Where's the Line?

[EasterJoy]

…No, the complaints aren’t so strange, those could be dealt with. He’s been known to get downright belligerent about it, though. We (all adults) will either be ignored completely, grunted at, or worse (do I need to get into a description?)
We try to “catch up” with the younger two, but then it’s pointed out that we aren’t behaving fairly.

No, you don’t nee to give a description. We have twin 14 year olds, and they are on a baseball team. Your son has been kicked out by the other “step”, so he obviously isn’t the easiest kid to get along with. That paradoxically makes him emotionally vulnerable. Do get some professional advice about handling him.

I also have some experience with altar servers, and even they often start with the sullen grunting stuff at about 14 or 15. Not all of them, but some that you wouldn’t have predicted! It definitely has to do with the age group and the forces of biology, because of the number of times I’ve seen the “what happened to my amiable child? I know he was just here a few months ago, and WHO is this in his place? My, he certainly does eat a lot, doesn’t he?” It is worse, however, with the ones that weren’t properly civilized even when they were nine or ten.

The best thing I’ve ever learned to say is, “Well, life isn’t fair. Life is good. If you think about it at all, it can’t be both. You have too much to be thankful for to be jealous over this.” My DH likes to say, “Why does he get it? Because I like him better…” The other thing we sometimes use is “His piece is bigger than yours? Well, look at mine? How about you and I trade?” (because of course we parents each have the two smallest pieces.) It doesn’t matter what you say, as long as you just refuse to get into the argument.

There are quite a few good books on the adolescent brain on the market now, and lots of libraries have them. I don’t agree with everything they say, but they do have a lot of insights to offer in terms of what is par for the course, and what strategies have the best (and worst) chances of working. If nothing else, they’ll convince you that you’re not alone.

 

[WiccanWoman]

“But I’m lazy!”

“Well, in this world, if you’re going to be lazy, you have to be efficient, because they’ve outlawed slavery where we live. Those who won’t work don’t eat, that’s the way it works around here. You’re not a guest, you’re family. Congratulations. Now get to work. I’m not going to raise a lazy man who won’t pitch in.” Then negotiate what that is going to mean. He needs expectations, but try to give him the feeling that he is also not a slave. Give him some options about how to meet his duty to help around the house, and be willing to teach him what he wants to do but doesn’t know how to do. IOW: This is the work that WE have to accomplish, which small fraction of that total are you going to do?

OMGracious, I do love this. THIS! ^^^^^

I promise if I ever use this anywhere else, I’ll give you credit! (A person named “EasterJoy” said this on Catholic Forums, and I love it.)

Namaste.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

No worries; here’s the quick rundown.

I’ve been with my husband 5.5 years, only married for one. We live with his mother, who, in a rather dictatorial fashion, rules the roost. The three children are my stepchildren; my husband and I don’t have any together. They aren’t with us full-time, mostly every other weekend and (at least) half of their breaks, but the oldest is staying with us for now, due to issues with his stepfather. We do not have enough rooms, and the boys (youngest and oldest) refuse to share; the middle child is the only female. The room, the oldest claims, is too stuffy, anyway, so he willingly ceded it to the youngest, who doesn’t mind. It is, mostly for that reason, the oldest on a cot in the living room.

Any chance at all of family therapy? This kid has a lot of strikes against him.

 

[Back2Basics]

Any chance at all of family therapy? This kid has a lot of strikes against him.

:nope: I wish it were possible, but his father hates therapy. In fact, his father hates the fact that he’s on medication, even though he actually needs it. Before meds and after meds, he was two totally different kids, anger-wise. My DH refuses to see it, however, and wants him off of said meds if he comes to live with us permanently.

 

[EasterJoy]

:nope: I wish it were possible, but his father hates therapy. In fact, his father hates the fact that he’s on medication, even though he actually needs it. Before meds and after meds, he was two totally different kids, anger-wise. My DH refuses to see it, however, and wants him off of said meds if he comes to live with us permanently.

