Where's the Line?

[Back2Basics]

The behavior is just a symptom of the larger family dynamics in play here.

This is, at its root, an issue between your husband and his mother. It is up to him to take the bull by the horns and change the situation.

The secondary issue is that you state you live with her (not the other way around). It is her house. She is therefore lording it over the rest of you, manipulating, controlling, and undermining. While you knew this going in, it is clearly way past time that you and your husband make a change and put an end to this dysfunctional living arrangement.

Short of that-- you aren’t going to change **anyone **in that household except yourself. So, you should start working on ignoring it all unless your DH is willing to confront what seem to be some seriously unresolved dynamics and control issues between him and his mother.

We’re working toward remedying the living situation. As soon as we have the money, we’re gone into our own place. Also, you are the first person to see the situation and not make the excuse “but she’s grandma” for my MIL. Thank you for that. She does manipulate situations, and if we don’t like it, we can “live on the street; it’s up to us.” It’s her house, therefore her [lack of] rules. I don’t like doing things like this, but she can be likened to a dictator. “My way, or get out.”

 

[EasterJoy]

Wow, your DH is 32 and your step-son is 15…your DH wasn’t very old when he became a father, was he?

Did your DHs mom treat him the way she’s treating her grandson? I know from my own DH, his brother, and my MIL that the eyewitness accounts about this probably will differ somewhat, but that might be an issue, whatever the case is. She may also be particularly protective of her grandson because she was not at all convinced that his father was up to the task of fatherhood when the baby arrived.

At any rate, your MIL is captain of the ship, and there is a limit to what you can do about it. Rather than trying to get your step-son to do work on his own, were I you at this point I’d encourage him to work with me…c’mon, set the table with me, c’mon, your grandma made dinner, let’s do dishes for her, c’mon, I have a load of your clothes, let’s fold these together. Start there, and do not let him call himself lazy except in the sense that he doesn’t like to waste effort. Be positive.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Grandma is my husband’s mother… we live with her. She caters to him (the oldest). This is why he talks to her. I’ve tried talking to her about her “coddling” (only in quotes because that’s my own direct quote) him during one of his earliest anger fits, but she assumed it was only mentioned because it annoyed me, and defensively fired back that “Well, you do things that annoy other people here, too.” And has since continued to coddle. It’s lessened, but not enough.

I’ve been worried for a long, long time.

Yeah you have basically ZERO power in this situation. Everything you try to do will be undone by Grandma or your husband. Shame for the boy, he’s going to be a real snot and alienate everyone in his life.

 

[Back2Basics]

Wow, your DH is 32 and your step-son is 15…your DH wasn’t very old when he became a father, was he?

Did your DHs mom treat him the way she’s treating her grandson? I know from my own DH, his brother, and my MIL that the eyewitness accounts about this probably will differ somewhat, but that might be an issue, whatever the case is. She may also be particularly protective of her grandson because she was not at all convinced that his father was up to the task of fatherhood when the baby arrived.

At any rate, your MIL is captain of the ship, and there is a limit to what you can do about it. Rather than trying to get your step-son to do work on his own, were I you at this point I’d encourage him to work with me…c’mon, set the table with me, c’mon, your grandma made dinner, let’s do dishes for her, c’mon, I have a load of your clothes, let’s fold these together. Start there, and do not let him call himself lazy except in the sense that he doesn’t like to waste effort. Be positive.

The specific things you mention, unfortunately, are not my “domain,” either. As for the hubby, he may have not been up to the task then, but she refuses to recognize that he is trying. As far as the “outside my domain” aspect, there’s no way to do it correctly unless she does it, or, in the case of folding clothes, it’s nearly never done when he’s here; because the boys live (sleep, change clothes, etc.) upstairs, I have very little to do with their laundry, aside from the stray shirt or whatever that’s left downstairs. Otherwise, I would certainly take that suggestion.

 

[Back2Basics]

Yeah you have basically ZERO power in this situation. Everything you try to do will be undone by Grandma or your husband. Shame for the boy, he’s going to be a real snot and alienate everyone in his life.

