Who to Marry?

[chadathin]

Hello CAF,

I feel as though I am between a rock and a hard place right now.

I am currently engaged to a very wonderful young woman (“Jane”) who I have been with for 2 years and 7 months. She is very nice and very supportive and fiercely loyal. A great catch, all around. But she’s fairly lax in her faith (Presbyterian looking to convert to Catholocism) and I’m not so sure how invested she is in regards to helping each other get to Heaven.

Now the main problem: There is another girl (“Marge”) who has been in the back of my mind since I met her 8 years ago. We’re very compatible and get along extremely well. She’s a very devout Catholic. We have many common interests (running, cooking). I sometimes feel like we’re almost the same person. In short, I could easily see myself marrying her as well. We’ve been talking on and off for the entire 8 years, and she shares the same sentiment toward me. We just never got together because either she was with someone while I was single or I was with someone while she was single.

I’ve been thinking about this more and more lately because I am very worried about marrying the wrong person. I am a child of divorce and I have seen what can happen.

Now everything is kind of coming to a head. We have talked, and my fiancee knows I have been emotionally unfaithful to her (I would never do anything physically) but she is still very committed to marrying me (fiercely loyal). And I don’t want to let her or our families down.

Basically, my problem is this: I know two women I feel I could be perfectly happy with. I’m engaged to one, but not 100% sure she’s the one for me. I am about 90% sure God is calling me to the married life, but I have no idea to whom? (The eternal question.)

Any ideas how to discern this? Or perhaps ideas to determine whether or not I’m just romanticizing a life with “Marge”? I have been thinking about and praying about this pretty non-stop for over two months now and I have no idea what to do.

Prayers and advice are both very much appreciated! Thank you, all and God Bless!

 

[Winter_Warlock_1]

Chad,

First my question – how old are you? You may be too young to get married if you are at or below 25 and having such confusion.

My view – postpone the wedding for a several months – maybe even a full year. Work out your feelings; be honest not only with both women but yourself. Remember that if you are strong in your faith you will be with this woman (regardless of which one) for the rest of your life, and if God will’s it - have children with.

So again wait more and sort your feelings.

Best of luck – May God guide and strengthen you.

Winter

 

[Xantippe]

You’re not crazy about your fiancee. She has good paper credentials (except for her faith), but you sound at best lukewarm about her. I think your fiancee deserves to marry somebody who thinks that she is the only woman on earth for him and anybody else would be a very distant second best. You don’t feel that way about your fiancee. Let her go.

I don’t know about the Catholic, but I am pretty sure you shouldn’t be leaping from relationship to relationship with no break. Give yourself a breather if you break up with your fiancee.

Best wishes!

 

[Della]

Never get married from a sense of obligation or because you don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings. Marriage is a life-long commitment. If you aren’t sure, better to call it off now before you are walking down the aisle, dreading taking vows.

I think you need to put everything on hold and not be with either girl for now. Let things cool down. Give yourself some time to think without considering how anyone else will feel about your decision. If you aren’t in love, and aren’t sure, don’t get married no matter who might be pressuring you into it.

In the long run it would be much kinder to “Jane” to break off the engagement than to marry her and have you both end up miserable. And as for “Marge”, if she’s the right one for you, after all this time, she won’t mind waiting a few months, if that’s what it takes for you to sort out your feelings.

All the best to you!

 

[chadathin]

Thank you for the quick replies and great advice!

First my question – how old are you? You may be too young to get married if you are at or below 25 and having such confusion.

Winter

I am 27 all year, which almost makes it more difficult for me because I have always thought I would have been married by now.

but I am pretty sure you shouldn’t be leaping from relationship to relationship with no break.

I agree. I had hoped to, as you say, take some time off and reassess my priorities before jumping into anything.

 

[Catholic1954]

As painful and messy as it will be, call off the engagement to Jane. You are not 100% ready to commit to her right now, and she deserves someone who will be loyal to her. You have unfinished business with Marge; after a suitable amount of time get in touch with her, honestly express your feelings and take from there. Maybe she is not The One either, but you will never be able to have a real relationship with anyone else until your thoughts about her have ended or moved forward.

 

[Della]

Thank you for the quick replies and great advice!

:tiphat:

I am 27 all year, which almost makes it more difficult for me because I have always thought I would have been married by now.

Don’t feel pressured by that, either. I didn’t marry until I was 35 and am I glad I waited for the right guy. We’ve been married 30 years now, which seems like only a few because we are so well suited for each other.

I agree. I had hoped to, as you say, take some time off and reassess my priorities before jumping into anything.

Then do it. I know it takes courage to tell others that you can’t meet their expectations, but better that than you end up regretting getting married to the wrong person, yes?

 

[mcrow]

You should not marry someone you are not sure about.

The fact that this other woman is so strong in your mind should answer part of the question to some effect. You are not sure enough about your fiance to marry her as evident that she is not the only woman in you mind.

I don’t know that you have to call of the engagement but you should certainly push off the date at the very least. Maybe take a break from each other, often being apart will make it more clear how you feel about her.

