L
LostAgain
Guest
I’m a 59 year old man in a deep depression on where my life is at and where to go from here. My father was Catholic but originally my mother was not. She converted so they could get married in the church. I believe I went to Catechism classes at about age 6 but never had Confirmation. My mother had many miscarriages before I was born and shortly after I completed Catechism she had another, only this was different. My father had many friends who were Priests that would come to dinner. One of them had been in Rome and returned with a holy relic (which I don’t remember what it was) and blessed my mother’s belly with the relic to ensure health and successful birth. Unfortunately, my mother lost the baby in the late 8th or early 9th month. This was back in the early 1960’s when medical technology was nothing like it is today. My mother blamed God for what happened and we never went to church again after that which is why I was never confirmed.
Fast forward to my 17th year when my father passed away. I was totally lost as he was my entire world during my childhood. Not only did my father pass away but my mother and I had to move from the house we lived in which came with the job my father had. We lived in a rural suburban area but had to move to a city to get an apartment which forced my mother to euthanize our two dogs. I graduated High School that same year with all the changes that brings and found myself in the workforce. From the point of my father passing to being out in workforce took place within a 6 month time frame. To say I was in a state of shock back then would be an understatement.
All during my school years I was very shy and never had a girlfriend. I met someone later in the year after all the above happend who I consider to be the love of my life, even though we never had the opportunity to date due to a 3rd party (an ever longer story that I’m not going to go into here) but to this day I still feel the same way about her. Perhaps after all that happend that year is why my feelings for her became so ingrained into me. After we lost touch I had the misfortune to eventually meet and marry someone when I was 25 who turned out to be (and this is no joke) a Satanist. I was unaware of that fact until about 5 years into the marriage. I may not have been a very religious person at that point in my life but I believed in God and Satan and wanted no part in Satan so I got out of the marriage as soon as I could. A few years later I met someone else and remarried. In both cases I knew I was settling for a relationship because I did not think I would ever love someone like I the one I had lost out on.
The first marriage was performed by a Methodist minister in our home. Neither my first wife nor myself were baptized into the Methodist faith. She attended the church because she wanted to sing in the choir (after finding out about her being a Satanist I have no idea why) and I attended because she did. My current wife is not religious at all. She is of the “I’ll believe it when God shows it to me” mind set. We were married by a Justice of the Peace. We have been together for about 26 years but have been growing farther and farther apart. The relationship is now at a very toxic stage and neither of us is happy. I know that the only reason we’re still together now is she can’t work because of a physical disability and with the economy and my increasing inability to get work due to my age I can’t afford to pay for two residences, so it’s just easier to leave things as they are.
Within the last few months I rediscovered the person I consider the love of my life. I found out she has never been married and has had much pain in her life because she has been lonely and felt unloved by anyone. I can’t express how much that pains me to know considering how I’ve felt about her ever since I met her but was never able to tell her. Now I don’t know if we could ever be together even if she was interested (I have not approached her about this, in fact there has been only communication through email and nothing of an intemate/feelings nature, just as one old friend to another).
Over the years she has become extremely active in the Catholic Church which filled the void in her life where she now devotes almost all of her free time. I had been active in the Baptist faith for a number of years. My biggest problem is that between wife #1 and wife #2 (please no flames on this, I’m depressed enough already) I contracted HIV. I was diagnosed shortly after marrying wife #2 who is not infected and how that happened we have no idea.
I’ve done a lot of searches concerning the views of the Catholic Church and HIV. I find a lot of mixed opinions on the subject. It’s like getting 100 Pastors in a room to give a sermon on a bible verse and getting 100 different interpretations on what it means. I don’t know what to do. I know my marriage is over and nothing is going to change that. I’m trying to discover if there is any way that my health status could be overcome based on current Catholic Church doctrine assuming (and this would be a huge assumption) that this person would even consider it on a personal level being with someone with my condition. If she would consider it on a personal level I know her current devotion to the Church would have a huge impact on her decision to even associate with me.
I know we could never have unprotected relations. With the drug regimen I’m on my virus level is undetectable but that doesn’t mean not present. I know the church says that’s not possible because you can’t inhibit the ability to procreate, but we’re both well past child bearing age so there’s nothing to inhibit plus the FDA is now approving the drug regimen for spouses to prevent infection when using protection. My current wife and I have not been intimate for many years so that in itself does not bother me to go that route but in that situation it means I would not be able to consummate a marriage to a Catholic woman even if she could get past that idea.
My belief in God is such that coming back to the Catholic Church would not be an impediment to me, but I don’t know how or if I could fit into the Catholic Church or if I should even consider a possible relationship with the person I’ve wanted to be with most of my adult life.
