When will it all end?

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It’s all for show.

As soon as things settle in, the ex’s behavior will regress. Until he gets bored or has something else to prove.

This is a marathon, not a sprint. Your sister needs to conserve her energy and decide what hills are worth dying on.

Keep her side of the street clean. The kids will change alliances depending on who is the highest bidder. They’ll become teenagers and make you long for these good old days.

When the kids are gone, you need to go have fun wiht your sister and ban all discussion of the kids or him.
 
Liberanosamalo said:
It’s all for show.

As soon as things settle in, the ex’s behavior will regress. Until he gets bored or has something else to prove.

This is a marathon, not a sprint. Your sister needs to conserve her energy and decide what hills are worth dying on.

Keep her side of the street clean. The kids will change alliances depending on who is the highest bidder. They’ll become teenagers and make you long for these good old days.

When the kids are gone, you need to go have fun wiht your sister and ban all discussion of the kids or him.
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Yep. What she said.

I think the focus needs to be helping your sister extricate herself from this battle emotionally and find some peace, strength, and happiness independent of this situation. If she wants to be in it for the long haul, she needs to take care of herself.
 
Thanks you two. I agree, my sister does need to talk about other things and I think she is getting there. Unfortunately, she is very disappointed in herself right now, for she had to withdraw from her college class. She kept getting F’s on her quizes and wanted to withdraw while she could get some money back for my parents paid for the class. She said she will pay my parents back if she ever gets child support. She is depressed for she thinks she is stupid for this is the third time taking this class and it is a very difficult class. She even asked some nurses for help, including me but I haven’t practiced nursing in over 12 years, some of the questions and they didn’t know either. The average for the class is a low C so this teacher is very difficult. I told her that she had a lot of emotional things going on and now things are settled down, but because she has so many F’s, she doesn’t think she could raise her grade point average. I feel for her. I remember when I took that class and I had to drop out the first time but passed the second time, but I was in the early twenties and not in my middle forties.

She said she won’t give up and will try one more time and if her ex pulls something again and she is stressed out again, she gives up. She does have a license to practice massage therapy, but her hands and back are going bad and that is why she didn’t want to go that route, but if she had to, she would.

So far things are quiet with her ex, unusually quiet. My sister’s daughter called her dad yesterday and left him a message to see if he was going to pick them up today for visitation for it is his usual day and he never called her back. My sister texted him and he texted back that he could not pick up the kids. He did buy my niece on his weekend with the kids a cell phone that cost $120.00 after telling my sister that he was going to get her a phone but it would be one of the old cell phones of one of her step sisters. He said this in front of his wife and my sister and his wife agreed that spending a lot of money on a new phone was not needed, but he bought her a new phone. After that weekend, he has not been heard of. I think there may be trouble between the wife and him. My niece did say, there was a huge fight between them that weekend but she did not know what they fought about. My niece is selfish, but she has told me that she will get a lot out of her dad for not being there for her and for not paying for things for her, for after getting the phone she calls him on Monday and asks for a photo card for the phone. He told her that she would have to wait until he had more money. Mind you he has yet to pay child support this month for he said he has no money this month. He had this conversation with my sister in front of his wife and then that very next weekend he got my niece the phone. I think this is what upset his wife. I know it got my sister upset for she needs money. He is very selfish.

My nephew continues to have anger issues and disobedience issues. My sister is not disciplincing him. That has always been an issue and why he gets away with things at her house and not at his dads, but than at his dad he has freedom to run wild and stay up as late as he wants and not brush his teeth etc. My sister decided to drop the court hearing for a parent coordinator. I think that is a mistake. She said they have the family counselor. I think she is being a fool for they will go to family counseling for now, but they will grow tired and stop going and then what. They will have to go to court when trouble arise. I already see one problem that needs a parent coordinator. When my niece got her new phone, she called here and talked to my dd and told her that she was in a huge store but did not know where her father was. She had to go look for the adults and her brother. They allow her to go off on her own without adult supervision. Anyone can take her. She is only 13 years old. She thinks she is all grown up and doesn’t need supervision, but you think that two cops would know that a 13 yr old could be taken by a bad man or person.:eek: I always pray for their guardian angel to watch over my niece and nephew. I pray that materialism doesn’t win over them, but it sure looks that way.😦
 
