Where to go from here?

[KendraDZ1902]

You don’t know even where your belongings are? (Do you have joint bank accounts? You can learn a fair bit from bank statements and credit card data - these should be available online. What about your cellphones? The cellphone statements are also useful.) If he has packed up your stuff and isn’t communicating with you, a call to any of the following, if he is enlisted:

• unit ombudsman
• your husband’s boss
• your husband’s chief, if that’s a different person
• your unit’s command master chief

(if he’s an officer, it’ll be even worse for him…his boss, Ops, or the XO, would be good places to start)

This kind of behavior could be a real problem for his security clearance, among other things. Concealing his whereabouts and hiding your stuff is pretty unstable behavior. If adultery is involved, he’s definitely mucking with his clearance (and his job…people are climbing over each other to get in to the military these days so they’re not shy about booting less than honorable conduct!).

You should have access to a Family Support office as well. Any of these will be able to guide you - don’t wait to contact them! I know you’re thinking of your marriage, but I’m also thinking about your healthcare (loss of Tricare), income, etc, which could further destabilize your own treatment and wellbeing. You have certain rights as a spouse (even if he tries to declare otherwise), be sure someone is looking out for you. The military will assume everything is fine unless you bring this to their attention.

Yes, we have a joint checking account, BUT he hasn’t been using it since he has gotten back. I know he has another checking account. When we first got married a friend of his that’s in banking told him that they were running some deal and if you opened an account being active duty, you get like 100 bucks. Well, being newlyweds we needed to cash. I know that he has been putting money in there, but I have no access to that. His phone that he has on the account with mine hasn’t been turned back on, he has a T-Mobile phone for deployment, because of the free WiFi calling.
He has let me know that he will “continue to support me through this process” I know that leaving your spouse with no support is against UCMJ, but I didn’t know that hiding from me and keeping my things away from me could be a problem.

 

[KnitNut]

Yes, we have a joint checking account, BUT he hasn’t been using it since he has gotten back. I know he has another checking account. When we first got married a friend of his that’s in banking told him that they were running some deal and if you opened an account being active duty, you get like 100 bucks. Well, being newlyweds we needed to cash. I know that he has been putting money in there, but I have no access to that. His phone that he has on the account with mine hasn’t been turned back on, he has a T-Mobile phone for deployment, because of the free WiFi calling.
He has let me know that he will “continue to support me through this process” I know that leaving your spouse with no support is against UCMJ, but I didn’t know that hiding from me and keeping my things away from me could be a problem.

You definitely need an advocate, whether an attorney familiar with how the military works, or someone from Family Support to get you started here. Hope and pray for the best, but prepare for the worst. If he’s concealing money from you, it’s time to act. Now. Step away from the computer and pick up the phone. You can also zap an email to the unit chaplain, who may assist from a more pastoral perspective. But please don’t muck around - go right to command (via the ombuds or a chief), right now, and start getting this out in the daylight. Affairs & other shenanigans thrive in darkness - the only way to get to the bottom of this (and hopefully save the marriage, or protect yourself in its decline) is to get the sun shining brightly on all of this.

Did you two execute a financial power of attorney when he deployed?

 

[KendraDZ1902]

You definitely need an advocate, whether an attorney familiar with how the military works, or someone from Family Support to get you started here. Hope and pray for the best, but prepare for the worst. If he’s concealing money from you, it’s time to act. Now. Step away from the computer and pick up the phone. You can also zap an email to the unit chaplain, who may assist from a more pastoral perspective. But please don’t muck around - go right to command (via the ombuds or a chief), right now, and start getting this out in the daylight. Affairs & other shenanigans thrive in darkness - the only way to get to the bottom of this (and hopefully save the marriage, or protect yourself in its decline) is to get the sun shining brightly on all of this.

Did you two execute a financial power of attorney when he deployed?

