When "tradition" creates division in families

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floresco

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It is not unusual to come across the situation in which husband and wife have different preferences as to which form of Mass to attend. One spouse my be very uncomfortable with the form that the other finds more uplifting and vice versa. Even families with an understanding of the husband’s authority that would allow him to “pull rank” might not take that path to resolution since many men are reluctant to order their wives in such a case.

Another possible solution is for spouses to attend different Masses, but this too has problems. I question how healthy it is for a couple to worship apart. I’m looking for ideas about ways that people deal with disagreements within marriages about Mass.
 
why not go separately? from personal experience, we don’t have a problem with it. my wife sings in the choir and doesn’t want to stop. at this point in time i can’t control my infant son if he starts crying. so the solution? go to separate masses. at least at home i can play with my son so he won’t cry, while my wife is at mass and sings.

other couples of Catholic-Protestant families have managed, even those who are married to non-believers or fallen-away Catholics.
 
choy said:
why not go separately? from personal experience, we don’t have a problem with it.
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This can be a problem for families with older children. When the husband thinks his Mass is better and the wife thinks her Mass is better, which one do the children go to?
 
Liturgical abuses and “messing” with the Mass have caused divisions in our family and affected the faith of my children negatively.
 
I am a strong believer in having the family go to mass together. Unless of course it cannot be prevented… Maybe a compromise? Take turns each week? 🤷

I think its more important that the family stay together at mass than anything. But thats just my :twocents:
 
Obviously there is no one-size-fits-all solution. It’s something each couple would have to work out for themselves and their family.
 
floresco said:
This can be a problem for families with older children. When the husband thinks his Mass is better and the wife thinks her Mass is better, which one do the children go to?
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perhaps its a good time to ask you children what their preference are
 
choy said:
perhaps its a good time to ask you children what their preference are
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Depends on the age of the child. If they are teenagers, that’s one thing but if they are quite young, then they aren’t in a position to be making an informed decision.

As for my family, we’ve had some division resulting in some family members attending the N.O. versus the TLM. It has never come to anything outwardly divisive, but I am not wanting to return to the N.O. parish and the other family members have no interest in the TLM, so the unhappy compromise is we do go to different churches.

I wouldn’t say that it has to come to a breaking point within families, but it does, quite sadly, deprive one of of familial unity in worship which is so important. We are all Catholic, yes, but in a sense, we are not all united.
 
I think for school age children they should be at the mass that has the children’s program incorporated into it. For younger children I think it should be what is best for the family. For adults, I think each person should worship where they feel closest to the Lord be it NO or TLM.
 
Wouldn’t be a problem if both the husband and wife are following their roles in the family, if the husband feels he has to “pull rank” as you put it the wife has already failed by putting him in the situation where he felt he had to do that.
 
I can’t speak what on what anyone else is doing, but I could tell you what I do.

I go to both churchs. Char and the kids go to Holy Rosary which I have no-issue with. I just prefer the more traditional mass of St Michaels which I grew up in and have always belonged to. But theres a daily 7am mass at my church and I pass it every morning M-F. So as with this morning I feel free to drop in and worship where I feel most comfortable on my own. I also don’t attend every single Mass at HR on every single weekend. But I will go as a unit on occasion.

But the pulling rank thing? Thats no good my brother. How could you control another when you can’t control yourself? Can’t restrict anyone from their belief. If you can through honest, open conversation have another follow your thinking? And they find peace and God in that? Great. But otherwise we have to respect each others beliefs.

I have nothing against Holy Rosary or the Mass there. Matter of fact I know maybe more members there than my own parish. Its just a little loose, and a newer, modern church and I just “feel” better at my own parish?
 
Advocatus_Fidei said:
Wouldn’t be a problem if both the husband and wife are following their roles in the family, if the husband feels he has to “pull rank” as you put it the wife has already failed by putting him in the situation where he felt he had to do that.
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Oh my! Can’t think of anything else to say. 🤷
 
I think its usually best to go together as a family. Why not just alternate Masses? Especially if they are both in the same parish. When people always go to the same Mass in the parish, it can become insulating. The 7am Mass people don’t feel like part of the same community as the 9am Mass people, who don’t feel part of the same community as the teen Mass community, etc.
 
