Why am I still single at 31?

[Magickman]

People who are involuntary, long term singles, often are defined by what they are not. They are not sexually active, not partiers, not drinkers, not daters, not socially active, and not meeting other people.

I think it is all right to be single. But if that isn’t what you want, then figure out how to change things.

Waiting, by the way, is not a means of changing your life. Change is an active endeavor. It requires participation, and effort.

For any of you who are still single, and not happy about it, then get busy with changing things, because you are personally responsible for your own life.

 

[Onedayatatime]

So much good advice. Here are a couple of other ideas.

• Add humor and stir gently … to your life
• Join Toastmasters
• Join a youth related ministry (you’re already a DJ)
• See if you can find a Cursillo group in your parish
• Volunteer your vacation time for a Catholic Charity overseas

 

[Onedayatatime]

Your letter could have been written by my husband before we met. I was a blind date of his best friend. The friend and I didn’t hit it off, but he and I did. He was 29 and I was 33. He had been on one date in his life. He called to ask me out and I knew. I KNEW that if I went out with him that we would get married. Not that I would trap him into marriage, but that it would just happen. Turned out that he was afraid to call me because he KNEW that if he did that we would get married. We dated for two weeks then got engaged. We were married three months later and have now been married for 21 years. Neither one of us, at our ages, expected to find someone who had not been married before. It was all in God’s timing. Don’t despair.

Similar story here on the SPEED MARRIAGE front.

Met wife in August 1979 (she was 19 I was 23) while on overseas trip in South Africa. Visited her at her parents home for 7 days. She traveled to UK (where I was living at the time) to visit for Xmas. Stayed with my folks for 2 weeks. Engaged on New Years Eve. Married on April 12, 1980 Constantia, Cape Town, South Africa.

We totalled it up and had been in each other’s presence 20 days before engagement, 25 days before marriage. We will be celebrating 30 years together and 4 kids on the 12 April this year!

When God decides to put two people that are destined to spend their lives together, watch out. Things will happen FAST

 

[crazydyl]

Well, nobody is going to be interested in you with this kind of attitude!
You need to be happy being single and then maybe something will come out of friendships with women
One woman since 2000 AD? If nobody likes you then nobody likes you, is there any point in moaning about it? Maybe you will find someone and maybe you will not, but one thing is for sure and that is your negativity and sulking needs to be sorted
What else do you do apart from sulking about women? You need to do other stuff so that you have things to talk about with them and not just have dating as your whole life

Is it your fault that nobody likes you? If this is the case then sort yourself out… If they don’t like you because they are idiots then it is not your fault and don’t let it get you down. Just be a good person and happy in yourself - that is all you can do

 

[amdannemiller]

I know that you are not the only one in this situation. I have a friend who is in his 30’s and who is in your EXACT situation. I personally could end up in your situation…I will be 19 this year, and I have NEVER been on a date…I’ve been asked a few times, but I didn’t think that they were the right person. I hope to someday be married and to have children to love and to care for, but maybe God does not want that for me.

Don’t give up…have faith in God. He will lead you where he wants you, and whereever it is, you WILL like it!

 

[srlucado]

As someone who didn’t marry till just a few days before his 39th birthday, let me tell you that it takes a real shift of attitude.

I spent a lot of years having fun; I wasn’t ready to settle down, and I knew it. By the time I was ready to get serious, most of the “good ones” were taken or weren’t interested in a seemingly inveterate bachelor.

However, I decided that getting married would involve changing a lot of things. Inwardly, I had to think about making someone else happy, not being someone’s difficult boyfriend. Outwardly, I bought a “married person’s” car–a sensible, four-door sedan; I started selling Pampered Chef (don’t laugh–it is the absolute best way for a guy to meet women and get paid in the process); I made it known that I was in the market for something permanent.

Just a few months later I was engaged, and married a little later. (Not to someone I met via Pampered Chef…but I do have plenty of nice kitchen gadgets.)

My 13th wedding anniversary is just a few days away, and we couldn’t be happier together.

Hang in there!

 

[Maria1212]

OP, 31 is not old today. My youngest son will be 37 next Monday. He does not drink alcohol (well, except for an occasional Bailey’s Irish Cream!) or do drugs. Never has.

He had a girl friend for a few months in his early twenties, but it didn’t last. When he was 27 he entered the seminary, where he was for 5 years. He left in 2005 and returned to work, still without any girl friend.

