When your priest doesn't understand

[lifeisbeautiful]

I have not been able to read everything, but I did want to mention that it is ok to expect spiritual direction from your confessor!!! It seems like he knows you, that is good!

I didn’t understand your situation well enough to weigh in, but yes, it is very good to have a regular confessor that can help you with spiritual direction, which includes guidance in trying to figure out God’s will for you etc.

 

[Lorelei12]

Yes I did expect something from my priest. I suppose I did think that priest duty was to help us not sin again. (why else would they ‘go and sin no more’?)

As for expecting things out of others. That would be a whole other post.

This is not the same thing as “figuring out God’s will for you”. That is a discernment process, and something that certainly your priest would be happy to make an appointment with you to discuss.

However, you also mentioned you “don’t have the patience to explain it to him without blowing your lid”. It just seems that you have placed unreasonable expectations on him and hope that he tells you what you want to hear without having to further discuss anything. It also seems to be a pattern in your personal relationships- I’m just suggesting that you might benefit from some counseling, and a different approach to dealing with other people who seem to disappoint you so often.

 

[Anglewannabe]

However, you also mentioned you “don’t have the patience to explain it to him without blowing your lid”. It just seems that you have placed unreasonable expectations on him and hope that he tells you what you want to hear without having to further discuss anything. It also seems to be a pattern in your personal relationships- I’m just suggesting that you might benefit from some counseling, and a different approach to dealing with other people who seem to disappoint you so often.

I can see how you could read that into the my post. Perhaps if I explained myself a bit better it would be clearer. I will use an example (and this is simply an example and has nothing to do with the reality)

Let’s say I lived in an apartment that was really noisy. I signed a lease I can not get out of and even if I could, it is the cheapest apartment in town and I could not afford financially to live anywhere else.

So because it is noisy, I can not sleep and that stresses me out. A priest is told to live in the church he is sent to so he never had to look or an apartment. Chances are, if I was to ask him how to look for an apartment he would not have good advice. If I was to try to explain to him how the process works, he would not understand. Now, since this is a soft spot for me, I would have trouble talking about it without being emotional. So I chose not to talk about it because I know it is not fair to him for me to blow my lid over something he wouldn’t be expected to know.

And no amount of counscelling is going to make my apartment less noisy. So when I was in confession, I was hoping for some spiritual direction to help me grin and bear it.

Does that make more sense?

Angie

 

[Lorelei12]

I can see how you could read that into the my post. Perhaps if I explained myself a bit better it would be clearer. I will use an example (and this is simply an example and has nothing to do with the reality)

Let’s say I lived in an apartment that was really noisy. I signed a lease I can not get out of and even if I could, it is the cheapest apartment in town and I could not afford financially to live anywhere else.

So because it is noisy, I can not sleep and that stresses me out. A priest is told to live in the church he is sent to so he never had to look or an apartment. Chances are, if I was to ask him how to look for an apartment he would not have good advice. If I was to try to explain to him how the process works, he would not understand. Now, since this is a soft spot for me, I would have trouble talking about it without being emotional. So I chose not to talk about it because I know it is not fair to him for me to blow my lid over something he wouldn’t be expected to know.

And no amount of counscelling is going to make my apartment less noisy. So when I was in confession, I was hoping for some spiritual direction to help me grin and bear it.

Does that make more sense?

Angie

A couple of things- first, just because a priest may not have direct experience with a certain situation does not mean that he cannot give wise counsel regarding how to deal with those situations in a healthy way. And, if you speak with a priest and do not feel as though he is understanding your situation well enough to give you proper advice, then you either try to explain the situation (outside the confessional, at a more appropriate time) or find someone else who can help you.

Confession is for us to express our sorrow at having sinned, and reconcile with God. If the priest chooses to dispense any advice he thinks might be helpful for us to avoid certain sins, that is his choice, and we are free to take or leave his advice. But confession is not primarily for spiritual direction, so if that is what you are seeking it isn’t very fair to blame a priest for “not understanding” your situation, refuse to make an appointment with him, and just be irritated that he didn’t tell you what you wanted to hear. Confession is not the place to seek counsel on situations that cause us pain; it is to ask for God’s forgiveness and repent.

I think that if a certain situation in your life is so painful for you that you cannot even speak about it without losing it, then it is all the more reason to see a therapist who can help you to deal with these emotions in a healthy way. It seems, from this post and your others, that you have a hard time even having conversations with your friends, since you perceive them to be insensitive to your situation. And now your priest is disappointing you. It might be worthwhile to explore why you are having such a hard time dealing with your situation, to the point that you cannot even discuss it with a priest calmly. It seems that anytime someone suggests some counseling, you dismiss it- which makes it hard to understand what it is you are looking for. You cannot change your friends, and you cannot change your priest, but you can learn to deal with your emotions in a way that does not keep you constantly upset with the people in your life.

