When your priest doesn't understand

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Anglewannabe

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I went to confession today. This priest knows me quite well and he brought something I said from a previous confession up.

Now… I understand the point he was trying to make was to sometimes listen to others instead of having things my way. And I understand that is sometimes what we need to do.

However (and I DON"T want to go into details) there are times when one has to do what they know is right. This is a secular situation and he has never been in it nor will he ever have to be in it. And I could NOT explain the whole situation to him in my first confessions since he only has 5 minutes and given his lack of knowledge, it would require at least 30 minutes to fully explain the whole thing.

It kind of hurt me how he used a stern tone of voice. And I genuinely want to take what he says to heart. However, in my heart of hearts, I know he does NOT fully understand the situation. I feel guilty not listening to him.

How do others handle it when their priest gives advice but it is not ‘knowledgeable’ advice?

Angie
 
We just have to accept that they don’t know everything and can’t give the best advice on all things. In your particular situation he did not get the complete story so probably got the wrong impression. I think it is ok if you don’t take his advice.

It sounds like your feelings were hurt. Maybe you could accept that as a sort of penace?
 
Why don’t you take the time, go to the rectory office and make an appointment to see him. Then, when you see him, ask to make a confession to him and explain the situation. That would seem to be the best way to handle the situation. Either he would better understand your situation, or would be able to better explain his position to you.
At least it would give you some peace of mind.
 
Don’t forget that your Priest is often (is) speaking to you what he hears from the Holy Spirit. You were receiving a sacrament… in persona christi. Our Priests often know far more than we give them credit for. They don’t have to be in a secular situation to know how to help us. Pray very hard before you ignore his advice. Sometimes we just don’t want to do the hard stuff, I know I don’t.
 
I would suggest making an appointment with the priest to discuss the matter further. This would be the best option.

You also mentioned the priest’s lack of knowledge. If you don’t have time for an appointment, perhaps you can go to Confession a different parish with an older, more experienced priest for advice? Over the course of a priest’s life, they hear many confessions from many different people and I’m sure someone has been in a similar situation as you are in right now. Just because someone hasn’t experienced a situation first-hand doesn’t mean they don’t understand or can’t help you. 😉
 
Your priest is wrong on 2 counts and you are perfectly entitled to tell him so with courtesy. I don’t see any need to make it a bigger deal by seeking a special appointment. If anything be extremely brief.

First, he is wrong to bring up anything from a previous confession. The moment he gives you absolution, that instance of the sacrament of penance is a closed book, one might say a SEALED book. Previously confessed sins or topics discussed under the seal of the Confessional are never again to be raised by the priest, even to the penitent. If YOU bring up the topic (“Fr, remember I told you I stole five dollars?” for example) then he may of course discuss it with you.

Second, this improper bleeding of subjects, which results in confusion and frustration for you, the penitent, is because the priest is treating your confessions like a series of therapy sessions. He wants to play psychologist and bring up points to you and try to help you. That is NOT what the Sacrament of Penance is about. You can see how it’s easy to happen, especially if you know each other well. But he as the priest should discipline himself to restraint. In fact, it’s an unjust imposition on you and a form of abuse.

Frankly, strictly speaking the priest’s opinion is entirely irrelevant unless you ask for it specifically. You go in, confess sins, kind and number. If there something unclear about the nature of the sin, the kind or the number, the priest should ask for clarification. Otherwise any branching off from that is not part of the sacrament, is improper and intrusive. Again, this is not therapy.

I would simply tell him in a kind voice, “Father I would appreciate your not bringing up previous confessions or trying to analyze my behavior.” If necessary go further, “I appreciate that you are trying to help me, Father, but I am only here today for Confession, that is I confess my sins, you assign a penance and absolve me. I really prefer not to have further discussion.”

If he balks at that or is offended, he has a problem with this sacrament and needs spiritual guidance from another priest, and you should go to someone else. It could be you know him to well, and it’s hard for him to keep the proper boundary.

So many people I know have had problems similar to yours. This is that leftover psychobabble from the 70’s where some priests got confused between being a social worker or a counselor and the representative of Christ. The Sacrament of Penance is very clearly defined by the Church. Both priest and penitent should stick to it and save themselves misunderstandings. I hope you can work this out.
 
