Where is she?

[Horizon18]

Hey everyone,

So I’m a Catholic man in my late 20s who’s facing a bit of disappointment lately in terms of dating prospects. Specifically, Catholic dating prospects.

From high school through graduate school, getting dates was easy. I’m confident, very social, and (not to sound vain) I get noticed. I didn’t go to Catholic schools and fell away in many ways, including how I pursued relationships.

As I’ve come back to the Church in the last couple years, I’ve really tried to get into the “settling down” mindset and find a Catholic woman who would be a good partner. Mindful that I’ve been far from perfect, I’ve always been open to meeting someone who’s also come back to their faith. I’ve changed my priorities so that I look for faithfulness first.

So here’s my problem… I can find and date plenty of great ladies in my large city, but a good Catholic girl has eluded me so far. My archdiocese places less than zero emphasis on matchmaking (and singles in general). The women I meet through Church young adults groups are good people, but they fall into three groups I don’t want to get involved with: 1) those who have been totally mistreated and hurt by jerks and are somewhat damaged/broken emotionally, 2) those who have extreme temperaments (either towards passivity or control), and 3) those who seem to be straight and interested in men but just don’t make romance a priority (future spinsters?). I’m less picky than this sounds… these are traits that will sabotage any relationship.

Occasionally I’ve found a gem who’s emotionally healthy, moderate in her temperament, and also romantic/affectionate. Basically a really cool girl who happens to be Catholic. I’ve only met a couple of these girls, but as is often the case when you’re dealing with small numbers, I haven’t found the right one. I dated a great lady like this for over a year before she discerned that religious life was her calling.

I’m frustrated that I’m looking in all the right places and I’m still single. I could date some very committed Protestants tomorrow. They would be cute, smart, committed to Christ, but not Catholic. I’m basically at the point where I feel like God has always called me to have a family and I have no idea why he hasn’t put a great Catholic woman in my path to make that happen. At this point, I’m thinking that dropping Catholicism as an absolute criterion is a good decision. I know some of you may think I should just “wait until God delivers” but honestly, I don’t feel that I’m living out my calling that way.

I’ve prayed a lot about this, but I’m still undecided.

Any thoughts?

 

[ShanaA1984]

I have no advie for you since I am in the same boat, I feel called to married life but I can’t find anyone. All I can tell you is to keep praying and keep looking.

 

[LotusCarsLtd]

Same problem here. My issue is that those faithful Catholic women are out there but they are either:

*Already dating/engaged/married;

*Not interested in me;

*Or some other guy beats me to the punch.

Frankly I’m sick of the rejection and really feel like just giving up a search for a wife. I’m debating if it’s even worth my time anymore.

As for dating Protestants, DON’T DO IT. Stick with faithful Catholic women as hard as it is to find them. You’ll be much happier, especially when the kids roll around.

P.S.: Yes, the Church ABSOLUTELY MUST do more to help single Catholics find spouses. The vocational crisis isn’t just in the priesthood and religious life…it’s also in the married life. Because lest we forget: No spouses for single Catholics = No families created = No new vocations. It’s a very self destructive process. Begin with marriage then move to the other vocations.

 

[ShanaA1984]

Yes, the Church ABSOLUTELY MUST do more to help single Catholics find spouses. The vocational crisis isn’t just in the priesthood and religious life…it’s also in the married life. Because lest we forget: No spouses for single Catholics = No families created = No new vocations. It’s a very self destructive process. Begin with marriage then move to the other vocations.

Agree 100%

 

[ccmnxc]

I have two answers (I’m guessing you alredy know them), you have to know yourself to find which is better. God will reward you for your patience and bring you the best partner possible, or He might be calling you to some other vocation.
Pretty boring and typical response, I realize, but perhaps a good reminder.

 

[Crescentinus]

Same problem here. My issue is that those faithful Catholic women are out there but they are either:

*Already dating/engaged/married;

*Not interested in me;

*Or some other guy beats me to the punch.

Frankly I’m sick of the rejection and really feel like just giving up a search for a wife. I’m debating if it’s even worth my time anymore.

As for dating Protestants, DON’T DO IT. Stick with faithful Catholic women as hard as it is to find them. You’ll be much happier, especially when the kids roll around.

P.S.: Yes, the Church ABSOLUTELY MUST do more to help single Catholics find spouses. The vocational crisis isn’t just in the priesthood and religious life…it’s also in the married life. Because lest we forget: No spouses for single Catholics = No families created = No new vocations. It’s a very self destructive process. Begin with marriage then move to the other vocations.

It’s odd that this is also my situation.

 

[triumphguy]

I was 30 before I met my wife to be.

