Where to go from here?

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Contra_Mundum said:
It’s not. Please don’t think that. God doesn’t want your husband to mess with you and betray you. This is human doing, your husband’s freedom to do something stupid. As unfortunate as that is sometimes, God gives us that freedom.

Like others, I’m praying for you. I was in that situation 2 years ago when my husband completely out of the blue announced he was unhappy, told me nothing I could do would fix it and said he was leaving. I know what it feels like to have that bomb dropped on you. (We reconciled after a couple of months of nonsense.)

The best thing I can advise you to do is to get legal advice asap. You don’t want to make a wrong step at this moment, accidentally do something that can later be used against you if it comes to legal separation.
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Yes.

We think you are a great person and a delightful part of the CAF community!
 
KendraDZ1902 said:
I did try calling him today. He didn’t answer but text me saying, “Hi. Saw where you called. What’s going on.” I told him that He’s my husband, I haven’t heard from him in almost a week. He isn’t acting like the person “I have known for 6 1/2 years. Hell, you aren’t acting like the person from 2 weeks ago” That was a couple hours ago and no response. Seriously, anyone could have sent that text to me… 😛
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Kendra, you are better off making him curious enough to call you at least. Or if you can, get him to come see you. That will be tricky, but perhaps you can do this by raising his curiosity. I’ll comment on that below. But this is important: In all important communication, you want to talk face to face as often as possible. Then you can see expressions and hear voice inflections, which tell you SO MUCH more than just the words. Writing (or texting) is the WORST! Just don’t write. Don’t answer texts. If he texts enough and gets only DEAD SILENCE, he will eventually call. Stay calm at his annoyance he had to call, too. When he says why didn’t you answer my text you can cheerfully say, “Oh, I gave up texting for Lent. Not texting any more!” (Nevermind you did not give it up on Ash Wednesday. You don’t have to make sense). 🙂 And after Lent, you can say it “feels more right” to you not to text so you aren’t going to text until it feels right to you.

He is controlling the communication by texting instead of calling. So you make him work for it instead.

One thing you can do is start regularly withdrawing money and saving it, because with an uncertain future it helps to have a little money set aside for emergency or unknown future needs. You can answer his Q’s about where the money went with short answers that make him question more. Like, “I have a huge bill. Omigoodness. I will tell you about it when I see you.”

Oh, another idea is that you can ask your parents to charge you rent and utilities and food. They can set that money aside for you. That way you can regularly be collecting a nest egg. Which you might need if he decides to divorce you and be with a paramour. You can tell him that your parents have bills and feel you need to pay your way. Also if he is not supporting you now he may be able to use that in the divorce (that you have no expenses). And if this somehow all works out and you stay together, you will have a nice secret nest egg to bless our new togetherness forever with.

Another thing you can do to get him to come see you is act puzzling over time so he cannot get any good “read” on you, and cannot make sense of the situation from afar, so he will feel he needs to come see you to figure it out.* Rather than say, “Where the heck have you been” you can act cheerful and un-curious. Tell him about a place you went and had a FANTASTIC time at (since he knows you are agorophobic and expects you to be home) and just keep him guessing. Hang up on him instead of him hanging up on you, say, “Oh, someone is at the door for me. Got to go! TTYL!” Your hanging up first will help fuel the curiosity. If he is having an affair, don’t bless it with his comfort that he has you under control. 😃

*** Get some GREAT tips on what to do when a spouse strays in James Dobson’s old bestseller Love Must Be Tough. You can get it on half.com for 75 cents! Get it mailed to you today! You will learn what NOT to do and why in this very stressful time. Also what to say and how to say it (and why!). Its* perfect* advice for this situation, which might or might not be a hopeless one. In either account, you will find this advice right on target! I really mean it. This book will give you confidence that there is something you can do in this situation.And you will preserve your dignity, and serve love, too.
 
