Why can't the church see my marriage

[AnnDove]

But at some point the first priest said he could not marry you. Logic dictates that he probably gave a reason - perhaps you did not understand the reason at the time. But, went ahead with what you wanted any way. In a way that was not acceptable to the church - your decision.

At the time of our marriage a member of my family was against us being married. This member had strong influence in our parish. (Too much family history to explain). The only reason that I was given was not attending counseling for 6wks and we were under the impression as well that because at the time my husband did not want to catholic or anything to do with it at the time regardless of his baptism; that was another hold up. After doing some research I know the later is not true. I have researched the question about marriage but I could not grasp all of what I read in the Catechism. And was looking for more expiations.

 

[Andreas_Hofer]

newadvent.org/cathen/15256c.htm

Your husband is not living in sin because you ARE married, but not in the Catholic Church. But, you yourself are, because you were supposed to marry inside the Church in the first place. (Or, at least, that’s how I understand it) But, then again, you obviously hadn’t been informed, so technically, you weren’t sinning because you didn’t know.

Perhaps a wacky metaphor would be helpful in this situation. Let’s say you and your friend want to go play lazer tag. You belong to a group that has the facility rented, and show up to participate. But there are lots of people there, and they tell you because they want to make sure everyone is playing safely, you will first have to go through instructions. You notice, however, that there is extra gear not being used and just put this on instead to by-pass the wait. You go into the arena, you play, and through some oddity in the programming you are “killing” and “being killed” just like everyone else. You work together with all the best intentions as a team to play a great round of laser tag. When you exit the arena and go to check your scores, though, you find that despite all the points you should have racked up, there is nothing registered for the two of you. This is because the option you thought you had found to bypass the system wasn’t capable of making you both players in the game. You didn’t realize it during the game, you would have done things differently if you had known your choice meant you wouldn’t actually be playing the game, but now you are confronted with the knowledge that things weren’t what you thought they were for all that time.

As Deacon Ed pointed out, Catholic rules surrounding marriage can be of the sort that if you don’t follow them, you aren’t married at all. Not just that the Church doesn’t recognize the marriage, but that by not following the rules you made yourself incapable of validly marrying. Marrying before an officially delegated witness of the Church is one of those requirements. So when you didn’t fulfill that requirement, you made it impossible for you (in that circumstance) to marry at all. Hopefully that helps.

 

[jrabs]

At the time of our marriage a member of my family was against us being married. This member had strong influence in our parish. (Too much family history to explain). The only reason that I was given was not attending counseling for 6wks and we were under the impression as well that because at the time my husband did not want to catholic or anything to do with it at the time regardless of his baptism; that was another hold up. After doing some research I know the later is not true. I have researched the question about marriage but I could not grasp all of what I read in the Catechism. And was looking for more expiations.

If you are talking about a 6 -week marriage prep session, and you decided not to attend for whatever reason ( you had no time and your husband was leaving for the military) - then no- the church decided it could not marry you. No surprises there.

See that is where you seem to be finger pointing back to the church. If you cannot grasp what you read in the CCC, then you ask. But you can’t kick and scream foul along the path.

The marriage prep is not optional. Every one takes it. I am getting married after an invalid marriage and I still was required to take it.

 

[AnnDove]

We are working past the ugly history of what happened then and the choices we made for our family. Getting some outside opinions is helping me with that. What I have to work past now is the feeling of sin. I don’t view my marriage as wrong. We are still together after 11 yrs, with all our ups and downs. I just wish that counted in the church for something.

Re you saying that we have to take the classes now?

 

[Seatuck]

We are working past the ugly history of what happened then and the choices we made for our family. Getting some outside opinions is helping me with that. What I have to work past now is the feeling of sin. I don’t view my marriage as wrong. We are still together after 11 yrs, with all our ups and downs. I just wish that counted in the church for something.

Re you saying that we have to take the classes now?

Most likely you won’t need to take any classes but you will need to have a discussion with the priest that you intend to live a Catholic Sacramental marriage. Raising your children Catholic , not using artificial contraception , following the other teachings
stuff like that. You will have to ask your Priest what the diocesan requirements are. Some require an NFP class for instance.

Your marriage did exist but only on a civil level. It can’t count in the church. I hope you do some reading on marriage to try to understand the difference between a civil and a valid Sacramental marriage. When you go through convalidation you will have all the intended prayers and graces of the church with you in your marriage. You’ve been living without that all this time.

Perhaps getting some books like Catholicism for Dummies, The Catechism of the Catholic Church , The Good News About Sex and Marriage by Christopher West , Three to get Married by Archbishop Sheen might be a good idea for you .

Hang in There Ann! Keep looking for understanding. I’m glad you are at this stage. The Holy Spirit is surely calling to you about making this right with God at this particular time.What a blessing your DH was called to enrich his sacramental life within the Church so it could lead to your Marriage being blessed .

I’m surprised this never came up with the baptism of your children. Were they baptized Catholic?

 

[Seatuck]

We are working past the ugly history of what happened then and the choices we made for our family. Getting some outside opinions is helping me with that. What I have to work past now is the feeling of sin. I don’t view my marriage as wrong. We are still together after 11 yrs, with all our ups and downs. I just wish that counted in the church for something.

Re you saying that we have to take the classes now?

BTW don’t get past the feeling of sin. Work to repent and ask God’s Forgiveness in the Sacrament of Confession. That would be the better way to go.

 

[AnnDove]

Thanks for your support and taking the time to explain.

Yes my daughter is baptized Catholic and our marriage was never brought up. I guess that nothing was said to us about any of this is part of the reason why I could not understand the problem at first. We had talked to the priest at our church when we joined the parish about our past.

 

[Seatuck]

Thanks for your support and taking the time to explain.

Yes my daughter is baptized Catholic and our marriage was never brought up. I guess that nothing was said to us about any of this is part of the reason why I could not understand the problem at first. We had talked to the priest at our church when we joined the parish about our past.

Ann, first I want to say thank you for not taking offense at anything I have written. Everything I have written has been kindly meant. I have prayed for you several times over the past few days thinking about your situation.

I have to say I feel frustrated that the church had an opportunity to reach out to you at the baptism of your daughter and it failed and then again at the beginning of this RCIA process. Your situation should have been discussed then. I can understand your confusion. This should have been talked about sooner. Please endeavor to forgive those who made mistakes and persevere to see things put right.

See if you can get an appointment with the Priest as soon as possible. To find out what is your next step.