Why can't women simply say "I'm not interested." to men?

[underacloud]

Before you laugh and call me incongruent, please remember that I am going through an in-between phase and a Christian-agnostic complex right now, and it will reflect in my posts. All I can do is pray that if I am to be Catholic, that God will let it be logistically, intellectually, and mentally possible for me.

Certainly not going to laugh at you. It sounds like you’re making some hard decisions and really trying to figure out your life. I wish you nothing but the best.

But it does make logical sense that straight men should get dating advice from straight men, because they are the ones that have life experience in trying to date the women, right? It would be like a woman trying to get advice about menstruation and breastfeeding from a male health professional, instead of another woman. No matter how brilliant, it doesn’t have the same power that comes from perspective.

It’s an interesting analogy - because my wife’s obstetrician is a man!

But it’s fair to say that you need to get both perspectives. Get advice from straight men (such as me) who have experience and have had successes and failures along the way. And get advice from women too.

But - either way - be careful about the advice you get in terms of what the goals were of the people giving the advice. You mentioned earlier advice from two male friends who have had lots of sex with different women. If that’s what you want, then maybe they can help you. But I don’t believe at all that it’s what you really want. I believe you are looking for a proper loving, committed relationship. The advice that leads to that is very different.

Anyway, keep at it.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

The problem I see is that many women, and men, in the west, have rejected the Judeo-Christian view of human nature and ethics and have adopted a neo-Darwinian view of human nature, where the strong, successful and good looking are the more valuable people, and that everything is decided by chance, and that life is meaningless and has no ultimate purpose.

When I see women like this, I have a bad tendency to forget my real beliefs and adopt, as you say, and interchangeable view of women.

How would you suggest women go about picking partners? I promise you, women were attracted to strong, successful, handsome men before Darwin came about, and even if tomorrow the Bible was proven to be word-for-word the literal truth of the universe, women would still be attracted to strong, successful, handsome men. It doesn’t mean that they’re more valuable people, it just means that in this one instance, they were found to be more attractive. Angelina Jolie is not more valuable than I am because she’s more beautiful and more men want her, but she is more beautiful and more desired by men.

The question is, what kind of woman do you want to attract? If you want to attract someone who takes care of herself, is well-read, and who will charm your friends and family, then you need to take care of yourself, read voraciously, and be charming yourself. If you want a woman who is passionate about service to others, then you need to be volunteering in children’s hospitals and food banks. Do you get the idea?

You want to have women throwing themselves at you. If you’re as awkward as you say you are, even with this “game”, that’s probably not an attainable goal. At least not the type of women you’d want, anyway. I’m sorry, but that’s how the world works. But even awkward people can build relationships, get to know others on a personal level, find someone compatible who makes them very happy, and fall in love and go on to have a beautiful, warm, loving family.

 

[EasterJoy]

No my problem is just I spend way too much time by myself on the internet reading garbage that warps my view of real life. I do this because I get very awkward and tired when in public setting (introversion = expending energy rather than gaining energy from interpersonal interaction).

Now what’s the solution to this? Well people will say: go outside, cultivate friendships, ask women out, get rejected until you find a nice girl to settle down with. Stop spending so much time online.

Now I’ve done this, but what happens to me and other frustrated chumps is because we do not have social prowess, we get rejected a lot.

But we look down the street and see bad boy having women basically coming to him because he has certain traits (physical and personality). Women like to think that even these personality traits are innate (perhaps materialists and physical determinists would be especially prone to thinking this, believing that nature decides everything about human life and there is no soul or free will or anything like that). But I don’t. I think you can cultivate the traits that bad boys have. Some women, I believe, don’t like think this because they like to think that what attracts them is not something you can just act.

But you see, this seems to me like acting. If I were to “just be myself” as women constantly say, nothing will change. Rejecting will keep on wearing me down. But if I act and implement “game” (as it is called on the internet), I might turn into those bad boys who have women really responsive to them instead of not giving them the time of day.