 

[MidnightSun12]

I have two answers (I’m guessing you alredy know them), you have to know yourself to find which is better. God will reward you for your patience and bring you the best partner possible, or He might be calling you to some other vocation.
Pretty boring and typical response, I realize, but perhaps a good reminder.

Actually I think this was a great response that hits very close to the mark.

Simply put, we don’t have to “find” our spouses… God will take care of that. If you are being called to marriage then God will bring a lady into your life when He is ready for you to meet her and she will be more perfect for you then anybody you could have met on your own.

The only thing you need to focus on right now is loving God with your whole heart as well as doing some discerning about what your vocation might be. If you have determined that you are being called to marriage then just sit back and relax and let God worry about finding you the right person.

I recommend that you read the story of Tobias and Saira to get an appreciation for just how involved God is when it comes to bringing together two spouses who are called to be married to each other. God is not sitting on the sidelines expecting you to do the work here… if you are called to marriage and haven’t met your spouse yet then there must be something that God want’s you to do or experience as a single man that will be necessary for you to have a successful future marriage (I would recommend praying to see what God want’s you to work on next in your life ).

God bless!

 

[SgtSchultz]

As for dating Protestants, DON’T DO IT. Stick with faithful Catholic women as hard as it is to find them. You’ll be much happier, especially when the kids roll around.

Now hold on just a minute, doesn’t the Church allow marrying Protestants?

Also, my father, a baptised Catholic, married a Methodist. Now here I am discerning Catholicism. Imagine that!

Simply put, we don’t have to “find” our spouses… God will take care of that. If you are being called to marriage then God will bring a lady into your life when He is ready for you to meet her and she will be more perfect for you then anybody you could have met on your own.

I believe this to be half true. God helps those who help themselves, no? If he’s not out making an effort, he’ll never meet anyone. A wife won’t just show up in a box on his doorstep one day. I believe there is action on both sides.

 

[ShanaA1984]

I believe this to be half true. God helps those who help themselves, no? If he’s not out making an effort, he’ll never meet anyone. A wife won’t just show up in a box on his doorstep one day. I believe there is action on both sides.

I feel the same way.

 

[Bl_Pope_Pius_IX]

This seems to connect with every vocational issue we have. So this is a problem the Church, both the clergy and the lay must focus on mending. My situation is very different as my parent’s marriage failed, I blame it on my mothers protestantism. And although I feel strongly called to the Priesthood, I have family reasons to pursue a wife. Primary being the lack of brothers and male cousins (for quite some time). Thus meaning my last name will die with me if I commit myself to celibacy. This may seem a bit “medieval” but family is important. Sadly, that ship seems to have sailed as my reputation is that of a “soon to be priest” at high school. Unfortunately, discerning the Priesthood isn’t exactly an aphrodisiac. Those stories of girls wanting to tempt you out of it? Yeah right!

The single vocation has been ignored greatly. With a lack of Catholic “mates” it is proving difficult for, especially men, to achieve marriage. It may be a hidden call to the Priesthood? Maybe. Just a suggestion.

 

[Vasilis92]

So here’s my problem… I can find and date plenty of great ladies in my large city, but a good Catholic girl has eluded me so far. My archdiocese places less than zero emphasis on matchmaking (and singles in general). The women I meet through Church young adults groups are good people, but they fall into three groups I don’t want to get involved with: 1) those who have been totally mistreated and hurt by jerks and are somewhat damaged/broken emotionally, 2) those who have extreme temperaments (either towards passivity or control), and 3) those who seem to be straight and interested in men but just don’t make romance a priority (future spinsters?). I’m less picky than this sounds… these are traits that will sabotage any relationship.

Catholic young adult group?Didn’t know there is such thing.
Well,I’m 20 and single.I could have dated many pretty girls,but they were looking only for carnal desire.But there is a problem.In my country there is no Catholic girl.There are only Orthodox.Would be wrong if I married a pious Orthodox woman?

As for you Horizon,I’ll pray for you.I’m also in the same boat,so I know what you’re saying.

 

[FullOfThought]

As for dating Protestants, DON’T DO IT. Stick with faithful Catholic women as hard as it is to find them. You’ll be much happier, especially when the kids roll around…

I couldn’t disagree more!

My husband is protestant and he is the most faithful God fearing man I’ve ever met. He treats me like a princess and after 5years of dating and 6months of marriage we are now expecting our first child, I am 25 and he’s 26. We have the exact same values, on occasion he will even pray the rosary with me but he’s not Catholic! I wouldn’t change him for the world!

I admire your search but I truly believe that God gives us our spouses when we’re not looking! If I was you I’d get more involved in my community, and in my faith, and she’ll show up! It’s a beautiful journey that you’re on, you need to relax and enjoy every second!

 

[Bl_Pope_Pius_IX]

I couldn’t disagree more!

