Why am I still single at 31?

[Norseman82]

You are being selfish. You want things now. Love does not work like that. You can only find it when you are at peace at yourself. You obviously are not, if you are willing to throw your values away. That to me says, you’re only staying a virgin, because you want to be in a relationship, not because it’s something you find to be important. Someone who is chaste does so because they know that sex is most precious inside marriage. To throw it away, because you don’t have a girlfriend suggests that your virginity status is based solely on your attainment of a woman.

Continued in Part 2

I don’t think it’s selfishness as much as he’s starting to crack or is at risk of cracking under the pressure.

 

[nana3]

Wow…thanks all for the replies.
Another thing people in real life tell me is that I need to lose weight…and I do. I weigh 375 pounds. And most women find that very unattractive, especially because it’s how I got this big. I have gotten this big from being depressed and lonely and sitting around doing nothing and eating nothing but fast food and junk.

I can understand some of what you are saying. I have a niece who is 23 years old and obese. She is a virgin and will stay one until marriage, but tells me that she desires the love of a man. She knows that she will never get that because she is obese and men don’t find her attractive. This is how she feels and what she tells me. She has a heart of gold but needs to grow spiritually and has many emotional problems. She is an emotional eater and that is how she became obese. She won’t even try Weight Watchers, but has tried other programs and lost weight but gained it back and more. A lot of how you feel, she feels, but she has never expressed suicide. She is unfortunately on antidepressants. She is so young to have so many issues. Obesity runs on her father side. She has an very difficult and controling mother, my sister. My sister has her own mental problems and that is why my niece overeats. I have begged her to move out and go away to college and live her life. Unfortunately, she wants to experience the bar scene, but really she is a homebody. She mostly talks to men on the internet and they love her when they talk to her, but when they see a picture of her are turned off. It is quite sad. So I do understand what you are going through for my niece and Godchild is going through the same. She feels she will never get married and she wants to, but she is focusing on getting her career and earning a living. I think that is a good start. She wants to go out and meet people and that is what you need to do. She is not afraid of what people will say even though sometimes they hurt her feelings. She gets frustrated at times when she goes out, but she goes out. For example, she has a college ball at church to go to next weekend and they have to wear a nice formal “Cinderella” type dress and she can’t seem to find one in her size. She is so frustrated because she is huge but she has not given up and keeps looking around for she wants to go to this dance. That is the attitude you need to have. Go out and have fun and I agree with what some say, going out does not equal getting drunk. My niece doesn’t drink and she has fun.

I will pray for you and if you can pray for my niece. I think you can understand what she is going through too. Thanks and God Bless. Let Go and Trust God and don’t worry so much about finding the right woman. I didn’t get married until the age of 33 and I was a virgin and I married a virgin.

 

[Kindness]

It is always unhealthy to think that someone else is going to solve all our problems and give us the motivation to fulfill all our hopes and dreams. That person does not exist and you are setting yourself (and any potential partner) up for a lot of pain and disappointment.

Life also does not happen on a schedule and there are no guarantees. Two mothers I know, one aged 41 and the other 38 died of cancer this year leaving young children and widowed husbands. Both were the most vibrant, joyful women who ate well and exercised. In my own life my mom died when I was 13 and she was 42. I ended up in foster care and was eventually allowed to live independently at 16 because my dad was too ill to care for me and my brother. We all have struggles, some worse than others but we can’t think because of that we are entitled. That sounds more like the concept of Karma which is Hindu or Buddist but not Christian. I also struggled to grow and grow-up, it is part of normal human experience.

The problems you are suffering from are emotional and you need to find help and support to be able to build a life for yourself. At the moment you have no hope and that is not of God. You sound very angry and full of blame with the assumption that you are entitled to find someone “because you did everything right”, for example chose to be chaste. You should be making these choices out of love not because you think there is a Catholic scoreboard somewhere. I would really recommend you see a professional, well-qualified Catholic counselor. I did the same and at one point took anti-depressants which helped me to overcome some emotional hurdles that were holding me back. There is no shame in struggle because it’s part of the human condition, but we can’t stay at home blaming the world. If you are thinking seriously suicidal thoughts then your depression is acute and you are in fact ill with clinical depression www.webmd.com/depression/guide/detecting-depression . You need help. No one is going to come and rescue you in the form of the perfect partner, you have to do the hard work yourself.