P.S. no I don’t think I have aspergers. I just looked at a list of its symptoms on webMD and it would be a stretch for me to fit in this. Of course maybe this long response just offers more evidence that I am an aspie.

What do you mean by “be myself”? Unless it means trying to think of how to accentuate the parts of yourself that a wife would want to see in a husband, it isn’t the “be myself,” that people mean.

I will use a parallel example. What if you tell someone who is a guest at your house to “make yourself at home”? What does that mean, if the person wants to remain welcome in your home? To a bad guest, it means make the same messes you make at home, be just as slovenly as you are at home, and by all means annoy your host in all the same ways you used to annoy your parents and you now annoy your roommates. To a good guest, it means “don’t wait to be served, insist on helping in the kitchen, make sure you leave the bathroom looking nice when you are done, take the trouble to learn the house rules and to keep them, and all in all act in the way you’d act if you were one of the hosts instead of the guest.”

That is what people mean by “be yourself.” They mean don’t mean to ignore how you are coming off to your date. They mean don’t be pretentious, don’t try to show off, don’t pretend to be something you will never be, but instead be the version of yourself that the wife you’d want to have would want to be around. Be the self you would be if you had become a “catch.” That is what “be yourself” means, when it comes to dating.

 

[underacloud]

But even awkward people can build relationships, get to know others on a personal level, find someone compatible who makes them very happy, and fall in love and go on to have a beautiful, warm, loving family.

Yep.

And the best way to do this, as you have referred to BlueEyerLady, is to have common interests, and to spend time with such people.

Forget about pretending to be someone else. Embrace who you are and hopefully you’ll meet like-minded people, if you get out there and explore such interests (whether that be volunteer work, sports, outdoor adventures, comic-con, book club, bible study, etc…the list is long…there are no excuses). It’s also the context in which you’ll have the most confidence, not a faux-confidence, but a genuine confidence that knowledge of any given subject brings and the easy starting point of that common interest.

 

[Xantippe]

No my problem is just I spend way too much time by myself on the internet reading garbage that warps my view of real life. I do this because I get very awkward and tired when in public setting (introversion = expending energy rather than gaining energy from interpersonal interaction).

Now what’s the solution to this? Well people will say: go outside, cultivate friendships, ask women out, get rejected until you find a nice girl to settle down with. Stop spending so much time online.

Now I’ve done this, but what happens to me and other frustrated chumps is because we do not have social prowess, we get rejected a lot.

But we look down the street and see bad boy having women basically coming to him because he has certain traits (physical and personality). Women like to think that even these personality traits are innate (perhaps materialists and physical determinists would be especially prone to thinking this, believing that nature decides everything about human life and there is no soul or free will or anything like that). But I don’t. I think you can cultivate the traits that bad boys have. Some women, I believe, don’t like think this because they like to think that what attracts them is not something you can just act.

But you see, this seems to me like acting. If I were to “just be myself” as women constantly say, nothing will change. Rejecting will keep on wearing me down. But if I act and implement “game” (as it is called on the internet), I might turn into those bad boys who have women really responsive to them instead of not giving them the time of day.

P.S. no I don’t think I have aspergers. I just looked at a list of its symptoms on webMD and it would be a stretch for me to fit in this. Of course maybe this long response just offers more evidence that I am an aspie.

Apologies for not catching up with the thread:

1. It doesn’t matter if you are technically an Aspie or not–if you have problems with functioning socially, you should work on that, with professionals if necessary (if you’re in college, a counselor may be free). A successful romantic relationship, marriage and parenthood are the Himalayas of social skills, and it sounds like you haven’t successfully climbed the bunny slopes yet. Climb a lot of little social hills and mountains and work up to the big peaks. (And I actually do think you may be on the autism spectrum if you find yourself continually out of step socially with others or having a hard time breaking the social code.)