 

[devoutchristian]

Don’t forget that your Priest is often (is) speaking to you what he hears from the Holy Spirit. You were receiving a sacrament… in persona christi. Our Priests often know far more than we give them credit for. They don’t have to be in a secular situation to know how to help us. Pray very hard before you ignore his advice. Sometimes we just don’t want to do the hard stuff, I know I don’t.

The sacrament isn’t magic. The priest can’t give correct advice if he doesn’t have the whole story.

 

[Jeremiah_29_11]

I can see how you could read that into the my post. Perhaps if I explained myself a bit better it would be clearer. I will use an example (and this is simply an example and has nothing to do with the reality)

Let’s say I lived in an apartment that was really noisy. I signed a lease I can not get out of and even if I could, it is the cheapest apartment in town and I could not afford financially to live anywhere else.

So because it is noisy, I can not sleep and that stresses me out. A priest is told to live in the church he is sent to so he never had to look or an apartment. Chances are, if I was to ask him how to look for an apartment he would not have good advice. If I was to try to explain to him how the process works, he would not understand. Now, since this is a soft spot for me, I would have trouble talking about it without being emotional. So I chose not to talk about it because I know it is not fair to him for me to blow my lid over something he wouldn’t be expected to know.

And no amount of counscelling is going to make my apartment less noisy. So when I was in confession, I was hoping for some spiritual direction to help me grin and bear it.

Does that make more sense?

Angie

In the situation you describe, there is no sin involved. Perhaps that is why the priest cannot offer you much advice - what is the sin? Confession is for SIN and repentance, not for stress management! Not for just everyday difficult situations. Now, if you have a spiritual advisor, that MIGHT be different, but even then, it would be a misuse of the relationship to just vent about your everyday life unless you had taken the time to reflect and do some introspection. I still don’t understand what you want the priest to say! Your situation is not one he can address in the confessional!

 

[Anglewannabe]

In the situation you describe, there is no sin involved. Perhaps that is why the priest cannot offer you much advice - what is the sin? Confession is for SIN and repentance, not for stress management! Not for just everyday difficult situations. Now, if you have a spiritual advisor, that MIGHT be different, but even then, it would be a misuse of the relationship to just vent about your everyday life unless you had taken the time to reflect and do some introspection. I still don’t understand what you want the priest to say! Your situation is not one he can address in the confessional!

Well…yes I committed a sin which is why I went to confession. I am not comfortable saying what I did that was sinful, but I did need absolution

And if I was wrong to tell my priest about the stress that I believe weakened me to sin then I can understand that I should not do that again

Angie

 

[Anglewannabe]

oops

 

[mary_bobo]

Seems to me like we are going in a circle here. Is it that you did not hear what you wanted to hear? If it is a sin, there is no way to justify it. All the circumstances in the world and all the explanations will not change that. Remember, I said IF it is a sin. If not, you need to look elsewhere for help in coming to an answer within yourself. I will pray for you.

 

[EasterJoy]

I can see how you could read that into the my post. Perhaps if I explained myself a bit better it would be clearer. I will use an example (and this is simply an example and has nothing to do with the reality)

Let’s say I lived in an apartment that was really noisy. I signed a lease I can not get out of and even if I could, it is the cheapest apartment in town and I could not afford financially to live anywhere else.

So because it is noisy, I can not sleep and that stresses me out. A priest is told to live in the church he is sent to so he never had to look or an apartment. Chances are, if I was to ask him how to look for an apartment he would not have good advice. If I was to try to explain to him how the process works, he would not understand. Now, since this is a soft spot for me, I would have trouble talking about it without being emotional. So I chose not to talk about it because I know it is not fair to him for me to blow my lid over something he wouldn’t be expected to know.

And no amount of counscelling is going to make my apartment less noisy. So when I was in confession, I was hoping for some spiritual direction to help me grin and bear it.

Does that make more sense?

Angie

I’m particularly concerned because you think it inevitable that you’ll blow your lid if someone tells you that you simply have to stop committing this sin. If you cannot remove the stress you’re in, can you mitigate? That is, can you go somewhere else for a nap once in awhile? Can you take some of your responsibilities off of yourself for as long as you are being forced to live in exhaustion? Holding onto the sin, in any case, is not an option. You may have to allow yourself to not do as much good as you like in order to lessen a near occasion of sin, but you can’t use temptation as an excuse, nor can you use the desire to accomplish some compensatory good as an excuse to put yourself in this position. You don’t defend good by committing bad acts.