I am happily married but still struggle at times emotionally and I don’t expect my husband to fix me. I find the resources that help me: faith, friends, exercise and if necessary counseling and medication. I would encourage you to face reality and not live in your fantasies of what “could” or “should” be.

This may sound hard and unfeeling but I believe that if you get help your life can improve drastically and we will all be here to encourage you on that journey. God bless you and keep you.

 

[Jay82]

I had joined several church groups for singles back in 2001. What I found, was (at the time I was 22) and everyone in these groups were in their 40’s and 50’s. I went to these groups fully expecting that there was going to be a whole bunch of other 20 something year olds just like me hoping to find the right one. I learned early on that that wasn’t going to happen, so I left the groups all together, and have never really had the motivation to try anything like that again, because I fear I will get the same results…

Don’t restrict yourself to church groups. Join all sorts of activities that interest you.

I just get so discouraged when I join these groups and have no results.I am also very resentful. The reason I am so resentful, is because I feel at this age, I should not still be “looking” for my future partner. I feel I should have met my parnter back when I was in my early 20’s, and we should be 6 or 7 years into marriage by now and have 2 or 3 kids.
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Life doesn’t follow a template. It isn’t ‘paint by numbers’. If you start a family at 25, 35, etc it doesn’t matter…what matters is how you good of a spouse/person you are and how well you raise your kids. Think back to when you were 22ish…were you truly ready then? Are you even ready now?

So many times I hear people say “oh, you need to get out and enjoy life when you can,” and all that other stuff. The thing is, I don’t WANT to go out and be wild and everything like that, and truthfully, not having someone to go out and share your life with gets old. I do go out with my guy friends and such, but at this age, all that should be over. I should be home raising my family, or taking THEM out doing stuff.

I don’t think you understand what enjoying life really is or what people mean by that statement. They are not saying to go out and party and get drunk. They are saying go out and enjoy doing things you like doing. Like traveling, social groups, sports, volunteer work, clubs, etc. Going out with and maintaining guy friends (or female friends for women) should never be over. You need a support group of friends. While your family is always priority #1, eliminating friends and such is toxic to ones well being. Be grateful you have friends and spend time with them when you can.

The other thing I’m seeing is people telling me it’s unattractive to a girl when a guy has an attitude like mine. My question is…WHY? Is there not any girl out there who is in the exact same position as I am? Feeling the same way, and feeling hopeless because they don’t have a partner?

It is and yes, there are girls out there who feel like you do. I would imagine that you may not even be interested in them. If a guy is so upset about not having a spouse and cannot deal with it then how would she expect him to deal with any obstacles with raising a family. If you cannot take care of yourself and keep yourself in a good mental state, how can you take care of others?

Another thing people in real life tell me is that I need to lose weight…and I do. I weigh 375 pounds. And most women find that very unattractive, especially because it’s how I got this big. I have gotten this big from being depressed and lonely and sitting around doing nothing and eating nothing but fast food and junk.

Here’s the thing: If I had met someone years ago and had the life I wanted to have…I WOULD NOT look like this. I would have a reason to do things because I’d have a family to do these things with. I love to cook…but i have no motivation to. When I get home from work and have no one to come home to and talk about my day, and nothing going on but going on line or watching TV…I have no motivation.
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This is not true. You would weigh what you weigh now (or close to it) if you had a spouse. You are expecting someone else to ‘fix’ you, which isn’t the case. You and you alone are the reason for your current state. You won’t lose much weight or change your ways until you realize you are the only one accountable.

I hear stories all the time of people not getting married till their late 30’s, early 40’s, ETC…if I end up like that…I don’t want to live. simple as that.

Statements like that are a huge red flag you are not ready to raise a family.

And as I said before…I have stayed a virgin all this time because I wanted my first time to be with that special someone, and have it happen out of love. How many other people do you know who are my age and have never had sex? .