I can’t emphasize this enough–if you don’t like being around people, marriage and parenthood will be very HARD. You can’t just stick a wife and kids in deep freeze when you’re tired and thaw them out for brief periods when you feel up to socializing. They will have needs that need to be taken care of even when you aren’t feeling up to it. And small children need you pretty much all the time, especially when there are more than one.

I’m also an introvert and (thanks to my daughter’s Asperger’s diagnosis) pretty sure I’m on the autism spectrum and I find being around people for long periods of time very, very difficult. And guess what–being a spouse and a parent means I’m around people pretty much all the time. (The baby just started going to parents’ day out once a week, but right before that, I was starting to wig out.)

I’m going to go out on a limb here and guess that (unbeknownst to yourself) you have a number of off-putting behaviors. Figure out what they are.

1. I don’t think that social behavior is 100% nature. It’s hard to put a percentage on it, but for working purposes, let’s assume 50% nature and 50% effort.

As I mentioned, my 12-year-old is on the autism spectrum, and 5 or 6 years ago, she was way, way more autistic than she is today. But she’s done physical therapy, worked on her fine motor stuff at home, done social skill groups, done therapeutic riding, plus pretty much anything else I could think of. I’ve read easily a dozen books on autism and positive reinforcement cover to cover over and over again.

Not coincidentally, my daughter has made enormous progress. She is still very much herself, but a lot of doors that were closed to her are now open.

1. Talk to a psychologist specializing in social skills and learn to be the best version of yourself.
2. “But if I act and implement “game” (as it is called on the internet), I might turn into those bad boys who have women really responsive to them instead of not giving them the time of day.” Ay yay yay. [Deep breath.] OK, as BEL has pointed out, you don’t currently have enough social savvy to understand the difference between being a socially savvy person and being a “bad boy.” Because of that, and because of the other things you’ve mentioned, I don’t think you have a snowball’s chance in hell of successfully doing the bad boy act or implementing “game.”

Try the bunny slopes and work up.

 

[Estevao]

How would you suggest women go about picking partners? I promise you, women were attracted to strong, successful, handsome men before Darwin came about, and even if tomorrow the Bible was proven to be word-for-word the literal truth of the universe, women would still be attracted to strong, successful, handsome men. It doesn’t mean that they’re more valuable people, it just means that in this one instance, they were found to be more attractive. Angelina Jolie is not more valuable than I am because she’s more beautiful and more men want her, but she is more beautiful and more desired by men.

The question is, what kind of woman do you want to attract? If you want to attract someone who takes care of herself, is well-read, and who will charm your friends and family, then you need to take care of yourself, read voraciously, and be charming yourself. If you want a woman who is passionate about service to others, then you need to be volunteering in children’s hospitals and food banks. Do you get the idea?

You want to have women throwing themselves at you. If you’re as awkward as you say you are, even with this “game”, that’s probably not an attainable goal. At least not the type of women you’d want, anyway. I’m sorry, but that’s how the world works. But even awkward people can build relationships, get to know others on a personal level, find someone compatible who makes them very happy, and fall in love and go on to have a beautiful, warm, loving family.

Yeah I see your claim, but I reject it. Awkward dweebs can change into social butterflies. I’ve seen it.

Thanks for the advice though .

And thanks to everybody else who responded to my ranting: socrates’s wife, underacloud, sarcelle, macq, anne elizabeth, sw85…

Can’t say I plan to see any psychologists soon, that field being founded by a hack named Freud after all…but some other stuff will work things out hopefully…

 

[Xantippe]

BEL said:

“Just make sure that the energy you do have for socializing is spent wisely. You can probably skip the video game night with your old college buddies, but a birthday party at a restaurant where you won’t know all of the guests might be promising.”

**Yes. And it’s quite OK to put in a good effort and then leave relatively early.

Oh, and not to forget the obvious–a social event with women at it trumps one that is all male.**

“It isn’t that you aren’t good looking enough, successful enough, or enough of a jerk. Women, just like men, are drawn to people who make them feel comfortable, who can hold interesting conversations, and who can navigate a variety of social environments without embarrassment.”