My husband is protestant and he is the most faithful God fearing man I’ve ever met. He treats me like a princess and after 5years of dating and 6months of marriage we are now expecting our first child, I am 25 and he’s 26. We have the exact same values, on occasion he will even pray the rosary with me but he’s not Catholic! I wouldn’t change him for the world!

I admire your search but I truly believe that God gives us our spouses when we’re not looking! If I was you I’d get more involved in my community, and in my faith, and she’ll show up! It’s a beautiful journey that you’re on, you need to relax and enjoy every second!

This is one instance. My parents ended up differently. I think it is safer to go for a Catholic, at least for the children.

 

[Horizon18]

Actually I think this was a great response that hits very close to the mark.

Simply put, we don’t have to “find” our spouses… God will take care of that. If you are being called to marriage then God will bring a lady into your life when He is ready for you to meet her and she will be more perfect for you then anybody you could have met on your own.

This I agree with – I feel that more than once God has brought great women into my life. But I’m struggling to understand why most of them aren’t Catholic.

The only thing you need to focus on right now is loving God with your whole heart as well as doing some discerning about what your vocation might be. If you have determined that you are being called to marriage then just sit back and relax and let God worry about finding you the right person.

I am trusting in God to help me find a spouse. The thing that scares me is that I know a fair number of Catholic men and women a few years older then me and they are single because they’re still “waiting” for God to deliver a spouse. They don’t go out and meet people or do the work required to find a date, let alone a spouse. I don’t think that will be my lot, but I also see for a fact that the Protestant dating pool is much better in depth and compatibility than the Catholic one.

I’ve prayed about this and I’m no closer to finding an answer. I don’t have to be single right now and it doesn’t feel right to intentionally stall my movement towards family life, which I know is my vocation. As I get older, it is getting harder to justify passing up really good women for the single reason that they’re of a different Christian tradition. If they’re willing to be tolerant of my faith (and some are very supportive), it seems somewhat un-Christian of me to turn them down based on their beliefs.

Every day I feel a little closer to dating non-Catholics. I know that’s not sinful in any way, but it is a bit of a letdown.

 

[Shannon46]

Hey everyone,

So I’m a Catholic man in my late 20s who’s facing a bit of disappointment lately in terms of dating prospects. Specifically, Catholic dating prospects.

From high school through graduate school, getting dates was easy. I’m confident, very social, and (not to sound vain) I get noticed. I didn’t go to Catholic schools and fell away in many ways, including how I pursued relationships.

As I’ve come back to the Church in the last couple years, I’ve really tried to get into the “settling down” mindset and find a Catholic woman who would be a good partner. Mindful that I’ve been far from perfect, I’ve always been open to meeting someone who’s also come back to their faith. I’ve changed my priorities so that I look for faithfulness first.

So here’s my problem… I can find and date plenty of great ladies in my large city, but a good Catholic girl has eluded me so far. My archdiocese places less than zero emphasis on matchmaking (and singles in general). The women I meet through Church young adults groups are good people, but they fall into three groups I don’t want to get involved with: 1) those who have been totally mistreated and hurt by jerks and are somewhat damaged/broken emotionally, 2) those who have extreme temperaments (either towards passivity or control), and 3) those who seem to be straight and interested in men but just don’t make romance a priority (future spinsters?). I’m less picky than this sounds… these are traits that will sabotage any relationship.

Occasionally I’ve found a gem who’s emotionally healthy, moderate in her temperament, and also romantic/affectionate. Basically a really cool girl who happens to be Catholic. I’ve only met a couple of these girls, but as is often the case when you’re dealing with small numbers, I haven’t found the right one. I dated a great lady like this for over a year before she discerned that religious life was her calling.

I’m frustrated that I’m looking in all the right places and I’m still single. I could date some very committed Protestants tomorrow. They would be cute, smart, committed to Christ, but not Catholic. I’m basically at the point where I feel like God has always called me to have a family and I have no idea why he hasn’t put a great Catholic woman in my path to make that happen. At this point, I’m thinking that dropping Catholicism as an absolute criterion is a good decision. I know some of you may think I should just “wait until God delivers” but honestly, I don’t feel that I’m living out my calling that way.

I’ve prayed a lot about this, but I’m still undecided.

Any thoughts?

Your not alone, I’m in my mid fourties and still trying.

 

[chevalier]

Hey everyone,

So I’m a Catholic man in my late 20s who’s facing a bit of disappointment lately in terms of dating prospects. Specifically, Catholic dating prospects.

Hey. You’re not the only one. There’s plenty of people of either sex with the same problem.

So here’s my problem… I can find and date plenty of great ladies in my large city, but a good Catholic girl has eluded me so far.

Perhaps because there aren’t that many of them.

