When to tell your family you’re pregnant?

  • Thread starter Thread starter Catherine_W
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
Hi again,

If any of you are around, I need your help. As I said my mom broke her ankle and needs surgery. She broke her ankle almost two weeks ago. I spent the 1st week with her and then came home for a week, and then planned to go back to help her the day before the surgery and help her for two weeks of recovery after surgery. Well today she is in a fit. She is very emotional and crying and very sad and angry that I wasn’t with her this past week. Now she is telling me not to come help her - with lots of anger in her voice. She says if I come she won’t get the surgery. This past week I have not been with her is when I discovered I was pregnant - and I really needed that time to be with my husband and make plans for a doctor and such. I don’t know what to do, should I just take her anger towards me or should I explain what happened this week (that I am pregnant). Was it bad of me to not have been with my mom this past week? She just got off the phone with me and she is acting crazy. My dad is there with her and was going to take her to the doctor today, but now she is insisting that she will drive herself, etc. I’m pretty sad and nervous about all this - maybe it’s the prego hormones.

I would really appreciate your help.
 
Catherine_W said:
My husband and I have been married for almost two years. We are very happy and are a great support to each other in our faith. We have been trying to achieve a pregnancy for about 6 months and I was beginning to worry about infertility… however today I got a positive pregnancy test!! Thanks be to God! 🙂

So the issue is when should I tell my parents and how. I am 24 and my mom still sees me as a little child, she was very troubled with me getting married “so young” and had hoped that I wait 10 years after marriage before having children. She also recently broke her ankle and needs surgery – I will be taking care of her these upcoming weeks. I’m afraid if I tell her I will send her in to a depression on top of her pain and suffering she is going through with the broken leg. But if I don’t tell her soon, I fear she will be very resentful to me and especially my husband. A few weeks ago she was visiting and let out a lot of her feelings of dislike for my husband (she said it to me and him – I got very upset and a big argument resulted), many things that are completely made up and not founded in any truth. For example, she thinks I dress too modestly – and therefore assumes my husband is forcing me to dress this way. On one hand I am very close to my mom, but on the other her dislike of my DH has been driving us apart. I don’t know what to do. This is my first pregnancy (I can’t really believe it – I feel like I must be dreaming) so this is all new to me.

Any advice or personal experience would be greatly appreciated.
Click to expand...
Well, if you have a “sticky baby” you can tell them any time you are sure. Sometimes, they are not so sticky. We found out with our first. We had a big announcement planned at Christmas. Early Christmas eve morning, the spotting began. We were at about 12 weeks. It became a very strange Christmas. After that, we stuck to the 12 week thing from then on.

A couple we knew from work announced to us that she was pregnant. A month later I saw her and asked “how’s momma doin’?”

At that point she told me that she lost the baby. I was not prepared with what to say. I had no experience in this. I felt awful and embarrassed.
 
Do NOT let your mom manipulate you, sweetie. From what your’e saying, it sounds like telling her your reasons for staying home probably won’t help. She seems to be completely focussed on herself, and on making sure that she keeps you under thumb, one way or another. You can, if you wish, calmly explain that you were needed at home this past week, and that you are happy to assist in her recovery, but if she prefers to go it alone, you will, of course, respect her wishes.

Yes, hormones can make everything seem 1000 times worse than they are, but it sounds like you may be better off taking a step back if at all possible. I know she’s your mom, and it’s tough, but keeping yourself and your baby away from that kind of stress is way more pressing than her broken ankle. Just keep your eyes on that priority. And you can always come and vent to us!! 😃
 
Catherine_W said:
My husband and I have been married for almost two years. We are very happy and are a great support to each other in our faith. We have been trying to achieve a pregnancy for about 6 months and I was beginning to worry about infertility… however today I got a positive pregnancy test!! Thanks be to God! 🙂

So the issue is when should I tell my parents and how. I am 24 and my mom still sees me as a little child, she was very troubled with me getting married “so young” and had hoped that I wait 10 years after marriage before having children. She also recently broke her ankle and needs surgery – I will be taking care of her these upcoming weeks. I’m afraid if I tell her I will send her in to a depression on top of her pain and suffering she is going through with the broken leg. But if I don’t tell her soon, I fear she will be very resentful to me and especially my husband. A few weeks ago she was visiting and let out a lot of her feelings of dislike for my husband (she said it to me and him – I got very upset and a big argument resulted), many things that are completely made up and not founded in any truth. For example, she thinks I dress too modestly – and therefore assumes my husband is forcing me to dress this way. On one hand I am very close to my mom, but on the other her dislike of my DH has been driving us apart. I don’t know what to do. This is my first pregnancy (I can’t really believe it – I feel like I must be dreaming) so this is all new to me.

Any advice or personal experience would be greatly appreciated.
Click to expand...
CONGRATS! 👍

I haven’t read the other replies, but I wanted to give my insight!

1st, your pregnancy is your & your husband’s news. He needs to be in on the decision who and when to tell. I personally don’t tell anyone outside my immediate family until after 12 weeks (when threat is miscarriage lowers). However, I’ve very close to my immediate family. This last pregnancy I had I didn’t tell anyone outside the immediate family until I was 20 weeks pregnant (well, except for on CAF).

2nd, I know its hard, but you are an adult & married now, so your mom’s approval/disapproval shouldn’t bother you as much. I feel for you on that aspect b/c I have an aversion to feeling like I’ve disappointed my mom (or any ‘adult’).