**Exactly.

Nobody is going to marry you if they can’t talk to you easily and with interest (except for visa scammers and similar). That means developing small talk and being able to pick up cues about what other people are interested in or will be excited to talk about.

Being social is something that may take literally decades of practice to peak at.

**

 

[Xantippe]

How would you suggest women go about picking partners? I promise you, women were attracted to strong, successful, handsome men before Darwin came about, and even if tomorrow the Bible was proven to be word-for-word the literal truth of the universe, women would still be attracted to strong, successful, handsome men. It doesn’t mean that they’re more valuable people, it just means that in this one instance, they were found to be more attractive. Angelina Jolie is not more valuable than I am because she’s more beautiful and more men want her, but she is more beautiful and more desired by men.

The question is, what kind of woman do you want to attract? ** If you want to attract someone who takes care of herself, is well-read, and who will charm your friends and family, then you need to take care of yourself, read voraciously, and be charming yourself. If you want a woman who is passionate about service to others, then you need to be volunteering in children’s hospitals and food banks. Do you get the idea?**

You want to have women throwing themselves at you. If you’re as awkward as you say you are, even with this “game”, that’s probably not an attainable goal. At least not the type of women you’d want, anyway. I’m sorry, but that’s how the world works. But even awkward people can build relationships, get to know others on a personal level, find someone compatible who makes them very happy, and fall in love and go on to have a beautiful, warm, loving family.

Yes. Especially the part I bolded.

 

[Xantippe]

Yep.

And the best way to do this, as you have referred to BlueEyerLady, is to have common interests, and to spend time with such people.

Forget about pretending to be someone else. Embrace who you are and hopefully you’ll meet like-minded people, if you get out there and explore such interests (whether that be volunteer work, sports, outdoor adventures, comic-con, book club, bible study, etc…the list is long…there are no excuses). ** It’s also the context in which you’ll have the most confidence, not a faux-confidence, but a genuine confidence that knowledge of any given subject brings and the easy starting point of that common interest.**

Yes, particularly to the part I bolded.

 

[Xantippe]

Yeah I see your claim, but I reject it. Awkward dweebs can change into social butterflies. I’ve seen it.

I have.

Thanks for the advice though .

And thanks to everybody else who responded to my ranting: socrates’s wife, underacloud, sarcelle, macq, anne elizabeth, sw85…

Can’t say I plan to see any psychologists soon, that field being founded by a hack named Freud after all…but some other stuff will work things out hopefully…

Psychology has come along quite a ways since Freud. Just like doctors are no longer bleeding people for every conceivable illness, psychologists are no longer blaming everything on mom and are now able to do a lot more for people. With regard to social skills, they genuinely have a lot to offer. (I forgot to mention that my Aspie 12-year-old has been seeing a psychologist since she was 6 and that’s been part of our success story.)

And anyway, who do you plan to go to to work on your social stuff if not a therapist or psychologist? There’s no replacement for somebody who knows you in person and has had a chance to study your mannerisms and conversational patterns.

By the way, there are a number of college-based autism centers where they do research and provide services to the public. If you google “autism center” or “autism centre” and then email one person from each asking for advice about how to improve your social skills as an adult, I think you’ll eventually get some good leads.

 

[Estevao]

Psychology has come along quite a ways since Freud. Just like doctors are no longer bleeding people for every conceivable illness, psychologists are no longer blaming everything on mom and are now able to do a lot more for people. With regard to social skills, they genuinely have a lot to offer. (I forgot to mention that my Aspie 12-year-old has been seeing a psychologist since she was 6 and that’s been part of our success story.)

And anyway, who do you plan to go to to work on your social stuff if not a therapist or psychologist? There’s no replacement for somebody who knows you in person and has had a chance to study your mannerisms and conversational patterns.

By the way, there are a number of college-based autism centers where they do research and provide services to the public. If you google “autism center” or “autism centre” and then email one person from each asking for advice about how to improve your social skills as an adult, I think you’ll eventually get some good leads.