Oh, no, my husband has been trying (albeit recently) to be a father; he had tried before, too, but had given up because of constantly being overridden and told he was wrong.

 

[EasterJoy]

Oh, no, my husband has been trying (albeit recently) to be a father; he had tried before, too, but had given up because of constantly being overridden and told he was wrong.

Since she holds the roof over his head as a reason not to let him have the authority of a father, since she’s been made aware of what he expects and won’t give in, there’s not much choice except to keep peace with her Highness until you can find a castle of your own.

Don’t let him say “but I’m lazy”. Don’t let him say anything about himself that you wouldn’t let his siblings or anyone else say. Just say, “I won’t let anybody put you down, including you. You may be deciding to shirk right now, which is wrong, but you can work hard if you decide to, I know you can.”

 

[Back2Basics]

Since she holds the roof over his head as a reason not to let him have the authority of a father, since she’s been made aware of what he expects and won’t give in, there’s not much choice except to keep peace with her Highness until you can find a castle of your own.

Don’t let him say “but I’m lazy”. Don’t let him say anything about himself that you wouldn’t let his siblings or anyone else say. Just say, “I won’t let anybody put you down, including you. You may be deciding to shirk right now, which is wrong, but you can work hard if you decide to, I know you can.”

Ahaaa… your second paragraph is definitely feasible to try…

 

[maryjk]

Short of that-- you aren’t going to change **anyone **in that household except yourself. So, you should start working on ignoring it all unless your DH is willing to confront what seem to be some seriously unresolved dynamics and control issues between him and his mother.

It is very hard to be the woman of the house, when you aren’t the woman of the house.

 

[Back2Basics]

It is very hard to be the woman of the house, when you aren’t the woman of the house.

So what am I supposed to do while , as 1ke put it, ignoring it all? And there’s no real authority figure when nobody (child-wise, I try to listen to reasonable requests) really listens listens her, either, unless what she says is what they want to hear because that’s how things have apparently always run. She only really exerts her “authority” with the adults, or when she tries with the kids, it is far too late to get things done/calmed down/whatever in a timely fashion.

 

[EasterJoy]

Ahaaa… your second paragraph is definitely feasible to try…

You don’t miss with teens by letting them know you have high expectations for them because you think a lot of them. A lot of times, they rise to the expectation, if it is kind and supportive like that. Not always, but if they ignore you and look back on this time, they think, “She couldn’t get me to change, but she believed in me.” That’s a good thing.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

So what am I supposed to do while , as 1ke put it, ignoring it all? And there’s no real authority figure when nobody (child-wise, I try to listen to reasonable requests) really listens listens her, either, unless what she says is what they want to hear because that’s how things have apparently always run. She only really exerts her “authority” with the adults, or when she tries with the kids, it is far too late to get things done/calmed down/whatever in a timely fashion.

She is doing tremendous damage to your family. I know you must realize this. I don’t know how you can really change any of this, if you can’t get the h-e-double toothpicks out of there NOW.

 

[john78]

to the OP, an I will start off by saying I did not read all 4 pages of responses so I apologize if this is a repeat answer,

But I wonder if you or anyone here has considered that this 15 yr old boy, on top of being lazy or slothful, might also have some personal emotional problems as well that might warrant him being seen by some sort of therapist, of course one would have to consider is this boy socializing with friends that are bringing about some positive influence in his life, how are his grades in school. If both of those are in good standing than perhaps he is indeed just going through a phase and is lazy and needs a good rude awakening in a loving parental way.

But if his social life and grades are suffering on top of his behaviour at home, then one MIGHT want to consider that he is facing some sort of depression or does not have a good sense of self-worth an thus, the why bother attitude shows up. Playing video games all day may blow ones mind, but think of this… If someone is having emotional or problems with depression, video games become an escape from reality, it is fun to begin with to play a video game,an the player has complete control over the video game world. Then when you can add to a multiplayer game over the internet, not only do you have a fantasy world in the video game the player then has " internet friends " whom the player " socializes with " through the game, online… instead of forming real relationships in real life.

