When to tell your family you’re pregnant?

[Catherine_W]

My husband and I have been married for almost two years. We are very happy and are a great support to each other in our faith. We have been trying to achieve a pregnancy for about 6 months and I was beginning to worry about infertility… however today I got a positive pregnancy test!! Thanks be to God!

So the issue is when should I tell my parents and how. I am 24 and my mom still sees me as a little child, she was very troubled with me getting married “so young” and had hoped that I wait 10 years after marriage before having children. She also recently broke her ankle and needs surgery – I will be taking care of her these upcoming weeks. I’m afraid if I tell her I will send her in to a depression on top of her pain and suffering she is going through with the broken leg. But if I don’t tell her soon, I fear she will be very resentful to me and especially my husband. A few weeks ago she was visiting and let out a lot of her feelings of dislike for my husband (she said it to me and him – I got very upset and a big argument resulted), many things that are completely made up and not founded in any truth. For example, she thinks I dress too modestly – and therefore assumes my husband is forcing me to dress this way. On one hand I am very close to my mom, but on the other her dislike of my DH has been driving us apart. I don’t know what to do. This is my first pregnancy (I can’t really believe it – I feel like I must be dreaming) so this is all new to me.

Any advice or personal experience would be greatly appreciated.

 

[kage_ar]

Best to wait til you are through your first trimester - have some time where it is you and DH little secret

 

[Rafaela]

My mum also had problem with me getting married too young, I was 22 at the time… My mum also hoped Id wait to nearer 30years of age for children. The funny part is, when we were in my home last time, I was about 9weeks pregnant(had known it about a month), and my mum kept me a huge sermon, on how even if we are married we should not even think about having children since this would be irresponsible. One week from that I got affirmation from doctor, that I was 10weeks… What comes to dressing I wear long skirts and love them, my mum thinks that ‘the church’ is forcing them upon me (She is an agnostic) . I am on my first one now too (29weeks 5days today).

We told my parents when I was 14weeks, that is because up to that (12-14weeks) miscarriages are sadly common. One of my best friends in our church having just married was also pregnant and so happy, telling everybody in week 5 and so on, well few weeks later when I saw her again, she had lost the child. :bighanky: So if I was u, I would hold on telling up to at least 12weeks of pregnancy, but of course if situation arises (Why aren’t you drinking wine?!) then go ahead and tell.

Congrats and may God bless you!

 

[KathyA]

My parents were very reluctant grandparents…especially my mom. We waited about a month and then gave them a baby picture frame with a note that said “To be filled around Thanksgiving”. I wish I could say that she came around and warmed up to the idea, but sadly, she did not. Two years later I had another baby and then 13 years later another. Only with the last one (and after she was diagnosed with terminal cancer) did she even show any affection. She had watched him for a few minutes one day while I ran an errand. When I returned I found the two of them on the couch, with my son fast asleep. She had a look of absolute terror on her face and said, “He was crying so hard, I didn’t know what to do!” That was a very enlightening moment for me. I know that she loved my kids, but she had a difficult time showing it. I have found that people just have a hard time with change.

Congratulations and good luck. I’ll say a prayer for you and all young mothers.

Kathy

 

[smallcat]

First of all, congratulations!

Ordinarily I say tell your folks as soon as possible- it’s a joyous occasion and they’ll probably know if you miscarry anyway. However, in your case, I think waiting until the end of the first trimester is prudent. You won’t have her disapproval hanging over your head while you’re caring for her, and you can explain later that you and DH were simply waiting until the second trimester (or until you heard the heartbeat, or whatever) to tell anyone.

Best of luck!

 

[MercyMia]

Whenever you and your husband feel like it Don’t get bogged down in others expectations. You’re gonna be a momma now, this means you have to get used to taking charge for your new family and trust me sometimes people in your family won’t like it.

 

[budgie2]

Sad that you don’t have family support in living according to the teachings of the Church and perhaps your mum needs a bit of guidance. I don’t know her faith. So don’t worry. Tell her when you feel ready. I didn’t have that problem with my mum but I had that problem with my in-laws who wanted us to postpone the wedding for another year. My in-laws are protestants.

 

[SMHW]

So the issue is when should I tell my parents and how.

Since your mother seems like maybe she will not take your joyness news in the right spirit I would generally think you should take the advice of others and wait until the end of your first trimester.

…however…

Since you are supposed to be taking care of your mother during this upcoming period you will be spending a lot of time around her. If you feel poorly during your first trimester it may become unrealistic to delay telling her you are pregnant. Your mother may figure it out by herself. In that case you might just as well “'fess up”. If she still insists on giving you grief you can only tell her that you love her and want to help her but you are no longer her little girl; you are now the mother of her grandchild and the wife of her grandchild’s father. If she’d like the wife and mother to help her then fine, otherwise you’ll get on the phone and find her a home health aid.