First off, as to making an appointment with him to clarify it. This is a soft spot for me and I honestly don’t think I have the patience to explain it to him without blowing my lid. Also, I am not saying he is 100% wrong. It is more I believe he is looking at the short term in which case he is right. However, I am looking at the long term and I believe there are times we need to be firm for the future.

As for it not being therapy. I told him about this cross I am bearing (ie the situation he gave me advice on) because I believe the stress of it is why I am struggling with sin.
Although not a sin in itself, I believe it would shed light on my caving to temptation and I guess deep down, I was hoping to hear that God knew what He was doing.

As for going to a different priest for confession, I doubt any priest would really know how to handle the situation. And again, I am so at the end of my rope I do NOT feel like shopping around for a priest.

Angie
 
Anglewannabe said:
First off, as to making an appointment with him to clarify it. This is a soft spot for me and I honestly don’t think I have the patience to explain it to him without blowing my lid. Also, I am not saying he is 100% wrong. It is more I believe he is looking at the short term in which case he is right. However, I am looking at the long term and I believe there are times we need to be firm for the future.

As for it not being therapy. I told him about this cross I am bearing (ie the situation he gave me advice on) because I believe the stress of it is why I am struggling with sin.
Although not a sin in itself, I believe it would shed light on my caving to temptation and I guess deep down, I was hoping to hear that God knew what He was doing.

As for going to a different priest for confession, I doubt any priest would really know how to handle the situation. And again, I am so at the end of my rope I do NOT feel like shopping around for a priest.

Angie
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Ok,

you don’t want to speak to the priest in question for clarification

you don’t want to “shop” for another priest

you doubt any priest can handle this situation

and yet you say you say “I understand the point he was trying to make was to sometimes listen to others instead of having things my way”

If we were having this conversation face to face over coffee, I would have to ask you bluntly
(but hopefully with charity) – What do you exactly want from this priest? What is the resolution you want, since you obviously want it your way?

BTW, these are rhetorical questions. You don’t need to answer me or anyone on this forum. BUT, this is obviously bothering you and your frustration is coming through loud and clear!
 
Hi Angie,

Sometimes praying before you go into the confessional can help. If you do have a choice of priests, you can pray as to which priest to go to. You also might want to pray and ask your guardian angel and some patron saints or saints who were noted for holy confessions to accompany you as you go to Confession and lend moral support through their prayers, if you feel comfortable with that.

There have been miscommunications several times between myself and a priest in Confession. Of the three times I’m thinking of, two of them came about because of my own challenges with communication, and hopefully I can continue to improve. One of them came about perhaps because the priest did not know me as a person … I explained the situation in one additional sentence, and then the priest gave me advice based on that. In all of these cases, the main thing is that I was forgiven of my sins.

Meanwhile, yes, it can be tough.

May the Holy Spirit direct you to the priest who can do the most good for your soul.

~~ the phoenix
 
Anglewannabe said:
First off, as to making an appointment with him to clarify it. This is a soft spot for me and I honestly don’t think I have the patience to explain it to him without blowing my lid. Also, I am not saying he is 100% wrong. It is more I believe he is looking at the short term in which case he is right. However, I am looking at the long term and I believe there are times we need to be firm for the future.

As for it not being therapy. I told him about this cross I am bearing (ie the situation he gave me advice on) because I believe the stress of it is why I am struggling with sin.
Although not a sin in itself, I believe it would shed light on my caving to temptation and I guess deep down, I was hoping to hear that God knew what He was doing.

As for going to a different priest for confession, I doubt any priest would really know how to handle the situation. And again, I am so at the end of my rope I do NOT feel like shopping around for a priest.

Angie
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Given this information, it sounds like you might have been sharing this situation in order to explain or justify the sins you committed. If that’s the case, then it was probably not beneficial for you to bring the situation up in the first place in the context of a confession. Confession is for the absolution from sins. All you’re supposed to do is ask forgiveness for what you’ve done, not explain why you did it. If the situation that you are in is stressing you out, and you would like counseling on it but don’t feel a priest can understand it fully, perhaps you can find someone who has been through it before and get advice from them instead. On the other hand, I have a hard time imagining such a situation that is so complicated and nuanced that another person can’t understand why it’s stressing you out. I think when we are depressed over something, we often think we are alone and no one else could possibly understand what it’s like. This often isn’t the case. Even if our friends haven’t experienced the same exact situation, it doesn’t mean they can’t feel for you and help you relieve some of the stress.
 
coachdennis said:
What do you exactly want from this priest? What is the resolution you want, since you obviously want it your way?
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What I want is very simple. I want him to help me figure out God’s will for me. His advice was his agenda not God’s will. I am 100% confident that statement is true. Also, he semi jumped to a untrue conclusion in my last confession which makes me believe God was NOT speaking through him.

