When your spouse has a personality disorder

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MadameButterfly

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It’s been a number of years since I posted on CAF. My marriage is at a crisis point and I’m struggling; please pray for me, my husband, and my children.

I apologize for the length.

My husband and I have been married 23 years and we have four sons, ages 22, 20, 16, and 14. On paper, we should have a good marriage; we’re both practicing Catholics, we agree on all the major issues (we never even had a money fight) and have similar tastes in music, movies, and the like. Unfortunately I suspect my dh has a personality disorder.

This summer, ds22 got his tongue pierced and my dh reacted horribly; he said and did things that prompted me to go into counseling. My dh hasn’t been diagnosed with anything, but he thinks that he might have OCD, ADHD, anxiety, and depression and based on preliminary tests, my therapist and I agree. Based on all the research I’ve done, I also believe my dh has OCPD (Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder). My therapist agrees that dh probably has OCPD with paranoid tendencies!

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Obsessive%E2%80%93compulsive_personality_disorder

Dh is a difficult person to live with; I “joke” that he has higher standards than God. Unfortunately, he also has a low tolerance for mistakes, others’ as well as his own.

We have problems communicating:
  1. His idea of communicating is him doing all the talking and everybody else doing all the listening (happens all the time, with everyone). If cutting me off mid-speech wasn’t bad enough, he rarely listens to what I say. On the rare occasion he does, he twists the conversation into something I never said. After decades of this, I’ve stopped talking to him about my wants, needs, and feelings.
  2. He talks to people with “The Tone”; it’s arrogant and condescending and gives off an “everybody’s an idiot but me” vibe. It happens often enough that various people have questioned why my dh doesn’t like them. If my dh wasn’t really good at his job, I’d think he’d be perpetually unemployed as various managers have commented about dh’s communication style before (negatively).
  3. The kids and I refuse to do projects with my dh. He yells and belittles you if you aren’t quick enough with his directions, or worse, if he asks for a hammer and you bring him one, he ends up yelling at you because what he really needed was a screwdriver. Doesn’t matter that he misspoke, we should have known that the job needed a screwdriver and not a hammer!
  4. Freak-out mode: if you bump something, drop something, spill something, or break something, my dh becomes highly agitated and rants about how careless we are, all the while questioning our intelligence.
  5. Super Freak-out mode: an incident happens that causes my dh to rant and rave for literally hours (yelling, swearing, and everyone ends up crying). After the “storm” has passed, we still get to hear about it, days, weeks, months, and even years later. Super freak-out mode has only occurred 6 times in 23 years, but it’s becoming more frequent. The 6 incidents were: ds16 broke his arm playing Clone Wars in the basement; the kids decided to rearrange the basement furniture; dh didn’t want my b-i-l to visit my ds in the hospital; I drove the Dodge Neon to my parents’ house (15mi away) instead of driving the Odyssey; ds 22 got his ear pierced the Saturday before Mother’s Day, and the same ds got a tongue ring two months later! [The incident in the hospital was so bad that I had to kick my dh out of the hospital the room!]
  6. Dh is very stingy with his apologies; he apologizes maybe 10% of the time (he has never apologized for his ranting & raving in super freak-out mode). In fact, dh thought that as long as he did something nice, he didn’t need to apologize!
OCPD traits that have been difficult to navigate:
  1. Things that are small and insignificant (at least to me) become a BIG DEAL. Our first argument was over the “correct” way to hang towels on the shower door!
  2. It takes my dh 2-3x as long to do projects, because they need to be done a certain way in order for them to be “perfect”. The kids and I have taken over these tasks to save time, but dh has been known to redo them if they weren’t done to his satisfaction (then later he’d complain he had to work so hard).
  3. Ds16 has requested that we not celebrate Christmas this year 😦 ! Dh has an image in his mind on what a perfect holiday should look like and the reality never matches it. As a result, someone ends up in tears (usually me, since I’m in charge of holiday celebrations and yes, I hate holidays as a result).
to be continued…
 