How? By myself, it’s how I’ve done mostly everything in my life: making it through school with chaotic home life, getting a job, teaching myself two foreign languages, making whatever friends I had before I went off the deep end. And I got some good advice ITT that I just pasted to a word file to look over. I’m eyeing up some self-help books by Fulton Sheen that seem good.

The sheer depravity of Freud’s thought means that I simply cannot trust any psychologists who works off of anything he ever said. It’s like the modern philosophers who work off of the assumptions of Descartes. They both were such raving maniacs that the people who attempted to salvage their project are doomed to fail.

Show me some psychologists who follow the wisdom of the Aristotlean-Thomistic tradition of the soul, its appetities, etc and I’ll sign up. If you show me somebody talking about my repressed unconscious desires and childhood hurts, I’m just going to tune out.

 

[Xantippe]

How? By myself, it’s how I’ve done mostly everything in my life: making it through school with chaotic home life, getting a job, teaching myself two foreign languages, making whatever friends I had before I went off the deep end. And I got some good advice ITT that I just pasted to a word file to look over. I’m eyeing up some self-help books by Fulton Sheen that seem good.

**There are some things you just can’t do for yourself. In this case, it’s because you can’t see yourself as others see you.

Example: I was at a college cafeteria a couple days ago and there was a plump girl wearing a skirt that did really unfortunate things to her rear end. I’m sure she had NO idea how terrible it looked from the back. And it wasn’t just that her figure was terrible–I’m pretty sure that she would have looked OK in a different outfit (a longer skirt, a dress–anything that didn’t draw so much attention to the caboose).

If you can fix yourself, fine, but that’s going to involve cutting out the nonstop “women are eeeeeevil” stuff. **

The sheer depravity of Freud’s thought means that I simply cannot trust any psychologists who works off of anything he ever said. It’s like the modern philosophers who work off of the assumptions of Descartes. They both were such raving maniacs that the people who attempted to salvage their project are doomed to fail.

**Modern psychologist isn’t Freudian and doesn’t operate off of Freudian assumptions, particularly not with regard to social skills. **

Show me some psychologists who follow the wisdom of the Aristotlean-Thomistic tradition of the soul, its appetities, etc and I’ll sign up. If you show me somebody talking about my repressed unconscious desires and childhood hurts, I’m just going to tune out.

Cognitive behavioral therapy has a lot of fans.

 

[EasterJoy]

How? By myself, it’s how I’ve done mostly everything in my life: making it through school with chaotic home life, getting a job, teaching myself two foreign languages, making whatever friends I had before I went off the deep end. And I got some good advice ITT that I just pasted to a word file to look over. I’m eyeing up some self-help books by Fulton Sheen that seem good.

The sheer depravity of Freud’s thought means that I simply cannot trust any psychologists who works off of anything he ever said. It’s like the modern philosophers who work off of the assumptions of Descartes. They both were such raving maniacs that the people who attempted to salvage their project are doomed to fail.

Show me some psychologists who follow the wisdom of the Aristotlean-Thomistic tradition of the soul, its appetities, etc and I’ll sign up. If you show me somebody talking about my repressed unconscious desires and childhood hurts, I’m just going to tune out.

OK, so if the subject of psychology comes up, keep your mouth closed and change the subject. As Thumper put it, “If you can’t say something nice, don’t say nothing at all”.

This, BTW, includes not referring to yourself as an awkward dweeb or a frustrated chump. A man who will call himself demeaning thing will call other people demeaning things. If you say you only put yourself down, realize that it would take a really foolish woman to take someone up who sees himself as not even a fixer-upper. Don’t think of yourself as awkward. Think of yourself as genuine, because I bet you are. Being genuine does not mean refusing to taste your words before you spit them out, though, right?

Being able to speak a foreign language, though–that is fun and interesting.