I just emailed an ombudsman. I’m waiting for a reply and gave her my number, as well. With them just getting back I have no new numbers for the command, they swap hangars when deployed. I’m sure I could look up a number for a chaplain on base. Thank you so much! You are wonderful!!!
No, there was no power of attorney for this deployment. I wasn’t very stable then.

 

[pianistclare]

Yes, we have a joint checking account, BUT he hasn’t been using it since he has gotten back. I know he has another checking account. When we first got married a friend of his that’s in banking told him that they were running some deal and if you opened an account being active duty, you get like 100 bucks. Well, being newlyweds we needed to cash. I know that he has been putting money in there, but I have no access to that. His phone that he has on the account with mine hasn’t been turned back on, he has a T-Mobile phone for deployment, because of the free WiFi calling.
He has let me know that he will “continue to support me through this process” I know that leaving your spouse with no support is against UCMJ, but I didn’t know that hiding from me and keeping my things away from me could be a problem.

It can. I would ask the questions. I’m so so sorry to hear this. I will pray for you.

 

[tawny]

You definitely need an advocate, whether an attorney familiar withe how the military works, or someone from Family Support to get you started here. Hope and pray for the best, but prepare for the worst. If he’s concealing money from you, it’s time to act. Now. Step away from the computer and pick up the phone. You can also zap an email to the unit chaplain, who may assist from a more pastoral perspective. But please don’t muck around - go right to command (via the ombuds or a chief), right now, and start getting this out in the daylight. Affairs & other shenanigans thrive in darkness - the only way to get to the bottom of this (and hopefully save the marriage, or protect yourself in its decline) is to get the sun shining brightly on all of this.

Did you two execute a financial power of attorney when he deployed?

Good points KnitNut. I agree with you. Kendra, I would get on it. Praying for you. God bless.

 

[Xantippe]

Best wishes!

 

[KnitNut]

And Kendra, a word of warning. You don’t know what he’s up to, but it’s not anything noble. Protect yourself. He will probably not be thrilled that you’re asserting yourself here, involving command, etc. Do NOT argue with him, do NOT appear on base by yourself to confront him, etc. As hard as it will be, take the high road when dealing with him - insist that meetings to “discuss the process” (or whatever line he’s using) are in the presence of a family therapist, a mediator, the chaplain…someone who will serve to steady things and establish communication between you two. You don’t want command to start seeing you as ‘the wacko wife’. Get yourself a therapist if you don’t already have one - ask him/her for help strategizing your moves from here. How you handle this will set the tone for “the process”, whether that’s reconciliation with him, or separating. Enlist your family & friends as support people who can give you room to vent/cry/scream in a safe place…and then help you reset to your calm, rational self when dealing with him.

I’m surprised you haven’t contacted his family - are you close to your inlaws? Do they know what he’s doing?

 

[KendraDZ1902]

And Kendra, a word of warning. You don’t know what he’s up to, but it’s not anything noble. Protect yourself. He will probably not be thrilled that you’re asserting yourself here, involving command, etc. Do NOT argue with him, do NOT appear on base by yourself to confront him, etc. As hard as it will be, take the high road when dealing with him - insist that meetings to “discuss the process” (or whatever line he’s using) are in the presence of a family therapist, a mediator, the chaplain…someone who will serve to steady things and establish communication between you two. You don’t want command to start seeing you as ‘the wacko wife’. Get yourself a therapist if you don’t already have one - ask him/her for help strategizing your moves from here. How you handle this will set the tone for “the process”, whether that’s reconciliation with him, or separating. Enlist your family & friends as support people who can give you room to vent/cry/scream in a safe place…and then help you reset to your calm, rational self when dealing with him.

I’m surprised you haven’t contacted his family - are you close to your inlaws? Do they know what he’s doing?

His mom was at his homecoming and I wasn’t. I’m sure she knows what is going on. I know on Thursday they had a very long phone conversation, because I called while they were talking and didn’t get a call back until over an hour later. I was thinking about calling his sisters, but I don’t know what they have been told. I could be the bad wife not wanting to come back, etc. At this point nothing would surprise me.