But to the video game player ( of any age ) if there are problems that one is not aware of playing video games all day, does not come off as a problem. More over a poor relationship with ones family can also add to wanting to stay on a video game all day, than face the problems that exist at home. Video games can be a lot of fun and normal as with anything, in moderation.

 

[Back2Basics]

She is doing tremendous damage to your family. I know you must realize this. I don’t know how you can really change any of this, if you can’t get the h-e-double toothpicks out of there NOW.

I’ve been trying in what small ways I can since I got here. At first, I possibly was out of line myself, but my hubby was in deep denial, too. He was still there when we moved in with her. Now, I don’t know what to do. And if you’re telling me only to get out, I have nowhere to go. If you’re telling both of us, well, same problem…

 

[Back2Basics]

to the OP, an I will start off by saying I did not read all 4 pages of responses so I apologize if this is a repeat answer,

But I wonder if you or anyone here has considered that this 15 yr old boy, on top of being lazy or slothful, might also have some personal emotional problems as well that might warrant him being seen by some sort of therapist, of course one would have to consider is this boy socializing with friends that are bringing about some positive influence in his life, how are his grades in school. If both of those are in good standing than perhaps he is indeed just going through a phase and is lazy and needs a good rude awakening in a loving parental way.

But if his social life and grades are suffering on top of his behaviour at home, then one MIGHT want to consider that he is facing some sort of depression or does not have a good sense of self-worth an thus, the why bother attitude shows up. Playing video games all day may blow ones mind, but think of this… If someone is having emotional or problems with depression, video games become an escape from reality, it is fun to begin with to play a video game,an the player has complete control over the video game world. Then when you can add to a multiplayer game over the internet, not only do you have a fantasy world in the video game the player then has " internet friends " whom the player " socializes with " through the game, online… instead of forming real relationships in real life.

But to the video game player ( of any age ) if there are problems that one is not aware of playing video games all day, does not come off as a problem. More over a poor relationship with ones family can also add to wanting to stay on a video game all day, than face the problems that exist at home. Video games can be a lot of fun and normal as with anything, in moderation.

He probably does need therapy, but due to biological parental issues with it, I can’t even bring it up as an option. Also, I doubt therapy would help, as he refuses to talk to anyone but his grandmother honestly.

 

[EasterJoy]

to the OP, an I will start off by saying I did not read all 4 pages of responses so I apologize if this is a repeat answer,

But I wonder if you or anyone here has considered that this 15 yr old boy, on top of being lazy or slothful, might also have some personal emotional problems as well that might warrant him being seen by some sort of therapist, of course one would have to consider is this boy socializing with friends that are bringing about some positive influence in his life, how are his grades in school. If both of those are in good standing than perhaps he is indeed just going through a phase and is lazy and needs a good rude awakening in a loving parental way.

But if his social life and grades are suffering on top of his behaviour at home, then one MIGHT want to consider that he is facing some sort of depression or does not have a good sense of self-worth an thus, the why bother attitude shows up. Playing video games all day may blow ones mind, but think of this… If someone is having emotional or problems with depression, video games become an escape from reality, it is fun to begin with to play a video game,an the player has complete control over the video game world. Then when you can add to a multiplayer game over the internet, not only do you have a fantasy world in the video game the player then has " internet friends " whom the player " socializes with " through the game, online… instead of forming real relationships in real life.

But to the video game player ( of any age ) if there are problems that one is not aware of playing video games all day, does not come off as a problem. More over a poor relationship with ones family can also add to wanting to stay on a video game all day, than face the problems that exist at home. Video games can be a lot of fun and normal as with anything, in moderation.

A 15 year old who complains when he’s told to put down the video game and do some work around the house is normal until proven otherwise. That just isn’t unusual behavior.

The decision to hide treats for himself alone with the expectation that he’s actually going to get away with that is more strange, especially the canned fruit. Still, it isn’t unusual for teens to try to get more than their share of the high-sugar, high-salt, or high-fat food in the house. This is also pretty standard. Making sure he’s getting enough quality food and that the treats for the rest of the family are kept out of his grasp, and see how that works, OP. If he is not becoming obese, however, it does not hurt to make it your policy to let Grandma “feed the bears” with a minimum of grumbling for you. Do make sure, however, that if she favors one of the kids that you “catch up” the ones she doesn’t choose to favor.