In late 2008, being interested in photography, he started going to photography classes. He met a number of people, male and female, at these classes. Some of them continued on, him included, in an advanced course. By this time, one of the women he met in the first class was his girlfriend…

He is now engaged to be married.

My oldest sister was 42 when she married. She was 38 when she met the man who became her husband.

You never know when or where you will meet your life mate.

This fills me with hope because I am 34 and am still searching.

Sincerely,

Maria1212

 

[Kimothy80]

I’m glad I’m not the only “singleton” out there. I’m a 30 year old female and still looking for my Mr. Right. I recently joined my town’s Young Adult group and enjoyed myself at their Theology on Tap last week and am looking forward to their next social get-together (April 10th).

My suggestion would be to join either a church group or volunteer group and meet people. Believe me, it IS hard getting started talking to people but once you do start to ease up a bit in the nerves department. Good luck!

 

[Maria1212]

I’m glad I’m not the only “singleton” out there. I’m a 30 year old female and still looking for my Mr. Right. I recently joined my town’s Young Adult group and enjoyed myself at their Theology on Tap last week and am looking forward to their next social get-together (April 10th).

My suggestion would be to join either a church group or volunteer group and meet people. Believe me, it IS hard getting started talking to people but once you do start to ease up a bit in the nerves department. Good luck!

Theology on Tap is a great way to meet people. I also recommend volunteering and doing random acts of kindness. It might not help you meet your spouse but it will help you meet lots of wonderful people.

I feel called to marriage and am tired of dating Mr. Not Right. I am single after a long relationship but am ready to start dating when I meet the right person. In the interim, I feel blessed that my free time is my own. When I get down, I try to ask myself “What have I done today to serve God?” It might sound funny but it is a reminder that the world does not revolve around me and that my lonliness is small compared to a lot of things. I have a lot of people who love me and that is a huge blessing.

I hope to get married one day, but if I don`t, I will still have a fulfilling life. I have lived overseas numerous time, climbed a ton of mountains, learned to kayak, got my dream job not once but twice… These are all things I might not have been able to do if I was already married.

That being said, us single people have to support each other! We should all start a novena together. Maybe there is power in numbers!!

Sincerely,

Maria1212

 

[DL82]

When I get down, I try to ask myself “What have I done today to serve God?”

I think if I did that I’d still feel down, and feel guilty on top of that!

That was just what I needed, Maria, I’ll get me to praying and ‘random acts of kindness’.
:hug3:

 

[Maria1212]

I think if I did that I’d still feel down, and feel guilty on top of that!

That was just what I needed, Maria, I’ll get me to praying and ‘random acts of kindness’.
:hug3:

Whenever I ask myself that question, often I realize I haven`t done anything so better get to it! It puts things in perspective. Sometimes I think coming here to CAF and praying for the intentions of others is the most spiritual thing I do all day.

Sincerely,

Maria1212

 

[Bataar]

Whew, I’m glad I’m not the only one. I’m also 31, single and have not had any kind of relationship. It’s not something I’m really pining after at this point. It just seems like it’s one of those things you only read about or see on TV or something.

 

[Galnextdoor]

Two years ago my nephew, who was 32, sounded just like you. I asked him if there were any women at his church. He said there were a few female friends in the Young Adult group at church. I asked him if any of them seem to be on all the committees he was on. He said yes there were two. I told him to ask them out. I told him I thought they would say yes. I didn’t mean both of them at the same time. lol He asked them both out for the same evening. He went out with one to dinner then took her home. Then he went and picked up the other one and took her to a Halloween party. He couldn’t understand why they were both mad at him when they found out. I didn’t realize that he would literally do what I said. I asked why he asked of them both out for the same evening. He said he didn’t think they would both say yes. The one wouldn’t speak to him again. The other forgave him. The one who forgave him is perfect for him. They have been engaged for 10 months now. They are getting married in a few weeks.
BTW She is a few years older than he is and drop dead gorgeous.

Be patient. God has a plan for you.