I don’t have the words to convey the amount of despair I have in my life at this point. I need to make I changes because I go to bed wishing not to see my 60th birthday. Some might think that’s possible considering my condition but I’m currently as healthy as a horse so not any relief there either. I’ve been considering contacting the Priest who presided at my father’s funeral. I have not seen him in 41 years but he’s still alive doing God’s work. I have no idea if there is anything he can say to guide me, I can only pray at this point.
Fast forward to my 17th year when my father passed away. I was totally lost as he was my entire world during my childhood. Not only did my father pass away but my mother and I had to move from the house we lived in which came with the job my father had. We lived in a rural suburban area but had to move to a city to get an apartment which forced my mother to euthanize our two dogs. I graduated High School that same year with all the changes that brings and found myself in the workforce. From the point of my father passing to being out in workforce took place within a 6 month time frame. To say I was in a state of shock back then would be an understatement.
All during my school years I was very shy and never had a girlfriend. I met someone later in the year after all the above happend who I consider to be the love of my life, even though we never had the opportunity to date due to a 3rd party (an ever longer story that I’m not going to go into here) but to this day I still feel the same way about her. Perhaps after all that happend that year is why my feelings for her became so ingrained into me. After we lost touch I had the misfortune to eventually meet and marry someone when I was 25 who turned out to be (and this is no joke) a Satanist. I was unaware of that fact until about 5 years into the marriage. I may not have been a very religious person at that point in my life but I believed in God and Satan and wanted no part in Satan so I got out of the marriage as soon as I could. A few years later I met someone else and remarried. In both cases I knew I was settling for a relationship because I did not think I would ever love someone like I the one I had lost out on.
The first marriage was performed by a Methodist minister in our home. Neither my first wife nor myself were baptized into the Methodist faith. She attended the church because she wanted to sing in the choir (after finding out about her being a Satanist I have no idea why) and I attended because she did. My current wife is not religious at all. She is of the “I’ll believe it when God shows it to me” mind set. We were married by a Justice of the Peace. We have been together for about 26 years but have been growing farther and farther apart. The relationship is now at a very toxic stage and neither of us is happy. I know that the only reason we’re still together now is she can’t work because of a physical disability and with the economy and my increasing inability to get work due to my age I can’t afford to pay for two residences, so it’s just easier to leave things as they are.
Within the last few months I rediscovered the person I consider the love of my life. I found out she has never been married and has had much pain in her life because she has been lonely and felt unloved by anyone. I can’t express how much that pains me to know considering how I’ve felt about her ever since I met her but was never able to tell her. Now I don’t know if we could ever be together even if she was interested (I have not approached her about this, in fact there has been only communication through email and nothing of an intemate/feelings nature, just as one old friend to another).
Over the years she has become extremely active in the Catholic Church which filled the void in her life where she now devotes almost all of her free time. I had been active in the Baptist faith for a number of years. My biggest problem is that between wife #1 and wife #2 (please no flames on this, I’m depressed enough already) I contracted HIV. I was diagnosed shortly after marrying wife #2 who is not infected and how that happened we have no idea.
I’ve done a lot of searches concerning the views of the Catholic Church and HIV. I find a lot of mixed opinions on the subject. It’s like getting 100 Pastors in a room to give a sermon on a bible verse and getting 100 different interpretations on what it means. I don’t know what to do. I know my marriage is over and nothing is going to change that. I’m trying to discover if there is any way that my health status could be overcome based on current Catholic Church doctrine assuming (and this would be a huge assumption) that this person would even consider it on a personal level being with someone with my condition. If she would consider it on a personal level I know her current devotion to the Church would have a huge impact on her decision to even associate with me.
I know we could never have unprotected relations. With the drug regimen I’m on my virus level is undetectable but that doesn’t mean not present. I know the church says that’s not possible because you can’t inhibit the ability to procreate, but we’re both well past child bearing age so there’s nothing to inhibit plus the FDA is now approving the drug regimen for spouses to prevent infection when using protection. My current wife and I have not been intimate for many years so that in itself does not bother me to go that route but in that situation it means I would not be able to consummate a marriage to a Catholic woman even if she could get past that idea.
My belief in God is such that coming back to the Catholic Church would not be an impediment to me, but I don’t know how or if I could fit into the Catholic Church or if I should even consider a possible relationship with the person I’ve wanted to be with most of my adult life.
I don’t have the words to convey the amount of despair I have in my life at this point. I need to make I changes because I go to bed wishing not to see my 60th birthday. Some might think that’s possible considering my condition but I’m currently as healthy as a horse so not any relief there either. I’ve been considering contacting the Priest who presided at my father’s funeral. I have not seen him in 41 years but he’s still alive doing God’s work. I have no idea if there is anything he can say to guide me, I can only pray at this point.