I’m sorry, where is the discipline and where has it been for the last 15 years? These behaviors did not materialize overnight and are going to be difficult to break at this point.
You are going to have to parent. Boundaries, consistency, consequences, responsibilities… the whole package. Since it seems little to none of this has been in his life for the first 15 years, it is going to be a rough road.
He may also need some psychological evaluation.
There are actually three, whom, between the three were allowed to run things until fairly recently, until their
grandmother got sick of it. Before then, the
parent was overruled, and the kids knew they could go to grandma for the answer they wanted.
I’ve only been around for five-and-a-half years… it’s been pretty much absent in this household under the rationale that “Disciplining them when we don’t see them that often takes away all the
fun…” As someone from the outside walking into the situation later, it was the rampant misbehavior that removed any semblance of fun, even if it was true that we didn’t see the kids often. We still don’t, aside from breaks from school.
I have, however, tried to parent and get their father to parent in the time that I’ve been here, and have often been yelled at or degraded (grandma’s always right) for it due to the above rationale, with the addition of “how do you expect any progress on four days a month,” which is only partway (to me) understandable. It’s not like the kids can’t remember behavior from week to week; that’s how we got into this mess in the first place.
Still, with the allowance of instilling consequences, carrying through with them still seems to be a problem. They get nullified almost immediately.
In regards to psychological evaluation, he has been, and is on medication, but to help violent anger issues that are not at the core of this discussion.
EasterJoy:
There is not necessarily any difference between normal teenage behavior and sloth, depending on the teenager you’re talking about. Some are hard-working, some work well enough when they’re reminded, and some have to be forced to work to the extent that it takes more effort than just doing it yourself. You still have to see that they don’t leave their childhoods without “work experience” and the expectation that yes, they too are expected to contribute when the group has work to do.
Fifteen year olds who get angry and sulky because the world does not revolve around them are going to get a rude awakening if they are not forced to do their duty, anyway. If his parents don’t force him now, then the people who do have to force him to change his ways later (or have to try to) are going to have a voodoo doll with your persona on it…and you’ll deserve it! Do not let this creature loose on the world without having civilized him.
“But I’m lazy!”
“Well, in this world, if you’re going to be lazy, you have to be efficient, because they’ve outlawed slavery where we live. Those who won’t work don’t eat, that’s the way it works around here. You’re not a guest, you’re family. Congratulations. Now get to work. I’m not going to raise a lazy man who won’t pitch in.” Then negotiate what that is going to mean. He needs expectations, but try to give him the feeling that he is also not a slave. Give him some options about how to meet his duty to help around the house, and be willing to teach him what he wants to do but doesn’t know how to do. IOW: This is the work that WE have to accomplish, which small fraction of that total are you going to do?
On the food thing, teenaged boys have unbelievable appetites. Ours are 14, and I can’t believe how much they eat, and they’re not getting fat at all. They’re like sharks or hyenas roaming around. It makes one want to keep her hands in her pockets, so as not to lose a finger. When it comes to work, you might have the most success if you teach the young man how to cook. Besides, homemade food is not only more to one’s personal liking, but also tends to be cheaper. (With the rule: If you don’t have enough time to clean up, you don’t have enough time to eat.) I’d say that you need a place to hide the food that he isn’t going to be allowed to vacuum up, and leave the rest where he can get to it. If he’s not eating the good stuff, then only buy the amount of treats he’s going to be allowed, lock up the treats that belong to you and not to him, and work with him on ways to prepare it that he likes. (Think along the lines of having one of the great apes as a pet, like a chimpanzee or a gorilla…you are still the keeper, you still have to work out how to elicit compliant behaviors more or less voluntarily, but this is a creature of intelligence with some real strength and self-will, and not a puppy any more. )
You actually helped a lot, thanks. I’ve been **allowed **very little to do with the raising of the kids in the time I’ve been here; surely the voodoo doll can’t have
my persona on it? (see above; half-kidding) Also, I
have tried despite the opposition… I know it’s not right, and it’s like people here refused to see the road all three, and especially the oldest (he often acts like an only?) were going down until he was so far down it it’s taking a jet-engine to catch him. I will, however, discuss some of your ideas with his father… (wish me luck)
Becca3:
First of all, I would take his video games away when he doesn’t do his share of the chores around the house.
Second, put locks on the food cabinets until such time to eat AT the dinner table.
Third, let him sleep on the floor if he doesn’t appreciate the cot. Simple as that.
I wish it were that simple…
)