 

[Irish_Girl_68]

Allow me to give you some hope…my husband and I married (first marriage for both) 15 years ago. Like you, he despaired of meeting someone with whom he could spend his life. He was 40 when we met and nearly 41 when we wed (we wanted kids right away so we didn’t waste time in getting engaged). We now have two beautiful children and are very happy. I will tell you, I spent a lot of time in prayer to our Blessed Mother asking for a good spouse. She didn’t disappoint in leading me to a wonderful man. Good luck and I’ll be praying for you

 

[PatriceA]

I don’t know why you are single and 31. BUT I do offer a story of hope. My husband’s best friend will turn 40 this year, had a hard time dating most of his life, for whatever reason. Met a really, really great girl about a year ago and he is planning on proposing within the next couple of months. And I do think it took this long for him to meet the girl that completes him. I can’t picture him with anyone else, they just fit.

Don’t give up hope. Don’t give into society’s expectations, because really that is what is bringing you down. Society says if you don’t marry by a certain age, then there is something wrong with you. God has perfect timing. I think your desire to be married shows that is your vocation, it will then happen when God has prepared the perfect partner for you.

 

[Divine_Muse]

I love the hopeful stories.

However, for the poster and anyone else in this situation, let me share this story. After a long absence from the social scene (due to several reasons-relocation, health, shyness, etc, etc.) I put myself out there and started meeting new people.

Aside from the horrible dating stories, there are two men that stick out, because of something they did. One is a friend and the other was a man who was interested in me.

I think sometimes single guys (and girls) are so desperate/longing/adjective of your choice, to find their mate, they don’t pick up on the cues they send.

Guy A, we’ll call him Marley, met me at a party. We talked about meeting up again, but I ended up getting sick and explained to him I’d have to cancel beforehand. It wasn’t meant to be a date just a friendly dinner with friends. A few weeks later he sent me an angry email asking me, “Are you EVEN GONNA GO OUT AGAIN?” The email was rude and condescending. He’s just so pushy that his behavior turned me off.

Guy B is just a friend. (Call him Earl.) We are in no ways compatible. However, what I learned about him is that sometimes the reason nice guys finish last is because of the way they present themselves. Earl’s constantly berating himself, saying he’s a “nerd or loser.” He constantly talks about how single he is and how he hasn’t found a girlfriend in FOREVER. All he finds are the wrong kind of girls. It goes on and on.

It simply isn’t attractive and it made me more conscious of the way I present myself to others, especially men. I’m not close enough friends with Earl yet, to say, “Hey, you’re killing your own chances, by the things you do and say.”

I’m sure Earl could make someone happy, but if he keeps going at that rate, he’ll be single forever. It really is true. You have to be happy with yourself. That attracts people. Because if you don’t, you’ll end up settling for anyone or stay single for a long long time.

Best of luck to singles everywhere!

 

[PDach31]

Wow…thanks all for the replies.

This got to be quite a long thread. I haven’t had much time to get on line, and I apologize for taking so long to get back here.

The advice many have given is to get out and join certain groups, church groups, etc… I like the idea, and I am willing to give it another shot.

I had joined several church groups for singles back in 2001. What I found, was (at the time I was 22) and everyone in these groups were in their 40’s and 50’s. I went to these groups fully expecting that there was going to be a whole bunch of other 20 something year olds just like me hoping to find the right one. I learned early on that that wasn’t going to happen, so I left the groups all together, and have never really had the motivation to try anything like that again, because I fear I will get the same results.

I have joined a singles meetup on meetup.com, and have gone to a few of the events, all of which pretty much have the same results. There are girls in their 20’s there but I was instantly turned off by them the night I met up with them and the first thing they did when we got inside was order a beer, and started acting like typical 20 something year olds. The rest of the bunch were 40+.

I just get so discouraged when I join these groups and have no results.I am also very resentful. The reason I am so resentful, is because I feel at this age, I should not still be “looking” for my future partner. I feel I should have met my parnter back when I was in my early 20’s, and we should be 6 or 7 years into marriage by now and have 2 or 3 kids.

So many times I hear people say “oh, you need to get out and enjoy life when you can,” and all that other stuff. The thing is, I don’t WANT to go out and be wild and everything like that, and truthfully, not having someone to go out and share your life with gets old. I do go out with my guy friends and such, but at this age, all that should be over. I should be home raising my family, or taking THEM out doing stuff.

The other thing I’m seeing is people telling me it’s unattractive to a girl when a guy has an attitude like mine. My question is…WHY? Is there not any girl out there who is in the exact same position as I am? Feeling the same way, and feeling hopeless because they don’t have a partner?

Another thing people in real life tell me is that I need to lose weight…and I do. I weigh 375 pounds. And most women find that very unattractive, especially because it’s how I got this big. I have gotten this big from being depressed and lonely and sitting around doing nothing and eating nothing but fast food and junk.