 

[Irishmom2]

If you are at all thinking about someone else and not the one you are currently with, you need to call off the wedding. Maybe the second one isn’t right for you and it will go nowhere, but the very fact that you are not sure you are even sure, means you shouldn’t marry her.

If you really were supposed to be with the first girl, there wouldn’t be any others.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

Call off the wedding. “Emotionally unfaithful” is not a good way to start a marriage.

I would also ask you to think long and hard about starting a relationship with Marge. She knew that you were engaged but enabled your emotional infidelity. Although she may seem great, a person who enables others in infidelity should be thought long and hard about before trusted.

As for whether or not you a “meant” to be with someone, a big part of marriage is recognizing that you are with who you chose to be with. Just because you make that choice doesn’t mean that there won’t be other women that you could have also had a rich, happy life with.

I love my husband dearly. Anyone who spends any time on these boards knows that I think the absolute world of him and if I did believe in god, I would be on my knees every day in gratitude. He is a far better man than I (or anyone actually) deserve. However, he does have a couple of friends that I also think are wonderful people who I have a lot in common with. If I had met one of them first, who knows what would have happened? But met my husband first and chose to commit myself to him and no longer consider what other men may have to offer. And I’m not the only one. I’m sure that there are a couple of women that he may have been able to settle down with if they had shown any interest before he met me. But it no longer matters.

Before you get into another serious relationship, no matter who it’s with, you need to learn how to distinguish between a real problem and “the grass is greener” syndrome. You also need to be ready to explain to yourself that although another woman may be fantastic, you have already chosen someone else. In short, it is not the fact that you may want to be with someone else that is your failing, it is that you got to the point of being engaged before exploring what those feelings mean. This is horribly cruel to your fiance.

 

[Just_Lurking]

If you are having trouble breaking it off with Jane, you should at least show Jane this thread.

 

[Della]

Chad, be assured we are not trying to tell you, or anyone else, who to marry. We only want to advise you to be cautious and be certain that you marry the person you really want to marry. Marriage can be hard enough without starting out with grave doubts. I’m sure both ladies are lovely people–you have to know who you truly love and wish to spend your live with.

 

[runningdude]

You’re not crazy about your fiancee. She has good paper credentials (except for her faith), but you sound at best lukewarm about her. I think your fiancee deserves to marry somebody who thinks that she is the only woman on earth for him and anybody else would be a very distant second best. You don’t feel that way about your fiancee. Let her go.

Let’s not be unrealistic; no body is perfect, and we know all is a paragraph about the OP’s fiancee…

I don’t know about the Catholic, but I am pretty sure you shouldn’t be leaping from relationship to relationship with no break. Give yourself a breather if you break up with your fiancee.

Best wishes!

However, I do concur, here. OP, don’t break up with your fiancee because you fear there is some one better; (hint, there always will be ). Rather, be fair, and break up with a girl because you don’t want to be with them.

OP, I suspect you may have rushed into an exclusive relationship before you engagement… A few years ago, I became heavily invested in a girl (who barely returned any interest). We dated, exclusively, but I turned down many women I found interesting a priori, leaving me at a social and emotional dead end when things went south.

My opinion is now that exclusivity should be of limited duration; either it leads to engagement, or it should end. Just because you date somebody for a long time doesn’t mean you have to marry them or even continue dating them. Only marriage vows mean you can’t back out! Ending relationships doesn’t get enough respect; ending a relationship should not be seen as failure, but as a necessary step towards a healthy future marriage. Marriage is for a lifetime, and exclusivity outside of marriage detracts from this…

 

[Xantippe]

runningdude said,

“Let’s not be unrealistic; no body is perfect, and we know all is a paragraph about the OP’s fiancee…”

I’m not talking about being perfect, I’m talking about how he feels about the two women.

If the OP had to choose one woman to spend the rest of his life on a desert island with, do we think he’d choose his fiancee?

 

[chadathin]

Della:

I’m sure both ladies are lovely people–you have to know who you truly love and wish to spend your live with.

Della…you’re awesome. You’re realistic and inspiring.

runningdude:

ending a relationship should not be seen as failure, but as a necessary step towards a healthy future marriage.

runningdude, your words of wisdom weigh very heavily. 1) Because they’re good. 2) Because I like to run, too.

 

[Ridgerunner]

There were several young women whom I considered for marriage. I didn’t tell them that, but I did consider them. There was, however, something always that discomfited me. Two women actually asked me to marry THEM. One seemed preposterous, the other not really, but there was another thing that seemed to me to be in the way. Basically, though she was beautiful, smart and engaging, and seemingly quite devoted, I somehow lacked confidence in her.

When my wife and I met, we didn’t like each other. We fought, in fact, the very first time we met, and immediately. But we then entered into a truce; a truce that then (surprisingly) developed into our mutual agreement that each would be the other’s “confidant”. And we kept that agreement. I don’t know how we came to that understanding and relationship, but despite our really severe fight shortly before, it seemed the most natural thing in the world. It was a relationship that I had never had with a woman before and one she had never had before either.