Update:
My sister received a call from her ex, and I am sure this news won’t surprise you two, and he told her that he left his wife and is filing for divorce. He has moved into a two bedroom apartment that is unfurnished. He has yet to tell his son, my nephew, and thought my sister would do it and she told him that he should tell him. He did tell my niece and she is "rejoicing that he is leaving the witch, " is how she put it. He told my sister that the last straw was that they argued over him buying his daughter the cell phone, as we thought, and he is tired that her kids everything new and he can’t buy anything new for his kids.

So he even asked my sister after treating her so bad, if she knew of anyone who was giving away furniture or selling it cheap to let him know, as if we would help after what he put her through. He can look for himself! For right now, the kids stay with my sister every weekend until he gets furniture.

He better hope and pray his wife doesn’t get vendictive like she did after their first separation and file for an injunction again. He hasn’t even read what she wrote in that first one. It was bad. So you both were right, the marriage did not last long!!
 
Sigh. You are right. It’s not really a surprise. I hope this does not mean he becomes even more unstable. I was thinking of your sister just yesterday, hoping and praying that she finds some stability and joy in her life.
 
dulcissima said:
Sigh. You are right. It’s not really a surprise. I hope this does not mean he becomes even more unstable. I was thinking of your sister just yesterday, hoping and praying that she finds some stability and joy in her life.
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Thank you so much. She does need stability. I just hope he doesn’t do what he did the last time he separated from his wife. He came over a lot to my sisters and became very friendly, too friendly. I think he would have reconciled with her if she would have taken him back for he asked me to ask her if he could stay at her house since he was without a job and no place to stay. I told him that it was not a good idea for it would confuse the children, especially my nephew who still had hopes that they would get back together. He still wants that. He told that to his psychologist just two days ago. He still prays for it.

I have the same concerns you have. Now that he lives alone, he did tell my sister that onces he gets the furniture, he will be having his visitation on his weekends. It will be just him the kids alone. There will be no on there to defend the kids if he gets too angry or out of control. I just hope that now my niece is mature enough now and not allow her fears to take over and to call 911 if she has too. He is renting some cottage that are right behind his bosses main house, so it would look bad for him if the police, his own police department that he works for is called out to his appartment which is right behind his bosses, his chief’s house. So maybe that will make him behave. Also, the last time he left this woman, she was so angry, she filed a restraining order against him and he should be careful she doesn’t do it again. It is public record and she did it to her second husband also when they were separated, so it seems to be a habit for her. I read what she wrote in my ex BIL restraining order and it does not make him look good and makes him look out of control with his anger issues. I think personally she lied a little, but that is between them. My niece was there that day and she said it didn’t go down like she said it did. She read the report too. Funny thing is my niece said about her step mother, “She is a liar just like my daddy, they deserve each other.”

Well they are separated now and my ex-BIL told my sister why he is filing for a divorce my sister thought it was a silly reason to file for a divorce (the cell phone issue), but we know there had to be more. The interesting remark came from my niece when she said to her mother and I for I was on the phone, “Mom, it doesn’t matter why he is getting the divorce, he is divorcing the witch finally, don’t fight it embrace it and let’s celebrate it.” We both laugh for my niece was absolutely so happy. Here we thought she liked her step-mom and she never did, it was all show. Amazing! We don’t know when the dad will tell my nephew. He wanted my sister to tell him, but she told him that was his job. I don’t think my nephew will care too much seeing that he is still telling the therapist that he wants his mommy and daddy to get back together. So he must want his stepmom out of the picture. I guess we have to wait and see how he will take the news. I guess he sees his dad tomorrow.

I am like you and hope that now my sister will begin to live a happy life and it won’t be complicated anymore, but if this man gets involved with another controling woman, it starts all over again. I pray it doesn’t. I think he is going to be busy in court between my sister and his wife.
 
