Who should make the first move?

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blue_skies_1

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I have a question in particular for all you married people but anyone is welcome to give their personal experience.
I feel that generally relationships work better if the man makes the first move and is generally the one doing the ‘chasing’. Has this been your experience?

For the married people - who made the first move, in your situation? Did you play the traditional gender roles?

Are there any particular pitfalls relating to this that I should avoid, as a woman, when dating? I must admit I tend to agonise over whether someone likes me and this can lead me into possibly making ‘wrong moves’ (I know this may be a silly way to think)!

What are your views on this type of thing?
 
I don’t think it matters who makes the first move or who chases.
If the relationship feels like work, then it’s not going to work out.
 
I’m a traditionalist when it comes to courting. Men always did the asking with me…my husband did the asking. I never viewed it as ‘chasing.’ I really think relationships work best if there are no games being played. I think if both people are honest, and just keep the communication lines open (ie: if you’re not into someone, don’t keep stringing the person along, etc) dating wouldn’t be so hard. It seems like it’s grown into a chore nowadays. :o I remember when guys just asked me out in high school, or college…if I liked the guy, I said yes…we went out…couple of dates later…we would either agree to continue dating, or not date anymore. Now, it’s all about myspace, and text messaging…and reading between the lines of what did he/she mean when he/she said…thaaaaatttt…haha

I think that if it becomes work to date someone, that is the wrong someone for you. :o
 
I agree that we definitely should keep it simple, no games, and plain honest communication. That having been said, I am not entirely traditional. I did, in a sense, “make the first move” with my fiance by letting him know I was interested. But I don’t think that there is anything wrong with that. He was pretty shy and kind of needed a little encouragement. I do not believe that it has done our relationship any harm, and I certainly don’t feel that I have to chase him now. He is very dedicated to me, and is extremely happy that we are together now.

That having been said, the man does need to “prove himself” sometimes, and because of that, it is very important that the woman does not pick up all the slack or take every step first. Sometimes a guy needs his space, and we girls have to wait. For instance, I would not say “I love you” until he had said it first – even though I knew I loved him for about a year before that. I just had to wait for him to be sure – because pushing a guy never works. The few times I did that at all, it definitely pushed him away.

So – nothing wrong, if a you’re a girl, with letting someone know you’re interested, but you shouldn’t “chase,” push, or try to get him to change his mind. Let him decide in his own time if he wants to be in a relationship, and let him decide how fast it’s going to go. If he’s not ready, he’s not going to be ready.

How’s that for a condensed version of my views on dating? I could go on for pages … 😉
 
blue_skies said:
What are your views on this type of thing?
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Well… Since you asked… 😃

I think the first “move” should be made by the woman. Now, by “move,” I mean eye contact, smile, whatever… Something very small, something that communicates, “I am approachable.” When random dudes used to just come up to me, without me even making eye contact with them, I became unsettled. The contact wasn’t welcome; I wasn’t expecting it. It needs to be me initiating that first move, like an invitation to a birthday party. Don’t just show up at my birthday party without being invited; it’s rude.

I don’t do the whole “chasing” business. I never asked guys out on dates or whatever, because my dad told me that if a guy isn’t going to do the asking, he doesn’t deserve me… If he really wants to get to know me, to decide if he wants to marry me, he’ll ask me to hang out with him. When a relationship had been established, I loved making recommendations on how to spend our time (zoo, museum, park, hiking trail, county fair, playing cards at home, etc.), but prior to that, I wanted to see what kinds of places he would pick. It helped me judge whether or not I wanted to move forward. I figured that since I wasn’t into bars, clubs, and such, any guy who liked to hang out in places like that was probably not the guy for me.

My husband and I met in high school, and I was being introduced to the group of friends. I made eye contact with everyone, and I smiled first. That smile was the green light for conversation. An offer to shake hands and a nice, “Hi, I’m [first name]. Pleased to meet you,” didn’t go unnoticed in my little world. 😉

Now, my husband is a very quiet man. He doesn’t talk much, and when he does, he uses big words to effectively minimize the overall length of time he spends communicating. He’s friendly and polite, but wasn’t terribly self-confident when we met. Good thing we spent the first 2 years as friends before we moved on to dating, because I don’t think he would’ve otherwise had the confidence to ask me out.
 
whatevergirl said:
I’m a traditionalist when it comes to courting. Men always did the asking with me…my husband did the asking. I never viewed it as ‘chasing.’ I really think relationships work best if there are no games being played. I think if both people are honest, and just keep the communication lines open (ie: if you’re not into someone, don’t keep stringing the person along, etc) dating wouldn’t be so hard. It seems like it’s grown into a chore nowadays. :o I remember when guys just asked me out in high school, or college…if I liked the guy, I said yes…we went out…couple of dates later…we would either agree to continue dating, or not date anymore. Now, it’s all about myspace, and text messaging…and reading between the lines of what did he/she mean when he/she said…thaaaaatttt…haha

I think that if it becomes work to date someone, that is the wrong someone for you. :o
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:yup: :yup: :yup:
On that note, my husband asked me out the first time. Neither one of us were into the crazy games that people play when dating. He called, if I wanted to go out and could I did. If for some reason I couldn’t, I told him why. He knew where he stood with me, and I knew where I stood with him.
Now, we have a very traditional marriage.
 