 

[former_Catholic]

The traditional rule was always to wait until after the end of the first trimester before making any announcement because miscarriage always was (and still is) common in the first trimester, and so the idea of the traditional rule was to spare the woman the grief of all the relatives asking “so when is this baby supposed to be born?” and her having the horrendous stress and grief of having to explain over and over and over to anyone and everyone about having caught a horrible flu that resulted in a miscarriage. Having once myself caught a horrible flu that resulted in a miscarriage, I was grateful that I had followed the traditional rule about not announcing until after the end of the first trimester.

 

[rpp]

I would suggest that you should probably not tell anyone you are pregnant until you are, in fact, pregnant.

Failure to follow this rule has gotten more than a few women in trouble.

 

[Bluegoat]

The traditional rule was always to wait until after the end of the first trimester before making any announcement because miscarriage always was (and still is) common in the first trimester, and so the idea of the traditional rule was to spare the woman the grief of all the relatives asking “so when is this baby supposed to be born?” and her having the horrendous stress and grief of having to explain over and over and over to anyone and everyone about having caught a horrible flu that resulted in a miscarriage. Having once myself caught a horrible flu that resulted in a miscarriage, I was grateful that I had followed the traditional rule about not announcing until after the end of the first trimester.

This is a pretty good guideline, but one which can easily be derailed by morning sickness. If you are really ill, or even just dead tired, you may find that you need to give an explanation to those who are close to you. In that case, you might ask them not to pass it on until the 1st trimester is over, if that is your preference.

It would however, be a good excuse if you want to keep it quiet.

I would also say though, if you tell the other grandparents-to-be, you really need to tell your parents or there could be resentment.

 

[pamnbam]

Congratulations on your pregnancy!

But your mom sounds like a carbon copy of mine! My mom would say things that would try to drive me and DH apart. I’m 28 now, but I was always the “good” child growing up: honor student, obedient, etc., (and I was the youngest), that when I got married, my mom felt like she lost her “baby.” I felt like I was in the middle so much. . .

Just stop. You’re all grown up, now. You’re married, you have a child on he way. You need to let your mom know that you and family are a new unit now, and she needs to cut the apron strings. I wouldn’t tell her you’re pregnant just yet, simply because you should wait until at least 13 weeks (the “safe” point).

But I sense that you’re feeling torn between your mom and your DH. You don’t need the stress of trying to please Mom, especially with a little one on the way. Now that I’ve “drawn a line in the sand,” I feel much better and less of “playing referee.” It will continue until you put your foot down, and you don’t have to be mean about it. You can do it in a respectful way. If my mom tries to say bad things about my DH, I would just say “Mom, I don’t want to hear anything negative about him.” It’s gotten much better over the past months. You can do it!

 

[kristie_m]

I think with my oldest we waited 3 months, with the second, it was after the first dr. appointment at about 8 weeks. I can’t remember what we did with the 3rd. I will say this…if you tell people very early, the pregnancy can seem like it’s taking FOREVER. Waiting a while for us, had the benefit of us sharing a little secret, and it was kind of a bonding force…before all of the unsolicited advice started.

Congratulations!!!

 

[budgie2]

I had a miscarriage with my first baby. Under normal circumstances I would tell my parents as they were invaluable support to me when I had my miscarriage and my mum stayed over night when I miscarried. We also had “a wake” following the miscarriage and all my relatives came to see me. It depends on whether you think your mum will cause you extra stress in which case you may decide to wait but my own mum is very supportive.

 

[iluvmybabies]

Oh hon I was there too when I first got married…First baby and all after a year…It was a great gift for me, but not for my then husband nor my family…Everything I have ever done and chosen is wrong! Just like it’s my fault I am fat, as if I make myself blow up like a ballooon!! LOL Anyhow, I just recently learned about NFP and how a great gift children are, now I can not have children, am only 30 and have huge health problems…And was told I was now infertile…Huge disappointment since I hoped after marriage that GOD would be blessing us with children but I guess we will have to do without such blessings…

Honestly, I no longer give a **** about what my family tells me, I hear them but I don’t listen…Because that is just another way of manipulation tactics they play…I don’t think it’s fair…Family doesn’t take care of me nor support my children, I don’t think they should be allowed to tell me how to live my life. YES that if I could I would be able to have a better life, but at the present moment, with all economical problems there is just no way to live better than how I am living…YES it’s not all that great to live poorly but hey I am learning about life the hard way and learning how to survive in this setting…Yes I could be like my sister and marry for money, or make my “husband” work 18 hour shifts 7 days a week like my sister’s hubby does, but honestly the only things we need are the roof over our heads the transportation, food, water, electricity clothes on our backs and car insurance! LOL Everything else is not really all that important…Believe me there are times when we are scraping for food but I am trying the best and that’s the best I can do.

If you chose to have 10 children, GOD BLESS, and as long as your health can take it, go for it…If you decide NFP is better for the next 20 years and then give children another try, well there you go…It’s your choice, and of course with GOD first, children are a blessing and who cares about what your family has to say about your husband…As long as he’s a good loving husband anything else is not important…

My parent’s are very judgemental, and to them no man is perfect unless he’s wealthy and around where I have ever lived never found any wealthy men so that kind of puts me into the “loving a man for love not money!” lol

So congratulations, GOD bless and take care. Don’t worry too much about what they say, you need to be relaxed and enjoy your pg as much as possible with hubby…You are both truly blessed…

Take care and good luck!