The women I meet through Church young adults groups are good people, but they fall into three groups I don’t want to get involved with: 1) those who have been totally mistreated and hurt by jerks and are somewhat damaged/broken emotionally, 2) those who have extreme temperaments (either towards passivity or control), and 3) those who seem to be straight and interested in men but just don’t make romance a priority (future spinsters?). I’m less picky than this sounds… these are traits that will sabotage any relationship.

I agree but #1 may not be as bad as it sounds. As in, you could end up with someone who e.g. gets a twinge of fear whenever you raise your voice in argument or don’t call soon enough, or someone with even more difficult routines, but who is still a lovely, kind, sensitive person, understanding of your own problems, who knows the meaning of hurt and suffering, which is an asset in a person. I’d suggest that “somewhat damaged” is okay, don’t be too scared by that, but avoid people who cling too hard to particularly irrational routines that they refuse to or can’t change.

Occasionally I’ve found a gem who’s emotionally healthy, moderate in her temperament, and also romantic/affectionate. Basically a really cool girl who happens to be Catholic. I’ve only met a couple of these girls, but as is often the case when you’re dealing with small numbers, I haven’t found the right one. I dated a great lady like this for over a year before she discerned that religious life was her calling.

Every now and then that happens. I guess (most of) the best of us do go to convents, monasteries and seminars.

At this point, I’m thinking that dropping Catholicism as an absolute criterion is a good decision. I know some of you may think I should just “wait until God delivers” but honestly, I don’t feel that I’m living out my calling that way.

You need to raise your children Catholic. A Protestant might not be on the same page or generally be on the same page but oppose particular fragments of Church teaching you’d like to impart to your children. A Protestant may also be rather sad when you’re teaching your children that scripture is not for individual interpretation. Just an example.

Any thoughts?

Be careful with the more secular women too. Sometimes there’s a heart of gold but too much insistence on individual freedom to do silly things the Church disagrees with. Which is more of a problem when you actually teach your children that doing so and so is wrong than when you agree on a modus vivendi with your girlfriend and wife-to-be.

 

[LotusCarsLtd]

Actually I think this was a great response that hits very close to the mark.

Simply put, we don’t have to “find” our spouses… God will take care of that. If you are being called to marriage then God will bring a lady into your life when He is ready for you to meet her and she will be more perfect for you then anybody you could have met…

I’m not sure if I agree with this sentiment. While God is involved to a certain degree, we’re ultimately responsible for actually doing the legwork. If we’re not putting ourselves out there then we’ll never find a spouse. I’m personally skeptical about the “don’t worry/God will take care of the spouse” mentality that is popular amongst Catholics; while God will give men like me multiple options for women, I am still the final determinant (on my end of things) in the situation. At the end of the day I either acted or I didn’t. God won’t simply deliver me a wife in a nice box.

 

[akela135]

This I agree with – I feel that more than once God has brought great women into my life. But I’m struggling to understand why most of them aren’t Catholic.

Perhaps because he was waiting for you to convert them?

My mother was raised to be atheist, but she became more agnostic as she got older. She only knew a bit about protestant christianity but it wasn’t really for her. When she met my dad, a cradle Catholic, she was very curious about the Catholic religion. She realized that the Catholic religion was the one she had been searching for, the one with the truth, and converted. She joined RCIA while engaged and was babptised a few months after her wedding. Growing up she was the the true Catholic heart of our house and was one of the most involved and active of the parishoners at our church.

The Deacon of my parish married a protestant. It took her about 8 years to realize she felt called to join the Catholic church, but she raised all their kids Catholic and fully supported her husband as he went through the process of becoming a Deacon.

If you are clear about how important the Catholic faith is too you and really live and practice your faith daily, I think most woman would be impressed and at least curious as to what Catholism was all about if it made you feel so strongly. But as long as you are dating to discern marriage these are topics you could talk about well before marriage or even an engagement! Good luck!

 

[teresadeavila]

I met my hubby in a Catholic singles group in my parish except he wasn’t even a member of our group, went to a different Catholic parish, and was dragged to one of our social events by his cousin! One thing I noticed about the Catholic singles groups, the men seemed to dismiss the single Catholic girls after 1 meeting and assumed many traits/characteristics without making any effort getting to know them at all! Perhaps that’s not you, but the 3rd category of “straight and interested in men” girls you thought don’t make romance a priority and are future spinsters is perhaps jumping to conclusions?

I know you said you’re not as picky as you sound, and perhaps that’s very true, as I don’t even know you but only what you post here. Be patient, keep praying to God, but make sure you’re really open to meeting all different girls and getting to know them. The one you easily dismiss may be “the one!” I ignored my hubby at first b/c I thought he was boring, he was about to dismiss me b/c he thought I was with a boyfriend (one guy who happened to be following me around that night until I told him gently “not interested”).
Ya never know…