In your example, it sounds like you are trying to tell your confessor that lack of sleep is some kind of an excuse for you to sin, which you allow yourself to believe because you’ve convinced yourself that your confessor cannot possibly be an insomniac. Either you could not have done differently or you could have done better but gave yourself permission to fall to temptation. If you could not have done differently, it wasn’t a sin. If you could have done differently, then quit making excuses. If it is somewhere in-between, that is still a spiritual fault to be addressed, not carte blanche to give yourself mulligans.

When we go to confession, we confess the immoral actions that we chose even though we knew they were wrong. We don’t get to claim extenuating circumstances. We admit what we did was wrong, we admit it was our fault that we chose to do it, we ask for absolution, and we fully intend avoid the sin in the future. Get more creative about looking for ways to keep yourself out of the near occasion of sin, do not beat yourself up if you fall, but also stop letting yourself think that temptation is an excuse.

 

[Jeremiah_29_11]

Well…yes I committed a sin which is why I went to confession. I am not comfortable saying what I did that was sinful, but I did need absolution

And if I was wrong to tell my priest about the stress that I believe weakened me to sin then I can understand that I should not do that again

Angie

It is not wrong to tell the priest about what weakened you to sin, it is just not necessary. It is not the time for spiritual counseling or stress management, as there are other people waiting for the sacrament and you do not have time to explain yourself and ask for counsel. If you sinned, then all you need to do is confess your sin, make your act of contrition, and do your penance. Whatever the reason you feel you have for the sin, that is justification or rationalization of the sin. It would be up to you to either change your circumstances, or change your response to those circumstances, not to find reasons why you have sinned and explain those to the priest. It could be the most rational excuse in the world, “I was under stress, I was being pressured, someone held a gun to my head,” etc. but in the end, WE CHOOSE TO SIN. That’s why you’re in confession, to get absolution, that’s IF you repent and intend firmly not to revisit that particular sin.

I still don’t know what you expect from a priest in confession.

 

[Anglewannabe]

If it is a sin, there is no way to justify it.

I 100% am willing to admit it is a sin and repent. I am however a firm believer that part of repenting is figuring out ways to avoid the sin in the future. I NEVER wanted to make excuses for sinning

 

[Anglewannabe]

if you speak with a priest and do not feel as though he is understanding your situation well enough to give you proper advice, then you either try to explain the situation (outside the confessional, at a more appropriate time) or find someone else who can help you. .

Fair enough, point taken

If the priest chooses to dispense any advice he thinks might be helpful for us to avoid certain sins, that is his choice, and we are free to take or leave his advice

That was my original dilemma. I felt guilty disregarding his advice and thus posted. I just wanted to know I others ever felt needed to ignore practical advice from a priest (not spiritual advice)

But confession is not primarily for spiritual direction,

Thank you for explaining. I though it was

. It seems that anytime someone suggests some counseling, you dismiss it- which makes it hard to understand what it is you are looking for.

Well… if you don’t understand what I am looking for, then I will respect if you don’t want to make anymore suggestions

 

[Anglewannabe]

I’m particularly concerned because you think it inevitable that you’ll blow your lid if someone tells you that you simply have to stop committing this sin…

I never said that. I understand I need to stop sinning. I have stress in my life and I will blow my lid if I try to explain the situation to someone and they don’t understand. These are 2 different things.

In your example, it sounds like you are trying to tell your confessor that lack of sleep is some kind of an excuse for you to sin, .

No, that is not what I am saying. I am saying I need to find a better way than sinning to deal with lack of sleep.

 

[Anglewannabe]

I still don’t know what you expect from a priest in confession.

If after everything I posted you still don’t understand, there is not much I can do and I am not going to explain further. I understand if you do not wish to respond anymore

 

[Soren_Itenu]

If you want absolution, go to a priest in the confessional.

If you want advice, go to a friend or confidant who has the same problems you do or at least understands your problems.

The confessional is not the only place for advice on how to conquer your besetting sin.

I have a besetting sin. My advice-giver is my wife, not my priest.

 

[underacloud]

So when I was in confession, I was hoping for some spiritual direction to help me grin and bear it.

Does that make more sense?

Angie

But from what you’ve explained it sounds like spiritual direction was given, but that you disagree with it.

It sounds like your priest is trying to offer you another way of viewing the issue. In my experience, priests often take this sort of apporach in the confessional. They try to help us see other viewpoints, other considerations; a fuller picture. Please try to consider what the priest has offered before dismissing it out of hand. We are not required as such to follow spiritual direction given in the confessional, but if you ignore it altogether you may be missing out on a great opportunity for growth.

If you want more guidance, and it takes 30 minutes to explain the situation, I’m not sure what you expected by way of guidance in this case. Surely an appointment where the issue can be discussed in greater detail is in order.

PS I’m a married man and some of the marital advice I’ve received from unmarried priests via confession has been priceless. Don’t dismiss a priest simply because he hasn’t walked in your shoes.