This is one of those long posts that few have the patience to read, but I *had *to respond to this thread. Every fear I’ve read so far is
spot on. I’m hoping that by adding this perspective that your fears won’t be gone but intensified to the point that you become exhausted of being afraid and just DO something!
I discerned a vocation for years, and really that’s a deceptive term. We do not have one vocation, but many, as many as you can do in a day and not die of fatigue, that’s how many vocations you have. There are vocations within vocations within vocations. A question arises “What is the price of a vocation poorly discerned?”
Good question, Nom! Thanks.
It’s the same price as any poor decision. Failure. But you move on. I was an English college teacher for several years, and I told my students not to fear their F’s. They never believed me, of course, but I would never deny a student the failing grade that they worked so hard to achieve.
I began feeling a “call” as early as 6 years old. God, did I love God. While in high school I entered an aspirancy program for the Christian Brothers (LaSalle). I had a spiritual director and went on retreats and loved God more and more. After two years of that, I began dating a girl (after high school) and I loved her, too. God, did I love her. And God. It was great. Kissing, sex
() and I even got her to convert to Catholicism as we planned to get married (so the sex was okay because we were going to get married. Anyone ever hear that one before?). So four years later we broke up and I was devastated (which doesn’t include the three *other *times we broke up, one of which was because I wanted to be a priest).
Even after this, I still felt “the call.” I was 22 at the time, and I applied to my diocesan seminary but was eventually turned down.
What did I do? Drugs and alcohol, you guessed it. But God didn’t abandon me even though I despaired in a very elaborate way. I found St. Francis of Assissi then (well, one could argue he found me) and I sobered up, worked a 40 hour week, prayed, went to Mass weekly (sometimes daily) and to my library monthly so I wouldn’t become illiterate.
I got a job as a retreat facillitator, giving confimation retreats for high school and grade school kids. We lived in Chrisitan community (not vowed, but community). After two years I’d met a lot of church administrators, priests, brothers and sisters who thought I’d make a good priest. I applied again to my seminary and was accepted! (at
26 years old). The first two and a half years were great! That’s when the honeymoon ended and I started looking hard at, let’s just say, uncharitable behaviors in my seminary. I became deeply depressed. It broke my heart. It broke my spirit. But I still loved God. I finished my degree in English, and went for my Masters and during this time I met the woman whom I married and is now divorcing me. We have a 2 1/2 year old son. At my wedding, a priest whom had been my mentor said “So, I guess we won’t be seeing you at the major seminary anytime soon.” He meant it as a joke, but the words struck me
hard. I began to regret, even there on my wedding day. If it weren’t for my son (born in wedlock), I might be tempted to regret my marriage, now that it is ending. I love him like no other. And God.
It’s been five months now that we’ve been seperated. I don’t miss her. I miss my son. And, I still feel “the call.” Isn’t that funny? (Why do you think I’m hanging around in the Vocations section of CAF, of all places?) When you get married the call is supposed to go away.
It never did. And I cannot say that I didn’t honestly discern (if poorly). Besides the Christian Brothers, I visited the Franciscans, studied about the Carmelites, and *graduated *from the seminary. I can’t say if I discerned my vocation poorly, but
I made a choice. And now I have a son! He’s so beautiful and I rarely get to see him. But even at 2 1/2 he still makes my soon-to-be ex-wife call me on the phone so he can talk to me. That’s part of my vocation now, too. And I’ve spoken to many priests who say that they always wondered if they should have gotten married. Some of them, even as priests, can’t answer the question. And I don’t think that’s a bad thing. I think it’s normal.
It never goes away; the call, the fear. And that’s the *good *news. And I wouldn’t trade one step of my journey for anything. It’s *my *journey. I made my choices. It’s who I am. And God isn’t finished with me.
I just don’t want to do something, and then regret it later, thinking that I made the wrong choice. And that goes for any vocation…
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