Part 2

Relationship issues:
  1. Fear and worry are dh’s dominant emotions. He’s so obsessed with trying to prevent BAD things from happening to his family (i.e.-double bolting the front door in case someone breaks in, hides in the basement and hacks us all to pieces in the middle of the night…) that he’s become very controlling.
  2. Dh works hard at his job and then comes home and works hard at maintaining the yard/garden; he feels that that is all he needs to do to be a good husband/father.
  3. Dh has neglected all his relationships: immediate family, extended family, KofC, friends. He expects me to be his only source of emotional support and I find that to be smothering.
  4. I’m not first in my husband’s life. According to my therapist, dh “hasn’t sufficiently separated from his family of origin”. If I didn’t have a strained relationship with my parents (my in-laws became a surrogate family to me), I would have noticed sooner. According to my dh, if your wife and your mother disagree on something, of course you side with your mother (told me that not too long ago). I sometimes feel like nothing more than a nanny/housekeeper; he expects me to take care of him like a surrogate mother, yet treats me like one of the kids.
  5. Dh thinks it’s more meritorious to be charitable to strangers! I don’t mind if dh treats strangers as well as his family, but when strangers get better treatment…well, I have a problem with that.
OCPD and our faith life:
  1. We have been at the same parish for 17 years and out of the blue, dh wanted to join another parish. Since the switch coincided with my ds moving out, every time we went to the new parish, I could barely keep the tears back, so after two months, I told my dh that if the new parish met his spiritual needs, he could stay, but the kids and I were going back to our home parish.
  2. I am hanging onto my faith by a thread. Dh is an anti-evangelist; the more he talks about the Faith, the more people become turned off of Catholicism. If I didn’t know intellectually that Catholicism is the Truth, I would have left the Faith years ago. Seeing dh’s hypocrisy is amazing to behold; he bemoans the state of marriage and family in the world and yet his marriage and family are in shambles and he doesn’t even notice! And then there’s the judgmentalism… As a result, ds22 and ds20 have left the church and ds16 and ds14 wan’t want to go to separate Masses.
The first five years of marriage, things weren’t too bad, but unfortunately, the trials and tribulations of life have triggered the OCPD, especially after my f-i-l died (10/2002). As the years pass, things are getting progressively worse.

After my 1st counseling session, my therapist gave me a dire prediction; unless my dh goes to counseling, our marriage will get worse (the paranoia, as well as the controlling behavior will increase). I don’t think I can handle worse! It was like our married was diagnosed with a stage 4 cancer that has metastasized!

Things have calmed down since ds22 moved out, but I know it’s just the “calm before the storm”. At the present time, I’m working on myself: I’m “healing the hurt”, reconnecting with family/friends that I’ve neglected over the years and I joined an online support group for people with loved ones who have OCPD. I’ve also read Boundaries in Marriage and am implementing new boundaries (it’s the only way to live with an OCPD spouse).

I’m also trying to figure out what the best course action regarding my younger dc. Ds20 has a decent relationship with his father (he graded his relationship as a B-), but ds16’s isn’t all that great (he graded his relationship as a D). As for ds14, I always thought his relationship was okay, but by talking to him, it was worse than I thought (C-). [Btw, I’d grade my marriage as a D].

I’m praying for the best, but preparing for the worst.

MB
 
They say the devil is in the details; when we trust in God we submit to the details being handled by God. Marriage basics, 101; Q: “What is the mission of marriage?” A: “To get your spouse into heaven!”

Now, you both seem to be suffocating over the details, and the overall tone indicates this is your mess to control. Your children have all grown up, and there is still mother smothering going on. Practice in letting children take small steps to separate from parents is good. Their failures will be up to them and God to continue with. I’m always amazed how a few generations ago, children left home at 18 and succeeded. I read about the Blessed Mother Teresa of Calcutta and how she left home at 18, wrote favorably about parents, but never blame them or praised them for adult achievement. As too did JPII (we luv u).

