Well, for right this second, I’m going to go thataway…
You are in the best place to know where discretion will be the better part of valor. Your main responsibility is to keep a roof over the children’s heads, after all! It is not as if you can pick a fight to defend your own pride or other needs of the children in neglect of that one. If your DH were picking fights with his mom to defend his place, after all, what would it accomplish? With her, nothing except to put the children into a house of strife, and a house that is in strife over them, and maybe with no home at all. No, unless you can hope for a good outcome, you might be very right in just not going there.
How about this, instead:
and this:You are in the best place to know where discretion will be the better part of valor. Your main responsibility is to keep a roof over the children’s heads, after all! It is not as if you can pick a fight to defend your own pride or other needs of the children in neglect of that one. If your DH were picking fights with his mom to defend his place, after all, what would it accomplish? With her, nothing except to put the children into a house of strife, and a house that is in strife over them, and maybe with no home at all. No, unless you can hope for a good outcome, you might be very right in just not going there.
You will not get criticism from me if you choose to bite your tongue around someone like that. I am saying that in your heart of hearts, know that you deserve a place as this young man’s mother. In his heart of hearts, he deserves to have you there, especially since he’s been expelled from his biological mother’s home. They may be denying you recognition of your rightful place in this family, just as your MIL is denying your DH his rightful place, and maybe there is little you two can do about it now. Just do not doubt that the place is rightfully yours.
I think that all you can do is to encourage the children to work and to know how to do things. Let them know that you think they are likable people and have what it takes to grow up into worthwhile adults. When you point out a bad habit, point it out when it won’t cause a lot of strife, but also in a way that says, “you’re selling yourself short. You are a fine person, and you owe it to yourself to reach for a high standard. You can do it, and you’ll be proud of yourself.” IOW, sell it as much as possible as a testament to the esteem in which you hold him. Divorce your complaints from shame, because that kid is probably carrying around more shame than he needs.
Do not beat yourself up or think of this as a “can’t win” situation. The Lord’s whole life was one big “can’t win” situation! “Jerusalem, Jerusalem, you who kill the prophets and stone those sent to you, how many times I yearned to gather your children together as a hen gathers her brood under her wings, but you were unwilling!” Luke 13:34 When you go to the Lord in prayer, remind yourself that he knows all about being surrounded by incorrigible people who want to stone you every time you tell the truth. He knows about impermeable souls. He knows about your situation, too. He doesn’t expect the impossible from you.
Think of it as a “it’s not perfect, but we’ll do the best we can while we have to” situation. There is a saying from air travel, “Any landing you walk away from is a good one.” Aim to be able to walk away from this situation as soon as possible and with the best relationships with the rest of your family that you can. Maybe a day will come when you have to stick in there and take a stoning, but most of the time when they picked up stones to kill the Lord, he walked out of their midst and kept on walking. If it not the day, that is OK.
I don’t know how to thank you. I actually almost cried.How about this, instead:
And place yourself in the company of the saints…St. Joan, for instance. She also knows what it is to be made out to be a lunatic and burned at the stake over politics. Let them help you to know that just because you are being persecuted does not mean you are doing the wrong thing! Just because you don’t reach a hoped-for goal does not mean you are doing the wrong thing! Just because other people put you down and badmouth you does not mean you are doing the wrong thing! Just because you’re getting beaten up does not mean you’re doing the wrong thing! Just because you’re hiding in a cave, safe from harm for the moment, does not mean you’re doing the wrong thing! Follow charity, follow patience and kindness and all the stuff St. Paul talked about as the more excellent way, and then let the decision about when to stand your ground and when to give your enemies the slip instead come out of that.
I cannot tell you how happy I am to hear that. You are doing a courageous thing, hanging in there with your husband and the children that are in your joint care. Do not ever be hard on yourselves because you are fighting a war that has good days and bad days, and lost battles as well as battles won. The main thing is that in all ways you and your husband are on the same page, with God as your help. After that, winning and losing means nothing, except that you are proven faithful.
I do also try to work under the law of beggars can’t be choosers in most aspects, and therefore am able to shut out and/or shrug off a lot. I’ll vent, get it off my chest, and it’s over. This is frankly the only thing overall I allow to really get to me, possibly because I know (more can feel) how far the consequences of all of this can reach. My husband is catching up; I can definitely give him credit for that. He still has some trouble following through, but he is also still getting used to the idea of being a parent with support–he, at first, saw my attempts to help as complaints about the kids themselves (never in a million years).I cannot tell you how happy I am to hear that. You are doing a courageous thing, hanging in there with your husband and the children that are in your joint care. Do not ever be hard on yourselves because you are fighting a war that has good days and bad days, and lost battles as well as battles won. The main thing is that in all ways you and your husband are on the same page, with God as your help. After that, winning and losing means nothing, except that you are proven faithful.
Your MIL’s place is a trial, but it is also a roof over your heads. She is taking you in, in spite of her faults. Do your best to get out on your own as soon as you can, but in the meantime, a half a loaf is better than none. Beggars can’t be choosers. Hang in there!!
Your husband married well! Hang in there!!
I will, thank you.Your husband married well! Hang in there!!