P.S. Don’t tell your husband you are reading that book. Its one of the “rules” of the book. Also you can look at Amazon.com and see reviews on it as you wait for the book to come. I just checked it out, and see the first reviewer also recommends Michele Weiner Davis’ book, The Divorce Remedy, and I do not recommend that. Basically she tells all her success stories, but the reality is, not all marriages can be saved. Because it takes two. As my priest told me when I divorced, when I told him that I was waiting on God to do a miracle to save my marraige, “God does miracles, but He never tells us to expect one.” A lot of Evangelicals teach that you should expect one. But my priest pointed out that there are two wills involved, not just yours, but also your spouse’s. And he said,* “God rarely, if ever, violates the human will.”* So keep that in mind. Davis’ book gives hope to those in hopeless situations, that somehow God will save your marraige. But Davis has been dishonest in not addressing those marriages that were not saved, only putting focus on the ones that support her theory and her amazing-ness as a therapist.
 
Kendra, how are you doing today? Just wanted to remind you that we all care out here, and that we’re thinking of you. 🙂
 
UbiCaritas said:
Kendra, how are you doing today? Just wanted to remind you that we all care out here, and that we’re thinking of you. 🙂
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I’m doing OK, so far. Today is my birthday so my mom and grandmother are trying to overly spoil me. Lol. They have planned a Lent approved birthday feast for me. Which is super kind since they are Protestant.

I talked to a friend who is an attorney.We literally grew up together. I’ve known her since I was 3. So, 23 years now. She gave me legal advice last night and told me not to worry about paying her a dime. That she will fight for me. I am not to sign anything without her reviewing every single thing. She is quite a vindictive person. Lol. That isn’t going to make hubby happy. 😃

Very few people know what’s going on, so I will have a quite birthday at mom’s house with family and family friends.

Just one day at a time, I suppose. 🙂
 
KendraDZ1902 said:
I’m doing OK, so far. Today is my birthday so my mom and grandmother are trying to overly spoil me. Lol. They have planned a Lent approved birthday feast for me. Which is super kind since they are Protestant.

I talked to a friend who is an attorney.We literally grew up together. I’ve known her since I was 3. So, 23 years now. She gave me legal advice last night and told me not to worry about paying her a dime. That she will fight for me. I am not to sign anything without her reviewing every single thing. She is quite a vindictive person. Lol. That isn’t going to make hubby happy. 😃

Very few people know what’s going on, so I will have a quite birthday at mom’s house with family and family friends.

Just one day at a time, I suppose. 🙂
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Oh, yay!! It sounds as though you have good people on your side. 🙂 I’m so glad.

Sit back and let them spoil you. It sounds as though you really need it right now. And happy birthday!

PS–In situations like this, having a highly suspicious lawyer friend is AWESOME. Good on her!
 
Happy Birthday Kendra! How provident to have such a friend! God is looking out for you.
 
Hoosier_Daddy said:
I second that Kendra. I am following the thread with more than curiosity. I honestly care. And I have not contributed much because I really have nothing to add to what is being said. But I also want to say again, that you are in my thoughts and prayers. I brought this post to my wife as well so she is praying too. Kendra, I have no reason why this is happening to you, I only know that your saving grace is that you have found your way home to the Catholic faith. Cling to it now. Cling to Jesus. We are all praying for you.
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Same here. I care. I will be praying for you. Oh - Happy Birthday. :hug1:
 
I was just catching up on reading your latest information here Kendra, when I saw that it is your birthday! 🙂

Happy Birthday, dear Kendra, Happy Birthday, to you! 🍰❤️
 
Thanks for all the happy birthdays! Y’all are the best people, ever! Seriously. 🙂
 
KendraDZ1902 said:
I’m doing OK, so far. Today is my birthday so my mom and grandmother are trying to overly spoil me. Lol. They have planned a Lent approved birthday feast for me. Which is super kind since they are Protestant.