We both dated other people after that, but it was always really unsatisfactory, far more unsatisfactory than our previous relationships had been. Ultimately, after several months of being “confidante and confidante”, we admitted the inescapable; that we loved each other. I asked her to marry me, of course, not the other way around, but we knew a long time before that that we would get married. She even picked out her engagement ring with me beforehand, it was so obvious. There was no “aha” moment. Not even a decision, really. We just knew.

I’m not saying every marriage should begin that way or develop that way, but I think my wife and I, without really realizing it, recognized what was really the heart of a truly loving relationship; absolute and total confidence. I guess perhaps we loved each other before we knew we did. But I guess after the fight, and perhaps somewhat because of it, we knew each other a lot better than we thought we did.

And so, I have to ask. Who is the confidante here? Is there one?

 

[FriendlyFace]

Any ideas how to discern this? Or perhaps ideas to determine whether or not I’m just romanticizing a life with “Marge”? I have been thinking about and praying about this pretty non-stop for over two months now and I have no idea what to do.

Prayers and advice are both very much appreciated! Thank you, all and God Bless!

This book really helped me to understand how to discern who to marry: The Exclamation: The Wise Choice of a Spouse for Catholic Marriage by Patricia Wrona.

It really helped me to understand what you should look for in a spouse and how to tell if you should or shouldn’t marry someone. I’d recommend you read it before making any definite decisions either way.

 

[Mrs_Sally]

This is excellent. I agree with everyone that you are not ready to marry either woman right not. But I do want to emphasize the point that love is an act of will. As St Thomas More said “Because I love you, you are my wife. Because you are my wife, I love you.”

The idea of only one “soulmate” out there for each of us, is not really a Christian thought. You need to be clear about who you want to marry, without thoughts of another woman interferring. But realistically, you might be happy with either woman - but only as long as you are fully committed to her and chose to be with her exclusively (emotionally and physically).

Tell Jane you are not ready. Free her to do as she chooses - wait for you or not. Do not immediately start dating Marge though. I recommend you spend time without dating anyone. Take your concerns to adoration on a regular basis and work things ot with the Lord before you move forward.

Call off the wedding. “Emotionally unfaithful” is not a good way to start a marriage.

I would also ask you to think long and hard about starting a relationship with Marge. She knew that you were engaged but enabled your emotional infidelity. Although she may seem great, a person who enables others in infidelity should be thought long and hard about before trusted.

As for whether or not you a “meant” to be with someone, a big part of marriage is recognizing that you are with who you chose to be with. Just because you make that choice doesn’t mean that there won’t be other women that you could have also had a rich, happy life with.

I love my husband dearly. Anyone who spends any time on these boards knows that I think the absolute world of him and if I did believe in god, I would be on my knees every day in gratitude. He is a far better man than I (or anyone actually) deserve. However, he does have a couple of friends that I also think are wonderful people who I have a lot in common with. If I had met one of them first, who knows what would have happened? But met my husband first and chose to commit myself to him and no longer consider what other men may have to offer. And I’m not the only one. I’m sure that there are a couple of women that he may have been able to settle down with if they had shown any interest before he met me. But it no longer matters.

Before you get into another serious relationship, no matter who it’s with, you need to learn how to distinguish between a real problem and “the grass is greener” syndrome. You also need to be ready to explain to yourself that although another woman may be fantastic, you have already chosen someone else. In short, it is not the fact that you may want to be with someone else that is your failing, it is that you got to the point of being engaged before exploring what those feelings mean. This is horribly cruel to your fiance.

 

[bernadettefaith]

This is excellent. I agree with everyone that you are not ready to marry either woman right not. But I do want to emphasize the point that love is an act of will. As St Thomas More said “Because I love you, you are my wife. Because you are my wife, I love you.”

The idea of only one “soulmate” out there for each of us, is not really a Christian thought. You need to be clear about who you want to marry, without thoughts of another woman interferring. But realistically, you might be happy with either woman - but only as long as you are fully committed to her and chose to be with her exclusively (emotionally and physically).

Tell Jane you are not ready. Free her to do as she chooses - wait for you or not. Do not immediately start dating Marge though. I recommend you spend time without dating anyone. Take your concerns to adoration on a regular basis and work things ot with the Lord before you move forward.

Very good advice. The soul mate idea is totally false and it’s possible that there are many women with whom you could spend your life and be happy.

I’d also be a little suspicious of Marge chatting with you while you’re engaged to someone else. It may be completely innocent but I don’t know how I’d feel about someone who comes into the picture while you’re in a committed relationship.

 

[Xantippe]

Bernadettefaith said:

“I’d also be a little suspicious of Marge chatting with you while you’re engaged to someone else. It may be completely innocent but I don’t know how I’d feel about someone who comes into the picture while you’re in a committed relationship.”

Yeah.

There’s a category of people who are most interested in dating/mooning over people who are attached.