 

[Catherine_W]

Thank you everyone!

Last night my DH and I read over your responses and discussed it ourselves. We decided to wait a little to tell our parents, at least until after our first doctor appointment. Then maybe we can show them the sonogram picture when we tell them, maybe the little baby will soften their hearts. I like the idea about having a little secret for a few weeks at least.

My mom is difficult, she loves me very much but she has a hard time accepting that I am an adult person that has to make my own decisions - and they might not be the same as hers. She is Catholic, has been her whole life - but has not been well education on the faith. She is very pro-life, she goes and prays in front of abortion clinics, etc… but I don’t think she has internalized the gravity of contraception or a contraceptive mentality in a couple using NFP (she would have liked me to use NFP to avoid pregnancy for 10 years while I obtain an excellent career). She has big dreams of me having a great career, and she really wants me to be a doctor. I feel this is her number one goal for me. She thinks children will ruin my career and that is why she can’t handle it very well. I don’t share her passion for a career. If I need to work to help support my family I will, but this is not my priority. My mom has gotten wrapped up in the notion that a career is what makes a person successful and happy. She really never had one, because she stopped working to raise my brother and I and she had difficulty getting a job because my dad was in the military and we moved very often.

I guess I will have to learn to be firm but loving and not let her sadness affect me. I don’t know how to do this exactly yet. I feel that sometimes I act too much out of anger when I am trying to be strong. I don’t know exactly what boundaries to set up, I hope through prayer and with guidance from a good and holy priest I will eventually handle this in the best way possible. If you all have any more advice regarding breaking the news or about how to set up appropriate boundaries out of love, I would greatly appreciate it.

Thanks again!

 

[Red_Meg]

Catherine–

You’ve gotten loads of good advice. I do sympathize with your situation-- my mother wasn’t entirely pleased when I announced I was getting married at twenty. Same projected career aspirations-- I was the first in the family to attend college, and she had big plans for me to do something amazing. I think she was hoping space program or something… Anyway, I had to kindly and respectfully stand my ground as an adult. It worked out pretty well. The funny thing is now, out of myself and three grown siblings, I’m the only one who is married or has had any children. Plus she now has many friends her own age bemoaning their lack of grandchildren. So now she feels she has loads to brag about (in the best possible sense of the word) with her eight grandchildren instead of her daughter’s career. Heh heh heh…

One other note, however, that I haven’t seen come up yet. Some women go through enormous hormone-induced emotional upheaval during pregnancy, especially the first trimester of the first pregnancy. Twelve or fourteen weeks straight of PMS-like touchiness and moodiness would not be too extreme a description of it. This is not to discourage you, but just to arm you ahead of time, since you will be in close quarters during your mom’s recovery. Even innocent remarks may feel like harsh words. Do what you can to prepare mentally, and while taking care of your mom don’t forget to still take care of yourself, especially with regards to resting, eating as your situation dictates (some women end up needing something small in their stomach almost continually) and getting enough fluids. Getting enough sleep and keeping your blood sugar on an even keel will better help you keep a sane mood and perspective while under stress.

Very best of luck, and congratulations!

Margaret

 

[Rafaela]

Some women go through enormous hormone-induced emotional upheaval during pregnancy, especially the first trimester of the first pregnancy. Twelve or fourteen weeks straight of PMS-like touchiness and moodiness would not be too extreme a description of it.

Just wanted to say that this is so true! I was crying a lot in my first trimester, and when my husband would ask what is wrong, I could not really tell… Another thing is that definitely it might be better idea to have many small meals than couple big ones specifically when the nausea starts, after learning this, my condition got so much better… Wish I knew it from beginning

All the best for you and your baby

 

[samovila]

I had a miscarriage with my first baby. Under normal circumstances I would tell my parents as they were invaluable support to me when I had my miscarriage and my mum stayed over night when I miscarried. We also had “a wake” following the miscarriage and all my relatives came to see me. It depends on whether you think your mum will cause you extra stress in which case you may decide to wait but my own mum is very supportive.

I totally agree. You say you are close with your mom. I think if you would lose the baby you would probably want her to know anyway. She may surprise you with how happy she is to welcome a baby into the family. Even if she isn’t at first, she probably will be after the initial shock wears off.

 

[Liberanosamalo]

I’d wait and tell her sometime around baby’s first birthday.

Seriously… you’re going to find out that the world tells you all kinds of things you need to know when you’re pregnant and a new mother. Not so much advice on how to let go of the little people you’ve been protecting with your own life for 20-some years now that they aren’t so little.

That’s where your mom is now. She sees herself still as a wall between you and disaster. Hopefully she is completely wrong about your husband. Or maybe she’s one of those mothers who thinks no one is worthy of her daughter.

As for her career aspirations for you… just smile and tell her “Mom, you were such a good mother… it’s all I’ve wanted to be my whole life. Just like you.” Rinse. Repeat.

What’s she going to say to that?

Practice in a mirror so it looks genuine.

Good luck.