You’re the prophet in your family. Stick up for him, good for you. And by the way, I know you have to call him “stepson” here, because it lets you articulate the political and historical situation you’re up against, but by all means in your real life always refer to him as your son, period. Treat him like your own, stick up for him like he’s your own, be proud of him like he’s your own. Get all mama bear about him, even with papa bear. That is very different from grand-mothering (as important as that is in its own place), and he needs it. “When I was a stranger, you welcomed me.” That boy is a Christ in your life, and this is the work of eternal life.

Some of us in my area call a lot of those kids on meds “working dogs”. They’re like those breeds of dogs that you have to give work in order to keep them happy and out of trouble. If your son isn’t physically active, help him to find a way that he’ll enjoy to do that. It’ll get him out of the house, too. Our teens are night and day, depending on whether we get them out on the sport court. Still, I have seen several kids that age get on the meds and also get the structure they need and more importantly the positive feedback they need–not praise so much as respect for them as human beings and emerging adults–and they often rise to the expectation of the respect they’re getting. Also, expect mistakes. IOW, be a coach. Don’t be satisfied with poor performance, but try to build the will in him to improve for his own sake, to take credit for his own successes, and to make amends and then move past whatever mistakes he makes. Dwell on the accomplishments of the past, but not the mistakes. Treat those right now, make adjustments and re-focus right now, then encourage him to put those in the past.

Don’t beat yourself up because you and he are up against difficult circumstances. Be faithful, do the best you can, learn from your own mistakes, adjust, and let go of them. You aren’t expected to win successes. You’re expected to play the cards you were dealt as well as you can. Hang in there!!

 

[Back2Basics]

You’re the prophet in your family. Stick up for him, good for you. And by the way, I know you have to call him “stepson” here, because it lets you articulate the political and historical situation you’re up against, but by all means in your real life always refer to him as your son, period. Treat him like your own, stick up for him like he’s your own, be proud of him like he’s your own. Get all mama bear about him, even with papa bear. That is very different from grand-mothering (as important as that is in its own place), and he needs it. “When I was a stranger, you welcomed me.” That boy is a Christ in your life, and this is the work of eternal life.

Some of us in my area call a lot of those kids on meds “working dogs”. They’re like those breeds of dogs that you have to give work in order to keep them happy and out of trouble. If your son isn’t physically active, help him to find a way that he’ll enjoy to do that. It’ll get him out of the house, too. Our teens are night and day, depending on whether we get them out on the sport court. Still, I have seen several kids that age get on the meds and also get the structure they need and more importantly the positive feedback they need–not praise so much as respect for them as human beings and emerging adults–and they often rise to the expectation of the respect they’re getting. Also, expect mistakes. IOW, be a coach. Don’t be satisfied with poor performance, but try to build the will in him to improve for his own sake, to take credit for his own successes, and to make amends and then move past whatever mistakes he makes. Dwell on the accomplishments of the past, but not the mistakes. Treat those right now, make adjustments and re-focus right now, then encourage him to put those in the past.

Don’t beat yourself up because you and he are up against difficult circumstances. Be faithful, do the best you can, learn from your own mistakes, adjust, and let go of them. You aren’t expected to win successes. You’re expected to play the cards you were dealt as well as you can. Hang in there!!

But he’s not my son, as is clearly stated every time I try to go all “mama bear.” That’s only “allowed” when dealing with outside forces (e.g. his getting bullied outside the house, “who the H-e-double-hockey-stix is messing with my son?”) But within the family, it seems, if I disagree, because I didn’t give birth to him and haven’t been around for his whole life nor have I actually given birth to anyone(that makes me unqualified for any sort of parenting here, apparently), even if I care about him as though he were my own, it’s treason… or worse… It almost seems like giving in to the kids (and through that, messing them up terribly) is the actual religion here, and my trying to help them is heresy.

Also, I do not mean to sound heretical myself making that last comment on heresy… that’s just how it comes across. It’s just really upsetting, because in order to keep the peace, it feels like I have to give in along with and to everyone else, and have no opinions on child-rearing myself.