 

[Xantippe]

And Kendra, a word of warning. You don’t know what he’s up to, but it’s not anything noble. Protect yourself. He will probably not be thrilled that you’re asserting yourself here, involving command, etc. Do NOT argue with him, do NOT appear on base by yourself to confront him, etc. As hard as it will be, take the high road when dealing with him - insist that meetings to “discuss the process” (or whatever line he’s using) are in the presence of a family therapist, a mediator, the chaplain…someone who will serve to steady things and establish communication between you two. You don’t want command to start seeing you as ‘the wacko wife’. Get yourself a therapist if you don’t already have one - ask him/her for help strategizing your moves from here. How you handle this will set the tone for “the process”, whether that’s reconciliation with him, or separating. Enlist your family & friends as support people who can give you room to vent/cry/scream in a safe place…and then help you reset to your calm, rational self when dealing with him.

I’m surprised you haven’t contacted his family - are you close to your inlaws? Do they know what he’s doing?

Right.

 

[tawny]

His mom was at his homecoming and I wasn’t. I’m sure she knows what is going on. I know on Thursday they had a very long phone conversation, because I called while they were talking and didn’t get a call back until over an hour later. I was thinking about calling his sisters, but I don’t know what they have been told. I could be the bad wife not wanting to come back, etc. At this point nothing would surprise me.

You need to have a way of finding out what is going on; you deserve as much. Has anyone from his family reached out to you? Are you close with any members of his family? If you need to have someone interceed on your behalf try to do so. Stay calm, focused & strong. We are all praying for you. God bless.:console:

 

[KendraDZ1902]

You need to have a way of finding out what is going on; you deserve as much. Has anyone from his family reached out to you? Are you close with any members of his family? If you need to have someone interceed on your behalf try to do so. Stay calm, focused & strong. We are all praying for you. God bless.:console:

Well, before all of this I thought I was close to his mom. We have been a couple for 6 1/2 years and married almost 3. He joined the Navy 5 years ago. I was always invited to family gatherings. When she remarried, he was deployed and she flew me home to be there.
I think this may have been news to me and not them because they haven’t talked to me much during this deployment. The middle sister is the only one who has kept in touch. I may find the courage to contact her. I need to figure out what to say, though. sigh

 

[LongingSoul]

Well, before all of this I thought I was close to his mom. We have been a couple for 6 1/2 years and married almost 3. He joined the Navy 5 years ago. I was always invited to family gatherings. When she remarried, he was deployed and she flew me home to be there.
I think this may have been news to me and not them because they haven’t talked to me much during this deployment. The middle sister is the only one who has kept in touch. I may find the courage to contact her. I need to figure out what to say, though. sigh

I think you should definitely make contact with the middle sister and ask her if she can give you some idea of what is going on since you been completely blindsided. She may already be in a position of choosing sides and may not want to be that person for you now though.

He is being cowardly and unfair in not taking your text or calls for clarity. Don’t rely too much on your imagination for answers because that will have you swinging from pillar to post. Find yourself a therapist who can help you navigate this confusing time with support and encouragement to find out what the heck is going on with him so that you don’t get stuck in a permanent limbo of wondering.

So sorry that you are going through this.

 

[Kelfa28]

Oh, honey.

I’m so sorry.

This bugs me so much for you.
From an Air Force wife to a Navy wife…you have my prayers.

It’s a good idea you emailed an ombudsmen. I’d also involve the chaplain and at least let his chain-of-command know what is going on and that you are really concerned.

I hate to suggest this…but you might want to consider talking to a lawyer just to see what your rights are.

Maybe you can contact JAG?

 

[Rau]

…He will not speak to me…

This bit is outrageous. Your husband is essentially “missing” and that would seem to invite you to speak with his family and / or his employer. You would appear to have grounds to act out of concern for him as well as yourself. Is he at risk of harming himself? Has he “abandoned” his wife?