I talked to a friend who is an attorney.We literally grew up together. I’ve known her since I was 3. So, 23 years now. She gave me legal advice last night and told me not to worry about paying her a dime. That she will fight for me. I am not to sign anything without her reviewing every single thing. She is quite a vindictive person. Lol. That isn’t going to make hubby happy. 😃

Very few people know what’s going on, so I will have a quite birthday at mom’s house with family and family friends.

Just one day at a time, I suppose. 🙂
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Praying for you.

I would just give one bit of cautionary advice: don’t lrt it spin into a cycle of revenge. I’ve seen what it did to my sister-in-law’s marriage breakdown, and it isn’t pretty. If does end in a split, your number one priority will be regaining sane control of your life. Revenge will end up controlling you and end up preventing you from rebuilding a balanced life. Do make sure your rights are protected, but resist the temptation to go for the jugular. Try instead to find peace and serenity.
 
OraLabora said:
Praying for you.

I would just give one bit of cautionary advice: don’t lrt it spin into a cycle of revenge. I’ve seen what it did to my sister-in-law’s marriage breakdown, and it isn’t pretty. If does end in a split, your number one priority will be regaining sane control of your life. Revenge will end up controlling you and end up preventing you from rebuilding a balanced life. Do make sure your rights are protected, but resist the temptation to go for the jugular. Try instead to find peace and serenity.
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I second that cautionary advice. For many years I was involved with a ministry that helped abandoned spouses and the ability to let it go into Gods hands and get on with your own life… really defined the divide between a growth experience and a soul destroying experience.

Happy Birthday, girl.
 
OraLabora said:
Praying for you.

I would just give one bit of cautionary advice: don’t lrt it spin into a cycle of revenge. I’ve seen what it did to my sister-in-law’s marriage breakdown, and it isn’t pretty. If does end in a split, your number one priority will be regaining sane control of your life. Revenge will end up controlling you and end up preventing you from rebuilding a balanced life. Do make sure your rights are protected, but resist the temptation to go for the jugular. Try instead to find peace and serenity.
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Good advice but I have to say I do not see Kendra as the vengeful type. I just don’t think that’s going to happen. I know, vengeance is promoted these days in our culture as justifiable and as entertainment, but there are still plenty of folks who just aren’t capable of it and are not amused by the idea of it in the least. Instead she seems the type that needs to be reminded to hold back on her transparency and trusting of those who are proving unworthy of it.🙂
 
Happy birthday!

I’m keeping you in my daily rosary intentions. God bless.
 
Eliza10 said:
Good advice but I have to say I do not see Kendra as the vengeful type. I just don’t think that’s going to happen. I know, vengeance is promoted these days in our culture as justifiable and as entertainment, but there are still plenty of folks who just aren’t capable of it and are not amused by the idea of it in the least. Instead she seems the type that needs to be reminded to hold back on her transparency and trusting of those who are proving unworthy of it.🙂
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Hopefully, yes!

But there are so many awful examples of people who allow a divorce to wreck their lives in unnecessary ways.

For instance, one of my aunties was left by her husband at 50 for a younger woman. It took probably the next 10 years before that wasn’t the main subject of my aunt’s conversation.

Obviously, he done her wrong, but at least some of that pain was self-inflicted.
 
Eliza10 said:
Good advice but I have to say I do not see Kendra as the vengeful type. I just don’t think that’s going to happen. I know, vengeance is promoted these days in our culture as justifiable and as entertainment, but there are still plenty of folks who just aren’t capable of it and are not amused by the idea of it in the least. Instead she seems the type that needs to be reminded to hold back on her transparency and trusting of those who are proving unworthy of it.🙂
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I was thinking more of her lawyer friend whom she described as “vindictive”. Just wanted to avoid having her fall into that trap, it’s a vicious circle, a lose-lose. I’ve seen it with my SIL and her ex; he is the vengeful type, she isn’t normally, but allowed herself to get sucked into that vortex, and round and round it goes.
 
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