 

[EasterJoy]

But he’s not my son, as is clearly stated every time I try to go all “mama bear.” That’s only “allowed” when dealing with outside forces (e.g. his getting bullied outside the house, “who the H-e-double-hockey-stix is messing with my son?”) But within the family, it seems, if I disagree, because I didn’t give birth to him and haven’t been around for his whole life nor have I actually given birth to anyone(that makes me unqualified for any sort of parenting here, apparently), even if I care about him as though he were my own, it’s treason… or worse… It almost seems like giving in to the kids (and through that, messing them up terribly) is the actual religion here, and my trying to help them is heresy.

Also, I do not mean to sound heretical myself making that last comment on heresy… that’s just how it comes across. It’s just really upsetting, because in order to keep the peace, it feels like I have to give in along with and to everyone else, and have no opinions on child-rearing myself.

Be careful about letting manipulative people force you to back down to keep the peace. You can re-phrase to keep the peace, but do not back down if this is your sentiment.

I think you can beg to differ, and in my experience you don’t gain very much with manipulative people by conceding the important stuff. Let them pick what channel to watch, but stick up for the truth. I think you can say this: “I’m married to his father, and he is mine. If I were to have a baby and I showed preference for my baby over this young man who is the flesh and blood of my husband or even to a child that this husband of mine and I adopted, I would feel ashamed of myself. A child of DH’s is a child of mine, and even if no one gives me authority over him as such, I will still take responsibility for him as such, because I think that is what his dignity as my husband’s son requires. My husband is the world to me, and because of that his son is the world to me, his son is a very son to me, and if you don’t like it, that is just too bad.”

 

[Back2Basics]

Be careful about letting manipulative people force you to back down to keep the peace. You can re-phrase to keep the peace, but do not back down if this is your sentiment.

I think you can beg to differ, and in my experience you don’t gain very much with manipulative people by conceding the important stuff. Let them pick what channel to watch, but stick up for the truth. I think you can say this: “I’m married to his father, and he is mine. If I were to have a baby and I showed preference for my baby over this young man who is the flesh and blood of my husband or even to a child that this husband of mine and I adopted, I would feel ashamed of myself. A child of DH’s is a child of mine, and even if no one gives me authority over him as such, I will still take responsibility for him as such, because I think that is what his dignity as my husband’s son requires. My husband is the world to me, and because of that his son is the world to me, his son is a very son to me, and if you don’t like it, that is just too bad.”

I could say something like that, but not to my MIL. She’d fire back, “If you don’t like how I’m raising my grandchildren, you can get the [expletive] out of my house. My house, my rules.” What can be read into this is, “I do not care whether I’m right or wrong in behaving this way; I’m right.”

She treats the adults like we’re six, and the kids like they’re in charge.

 

[1ke]

There is nothing you will be able to do say or do that will change anyone else in this situation. Moving out as a family will certainly mitigate some of the issues, but will resolve none of them. They are multi-dimensional and on a level that really requires a professional intervention.

Your choices seem to be to find a way to make peace with the entire situation and separate yourself from it while still living in it, or remove yourself from it entirely.

 

[Back2Basics]

There is nothing you will be able to do say or do that will change anyone else in this situation. Moving out as a family will certainly mitigate some of the issues, but will resolve none of them. They are multi-dimensional and on a level that really requires a professional intervention.

Your choices seem to be to find a way to make peace with the entire situation and separate yourself from it while still living in it, or remove yourself from it entirely.

I apologize for the foul language, but I literally cannot think of or find a more appropriate word for this: I am screwed. I have nowhere to go to get out of this situation (I have very few friends in-state and can’t go to live with my mother in WI; we just don’t get along when living in the same household) and this situation is impossible to separate myself from, as when I try, I get accused of “not caring” and “not wanting to be involved in this family.”

On the foul language note, if anyone has any suggestions, please help.

 

[maryjk]

I apologize for the foul language, but I literally cannot think of or find a more appropriate word for this: I am screwed. I have nowhere to go to get out of this situation (I have very few friends in-state and can’t go to live with my mother in WI; we just don’t get along when living in the same household) and this situation is impossible to separate myself from, as when I try, I get accused of “not caring” and “not wanting to be involved in this family.”