Peace be with you in your quest to get your husband to heaven.
 
I honestly don’t think reading all of this if there is any “quick” advice we could give you in your situation. It looks like you have 4 older kids and they are starting to leave and go so that sort of family change is bringing up things that have been festering under the surface of years. Since you are working with a therapist, you need to focus there and not asking strangers over the internet that don’t know you and your spouse for marital advice. The problems just didn’t show up and have been there for years and now that you are facing the start of an empty nest, all these issues come out. You also paint a rather ugly picture of your husband and if we had his side of the story, I’m sure he would have things to say about you too. You are not going to help yourself if you keep labeling him with all these personality problems. If he really is all these things, he has been so for years. The only person anyone can change is themselves. He isn’t going to change for you and you may have to accept that.
 
Hi MadameButterfly,

I am so very sorry for everything that you are going through. 😦

It sounds like you are doing everything that you can though, to get help for yourself and for your children.

It’s good that you have support for yourself in terms of friends and family, and that you have also found an on-line support group, too, where you can also connect with others. That support is really important, so that you don’t feel so alone in what you are going through.

It’s difficult when you have a family member who has a Personality Disorder, because they really believe that everyone around them is the one who is “at fault/has problems,” and not them, so they don’t really believe that they are the ones who need counseling. I also have family members who are like this, so I do understand.

Prayers said for you during this stressful time. Hang in there, and know that I am thinking of you. May God bless you and your family.
 
Giggly Giraffe,

Thank you for blaming me for my problems and making it seem like what I’m gong through is no big deal! I hope you never have to deal with a son who thinks his father doesn’t love him because he’s not perfect! I hope you don’t have to deal with a son who has anxiety, depression, and an eating disorder as a result. I hope you never have to worry that your son is going to end up hanging from the rafters like Robin Williams because he thinks that life has no meaning. I hope you don’t have to see your son in so much pain that he burns himself with cigarettes!

I made a mistake in posting my problems on CAF; if I couldn’t receive moral support, at the very least I thought I would receive prayers. Instead I received blame.

MB
 
MadameButterfly said:
Giggly Giraffe,

Thank you for blaming me for my problems and making it seem like what I’m gong through is no big deal! I hope you never have to deal with a son who thinks his father doesn’t love him because he’s not perfect! I hope you don’t have to deal with a son who has anxiety, depression, and an eating disorder as a result. I hope you never have to worry that your son is going to end up hanging from the rafters like Robin Williams because he thinks that life has no meaning. I hope you don’t have to see your son in so much pain that he burns himself with cigarettes!

I made a mistake in posting my problems on CAF; if I couldn’t receive moral support, at the very least I thought I would receive prayers. Instead I received blame.

MB
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I’m sorry you feel that way. I don’t think I was trying to blame you. For me, I know I generally don’t like long posts with too much personal info. I don’t think all these issues are recent. It’s been a long term haul and you are tired. There really isn’t a good way to give advice over the internet like this. Many times posters with long complicated issues get mad at the responses they get but sometimes the reader sees different issues than the poster. I have never liked the use of initials like DH etc. I think it is demeaning. Maybe next time, you could just ask for prayers and say my husband and I are having major problems I need your prayers. You then leave out all the details and you will get the support you need. I will keep you in my prayers.
 
Robwar,

Thank you for your prayers.

You’re right, I should have posted this in Prayer Intentions, but I was hoping for both prayers as well a practical support; unfortunately, it was not meant to be.

MB
 
I’m amazed that you’ve been married 23 years and things have only gotten to a head now.

