Where to go from here?

[KendraDZ1902]

Wow, I am sorry he is being such a jerk about everything. You are right, he is acting like you are in high school. He decides one day to break up with you, gives no reason, and then wants to give all your stuff back. That’s so mature of him.

Just remember it’s not stuff that is important if he decides to be a baby about “things” too. It’s just stuff. (Unless it was your family’s things before him. But why would he even want that?)

I most definitely have to have my late grandmother’s milk glass. I was given that when she died when I was 15 and the rosaries my aunt gave me. She went to the Vatican and they were blessed by Pope Francis.

I’m not so much worried about the household things. We didn’t store much, plan was to get new living room and bedroom furniture after the deployment because what we had was hand me down. But we do have like 2 sets of dishes, one has never been opened because it was “too feminine” We have 2 TVs and I’m fine with the smaller one and the stand that it goes on. We have 2 crock pots, 2 sets of wine glasses, etc. I just want the duplicates.

My sorority sister/ best friend called him a “douche-sicle” And it seems fitting. Lol.

 

[Xantippe]

I’m not planning on him deciding that. I just asked where they are because I have no clue and that was the response I got. Incredibly immature. He honestly was not like this a few weeks ago. Well, I didn’t think he was.

Here’s a possible phased plan:

1. Call his family and explain that you need your stuff, so he needs to get in touch with you. Text him as well. (But very briefly and unemotionally–your texts may get shown to a lot of people from now on.)
2. If he doesn’t surface (maybe in a 3-7 days?) contact the military and explain that you need your stuff. Call daily for a week–be firm, polite, and persistent. I suspect that your stuff will appear very soon after that.
3. If #2 doesn’t work within another week, turn it over to your lawyer friend.

What I would be concerned of his him just dumping a bunch of your stuff because it makes him feel bad and it’s too much “trouble” to deal with. So, I think some speed is advisable.

On the one hand, it’s just stuff, on the other hand, this is presumably all you own in the entire world, and it’s very expensive to replace even cheap household stuff, if you have to do it all at the same time.

Best wishes! You do not deserve this!

 

[UbiCaritas]

Yeah.

You should be there, ideally with a level-headed friend or relative.

You should also document how you divide up stuff. Some cell phone photos could be helpful to prevent later disagreements.

Indeed. I put in a strong vote for the lawyer friend.

 

[KnitNut]

It’s going OK. He doesn’t want to communicate at all. I asked about my belongings and he said he would mail them to me. I told him that it is our stuff and we should both go through it and didn’t get a response after that.
It’s like he thinks this is just a break up and not ending a marriage.

I would call your lawyer friend stat. Have her write a letter - since you don’t know where he is, she can attempt to have it served to him at his unit. And send a letter to his command indicating that he is unreachable and uncooperative - attach a copy of the letter to him, they’ll be SURE he gets it. Command will be on him in a flash to prevent getting sucked into this. A letter from the attorney will also get him on his best behavior…you DON’T want him mailing your valuable antiques. PERIOD.

Now is also the time to at least consider formal papers - he is required to provide a certain amount of support while you are married…again, it’s not “what he feels like”. Your attorney will have ideas with that, too. Better to prepare and not need it, than to get walked over, suffer more harm than you have, and have your belongings destroyed and your joint accounts emptied.

I wouldn’t wait. As unsavory as this all is, action now can prevent worse outcomes.

 

[KendraDZ1902]

Looks like I’ll be making a phone call to her in the morning. :crying:

 

[pianistclare]

Looks like I’ll be making a phone call to her in the morning. :crying:

He won’t like it, but who cares? He has lost the right to be upset.
You’re doing the right thing. Trust me, the military folks will NOT be pleased with this behavior.
Call them too in the morning. Explain everything, maybe even go in and sit down with someone. They will get to the bottom of this, trust me.
I have a dear friend that this happened to. He tried to cheat her out of medical, and pension. No way. He got severely reprimanded, and she was told that the military would honor her support of him while he was away by standing up fro her rights as well, as a military wife.
Get some rest, and tackle it with a level head in the morning. We’re ALL praying for you!
Love,
Clare

 

[KnitNut]

Call them too in the morning. Explain everything, maybe even go in and sit down with someone. They will get to the bottom of this, trust me.
I have a dear friend that this happened to. He tried to cheat her out of medical, and pension. No way. He got severely reprimanded, and she was told that the military would honor her support of him while he was away by standing up fro her rights as well, as a military wife.

Don’t call command. At this point, you want things done in writing. Calmly, dispassionately. Don’t involve his family, don’t be “that wife”. Being calm now may help you down the line, as you don’t know exactly how this will play out; there may be further action by them against him (say, a captain’s mast for adultery/abandonment…or worse, a court martial. unlikely, but possible). These people are not involved in your dispute, so treat them as business colleagues.

Also, don’t expect the military to be your cheerleader/hero here. They won’t go to bat for you. They will compel his compliance with law and regulation…which is to your advantage, but not the same as fighting for you. Likewise, JAG doesn’t handle divorces. They can offer referrals, and they may be able to assist your attorney with details concerning the military side of this.