Push your sister to go through with the parent coordinator hearing while the ex’s escapade with kidnapping his son and denying him medication is still recent.

He was separated from this woman before? He may yet get back together with her. I wouldn’t be excited about them separating just yet.
 
flyingfish said:
Push your sister to go through with the parent coordinator hearing while the ex’s escapade with kidnapping his son and denying him medication is still recent.

He was separated from this woman before? He may yet get back together with her. I wouldn’t be excited about them separating just yet.
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Well, it looks like this time that my ex BIL will not go back to his wife. So many things has happened and we are not surprised, he is, but not us. Remember we told you that this woman has about five children all with different fathers. Well, she reported to work on Monday of last week and was told by her superiors that it was not her day to work. She was told to come back Tuesday and she said she would. She left and did not return on Tuesday. She never called in sick. Her superiors called her home number and her cell with no answer. They worried and thought something was wrong with her. Her children did not hear from her. They called her husband, my ex BIL, not knowing they were separated. He had not heard from her and was in fact trying to reach her too to talk about issues about money. No one heard from her. Her job continued to call her cell and finally a man answered it on Wednesday morning. They asked who he was and he said he was her boyfriend. He did not know she was married. She had been having an affair for three months with this man. He is apparently very wealthy and single. Since she did not report to work, she is on suspension, but something else is going on. Her job called my ex-BIL and warned him to stay away from her for she may lose her job and is “under investigation.” He is not going to her house to get the kids clothes or his clothes. He told all this to my sister because he has no money and is complaining of having no money. He said the child support took his whole paycheck and than he had to pay his wife’s car insurance and he doesn’t know if she will pay him back. He wants or needs that money back. Then he tells my sister that she better look into getting their kids on another health insurance for they are on his wife’s plan and that is why told her she may not have a job for long. My sister told him that according to the divorce papers, they are to be insured by him and that is why she protested when he put them under her plan to begin with for now they have this problem. She told him that she could not afford to put them under her plan. She asked how much would it cost to put them under his work plan and he said $200.00 and she that was much better than hers which was close to $500.00. He said that he would check into it, but only after she told him to cut out some expensive like he just put in cable to his new apartment and she told him he didn’t need that. She told him that the kids don’t need a cell phone, esp. a 10 yr. old and he said he could take them off his plan. So there he could save the $200.00 needed for health insurance. Then he just complained some more about money as if she was going to tell him not to pay the child support.

He admit that his wife and him are fighting over who is going to pay for the attorney they hired for the whole mess of when he kept his son for that week. At that time, my sister asked him, “Why did you keep him for that week?” He said, “I didn’t want to keep him, she is very manipulative and told me that I did not have to return him to you and that he didn’t want to go back and I was confused. I allowed her to control me and crewed up my life. No more, no more. I use to have feelings for her but I don’t feel anything for her now.”
My sister asked if her being nice to her was an act and he said no that he felt she was buttering up to her so that the two of them to gain up on him later. My sister reminded him that he will still have to pay for half of the psychiatrist that they insisted on having to prove that their son did not need to be in a psychiatric hospital. He asked why and she reminded him that is what he agreed to in front of both attorneys and she was not the one to initiate the whole thing, but he was. He just said, “Oh great, more money that I don’t have.”

He just called my sister to tell her to have no communication with his wife but my sister said she doesn’t. He asked if the kids did and she told him that her son gets texts from her and he said that it has to stop. My sister just keeps the cell phone off. She just told him that she didn’t trust anyone including him.

So as of now, things look gloomy for my ex BIL and I know that is a result of prayers. He said that so many bad things are happening to him, but he still has a job. He won’t go near this wife’s house for he thinks she is in trouble with the law. That is smart of him for the last time she filed an injunction against him. I am grateful that you two and all who joined in prayed for now maybe this man has a chance of conversion alone without the evil influence of this woman. I knew the psychologist was wrong. She did where the pants in the family. I knew this from all my poor niece and nephew use to tell me of this woman and the way she would get their dad to change his mind. He would choose her over them. That is one thing these kids won’t forget.
 