I haven’t read your follow-up yet, but what comes to mind is:
  1. Keep working with your therapist on how to talk to him. You’ll probably want to have a set of canned responses ready for when he goes off.
  2. Do marriage counseling, too, if you can get him there. You need to be able to talk about your feelings, and it sounds like doing so in front of a third party is going to be necessary.
  3. Have him talk to his doctor. It sounds like he is getting worse. I wonder if there isn’t a medication that would help take the edge off?
  4. Figure out what you want from him after he’s done something really egregious. Make it big. If he rants for two hours, whatever he has to do to make up for it needs to be something that takes two hours, two. Mention this plan to him as he is beginning his next rant. He may realize it’s not worthwhile.
  5. Although the OCPD is definitely a strong option, I’m wondering if there isn’t an admixture of autism spectrum. What leads me in that direction is the long, spectacular multihour “tantrums”–those are not uncommon with autistic children. So, if I were you, I would also do research on the autism spectrum. (OCD and autism are not infrequently found together in the same person.)
A lot of the materials on how to manage the autistic child will have advice that you may find very helpful.
  1. Don’t let him take away Christmas. If he won’t allow Christmas at home, make arrangements to have a Christmas celebration outside your home. If he wants to join you, he can, but if he doesn’t want to, that’s also fine. Your older children are big enough that between all of you, it should be possible to pull off a small celebration without too much effort.
 
MadameButterfly said:
Part 2

Relationship issues:
  1. Dh works hard at his job and then comes home and works hard at maintaining the yard/garden; he feels that that is all he needs to do to be a good husband/father.
Probably don’t say this, but go ahead and think it: "That’s interesting, DH, I have never seen anything about manicured lawns in the Bible or the Catechism. Are you sure that it’s in there?"
  1. Dh has neglected all his relationships: immediate family, extended family, KofC, friends. He expects me to be his only source of emotional support and I find that to be smothering.
  2. I’m not first in my husband’s life. According to my therapist, dh “hasn’t sufficiently separated from his family of origin”. If I didn’t have a strained relationship with my parents (my in-laws became a surrogate family to me), I would have noticed sooner. According to my dh, if your wife and your mother disagree on something, of course you side with your mother (told me that not too long ago). I sometimes feel like nothing more than a nanny/housekeeper; he expects me to take care of him like a surrogate mother, yet treats me like one of the kids.
**Can you haul him to your pastor’s office and talk about this? Again, this is totally contradictory to common sense and the faith. Genesis 2:4 (which is quoted in the NT, so it’s kind of a big deal): “For this reason a man shall leave his father and his mother, and be joined to his wife; and they shall become one flesh.” It’s not, a man and his mom will become one flesh. (Ew!) **
  1. Dh thinks it’s more meritorious to be charitable to strangers! I don’t mind if dh treats strangers as well as his family, but when strangers get better treatment…well, I have a problem with that.
**That’s another talk-to-the-pastor issue.

I think a lot of times when people do that (and it’s not just your husband), it’s because there’s more glory to be had in doing stuff for outsiders than for the members of your own household. **

OCPD and our faith life:
  1. We have been at the same parish for 17 years and out of the blue, dh wanted to join another parish. Since the switch coincided with my ds moving out, every time we went to the new parish, I could barely keep the tears back, so after two months, I told my dh that if the new parish met his spiritual needs, he could stay, but the kids and I were going back to our home parish.
That’s unfortunate.
  1. I am hanging onto my faith by a thread. Dh is an anti-evangelist; the more he talks about the Faith, the more people become turned off of Catholicism. If I didn’t know intellectually that Catholicism is the Truth, I would have left the Faith years ago. Seeing dh’s hypocrisy is amazing to behold; he bemoans the state of marriage and family in the world and yet his marriage and family are in shambles and he doesn’t even notice! And then there’s the judgmentalism… As a result, ds22 and ds20 have left the church and ds16 and ds14 wan’t want to go to separate Masses.
**Feel free to bring your concerns up every time your husband talks about the state of marriage and family and society today.

I don’t think your husband is a hypocrite, strictly speaking, but I think he has no self-awareness and no awareness of his effect on other people. **

The first five years of marriage, things weren’t too bad, but unfortunately, the trials and tribulations of life have triggered the OCPD, especially after my f-i-l died (10/2002). As the years pass, things are getting progressively worse.

