, when it comes to calling in sick, it doesn’t hurt to say “I am throwing up” or “I have something serious and I have every reason to believe it is also contagious.” When calling in about inclement weather, it doesn’t hurt to say, “I cannot make it in safely, and I’m concerned that I can’t make it in and back, period.”

Why the difference? Because a) you’re excusing yourself from a real obligation, rather than turning down something that is not an obligation and b) it is unfortunately common in our times for people to excuse themselves from real obligations for very weak or even falsified reasons.

You especially don’t want to be mistaken for those unreliable co-workers who always seem to get the Fine Day Flu. If you have to excuse yourself when it might seem you’d be tempted to want to excuse yourself, giving reasons that you really can’t meet your obligation is more important.

In the OP’s case, I’d be inclined to give a reason in order to discourage the friend from ever asking again. Saying “yes” so many times created the expectation that a “yes” is a good possibility for the future. Extinguishing that expectation for the future will take more than one simple unexplained “no.” You also don’t want the caller to wrongly conclude that the sudden turn-around means you’re angry at him or don’t want to ever do him a favor at all. You want to send a more specific message: In the future, don’t ask me to do this particular favor again.
 
Yes, but a no is easier once you start practicing.

No, sorry I can do it anymore or no I’m an it available cuts the chit chat and the reason is no one’s business. I never give anyone ammunition to keep asking or pressing. I personally find that the less details, the less debate. People feel compelled sometimes to overcome objections. Kwim?

No, I don’t think can do that anymore but thank you for asking is polite.

But whatever the op is comfortable with.
 
pianistclare said:
How can a person who is not affiliated with a program give an effective talk?
Bug out of it on the grounds that you’re not really able to speak to it. It’s the truth.
And if your friend can’t make the commitment either, not sure why he thinks he can strong-arm YOU into covering for him.
That’s daft.
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I like this explanation, although from the opening post it sounds like he may have already given talks, so I don’t know how effective it would be now…

Here is an article stating basically that “You don’t have to explain yourself”.

reddit.com/r/LifeProTips/comments/2djdc0/lpt_dont_give_excuses_or_long_winded_explanations/

I took that advice when someone overstepped his bounds in a Catholic organization I am involved in and promised our time (without our consent) for some mickey-mouse gardening help 50 miles from my house. I didn’t go, and he ended up resigning from the group.
 
sugarmouse said:
I guess, where do you draw the line between being charitable and being a doormat?
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Are you doing things for others because you’re afraid they won’t like you, or are you doing them because you happened to look at a Crucifix and found out what love is?
 
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