 

[EasterJoy]

He probably does need therapy, but due to biological parental issues with it, I can’t even bring it up as an option. Also, I doubt therapy would help, as he refuses to talk to anyone but his grandmother honestly.

Unfortunately, most people on the planet who would profit from a knowledgeable and prudent listener don’t get one or won’t use one if it is available. It falls in the category of those things we have to find the wisdom to accept because we can’t change them. Do what you can, and try to let go of the rest and hope it all sorts itself out in the end. There’s not much else that you can do, and extra worry over it doesn’t change that. Prayer does help with accepting those things that need to be changed, but that are out of your hands.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

I’ve been trying in what small ways I can since I got here. At first, I possibly was out of line myself, but my hubby was in deep denial, too. He was still there when we moved in with her. Now, I don’t know what to do. And if you’re telling me only to get out, I have nowhere to go. If you’re telling both of us, well, same problem…

No, I would not tell you to leave your husband and children (his and yours). I meant for the family to get out from under Grandma’s thumb. I’m just sorry you’re in such a pickle, and I will put you in my prayers. God is so much more creative than I am, I will let Him find the solution!

 

[Back2Basics]

No, I would not tell you to leave your husband and children (his and yours). I meant for the family to get out from under Grandma’s thumb. I’m just sorry you’re in such a pickle, and I will put you in my prayers. God is so much more creative than I am, I will let Him find the solution!

I apologize for misconstruing what you said; I have spent far too long in the secular world where the solution to every problem is, “Run away, run away!”

EasterJoy:

A 15 year old who complains when he’s told to put down the video game and do some work around the house is normal until proven otherwise. That just isn’t unusual behavior.

The decision to hide treats for himself alone with the expectation that he’s actually going to get away with that is more strange, especially the canned fruit. Still, it isn’t unusual for teens to try to get more than their share of the high-sugar, high-salt, or high-fat food in the house. This is also pretty standard. Making sure he’s getting enough quality food and that the treats for the rest of the family are kept out of his grasp, and see how that works, OP. If he is not becoming obese, however, it does not hurt to make it your policy to let Grandma “feed the bears” with a minimum of grumbling for you. Do make sure, however, that if she favors one of the kids that you “catch up” the ones she doesn’t choose to favor.

No, the complaints aren’t so strange, those could be dealt with. He’s been known to get downright belligerent about it, though. We (all adults) will either be ignored completely, grunted at, or worse (do I need to get into a description?)
We try to “catch up” with the younger two, but then it’s pointed out that we aren’t behaving fairly.

 

[maryjk]

Sorry, I am probably a bit slow today, but Back2Basics, could you explain your family situation again?

This is what I got: you are married and have been married for about 5 years. There are three children, but they are your step children?

You live with your husband and his mother. Do the children live with you full time? Or every other weekend/visitation?

Also, are there enough rooms and beds for everyone? Or is someone always in the living room on a cot?

Sorry, like I said, I am sure I am being a little slow.

 

[Back2Basics]

Sorry, I am probably a bit slow today, but Back2Basics, could you explain your family situation again?

This is what I got: you are married and have been married for about 5 years. There are three children, but they are your step children?

You live with your husband and his mother. Do the children live with you full time? Or every other weekend/visitation?

Also, are there enough rooms and beds for everyone? Or is someone always in the living room on a cot?

Sorry, like I said, I am sure I am being a little slow.

No worries; here’s the quick rundown.

I’ve been with my husband 5.5 years, only married for one. We live with his mother, who, in a rather dictatorial fashion, rules the roost. The three children are my stepchildren; my husband and I don’t have any together. They aren’t with us full-time, mostly every other weekend and (at least) half of their breaks, but the oldest is staying with us for now, due to issues with his stepfather. We do not have enough rooms, and the boys (youngest and oldest) refuse to share; the middle child is the only female. The room, the oldest claims, is too stuffy, anyway, so he willingly ceded it to the youngest, who doesn’t mind. It is, mostly for that reason, the oldest on a cot in the living room.