After my 1st counseling session, my therapist gave me a dire prediction; unless my dh goes to counseling, our marriage will get worse (the paranoia, as well as the controlling behavior will increase). I don’t think I can handle worse! It was like our married was diagnosed with a stage 4 cancer that has metastasized!

**I suspect that medication is going to be involved if he is going to get better. But counseling is good, too!

It would be great to get him some outside emotional support. **

Things have calmed down since ds22 moved out, but I know it’s just the “calm before the storm”. At the present time, I’m working on myself: I’m “healing the hurt”, reconnecting with family/friends that I’ve neglected over the years and I joined an online support group for people with loved ones who have OCPD. I’ve also read Boundaries in Marriage and am implementing new boundaries (it’s the only way to live with an OCPD spouse).

Good!

I’m also trying to figure out what the best course action regarding my younger dc. Ds20 has a decent relationship with his father (he graded his relationship as a B-), but ds16’s isn’t all that great (he graded his relationship as a D). As for ds14, I always thought his relationship was okay, but by talking to him, it was worse than I thought (C-). [Btw, I’d grade my marriage as a D].

I’m praying for the best, but preparing for the worst.

MB
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Best wishes!
 
There’s a book entitled Alone Together about marriage to an autistic adult that you may find helpful and hope-giving.

Best wishes!
 
I don’t know if this at all applies, or is feasible but will throw it out there just to think about.

Your husband does not sound like the type of person who can be reasoned with easily. I propose this:
  1. When there is a calm moment, talk to him and explain one way he can treat you with more respect. For example, no yelling… Or no talking to me like a 2 year old.
  2. By itself #1 won’t work, but at least you have articulated how he needs to change his behavior. If he disagrees with you are starts to argue, then cease the discussion immediately. Do not argue with him at all.
  3. When he treats you in a matter you told him was disrespectful, immediately walk out of the house. Take a drive somewhere or a walk around the block. Don’t say anything - just do it.
  4. Return home and see how he reacts. If he starts laying into you, turn right back around and leave the house again.
  5. Repeat steps 3 and 4 until he stops treating you disrespectfully for the day or evening.
  6. If he has questions or wants to talk about this, only do so when he is calm and lets you talk. If he starts to argue or interrupt, again cease the conversation and walk away.
The idea here is to tell him that what he is doing is harmful by using actions and not words, and without resorting to more drastic measures.

This has worked for me in a somewhat different, somewhat similar situation. It may not apply to you. In fact, it may be bad advice for you. If so, please accept my apology for wasting your time. You and yours are in my prayers.
 
Groo said:
I don’t know if this at all applies, or is feasible but will throw it out there just to think about.

Your husband does not sound like the type of person who can be reasoned with easily. I propose this:
  1. When there is a calm moment, talk to him and explain one way he can treat you with more respect. For example, no yelling… Or no talking to me like a 2 year old.
  2. By itself #1 won’t work, but at least you have articulated how he needs to change his behavior. If he disagrees with you are starts to argue, then cease the discussion immediately. Do not argue with him at all.
  3. When he treats you in a matter you told him was disrespectful, immediately walk out of the house. Take a drive somewhere or a walk around the block. Don’t say anything - just do it.
  4. Return home and see how he reacts. If he starts laying into you, turn right back around and leave the house again.
  5. Repeat steps 3 and 4 until he stops treating you disrespectfully for the day or evening.
  6. If he has questions or wants to talk about this, only do so when he is calm and lets you talk. If he starts to argue or interrupt, again cease the conversation and walk away.
The idea here is to tell him that what he is doing is harmful by using actions and not words, and without resorting to more drastic measures.

This has worked for me in a somewhat different, somewhat similar situation. It may not apply to you. In fact, it may be bad advice for you. If so, please accept my apology for wasting your time. You and yours are in my prayers.
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I think I’d add that if the OP does this, she should say something like, “I’m going to be back in an hour. I hope you’re feeling better by the time I get back.”