Your sister really needs to not be talking her ex about his marriage problems. She doesn’t need to know or be involved in any of these details. She needs to just get the message across that he needs to stay current with his obligations. He needs to find insurance for them because he is under court orders to. Anything that doesn’t involve when he is going to pick up the kids is too much conversation.

In a situation like this, he is going to paint himself as the victim and his estranged wife as the one responsible for everything. The more anyone buys into the drama, the more he is going to continue to wallow in the dysfunction. Your sister needs to be businesslike, matter of fact, and prepared to cut him off when he takes the conversation away from the few areas that she actually needs to interact with him.

Don’t get caught up in his world, because it will lead you away from the direction you need to be headed and will perpetuate all of this into a never ending cycle.
 
👍 to Dulcissima. Exactly!

So she was starting an affair even during that whole big act with the therapist. Wonder how her good buddy the therapist will react when she finds out the ex’s wife is under investigation for stuff. (I bet it’s drugs.)

As for the ex… the agreement says he’s to fund the insurance. And if he doesn’t have it through his job, it probably says he should purchase it privately.

Who cares about his finances. I’m sure he doesn’t care at all about the money he’s wasted on all this and the money your family has had to pay to make up for all his games and shenanigans.

Your sister needs to have him only deal with her attorney. He knows all her weak points and will try to play her. He’s a manipulative man. She will fall for it and then in a few months he’ll do something else and she’ll be twice as mad at herself for helping him.

What is happening to him is called “you reap what you sow.”

We knew this woman was a loose cannon. Anyone who lists herself as single on FB when she’s married is trouble.

He mustn’t be a very good cop if he can’t check even that basic thing out.

Just hang in there and let the courts pull the money out of him. He helped create a situation last winter and he can pay for it.

Don’t fall for his sad act. It’s always an act. They’re never sad for the pain they cause others. They’re only sad when it hits them in the pocketbook.
 
Thanks Dulcissima and Liberano,
You are both so right. I did tell this to my sister to stay away from conversation from him for that is what happened before. She befriend him and he stabbed her in the back and went back to this woman. I told her to just not befriend him this time and just talk about visitation. The only reason she called him yesterday was about sharing Easter vacation for she wanted to take the kids to Mass for he has them on Easter Sunday and he doesn’t take them to Mass. She asked him if she could have them early and he agreed and that is when he started to talk about getting the kids on her health care plan. She told him that was his job. Than he started in on his wife and all he needs to get from her as far as money goes. She did tell him at one point for all he did was complain that it was between him and her and she didn’t need to hear about it for he kept on with his sad story. She just reminded him that by their court order, he had to insure the kids. She even told him that if he had to get another job, then he had to do what he had to do. She said he was not happy to hear that, but that he sounded depressed. I think my sister is stronger this time for she didn’t feel sorry for him as she has in the past. She felt he is getting what he himself has started with this woman and deserves.

I will tell you what you both have said and thanks again for you wonderful advice. So far, she is continuing to go forward with making changes in her divorce papers so that he won’t pull anymore stunts in the future. I told her to add that he is to be the one to put the kids on his insurance and not any wives if he is to remarry again. Also she needs to add in her papers that she should be the one to claim both kids in her income taxes. Right now, he claims one and she claims one and it is unfair in view that he is in the rear with child support. It is a big difference if she claimed that extra child a $3000.00 difference. She called him up to see if she could claim both kids, but he is so desperate for money, he said no, but what he doesn’t know is that she has reported him to the IRS anyway and he won’t see any of that money, it goes to her. The IRS knows he owes in child support and so they will take his refund checks and give it to her until he has paid off all he owes her. He does not know this yet. It will be a surprise to him.:eek:
 
I am so sorry all this is happening. I will keep your family in my prayers. I wish I had something profound to say. But I know God will bring good out of this evil. I am so sorry about the kids having to suffer so much. I know the kind of abuse and cruelness they have been exposed to cannot be undone. Sometimes kids with the toughest backgrounds end up becoming the most amazing adults.

I wish their father would grow up. It is heartbreaking to hear all they go through. At least when they are adults they will not be forced to visit.

