Who should make the first move?

[chevalier]

See, from ancient Sumer, through Latin and Greek, a long stop in the medievity, as well as a bit of what happened later, then through modern tech up until the imaginary future of Dune and Star Wars, there’s quite a lot that has been “seen” if you’ve read about or dabbled with certain things. And I’m not enumerating them all. We are all unique, but at some point, if you’re interested in too many things and you have lots of synergies between your interests, you just have problems relating to people on deeper levels. On the one hand, the more you know or experience and the broader your outlook, the more data you get and, well, the broader perspective. That surely helps in terms of connecting and probably in terms of “deep” as well. But it generally means there are few people like you and you’re bound to be the outsider in so many ways. And since I don’t really find much reassurance in the hope of relating to someone on just one or two planes, which is tangential compared to the whole of it, the broad scope that could theoretically be possible, that I end up thinking that perhaps I’ll better be single, with my books and my studies and the things that interest me in a less serious way.

 

[chevalier]

Hahaha, this tread is great. Two stories, I don’t know if you would call this the first move or just letting him know you are interested, but my mother was miffed that my dad didn’t turn around and offer her peace during mass, so she “bumped” into him when leaving church. He ended up following her home (i.e. they lived in the same apartment complex). After that I am not sure who asked who out. But it was a pretty amusing story for us 6 kids after 30+ years of marriage.

This is kind of what happened with my husband, We were on a mission trip together.I being a young naive 17 year old girl did not even realize I was giving signals, much less that a boy was interested in me (I was a Tom-boy all the way). On the drive back he asked me to go to a baseball game, which I refused, thinking it would be way to difficult and I didn’t want to pay for it, etc. So then he aske dif he could come over to my house and show me the pictures from the trip, to which i agree. (minimal work on my part, but a new friend in the process). Long story short, I was the first girl he had the courage to ask out, he “thought” I felt the same as he did. (Which is impossible as I was totally oblivious.) So he continued to pursue the relationship, which I attribute only to the grace of God. Almost 6 years later, happily married with a baby on the way, we couldn’t be happier. Pax

Hah, those stories are so warming sometimes. I have some too and it’s surprising how they can come back to memory as if they had happened a couple of years ago, while it’s been half a life or some such.

Hah, how many funny situations occure with people who are oblivious. Sometimes someone’s sending obvious signals and yet is unaware of it (not so rare, actually) and even sometimes unaware of there even being any cause for sending them. People sometimes don’t realise when they are attracted or growing close together with someone. Especially you women are quite cute about it, whereas we guys generally come off as dolts.

 

[Sarabande]

I think it really depends on the person. Although it’s all nice to have the male initiate the move, sometimes I think you might lose out on someone really wonderful and right for you if a female doesn’t initiate it.

My mother made the first move. She’s a very strong and independent personality, having left her entire family and immigrated to the US as a young woman by herself. And for the record, although my father was a shy person when it came to dating, in all other aspects of life he is very confident and extremely intelligent. He was one of these people who needed a little prodding in dating.

Mom was working in a hospital as a nurse when my father, who also worked at the hospital, had to go in for a procedure. One of my mother’s friends who was also a nurse took care of him. This friend really liked my dad and asked my mother to help her. When she introduced my father to my mom, my dad was immediately attracted to her, but my mother had absolutely no interest in him whatsoever. At her friend’s urging, she asked my dad to a birthday party so that this friend and him could get to know each other more. My dad, though, thought that my mom was asking him out, but soon discovered that my mother was trying to play matchmaker. He ended up spending a lot of time with my mother and her friends. Eventually, my mother started to know my father more and began to really like him and so they began “dating”. Although my mother was a fiery and independent person, she was still religious and old-fashioned and always required a chaperone(s) at every date. So, many times, their dates consisted of about 5 to 9 other people who were usually my mother’s nurse friends all from the Philippines (they have the photos to prove it - my dad, a skinny, 6’0 white guy, looked so funny and dorky in a cute way amongst all these beautiful, exotic women) or my Dad’s younger brother and sister. My father was just so enamored by her not just by how gorgeous and adorable she was

After three months of dating, they were engaged and were married about a year later. They have been happily married for 38 years, so even though my mom was the initiator of the relationship, they’ve done something right.

For myself. I knew my husband as a friend initially. He asked me out, I turned him down because I didn’t want to be in a relationship and wanted to be independent and not feel compelled to date just one person at the time. I just wanted to be friends with the opposite sex and hang out with them as friends and that was it. I also thought my plans in life didn’t have time for romance, so although I’m a romantic person, I thought I needed to put all of that on hold for at least 10 years (I was 18 at the time). I was attracted to him, though.

Two years later, we became much closer. I knew in my heart that God was directing him to me. I started to realize that life wasn’t complete without someone like him in my life. I knew because of the sensitive nature of my husband, he would have never asked me out again. I later found out that he actually didn’t think he’d have a shot with me again, so had to content himself with just being friends with me. So, I had to take the bull by the horns and tell him my feelings for him. And I’m so happy I did. Had I not taken control of the situation, we may have never taken our friendship to the next level and may have never married. We’ve been married for 5 1/2 years.

 

[SomeCatholicGuy]

I have a question in particular for all you married people but anyone is welcome to give their personal experience.
I feel that generally relationships work better if the man makes the first move and is generally the one doing the ‘chasing’. Has this been your experience?

For the married people - who made the first move, in your situation? Did you play the traditional gender roles?

Are there any particular pitfalls relating to this that I should avoid, as a woman, when dating? I must admit I tend to agonise over whether someone likes me and this can lead me into possibly making ‘wrong moves’ (I know this may be a silly way to think)!

What are your views on this type of thing?

Personally, I think the guy should always make the first move; however, I’ve been asked out more than I have asked women out, so I may not be the best person to answer this question. Not quite sure why this matters, though, as long as there is mutual interest from both parties.

 

[sanctamaria17]

I’ll admit, I do not like being chased or “pursued”. I am one of those strong, fiery, independent women and I’m not a fan of romantic games. If there’s mutual interest, whomever of the two of us notices first brings it up and then we discuss it. I prefer direct questions and honesty than anything. Asking out doesn’t mean much to me because I ask guys who are just friends out to coffee, dinner, and for formals all the time and it’s strictly platonic. But I have no qualms about women doing the asking.

Asking me out for a cup of coffee or a slice of pizza in friendship is one thing and if he happens to tell me he has feelings for me, we’ll talk about it. But I’d hope he’d ask me out just because he enjoys my company, regardless of whether or not I like him “like that” and not just because he senses a romantic benefit for himself out of it.