Me. I’m about 3 years younger and being single now, means I won’t be married at 31, so I’ll be in your situation at your age. I’ll wait as long as it takes.

I just don’t understand why there is no one out there that feels the same way I do about this.

Plenty of people do, they are just not letting it control their life like you are letting it.

I highly recommend you start going to counseling. Your attitudes towards not wanting to live is very alarming.

Work on getting healthy. Start immediately and don’t stop. Change your life, you are young, there is plenty of time to get yourself into a state where you will be a desirable spouse.

Change your weight and attitude and the results will happen, its definitely not an overnight process. It may take 2 years, but it will be more than worth it.

I wish you the best.

 

[Galnextdoor]

Wow…thanks all for the replies.

This got to be quite a long thread. I haven’t had much time to get on line, and I apologize for taking so long to get back here.

The advice many have given is to get out and join certain groups, church groups, etc… I like the idea, and I am willing to give it another shot. …

I just get so discouraged when I join these groups and have no results.I am also very resentful. The reason I am so resentful, is because I feel at this age, I should not still be “looking” for my future partner. I feel I should have met my parnter back when I was in my early 20’s, and we should be 6 or 7 years into marriage by now and have 2 or 3 kids.

So many times I hear people say “oh, you need to get out and enjoy life when you can,” and all that other stuff. The thing is, I don’t WANT to go out and be wild and everything like that, and truthfully, not having someone to go out and share your life with gets old. I do go out with my guy friends and such, but at this age, all that should be over. I should be home raising my family, or taking THEM out doing stuff.

The other thing I’m seeing is people telling me it’s unattractive to a girl when a guy has an attitude like mine. My question is…WHY? Is there not any girl out there who is in the exact same position as I am? Feeling the same way, and feeling hopeless because they don’t have a partner?

Another thing people in real life tell me is that I need to lose weight…and I do. I weigh 375 pounds. …

Here’s the thing: If I had met someone years ago and had the life I wanted to have…I WOULD NOT look like this. You don’t this for certain. If you already had a wife you might not still have any motivation.

But right now the way i feel about tings, it’s like…I have no reason to go out and walk, eat right, ETC, because honestly, I have nothing to live for. If I’m still single and alone in 5 years from now…than honestly, I don’t want to live, so i could care less if I fall off the earth due to a heart attack from not eating right.

I hear stories all the time of people not getting married till their late 30’s, early 40’s, ETC…if I end up like that…I don’t want to live. simple as that. Why?

As I said before, seeing everyone else go off and grow up and get married and live their happy little lives is not an easy pill to swallow when I’m in this position.

And as I said before…I have stayed a virgin all this time because I wanted my first time to be with that special someone, and have it happen out of love. How many other people do you know who are my age and have never had sex? It’s hard to find a girl my age that doesn’t have kids let alone being a virgin…so if I’m not meant to be married for another 5 or 10 years, then maybe I should just go out and start having fun. Because frankly…I’m not staying a virgin much longer, even if it means just going out and picking up some drunk girl at a bar. Anyone who is my age and still a virgin knows where I am coming from…especially when your nephews and nieces who you’ve known from the time they were infants, and all their friends are all out losing their virginity one by one.

I moved to where I live now 10 years ago, and I moved her to get closer to my 2 sisters that live here. I moved here not only to be closer to them and the kids and be a part of their lives, but also because I thought that I would meet someone a lot sooner and we would have kids, and the kids would be close in age to their cousins and could all grow up together. I see my sisters raising their kids together, and it’s like…Why can’t I have kids and raise them together with the 2 of them?

Now, my nephews and nieces are all growing up, and if I ever do have kids, they are going to be so much older than them. They are going to be off at college or living their lives (probably getting married), and they aren’t going to care less about my kids. When they were little, I pictured them holding my babies and adoring them, playing with them as they got older, and growing up together.

I just don’t understand why there is no one out there that feels the same way I do about this.