3rd, It doesn’t sound like your mom respects you, your husband, or your marriage. I’m not entirely sure that your mom is a good influence on you at this point. For her to verbally abuse you & your husband (saying she didn’t like him, etc) to your faces is not a good sign. Although it may sound vindictive, I wouldn’t want to tell her I was pregnant either - darn her feelings.

4th, If you want/need to tell someone you’re pregnant but worry about their reaction, tell someone else. I don’t think it should be your concern whether she gets depressed or whatever over your pregnancy. Obviously you are happily anticipating your baby & you shouldn’t subject yourself to someone who is going to be negative about it.

I realize that some of my advice may seem harsh and even possibly self-serving, but you absolutely have to protect yourself from someone who wants to be Debbie Downer - especially if you’re already afraid there’s an impact to your marriage!

In your shoes, I would tell her and immediately leave/hang up if she began ranting about how young you are & how horrible this is for you/her. If she’s happy for you and encouraging, I would continue speaking to her about it. I would also have a sit down (w/ or w/o your husband as you see fit) and explain to her that she should NEVER stick her nose in your marriage w/ express permission/request from you. I would inform her that she hurt your feelings and that you love her, but you are now going to cling to your husband. Scriptures told us to do it this way, and there is a reason for it! Good luck!
 
Catherine_W said:
Hi again,

If any of you are around, I need your help. As I said my mom broke her ankle and needs surgery. She broke her ankle almost two weeks ago. I spent the 1st week with her and then came home for a week, and then planned to go back to help her the day before the surgery and help her for two weeks of recovery after surgery. Well today she is in a fit. She is very emotional and crying and very sad and angry that I wasn’t with her this past week. Now she is telling me not to come help her - with lots of anger in her voice. She says if I come she won’t get the surgery. This past week I have not been with her is when I discovered I was pregnant - and I really needed that time to be with my husband and make plans for a doctor and such. I don’t know what to do, should I just take her anger towards me or should I explain what happened this week (that I am pregnant). Was it bad of me to not have been with my mom this past week? She just got off the phone with me and she is acting crazy. My dad is there with her and was going to take her to the doctor today, but now she is insisting that she will drive herself, etc. I’m pretty sad and nervous about all this - maybe it’s the prego hormones.

I would really appreciate your help.
Click to expand...
No, it certainly wasn’t bad for you to not have been with her for the entire time she wanted you to be. In fact, it was very good of you to spend that one week with her.

Your mom sounds like a manipulative person, and you may need help in dealing with this. Manipulative people try to make you feel guilty when you don’t do things their way. If you don’t learn how to handle this it can be devastating for you.

Your husband comes first in your life, and many blessings to both of you as you await your baby!

Peace,

Dorothy
 
You need to call your father and talk to him and tell him that this is stressing you. It is HIS job as her husband to take care of her, not your job as a married daughter.

If you were helping and lifting and taking care of her and started spotting, would you want to wonder the rest of your life if she contributed to a miscarriage.

Sounds like you need to move a little further away from her. She is being unhelpful right now.

It’s not like she’s a lonely old widow.

Do you have siblings who can do this?

Whether she has her surgery or not is her choice. Don’t let her lay that burden on you.

Call your dad. And if you need to, tell him, if he’s trustworthy, why you won’t be there. Let HIM absorb the storm.
 
Catherine,

I would like to recommend a book which is helping two extended family members who
are in situations where they can be manipulated if they allow themselves to be.

It is called “Boundaries” and it is written by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend.

You should be able to say “no” to your Mom with the peace of the Lord, and discuss things with her without feeling guilt about disagreeing with her.

In one case the person I know who is reading the book is learning just how to do this with her own mother. She wants to have a good relationship with her Mom, but felt herself getting “down” after some conversations with her Mom. Her mom is very controlling and would manipulate her daughter, using guilt, if she could. This book has helped her to realize she can calm herself and speak to her Mom what she feels about something without allowing herself to be manipulated.

A person with your Mom’s emotional problems can make others miserable if they allow it. That is not right, it is downright unChristian. She needs to know her boundaries, whether she agrees with them or not. It may be something you have to work at for your own happiness and peace of mind. Remember, it is not good for your Mom to be able to manipulate your feelings. Being a wife and mother is a noble and rewarding vocation! I know because I have had eight children and now they are all grown and I get a lot of love from them.

Peace,

Dorothy
 
Hi Catherine,

First off, congratulations on your pregnancy! It’s such an exciting time!

I’m sorry you have such a stressful situation with your mother right now. Hopefully when you tell her she’ll completely surprise you and be thrilled about her little grandbaby that’s on the way. If she doesn’t though I think you should give her space to calm down (and do your best not to feel guilty about it!). Your little family, in particular the life you now carry, is your first priority and you don’t need the stress of someone you love berating you.

You may want to tell her now. That way if she’s able to accept it you can help her without worrying about telling her and if she throws a fit you can let her recover with your father, giving her time to think, while avoiding a stressful situation during what can be a stressful time!

Whatever you decide I hope it goes well!
 
Congratulations!!!
We found out we were pregnant on our 1 month anniversary, and waited, hmm, about 5 hours to tell my in-laws and my mom, and then everyone else. Our parents were happy, but we got comments from other people. We are on our 4th now, and have heard all sorts of things with each subsequent pregnancy… We still always say it as soon as we find out, but we don’t like email everyone or anything, just tell our parents, and the info then trickles out. I get morning sickness early and so I usually tell the people I am around during that time, because it gets pretty obvious. I would do whatever you think is best, but like others mentioned, if you are going to be around her, and you get morning sickness, it might become obvious. I know I would probably have to share it because of the excitement.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top