Finally, be sure your attorney is familiar with (or learning quickly) the ins & outs of military domestic relations laws/rules. Your marriage, being only 3ish years long, would be considered a short-term marriage…and so you’re unlikely to take away much of any pension, support, etc. I’m not saying don’t ask for it, but don’t be surprised if there’s not much in the way of support, etc. Ask your attorney detailed questions (start writing them down now). FWIW, if you do file an action (even just a legal separation, if that’s valid in your jurisdiction…and she’ll also explain jurisdiction to you, which is important), you’ll be able to fully investigate this via discovery…she’ll also go over that. Who knows, he may come around and decide (as we all pretty much concur) that he’s being a dope and making a big mistake. Hope and pray for the best, PREPARE for the worst. And get that nursing school application in. In fact, sneaking in a gen-ed CLEP on the milspouse fee waiver is not a bad idea. Visit Peterson’s DOD MWR Library for a bunch of free test prep resources available for military & their families. Or PM me if you have any additional questions.

 

[oldgraymare2]

Kendra,

I am just popping in here to say that you are in my continued thoughts and prayers, and that I am so very, very, sorry that you are going through this situation.

((Hugs))

 

[Convert_in_99]

I am so very sorry to read all this! I can’t imagine your pain. You will be in my thoughts and prayers :hug3:

 

[pianistclare]

Thinking about you today Kendra…hope things are getting better for you.

 

[KendraDZ1902]

Chaplain contacted me. He said he is headed to his command and will be speaking with most definitely his chief and might stop by and talk to the master chief. Someone isn’t going to be happy today…

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

Chaplain contacted me. He said he is headed to his command and will be speaking with most definitely his chief and might stop by and talk to the master chief. Someone isn’t going to be happy today…

Good for you. You are handling this well. Calmly, logically, and purposefully should be the course.

 

[KendraDZ1902]

Good for you. You are handling this well. Calmly, logically, and purposefully should be the course.

I just HATE this. I went into this marriage with the mentality that this is it. And I still feel that way.
I also know that this meeting with the chief isn’t going to be good and he is great at his job. He always has great evals and very much respected even by the officers. His CO even spoke with him about OCS before the deployment and offered to help hubby with the process.
Oh this is bad. Bad bad bad.

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

I just HATE this. I went into this marriage with the mentality that this is it. And I still feel that way.
I also know that this meeting with the chief isn’t going to be good and he is great at his job. He always has great evals and very much respected even by the officers. His CO even spoke with him about OCS before the deployment and offered to help hubby with the process.
Oh this is bad. Bad bad bad.

I know it is bad. And we cannot possible understand how hard this is for you. But we are praying for you and we are here for you to communicate with. There has been no judgement on this thread, just people who care about someone and want to offer prayers and advice. Stay strong. And lean hard on God.

 

[KnitNut]

I also know that this meeting with the chief isn’t going to be good and he is great at his job. He always has great evals and very much respected even by the officers. His CO even spoke with him about OCS before the deployment and offered to help hubby with the process.
Oh this is bad. Bad bad bad.

Glad the chaplain is stepping in. Be ready for a confrontational man to call you. DON’T engage. If he wants to “talk”, you two should do this in the presence of a 3rd party. He may blame you for his discomfort…stay on the high ground and insist on a 3rd party. (Did you let your attorney know what’s going on? She will tell you how she wants you to handle communication with him. LISTEN TO HER. Do NOT get into an emotional confrontation!)

And yes, he’s going to take heat. Because, whether he wants to remain married or not, the way he is going about things is WRONG, it lacks MATURITY, he’s being sneaky, erratic, and dishonorable. So he deserves the heat that he gets. He will lose their respect (and possibly his job and his clearance) because of his very poor choices. DO NOT try to save him. He needs to learn this lesson on his own.

Also, remember he’s likely to spin this to his family/friends very differently than the existing reality. If they contact you, decline to engage. The matter is out of your hands.

Be strong!

 

[Convert_in_99]

Still thinking of you! :console:

 

[Irishmom2]

Be ready for a confrontational man to call you. DON’T engage. If he wants to “talk”, you two should do this in the presence of a 3rd party. He may blame you for his discomfort…stay on the high ground and insist on a 3rd party.

Also, remember he’s likely to spin this to his family/friends very differently than the existing reality. If they contact you, decline to engage.

You know, he had plenty of time to talk to you when he got back. He chose not to have you there when he returned. He is the one who has gone missing, and is holding your things hostage. Now, it is your turn to call the shots, your turn to decide if, and when, and how you will communicate. And yes, never alone at this point. Not in a text either.

And his family? Who cares what they think right now? He is obviously going to mislead them and pit them against you. So forget about talking to them at all.

Remember that you have plenty of friends here that care for you and are around whenever you need to talk.

 

[pianistclare]

Yes, this Going to be a crucial time for you. The above posters have given some excellent advice.
Be assured of our prayers. If its completely out of character, they will get to the bottom of it.
Try to stay calm, don’t engage in any heated discussions, and let the system work for you. Glad you have an attorney.
Peace dear one,
Clare

 

[KendraDZ1902]

I know it is bad. And we cannot possible understand how hard this is for you. But we are praying for you and we are here for you to communicate with. There has been no judgement on this thread, just people who care about someone and want to offer prayers and advice. Stay strong. And lean hard on God.

I know there has been no judgment. I’m extremely hard on myself. Perfectionism is a major flaw of mine and a crumbling marriage is not perfect.
I absolutely appreciate all of you, because we had “our” friends. So, other than my mom, I don’t have anyone else to talk about all of this with.

 

[PolarGuy]

You can talk to us any time! There are lots of people here of different walks of life, different backgrounds, etc., but with one thing in common: We are all rooting for you!