Here’s the thing: If I had met someone years ago and had the life I wanted to have…I WOULD NOT look like this. I would have a reason to do things because I’d have a family to do these things with. I love to cook…but i have no motivation to. When I get home from work and have no one to come home to and talk about my day, and nothing going on but going on line or watching TV…I have no motivation.

I have been on weight watchers and programs like that and i must say…when i stick to them they work great. I lost 25 pounds in a month when i stuck to the program.

But right now the way i feel about tings, it’s like…I have no reason to go out and walk, eat right, ETC, because honestly, I have nothing to live for. If I’m still single and alone in 5 years from now…than honestly, I don’t want to live, so i could care less if I fall off the earth due to a heart attack from not eating right.

I hear stories all the time of people not getting married till their late 30’s, early 40’s, ETC…if I end up like that…I don’t want to live. simple as that.

As I said before, seeing everyone else go off and grow up and get married and live their happy little lives is not an easy pill to swallow when I’m in this position.

And as I said before…I have stayed a virgin all this time because I wanted my first time to be with that special someone, and have it happen out of love. How many other people do you know who are my age and have never had sex? It’s hard to find a girl my age that doesn’t have kids let alone being a virgin…so if I’m not meant to be married for another 5 or 10 years, then maybe I should just go out and start having fun. Because frankly…I’m not staying a virgin much longer, even if it means just going out and picking up some drunk girl at a bar. Anyone who is my age and still a virgin knows where I am coming from…especially when your nephews and nieces who you’ve known from the time they were infants, and all their friends are all out losing their virginity one by one.

I moved to where I live now 10 years ago, and I moved her to get closer to my 2 sisters that live here. I moved here not only to be closer to them and the kids and be a part of their lives, but also because I thought that I would meet someone a lot sooner and we would have kids, and the kids would be close in age to their cousins and could all grow up together. I see my sisters raising their kids together, and it’s like…Why can’t I have kids and raise them together with the 2 of them?

Now, my nephews and nieces are all growing up, and if I ever do have kids, they are going to be so much older than them. They are going to be off at college or living their lives (probably getting married), and they aren’t going to care less about my kids. When they were little, I pictured them holding my babies and adoring them, playing with them as they got older, and growing up together.

I just don’t understand why there is no one out there that feels the same way I do about this.

 

[Divine_Muse]

I had joined several church groups for singles back in 2001. What I found, was (at the time I was 22) and everyone in these groups were in their 40’s and 50’s.

Join Young Adult groups in your area instead.

I have joined a singles meetup on meetup.com, and have gone to a few of the events, all of which pretty much have the same results.

Being single in your 30s isn’t the end of the world. I can tell you from experience Meetup.com is more of a socializing website than a platform to find a date. Many singles groups exist, but for the most part the emphasis is on the social aspect. That doesn’t make them bad, just their focus is on having fun, not on finding a life partner.

So many times I hear people say “oh, you need to get out and enjoy life when you can,” and all that other stuff. The thing is, I don’t WANT to go out and be wild and everything like that.

Why does going out and enjoying life have to equal being wild. I go out and enjoy life, but I’m not getting drunk in bars and sleeping around. You’re really missing the point of their advice.

The other thing I’m seeing is people telling me it’s unattractive to a girl when a guy has an attitude like mine. My question is…WHY?

Yes, they are, but they know that if they constantly bemoan their single status they will appear desperate, hence lessening their chances of finding someone.

Another thing people in real life tell me is that I need to lose weight…and I do. I weigh 375 pounds. And most women find that very unattractive, especially because it’s how I got this big. Here’s the thing: If I had met someone years ago and had the life I wanted to have…I WOULD NOT look like this.

That is NOT TRUE. First of all being in a relationship will not make you skinny. I was in a very unhappy relationship from 2005-2008 and I gained so much weight. The fact is I learned that my weight issues stemmed from the emotional stress that I was enduring. You are in emotional distress, and that is why you are gaining weight.

If I’m still single and alone in 5 years from now…than honestly, I don’t want to live. I hear stories all the time of people not getting married till their late 30’s, early 40’s, ETC…if I end up like that…I don’t want to live. simple as that.