Or is he simply a coward?

Obviously you need to act calmly and rationally, and if that is at all a problem, find a go between who can make enquiries on your behalf.

 

[KendraDZ1902]

Oh, honey.

I’m so sorry.

This bugs me so much for you.
From an Air Force wife to a Navy wife…you have my prayers.

It’s a good idea you emailed an ombudsmen. I’d also involve the chaplain and at least let his chain-of-command know what is going on and that you are really concerned.

I hate to suggest this…but you might want to consider talking to a lawyer just to see what your rights are.

Maybe you can contact JAG?

I have heard that JAG will “protect their own.” I haven’t heard from the Ombudsmen. I am planning on contacting the chaplain tomorrow morning. I am really concerned. He was literally sending me pictures of houses and Skypeing me, telling me he’s excited to see me. I have reread our text messages and nothing seems off. It was like BAM I’m not happy and no contact. Idk.

 

[KendraDZ1902]

This bit is outrageous. Your husband is essentially “missing” and that would seem to invite you to speak with his family and / or his employer. You would appear to have grounds to act out of concern for him as well as yourself. Is he at risk of harming himself? Has he “abandoned” his wife?

Or is he simply a coward?

Obviously you need to act calmly and rationally, and if that is at all a problem, find a go between who can make enquiries on your behalf.

From what I have read UCMJ doesn’t deem it abandonment unless he stops supporting me. My dad told me to look it up because he thought it was abandonment too.
He refused to tell me what was wrong. It was just, “I’m unhappy. There is nothing you can do about it. It will only be a temporary fix” That he will be “staying with a friend.” I literally begged him to tell me. And then I called him a coward because he wouldn’t tell me. Then the hung up on me and that was the last conversation.

 

[Clearwater14]

From what I have read UCMJ doesn’t deem it abandonment unless he stops supporting me. My dad told me to look it up because he thought it was abandonment too.
He refused to tell me what was wrong. It was just, “I’m unhappy. There is nothing you can do about it. It will only be a temporary fix” That he will be “staying with a friend.” I literally begged him to tell me. And then I called him a coward because he wouldn’t tell me. Then the hung up on me and that was the last conversation.

I would contact his military and tell them about your husband’s behavior. Next, I would contact a lawyer to find out what your options are. I know this is difficult. I am going through a terrible rough patch with my husband and I am also confused on what to do. I have a feeling your husband is having an affair. I would file papers. Maybe then he will start talking.

 

[Allegra]

That’s horrible! I don’t have advice, but you have my prayers!

 

[pianistclare]

From what I have read UCMJ doesn’t deem it abandonment unless he stops supporting me. My dad told me to look it up because he thought it was abandonment too.
He refused to tell me what was wrong. It was just, “I’m unhappy. There is nothing you can do about it. It will only be a temporary fix” That he will be “staying with a friend.” I literally begged him to tell me. And then I called him a coward because he wouldn’t tell me. Then the hung up on me and that was the last conversation.

He is a coward. And you are a strong woman, with dozens of people praying for you.
Staying with a friend? Uh-huh.
Call everyone you can. Make him talk. to anyone. Keep a record of everything.
Protect your interests. Although I know you’d rather have him back and “normal”. Something is way off. Do you think someone was using his phone to text you?
Something is way off.
God bless dear.

 

[KendraDZ1902]

He is a coward. And you are a strong woman, with dozens of people praying for you.
Staying with a friend? Uh-huh.
Call everyone you can. Make him talk. to anyone. Keep a record of everything.
Protect your interests. Although I know you’d rather have him back and “normal”. Something is way off. Do you think someone was using his phone to text you?
Something is way off.
God bless dear.

This last conversation was over the phone. It was him. The staying with a friend thing got to me too. I can’t contact his command about cheating unless I have solid evidence, though.

This whole thing is like a long nightmare. I never suspected anything.