It’s normal spousal courtesy to give notice as to one’s schedule and comings and goings and I think doing so sets a good example to the OP’s husband.

In general, I think the OP may need to be more explicit about what she is doing for her husband and ask him to return the favor. (Example: Honey, I just listened to you tell me about your day. I listened sympathetically, without interrupting for the first five minutes, and provided emotional support and encouragement. Now, I’m going to tell you about my day, and I’d like you to listen sympathetically for about five minutes and provide emotional support and encouragement. It’s now 5:20. My time will be up at 5:25…) That may sound weird, but if the OP’s husband has a tendency to verbally steamroll her and others for socially-unacceptable stretches of time, it may be necessary to put him on the clock and help him become more conscious of how much air time he consumes and that other people like to be listened to, too.

Of course, listen to your therapist.
 
Madame Butterfly,

I am so sorry for your suffering. You and your sons will be in my prayers. :console:

After having done a lot of research I am convinced my father has a personality disorder. Not the same thing as your husband, but still it was bad enough to heavily impact the mental health of all the family members.

He left my mother after 26 years of marriage and that was a blessing. All of my memories of my mother as I was growing up was her being under enormous stress. Walking on eggshells. Showing signs of anxiety. Never knowing what was coming next. Always being on the edge and exploding on us kids for small things.

After they separated it took her a few years to fully recover but now a days she is a calm, happy woman. Once the source of toxicity left her life she started to go back to her normal self. That is what she told me once: that she feels like herself again, after all the years of abuse.

My brother and I suffered immensely when we were younger, and while my brother’s relationship with our dad is currently distant but civil, I no longer speak to the freak.

The reason why I’m telling you this is that if you live with someone who has a personality disorder, you and your children will be destroyed by it. Please forgive the posters here who have not responded charitably. People who have not experienced this have no clue what it is like. I do understand, truly.

I hate to see families fall apart, but what you have described is far from normal. God doesn’t want people to be destroyed like that. You need to think about your sanity and about your sons.

Praying for you.
 
Contra_Mundum said:
The reason why I’m telling you this is that if you live with someone who has a personality disorder, you and your children will be destroyed by it. Please forgive the posters here who have not responded charitably. People who have not experienced this have no clue what it is like. I do understand, truly.
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Others on here suffer from personality disorders themselves and don’t appreciate having people make out that they are worse than the devil. I haven’t destroyed anyones life. Nor have most people I know with personality disorders.

It’s worth remembering the most extreme cases aren’t necessarily the norm. Just because you think your father is a horrible person, you shouldn’t automatically extend that to all of us.
 
CatholicSheila said:
It’s worth remembering the most extreme cases aren’t necessarily the norm. Just because you think your father is a horrible person, you shouldn’t automatically extend that to all of us.
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I haven’t. My comment was intended to the OP only. But I understand why you think it’s personal.
 
MadameButterfly said:
Giggly Giraffe,

Thank you for blaming me for my problems and making it seem like what I’m gong through is no big deal! I hope you never have to deal with a son who thinks his father doesn’t love him because he’s not perfect! I hope you don’t have to deal with a son who has anxiety, depression, and an eating disorder as a result. I hope you never have to worry that your son is going to end up hanging from the rafters like Robin Williams because he thinks that life has no meaning. I hope you don’t have to see your son in so much pain that he burns himself with cigarettes!

I made a mistake in posting my problems on CAF; if I couldn’t receive moral support, at the very least I thought I would receive prayers. Instead I received blame.

MB
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My articulation skills on this blog must suck. Blame is NOT my focus; however 1 COR 13 (I must read 2-3 times a day) has taught me we can only change ourselves. In trying to get you to change yourself instead of your family, I have come across blunt and rude. However, I stand by you need to focus on how to get your husband to heaven.