That’s your issue right there. You don’t want to live, because life didn’t go according to your relationship plan. Someone needs to be straight with you. At this rate you will never find someone, because the issue is YOU. You are unhappy. You have somehow convinced yourself you will only be happy if you are in a relationship. It’s selfish to say you’ll kill yourself because you are single at 35. Perhaps God simply cannot place the right woman in your path until you learn to deal with the demons/personal struggles that you are facing.

I could never date someone whose entire happiness revolved around me. That simply is not healthy.

And as I said before…I have stayed a virgin all this time because I wanted my first time to be with that special someone, and have it happen out of love. Because frankly…I’m not staying a virgin much longer, even if it means just going out and picking up some drunk girl at a bar.

You are being selfish. You want things now. Love does not work like that. You can only find it when you are at peace at yourself. You obviously are not, if you are willing to throw your values away. That to me says, you’re only staying a virgin, because you want to be in a relationship, not because it’s something you find to be important. Someone who is chaste does so because they know that sex is most precious inside marriage. To throw it away, because you don’t have a girlfriend suggests that your virginity status is based solely on your attainment of a woman.

Continued in Part 2

 

[Divine_Muse]

Part 2

I moved to where I live now 10 years ago, and I moved her to get closer to my 2 sisters that live here. I thought that I would meet someone a lot sooner and we would have kids, and the kids would be close in age to their cousins and could all grow up together. I see my sisters raising their kids together, and it’s like…Why can’t I have kids and raise them together with the 2 of them?

Why can’t you raise your future kids along side them when there’s an age difference. That’s a bit illogical. So they won’t be playmates, but they’ll be family.

Now, my nephews and nieces are all growing up, and if I ever do have kids, they are going to be so much older than them. They are going to be off at college or living their lives (probably getting married), and they aren’t going to care less about my kids.

Again, it seems to me you aren’t interested in the familial aspect of cousins growing up together since you automatically assume they will have little interest in your family. You’re more interested in the image and what you thought was right.

Forgive me for being harsh, but you’ve said in so many words that if you don’t have a family on your time than life isn’t worth living and everyone will lose interest in your future family-including your current nephews and nieces.

God will give you a spouse when you are physically, mentally, spiritually, and emotionally ready for one. The fact that you don’t want to live because you’ll be 35 and single only proves that you are not emotionally or mentally ready to be a spouse. A spouse is strong, resilient, and feels gratitude for what he has.

A spouse does not complain because he found their wife at 21, 31, or 41. It will be hard for you to find what you seek, when really you seem to not be happy with yourself.

My advice?

1. See a counselor or talk to your priest for a recommendation.
2. Begin to eat healthier and exercise 30 minutes a day. You are doing this for yourself, because you know being obese will lead to health problems and losing weight will give you a better body image and self esteem, which I suspect you need.
3. Go out and socialize. No, that does not mean party and get drunk. It means you volunteer, go to the museum, join the young adult group with the intention to make friends.
4. You need to find peace within yourself and learn your value aside from being a spouse.

Imagine, by your description you’re saying that anyone who is 30 and single should give up. You don’t know why you’re still single. (Though I do think it’s because you heavily place your happiness and self worth on this future girl.) You let your single status consume you and you have taken the single status to the extreme.

I don’t think with all you’ve written that it is appropriate for someone to tell you that you will find the right girl in time. With those thoughts and feelings, I have to say you won’t if you don’t seek help.

You could even find someone being obese. I’ve seen it happen.

But as long as you entertain the thought that life at 30 is not worth living if you’re single than you are far from ready to enter a relationship of any sort.

I hope you focus on you and your relationship with God. Because it seems to me you desperately need it.

 

[CountrySinger]

I know how you feel. I’m 28, and all I want is to be married. To have a life partner. :hug: I try to stay busy, and I found something that helps mood and weight loss (I need help with both): working out. It does work, I lost 20 pounds in three weeks.
I do have faith that there is someone for me and he will be better than Elliott Yamin, Brad Paisley, and my first high school crush all put together. If not, I joke that I will marry my best male gay friend and start a traveling sideshow ragtime band. And have 300 cats, and sit a front porch with a shotgun yelling “GET OFF MY LAWN MEN!”.

Are you laughing yet?
I hope so. Because laughing helps me get through the dating trenches. Trying to stay positive helps. I smile when I don’t feel like it. And when people say that I’m positive, I want to burst out laughing. Not that I’m an expert by any means. I’ve had my share of great relationships, and some that ended with me walking in him in a compromising position.

Keep the faith up (easier said than done, I know.)