We will keep on praying. For as long as it takes. Then we will pray prayers of thanksgiving!

Sincerely,

Maria1212
 
What I am about to say is unimaginable to me as a mother, but I think it is an answer to our prayers. My ex-brother-in-law went on Sunday to his currents wife’s house to pick up more of his belongings for he knew she would not be there. The 16 yr. old teenager daughter was there. She was nicer to him which was not normal and very sad. He asked what was wrong. She told him that her mom has abandoned them and told them to go live with their father’s. Well, this girl’s father lives somewhere up North and she doesn’t know him. She did not want to go live with her mom’s second husband which is the father of the youngest daughter. He asked her what was she going to do or live and she said she was moving in with some friends and her parents. Her mom has chosen to live with the very rich man and left the children. The youngest daughter is very happy about it for she has always wanted this for her mom was abusive to her. My niece still remembers on one of her visitation weekends when her stepmom burned this little girl’s arm with the iron when she said she wanted to live with her dad. Another time she had to stand in the corner for an hour for saying it and yet another time, got her mouth full of soap. So needless to say, the youngest who is 11 yr. old and with a learning disability is with her loving father and hopefully he will get her the help she needs in school. I feel bad for the 16 yr. old who looked up to her mom and was and is exactly like her mom. I think her ideas of who her mom is and was were crushed. The oldest daughter left home as soon as she turned 18 yr. old for she could not stand her mom. She defended my niece a lot and my nephew, but was not a good example. She moved in with her boyfriend.

So for the kids, this is a new start and a new life, hopefully a happy one without their mom to abuse them anymore. If she ever tries to get them back, I hope the dad fights to keep the youngest for she will be the only one she would want back, or the child support checks. She has no need for money now, since this new guy is very rich. She has even quit her job. She told my ex-BIL that my sister’s kids have until October on her insurance and than he needs to put them on his plan. He has already got a second job. He tried complaining to my sister, but she said having them on her plan is too much and he is to have them on his.

Thanks for praying, it worked. These kids have a chance for a new, happy life.
 
I have not written in so long. My sister did something stupid. She befriended her ex after he divorced his wife and I believe she was and is in love with him and had hopes of reconciling their marriage. My whole family saw this, even after all he did to the children and her. He did get another girlfriend before dumbing her and coming to my sister and having one date asking her what his chances were to reconcile their marriage. He even suggested marriage counseling to her and moving slowly. This was only three weeks ago. My niece was very upset over it all. My nephew didn’t care too much one way or the other. He just wants his dad’s attention. After that talk, the dad disappeared for about two weeks. No calls or visitations with the kids. My sister knows what that means–a woman in his life and sure enough, he had a new girlfriend who has two kids. My sister had it with him and wants nothing more to do with him. She said she will no longer feel sorry for him or befriend him. Her daughter basically told her that she could have done better and said, “I told you so.” My niece doesn’t think much of her dad.

In the meantime, before he found this girlfriend, my nephew was acting out in school. He was very violent and almost stabbed a girl in school. My sister was called out twice from her work to pick him up. She did what my mom told her to say to him. She told him that she knew his secret. She confessed that he was molested by his stepmom about two years ago while they lived in Merritt Island. My sister called her ex so that he could hear this too. He asked his son why he didn’t say anything to him and he said that she, the stepmom, threatened him with a gun and said he would hurt him and his dad. He was scared and kept it a secret for so long. He is now is healing therapy for that. My sister told her ex that even if his son told him that he would have taken the word of his wife over his son anyway for that is how he was acting during that time. Presently, he is acting like a idiot again and ignoring his kids. He is paying attention only to his girlfriend. When it is his weekend with the boy, he takes the boy to his friends house for he wants to have his girlfriend to sleep over. It makes my nephew very sad for he wants to spend time with his dad. He is slowly seeing his dad for who he is. We now hope that the courts will give my sister soon sole custody if the counselors see that this dad is continually aggravating his son’s condition. Time will tell.

Please continue to pray for these two and my sister. My sister has decided to go to nursing school to earn more morning so that she has a better future for her and her kids.
 
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