sometimes the lady has to do what she has to do to make sure the gentlemen knows she would not take it amiss if he made the first move. all’s fair
 
blue_skies said:
I feel that generally relationships work better if the man makes the first move and is generally the one doing the ‘chasing’. Has this been your experience?
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Men should always approach the woman. If the man doesn’t approach, he’s “just not that into you.”
blue_skies said:
For the married people - who made the first move, in your situation? Did you play the traditional gender roles?
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DH initiated contact with me (via Ave Maria internet site) and yes, we believe in traditional roles.
blue_skies said:
Are there any particular pitfalls relating to this that I should avoid, as a woman, when dating?
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Yes, the main pitfall to avoid is ignoring data during the dating process. Especially ignoring data that says, “this guy’s not for me.” Too many people rationalize signs and signals that they should be tuned in to and taking seriously.

I recommend the book Date or Soul Mate by Dr. Neil Clark Warren. It’s not a Catholic book, but it does a very good job of outlining what a person should be doing during the dating process to discern compatibility for marriage.
blue_skies said:
I must admit I tend to agonise over whether someone likes me and this can lead me into possibly making ‘wrong moves’ (I know this may be a silly way to think)!

What are your views on this type of thing?
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The woman should not make “moves.” All women have to do is show up. If a man is interested, he will make the move.

Men spend money and time on the things they **want **to spend money and time on. And, if they are interested, they WILL allocate time for you. (And I don’t mean gobs of money, I mean paying for lunch, a movie, etc). Dutch is **not **a date until you are well established as a couple.
 
Why oh why do we have to play these cat and mouse games? I feel like it has prolonged so much of my youth and energy, I could have been all settled by now. I seem to think my ancestors pre-arranged marriages were better, every-time I have to search for someone else, I cringe at all the going over the same questions, at times, I want to just burrow myself back home. However I will answer this question in my own point of view.

I agree the first move should be by the woman. I take rejection pretty well. I don’t vest too much hope in something like talking over coffee, should it happen. I keep a level head. I feel completely awful telling a man “no” or I have to wash my hair because a conversation went well and I was smiling so much it was mistaken for potential interest. Karma happens, and I have also been on the receiving end of that stick, that’s life, it’s ok, you will move on.

I hope this is understood that it is a direct asking to go out and do something somewhere, no going around it like, hey can I have your email or phone number stuff, that is not a date or a possibility for a spouse.

Sweet logic: It is enough to assume the interest is there if the woman firstly asks, and the gentleman kindly accepts, if there is a good duration for courting you can bet HE will have a question for the woman!

Hope this helps!
-Hope
 
Can’t go wrong with 1ke’s advice. I hear a lot of women asking men out…something just bugs me about that. I think if a friendship is established, and a woman suggests a movie, etc…this is not asking a man out on a date. I hear a lot of those scenarios, and to me, that is not the same thing.

My husband and I met at a party. He asked me out afterwards. I would not have felt feminine (this is just me) if I had to ask men out …and I have a gf who complains that her now husband is not very ‘take charge,’ and leaves all the decision making up to her…it drives her crazy. She told me she asked him to marry her. Well, then why is she surprised by what followed?

Not saying there aren’t shy men out there…who need a little nudge. That’s ok. I just don’t think women should be getting down on one knee asking men to marry them. Eeeeek–no!

And I agree with you 1ke…classy men pay for their dates.
 
1ke said:
Men should always approach the woman. If the man doesn’t approach, he’s “just not that into you.”

DH initiated contact with me (via Ave Maria internet site) and yes, we believe in traditional roles.

Yes, the main pitfall to avoid is ignoring data during the dating process. Especially ignoring data that says, “this guy’s not for me.” Too many people rationalize signs and signals that they should be tuned in to and taking seriously.

I recommend the book Date or Soul Mate by Dr. Neil Clark Warren. It’s not a Catholic book, but it does a very good job of outlining what a person should be doing during the dating process to discern compatibility for marriage.

The woman should not make “moves.” All women have to do is show up. If a man is interested, he will make the move.

Men spend money and time on the things they **want **to spend money and time on. And, if they are interested, they WILL allocate time for you. (And I don’t mean gobs of money, I mean paying for lunch, a movie, etc). Dutch is **not **a date until you are well established as a couple.
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he’s “just not that into you.” - Ohhhh this imfamous line, I first heard on an episode of Sex in the City, which was based on a book, by a JERKwad! Sometimes, probably most times, She’s just not into you either!

“The woman should not make “moves.” All women have to do is show up. If a man is interested, he will make the move.” - No, not all men are this confident, I do not think there are books that can really depict the minds of the majority of men or women, I do not want to go into this with the thought that I have to bank my behavior according to statistics, when I see the goods, I jump on it, full force! No regrets!