I think you are having a major pity party for yourself. I recognizes pity parties because I have had a few real doozies myself. I don’t hear you talking much about God. If you trust in Jesus, all things are possible. There are many women out there who love men for who they are, not what they look like. But who are you? What do you have emotionally, and spiritually to offer a woman? What hobbies, what interests, what things do you like to do that would attract a woman? These are the things you should focus on, as well as, your relationship with God.
My niece is a beautiful, slim, young woman with a great personality who married an obese young man. He is so large that you can’t see his neck. They have been married for 3 years and her face lights up when she talks about him. When they are together, they are like two halves of a whole. They finish each other’s sentences. In her eyes, he is perfect.

As for your children not growing up with your nieces and nephews, that’s no big deal. Maybe your nieces and nephews will have children that will be close in age to your children. My brother has children who are the same age as my sisters’ grandchildren. They get along great.

Another thing to think about is that when my daughter was small her much older cousins would babysit and take her to the movies. They would dress her up and do her hair and generally spoil her rotten.

Apparently your life has not gone according to your plans, so make new plans.

You need to be positive and trust in God.

P.S. Please don’t go out and use a woman just so you won’t be a virgin anymore.

 

[ack]

I don’t think it’s selfishness as much as he’s starting to crack or is at risk of cracking under the pressure.

I would like to point out that someone who is “starting to crack” is in no condition to date and marry. We’ve seen from hundreds of threads on CAF the issues that mental health problems cause when going into marriage.

I would advise the poster to deal with the mental health issues first, and then it will be easier to find someone.

 

[Norseman82]

I would like to point out that someone who is “starting to crack” is in no condition to date and marry. We’ve seen from hundreds of threads on CAF the issues that mental health problems cause when going into marriage.

I would advise the poster to deal with the mental health issues first, and then it will be easier to find someone.

The Bible disagrees. In 1 Cor. 7 St. Paul states “it is better to marry than burn”.

 

[Divine_Muse]

The Bible disagrees. In 1 Cor. 7 St. Paul states “it is better to marry than burn”.

The bible also says:

When the righteous cry for help, the Lord hears and delivers them out of all their troubles. The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit. Many are the afflictions of the righteous, but the Lord delivers him out of them all. He keeps all his bones; not one of them is broken.
- Psalm 34:17-20

He needs help, not a girlfriend, and if he turns to God and seeks help, I believe then and only then he’ll find what he seeks. I have to politely disagree with you and the particular verse you chose. He doesn’t need to be told that it’s marriage versus hell, (which is what I got out of that quote). He needs to see he has a way out.

 

[Norseman82]

The bible also says:

When the righteous cry for help, the Lord hears and delivers them out of all their troubles. The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit. Many are the afflictions of the righteous, but the Lord delivers him out of them all. He keeps all his bones; not one of them is broken.
- Psalm 34:17-20

He needs help, not a girlfriend, and if he turns to God and seeks help, I believe then and only then he’ll find what he seeks. I have to politely disagree with you and the particular verse you chose. He doesn’t need to be told that it’s marriage versus hell, (which is what I got out of that quote). He needs to see he has a way out.

The verse from the OT you quoted is generic, whereas the verse from the NT I quoted deals specifically with the issue at hand.

The “burning” refers to the burning with lust or fornication. If one does give in to fornication the penalty on the books is indeed burning in hell, which people do indeed need to be reminded of these days.

St. Paul also says in the same chapter that in order to avoid immorality, everyone should have their own spouse. So yes, according to scripture, a spouse IS the help that is our way out. It’s one of those inconvenient truths that modern-day Catholics are forgetting in their quest to make excuses to make marriage more difficult to obtain.

 

[PaulinVA]

PDach, let me say that there are a lot of married people who are not happy. There are single people who are not happy.

But, there are a lot of people who are happy. They are happy where they find themselves. That’s what it’s all about.

An attractive person is someone who makes the best of their life and exudes confidence and competence. You take care of yourself because you want to. You join a running club because you hope it’s fun and you meet people to have friendships with.

Everything can’t revolve around finding a spouse. If your life revolves around becoming a better person, having fun, getting to know people because people are interesting to know - then you will *attract *attention.