On the foul language note, if anyone has any suggestions, please help.

Yes, it is a terrible situation. But 1ke is right.

You are living in someone else’s house, raising someone else’s children. You can’t win.

Like 1ke said, you have to separate yourself, either physically or mentally.

 

[1ke]

I apologize for the foul language, but I literally cannot think of or find a more appropriate word for this: I am screwed. I have nowhere to go to get out of this situation (I have very few friends in-state and can’t go to live with my mother in WI; we just don’t get along when living in the same household) and this situation is impossible to separate myself from, as when I try, I get accused of “not caring” and “not wanting to be involved in this family.”

On the foul language note, if anyone has any suggestions, please help.

So when I go back to your OP, your question here was, "Where is the line?" There is no line. The line is wherever your MIL says it is.

Your stepson sounds like he has multiple emotional and psychological issues, so really there may be no line-- gluttony and sloth are spiritual diseases, vices that translate into sins. Your stepson is likely not capable of forming such intent.

He is a victim of his father and grandmother’s ineptitude and their psychological problems, and his own mother’s as well. He is a victim of teen parenting and poor choices of others.

He is doing all he knows how to do-- coping, manipulating, and managing as best as he knows how. Children of alcoholics and drug addicts do it. Children of those with mental illness do it. Children in dysfunctional households do it. They all find different mechanisms to cope.

I believe you are witnessing your stepson’s coping behaviors. Be glad they aren’t worse.

Frankly I’d call child services on this entire nut house and let the chips fall where they may, especially if my spouse took a child off of medication he needed to function.

 

[Back2Basics]

Yes, it is a terrible situation. But 1ke is right.

You are living in someone else’s house, raising someone else’s children. You can’t win.

Like 1ke said, you have to separate yourself, either physically or mentally.

I grasp what I’m being told to do, I just want to know how… like I said… can’t physically go anywhere, as I have nowhere to go… and if I go to my mental “happy place,” I run the risk of standing accused of not caring or wanting to be part of the family.

 

[Back2Basics]

So when I go back to your OP, your question here was, "Where is the line?" There is no line. The line is wherever your MIL says it is.

Your stepson sounds like he has multiple emotional and psychological issues, so really there may be no line-- gluttony and sloth are spiritual diseases, vices that translate into sins. Your stepson is likely not capable of forming such intent.

He is a victim of his father and grandmother’s ineptitude and their psychological problems, and his own mother’s as well. He is a victim of teen parenting and poor choices of others.

He is doing all he knows how to do-- coping, manipulating, and managing as best as he knows how. Children of alcoholics and drug addicts do it. Children of those with mental illness do it. Children in dysfunctional households do it. They all find different mechanisms to cope.

I believe you are witnessing your stepson’s coping behaviors. Be glad they aren’t worse.

Frankly I’d call child services on this entire nut house and let the chips fall where they may, especially if my spouse took a child off of medication he needed to function.

CPS has already been called on the other household… they did nothing.

 

[1ke]

and if I go to my mental “happy place,” I run the risk of standing accused of not caring or wanting to be part of the family.

At this point, I would say “so what?” Stand accused.

 

[maryjk]

At this point, I would say “so what?” Stand accused.

You took the words right out of my mouth.

 

[Back2Basics]

You took the words right out of my mouth.

1ke:

At this point, I would say “so what?” Stand accused

…this is going to end badly; I can feel it. I appreciate the advice; please don’t think I don’t. I can just feel this going in the polar opposite direction of where I wanted it to.

 

[maryjk]

…this is going to end badly; I can feel it. I appreciate the advice; please don’t think I don’t. I can just feel this going in the polar opposite direction of where I wanted it to.

So, what do you think you should do?

 

[Back2Basics]

So, what do you think you should do?

I still have no idea, because I don’t have very many options. Any path I take at this juncture feels like a bad one.

 

[maryjk]

I still have no idea, because I don’t have very many options. Any path I take at this juncture feels like a bad one.

Sometimes those are the only options.

You are in a bad situation. There are no good solutions. So, yes, any path feels like a bad one.