-Hope
 
Interesting… we seem to be mostly traditionalists here! (can’t say I’m surprised;) )
I would agree with the advice of whatevergirl, 1ke… although puzzleannie, you make a good point that sometimes we have to clearly show availability! Smile, etc. But other than that, I honestly don’t believe making a first move can lead anywhere good… Whatevergirl, you mentioned your girlfriend’s problems with her husband being rather passive. I’ve been in a similar situation with an old boyfriend where I used to do most of the running, it was so frustrating! I would’ve been happier in the long run had I realised straight away that he wasn’t ‘that into me’ since he hadn’t quite got his act together for really asking me out…
Honestly, that’s the advice I would give - be friendly (without coming on too strong) and then leave it to the man to ask out, pay for the dates at the start etc. I’m not suggesting it couldn’t work any other way, but that’s my experience (and I’ve learned the hard way! :o )
By the way, what do people mean by ‘playing games’? What constitutes a ‘game’, and what’s just being a bit savvy and knowing your male psychology:thumbsup: ?
 
OLHope said:
he’s “just not that into you.” - Ohhhh this imfamous line, I first heard on an episode of Sex in the City, which was based on a book, by a JERKwad! Sometimes, probably most times, She’s just not into you either!

“The woman should not make “moves.” All women have to do is show up. If a man is interested, he will make the move.” - No, not all men are this confident, I do not think there are books that can really depict the minds of the majority of men or women, I do not want to go into this with the thought that I have to bank my behavior according to statistics,** when I see the goods, I jump on it, full force! No regrets!**
-Hope
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Goodness! You sound very assertive!! :rotfl:
 
blue_skies said:
Interesting… we seem to be mostly traditionalists here! (can’t say I’m surprised;) )
I would agree with the advice of whatevergirl, 1ke… although puzzleannie, you make a good point that sometimes we have to clearly show availability! Smile, etc. But other than that, I honestly don’t believe making a first move can lead anywhere good… Whatevergirl, you mentioned your girlfriend’s problems with her husband being rather passive. I’ve been in a similar situation with an old boyfriend where I used to do most of the running, it was so frustrating! I would’ve been happier in the long run had I realised straight away that he wasn’t ‘that into me’ since he hadn’t quite got his act together for really asking me out…
Honestly, that’s the advice I would give - be friendly (without coming on too strong) and then leave it to the man to ask out, pay for the dates at the start etc. I’m not suggesting it couldn’t work any other way, but that’s my experience (and I’ve learned the hard way! :o )
By the way, what do people mean by ‘playing games’? What constitutes a ‘game’, and what’s just being a bit savvy and knowing your male psychology:thumbsup: ?
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Other than the chase game in dating, I do not know of other games, to be honest, and I would like to know more, but moreover would like to inquire only the first few phases of Catholic dating, of which does not go by any standard of American dating. I think if courtship goes well then you assimilate to each others perks and the people they know. I have had dozens of dates, few of which I accept a second or third date, so I may not be real privvy to some tactics that are used along the way. Does anyone have any other games or horror stories they could share, so I can better watch out for myself?

-Hope:blush:
 
OLHope said:
Other than the chase game in dating, I do not know of other games, to be honest, and I would like to know more, but moreover would like to inquire only the first few phases of Catholic dating, of which does not go by any standard of American dating. I think if courtship goes well then you assimilate to each others perks and the people they know. I have had dozens of dates, few of which I accept a second or third date, so I may not be real privvy to some tactics that are used along the way. **Does anyone have any other games or horror stories they could share, so I can better watch out for myself? **-Hope:blush:
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I second this! I need some wisdom from my ‘older sisters’ on this forum 😃
 
1ke said:
The woman should not make “moves.” All women have to do is show up. If a man is interested, he will make the move.

.
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My mom made the “first move.” Even though my dad’s a pretty manly macho guy, he’s apparently a little shy with women :)Twenty-two years and six children later, I’m sure she’s happy she did.
 
OLHope said:
No, not all men are this confident, I
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Men who are not confident enough to ask a woman out tend to not be confident enough in other areas either.

All of the replies here are based on people’s experience, and in my experience it does not turn out well when a woman pursues a man. And, a man who is not confident is not a man I would want to date.
 
1ke said:
Men who are not confident enough to ask a woman out tend to not be confident enough in other areas either.

All of the replies here are based on people’s experience, and in my experience it does not turn out well when a woman pursues a man. And, a man who is not confident is not a man I would want to date.
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This is a tad harsh, in what you say, I read, a man with no confidence equals a man who should never marry. I think that a couple can complement one another well if being timid and unguided are the only trials. I dated a man who was very self conscious about himself, we hung out for several months, totally platonic, I think he wanted more, but he became more open, started losing a lot of weight, got a new job, he met new people, and at that point, I told him he and name would be a better match, and they started dating, no problem for me, “I just wasn’t into him.” =] I did not care for his personality and he was not Catholic. Sometimes people need a nudge, and it is wrong of ourselves to be Catholic, or Christian for that matter and not help people find the way. I don’t treat people like they are a lost cause, I give them a cause to live up to.

Yes, they are opinions, and yours is by far not more righted than mine. It’s traditionalist, it has a submissive connotation, and that really irks me. Listen to the post before yours, a nice marriage and six happy kids can’t be wrong! No ill will intended.

-Hope
 
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