As for having childreen as you described, I have already been the child who burnt themselves with cigarette, I have already been the child who though my father was too perfect … I have experienced your situation from your childrens perspective … I have had deep suicial tendancies several times in my life. The major difference is that I was a motherless child. Looking back, a loving mother would have been a blessing and a curse. As I read between the lines on your efforts, your focus on the kids is part of what is tearing the marriage apart … “Let no one separate what God put together” … This includes kids … Again, sorry if I am too abrupt, m life experiences have left me still a little jagged. However, despite all my harsh life experiences, I have turned to God and try not to keep my eyes focused off God. My dad (rip) is probably crying tears of joy on how I turned my life around after smothering (his death) stopped.

My DH might too be OCD. Yes, I’m still reading 1 Cor 13 to change me instead of falsely beliving I can change him.
 
I have been diagnosed with Major Depression, OCD, Anxiety disorder and Borderline Personality disorder. It’s hard enough for me to deal with this, I can only imagine how it is for someone else who is close to me. I have upset other people, but not out of malice. I try to be open enough to people to let them know that my behavior isn’t necessarily something against them personally. For a person with these disorders, and others as well, it’s important to get them into treatment and on medication as needed. Ignored, these problems only get worse. Worse yet is the attitude of “just snap out of it.” I’ve even received that bit of advice during a spell of obsessing about something. And it was a priest who said it. :eek:

Please don’t give up Madame Butterfly. It’s truly a hard road for you, but you also need to get through to your husband that he needs to be in counseling and probably on medication. Even then, don’t expect miracles. Pray to God for that bit. I’ll lift you up in prayer, and my St. Dymphna take your intentions to the Lord.
 
Groo said:
I don’t know if this at all applies, or is feasible but will throw it out there just to think about.

Your husband does not sound like the type of person who can be reasoned with easily. I propose this:
  1. When there is a calm moment, talk to him and explain one way he can treat you with more respect. For example, no yelling… Or no talking to me like a 2 year old.
  2. By itself #1 won’t work, but at least you have articulated how he needs to change his behavior. If he disagrees with you are starts to argue, then cease the discussion immediately. Do not argue with him at all.
  3. When he treats you in a matter you told him was disrespectful, immediately walk out of the house. Take a drive somewhere or a walk around the block. Don’t say anything - just do it.
  4. Return home and see how he reacts. If he starts laying into you, turn right back around and leave the house again.
  5. Repeat steps 3 and 4 until he stops treating you disrespectfully for the day or evening.
  6. If he has questions or wants to talk about this, only do so when he is calm and lets you talk. If he starts to argue or interrupt, again cease the conversation and walk away.
The idea here is to tell him that what he is doing is harmful by using actions and not words, and without resorting to more drastic measures.

This has worked for me in a somewhat different, somewhat similar situation. It may not apply to you. In fact, it may be bad advice for you. If so, please accept my apology for wasting your time. You and yours are in my prayers.
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The problem with this and a lot of the other advice is that your assuming that her husband would respond and reason like a normal person. This would send my husband over the edge and be disastrous. The thing is, it’s not bad all the time. There are good times too. We forget how bad it gets. MB I think you deserve to be in a loving relationship where you are able to flourish. I think it would be a good idea to weigh your options gather your support system and see if a separation of divorce is a real option for you, since nobody else will say
It. I don’t know if it is or isn’t but unless he is actively trying to get better, and actually getting better, it won’t change.
It really stinks to walk around on eggshells, not be able to have people over for fear of what mood he will be in, avoid social gatherings because you cannot trust how they will behave, and make excuses all the time to rationalize to yourself why you are there still. It’s no way to live and I don’t care what anybody else says about holiness. I am in the same boat. In the process of weighing my options. Today was a good day so lose my motivation to move forward, I tell myself it’s not so bad, and before I know it I will get bludgeoned agai. By his insanity. At the end of the day it’s abuse. Laugh and mock if you want, but it is. Disorder or not, it is very difficult to live with. Your kids are grown up. You don’t have to anymore if you don’t want to. There I said it.
Be well my friend.
 
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