Advocatus_Fidei said:
Wouldn’t be a problem if both the husband and wife are following their roles in the family, if the husband feels he has to “pull rank” as you put it the wife has already failed by putting him in the situation where he felt he had to do that.
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Oh GAG!! Here we go again. It’s this kind of stuff that makes me glad my marriage is a partnership where I don’t have to bow and scrape to the “leadership” of my husband. We work things out together…and if it means alternating Masses, so be it!!!
 
Samantha79 said:
Oh GAG!! Here we go again. It’s this kind of stuff that makes me glad my marriage is a partnership where I don’t have to bow and scrape to the “leadership” of my husband. We work things out together…and if it means alternating Masses, so be it!!!
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No bowing or scraping involved I assure you, please don’t insult my wife that way she is just as good as you.

There is love, happiness, peace and unity in my home, our way of relating to each other as husband and wife works its as simple as that and it works precisely because we are a partnership, it couldn’t work if she refused to cooperate.
 
Advocatus_Fidei said:
Wouldn’t be a problem if both the husband and wife are following their roles in the family, if the husband feels he has to “pull rank” as you put it the wife has already failed by putting him in the situation where he felt he had to do that.
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I am not talking about a situation where the wife is rebelling against her husband. She feels more comfortable at a different form of Mass than her husband does. He does not think that going to a Mass where she is uncomfortable and unhappy is good for her so he does not want to tell her to go to Mass with him.
 
Onegin said:
As for my family, we’ve had some division resulting in some family members attending the N.O. versus the TLM. It has never come to anything outwardly divisive, but I am not wanting to return to the N.O. parish and the other family members have no interest in the TLM, so the unhappy compromise is we do go to different churches.

I wouldn’t say that it has to come to a breaking point within families, but it does, quite sadly, deprive one of of familial unity in worship which is so important. We are all Catholic, yes, but in a sense, we are not all united.
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I appreciate this post because this is what I was trying to get at and feeling like I had not expressed very well. Disagreement on this issue can leave a strong sense of loss of unity in the family. Even when there is some sort of compromise solution about who goes to church where, there is often a sense of loss.
 
Samantha79 said:
Oh GAG!! Here we go again. It’s this kind of stuff that makes me glad my marriage is a partnership where I don’t have to bow and scrape to the “leadership” of my husband. We work things out together…and if it means alternating Masses, so be it!!!
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As the Bible says, and the Church teaches, here is how I see it: my husband is the head of me. Not just of our marriage, but of me. Important distinction because it illustrates that-- sacramentally-- we’re one person now more than we are two. When he hurts, I hurt. When he is happy, I am happy. Neither one of us can make a peaceful and holy home on our own, we *have *to do it together. Because a body can’t work against itself without self-destructing.

Do you think that this precludes the fact that we’re also partners? To me the headship thing is just the fact of the matter; the partnership thing is the big tangible benefit that God blesses us with. We all are born alone and die alone, but in life I now have a best friend forever and a partner in everything, forever. I don’t understand how sacramental headship or practical leadership in any way diminishes or contradicts that. Can you explain why you think that (if that’s what you think-- that headship and partnership are contradictory)?
 
floresco said:
I appreciate this post because this is what I was trying to get at and feeling like I had not expressed very well. Disagreement on this issue can leave a strong sense of loss of unity in the family. Even when there is some sort of compromise solution about who goes to church where, there is often a sense of loss.
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Precisely. Especially when, if you’re like me, you discover the TLM later in life and want to share it with your family, it can be disheartening to find that they are reluctant to give it a chance.
 
It is hard to know what would be more divisive in a particular family. For some, going to different places each Sunday would be divisive. For others, resentment and arguing, but still going to the same place would be divisive. I think each family must find its own way. Without specifics, though, it is good to worship together.
 
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