I think he was looking at my actions through secular glasses. Following Jesus often means being unpopular and his advice was mainly to do what would make me popular

Angie
 
Allegra said:
Given this information, it sounds like you might have been sharing this situation in order to explain or justify the sins you committed.
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No I was sharing it hoping he could help me find ways to deal with the stress in order to hopefully decrease the temptation to sin. Which he did not do.
 
Anglewannabe said:
No I was sharing it hoping he could help me find ways to deal with the stress in order to hopefully decrease the temptation to sin. Which he did not do.
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But really, that’s not his job in the sacrament of penance. The sacrament is for the confession of sins and receiving absolution.
 
Anglewannabe said:
What I want is very simple. I want him to help me figure out God’s will for me. His advice was his agenda not God’s will. I am 100% confident that statement is true. Also, he semi jumped to a untrue conclusion in my last confession which makes me believe God was NOT speaking through him.

I think he was looking at my actions through secular glasses. Following Jesus often means being unpopular and his advice was mainly to do what would make me popular

Angie
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Call Catholic Charities for counseling. Your priest obviously cannot help you with this situation. Is it even a sin? Why are you bringing it to confession if it is not a sin?
 
Anglewannabe said:
No I was sharing it hoping he could help me find ways to deal with the stress in order to hopefully decrease the temptation to sin. Which he did not do.
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Peace to you, Angie.

On your own, can you do a research on eliminating stress or on relaxation?

Is it possible your doctor can suggest a program on stress?

You would not have to discuss what causes you stress or that it then tempts you to sin, but simply look for a program on stress in general.
 
You mentioned that you expected the priest to “help you figure out God’s will” for yourself. Confession is not really the appropriate forum for this, so I think your unrealistic expectations contributed to your disappointment. In fact, your posts stand out to me because they are generally about how someone else has offended you or not responded in a way that you find acceptable. It seems that you frequently expect something out of others that you do not get, and this upsets you.

Maybe speaking with a priest or counselor at length would help you to learn easier ways to approach the other people in your life whose actions, for whatever reason, do not live up to your expectations. I understand that you are in a rough spot, but I think that you are causing yourself more grief than you would otherwise be experiencing if you could learn some healthy ways of coping with others and their insensitive or inappropriate (whether perceived or real) comments.
 
Lorelei12 said:
You mentioned that you expected the priest to “help you figure out God’s will” for yourself. Confession is not really the appropriate forum for this, so I think your unrealistic expectations contributed to your disappointment. In fact, your posts stand out to me because they are generally about how someone else has offended you or not responded in a way that you find acceptable. It seems that you frequently expect something out of others that you do not get, and this upsets you.

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Yes I did expect something from my priest. I suppose I did think that priest duty was to help us not sin again. (why else would they ‘go and sin no more’?)

As for expecting things out of others. That would be a whole other post.
 
Anglewannabe said:
Yes I did expect something from my priest. I suppose I did think that priest duty was to help us not sin again. (why else would they ‘go and sin no more’?)

As for expecting things out of others. That would be a whole other post.
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They say, “Go and sin no more” because that is what Jesus said to the woman at the well. It is God’s help that we need in order not to sin.

Also, you didn’t answer my question - was this situation really about sin?

I believe that you need some counseling. A trained counselor can help guide you through these situations and the confessional is not the place for therapeutic counseling. I think you have some misconceptions about what confession is for. Please call Catholic Charities and make an appointment to speak with one of the counselors. If you are low-income, there won’t be much of a charge, if any.
 
Anglewannabe said:
In post #7 I explained the situation is stressful and the stress is why I believe I am tempted to sin
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But tempted to sin is not sin, correct? The confessional is for sins we have committed, not difficult situations where we might be tempted to sin. It is not therapy, nor is it pastoral counseling. You either need to get some counseling, or make an appointment to speak with the priest in greater length and maybe he can help you. But I think you are bringing the wrong thing into the confessional. A priest is not meant to stand in place of every professional in the world. Please seek counseling.
 
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