Ask yourself this: If your son were just like you, what would you encourage him to do differently? You said you had a chaotic home life, so I’m guessing your dad isn’t someone you’re in a hurry to impress. Well, think of some man you do look up to. How would you act if you wanted him to have a high regard of you? If you have a low regard of yourself, other people will pick up on that. Besides, who is going to think you are in love with God when you don’t act as if you know God is in love with you–that God looks at you and sees not your faults, but the saint He intends to make you? People who don’t even know you aren’t usually going to give you more credit than you give yourself, not unless they have some messiah thing of the creepy sort going.

Don’t look down on deserving a good reputation from good men. Impress them, and you’ll also be impressing the woman you want to attract. You only have to find one.

 

[Xantippe]

OK, so if the subject of psychology comes up, keep your mouth closed and change the subject. As Thumper put it, “If you can’t say something nice, don’t say nothing at all”.

This, BTW, includes not referring to yourself as an awkward dweeb or a frustrated chump. A man who will call himself demeaning thing will call other people demeaning things. If you say you only put yourself down, realize that it would take a really foolish woman to take someone up who sees himself as not even a fixer-upper. Don’t think of yourself as awkward. Think of yourself as genuine, because I bet you are. Being genuine does not mean refusing to taste your words before you spit them out, though, right?

Being able to speak a foreign language, though–that is fun and interesting.

Ask yourself this: If your son were just like you, what would you encourage him to do differently? You said you had a chaotic home life, so I’m guessing your dad isn’t someone you’re in a hurry to impress. Well, think of some man you do look up to. How would you act if you wanted him to have a high regard of you? If you have a low regard of yourself, other people will pick up on that. Besides, who is going to think you are in love with God when you don’t act as if you know God is in love with you–that God looks at you and sees not your faults, but the saint He intends to make you? People who don’t even know you aren’t usually going to give you more credit than you give yourself, not unless they have some messiah thing of the creepy sort going.

Don’t look down on deserving a good reputation from good men. Impress them, and you’ll also be impressing the woman you want to attract. You only have to find one.

Very good.

“Messiah of the creepy” had me snorting over my keyboard.

 

[on_the_hill]

Seems to me like there’s a self-perpetuating social anxiety that leads you to get angry and reject.

Instead of a Biblical parable, how about an Aesop fable? Sour grapes.

You may reject counseling. I rejected counseling (not for dating, but life in general). I finally got so fed up and frustrated that I went. I HATED it and only went two or three times. I told the counselor (who happens to be Catholic) that I would not follow through with journals, or “homework,” or exercises, so she shouldn’t bother to give them to me. She was patient. I hated going so much that I resolved to to whatever was necessary to not have to go anymore. So maybe it worked?

 

[CaliLobo]

Xantippe:

Nah–I think you did fine. Definitely don’t use the “get to know the real me” line with anybody ever going forward–it makes it sound like you’ve got bodies in the crawlspace of your house. What you’ve got going for you in this situation is she does know you, and she hopefully has the idea that you’re a reasonably good guy–don’t mess with that!

If she likes you and she’s interested, you’ll hear from her. She may have needed an emergency consultation with her girlfriends before going forward.

Good use of opportunities, by the way.

She never got back to me.

And today, a girl who called me back out of the blue a week after texting her agreed to meet. Funny, because I didn’t even realize who she was when she called. I came up with the time and place. The first time she said that she had some tax deadline to meet and had a lot of work to do that day. (There’s tax deadlines in October?) I rescheduled for today. Today she said that her car couldn’t start and she is getting it fixed.

I texted her that if she doesn’t want to meet, it’s fine. She quickly replied that she’s getting a rental car and can’t meet until then, but I flat out replied that when someone cancels twice I usually assume they’re not interested, and that she can let me know when she wants to meet.

So the streak continues. What’s worse now is that I’m losing confidence in myself. I’m finding it harder to believe that it’s possible for me to attract women anymore. Ironically, I met another girl the other day at a Protestant gathering, but I’m not expecting a darn thing.

Do I pray the Rosary at this point? Only God can help me now.

Xantippe:

I’m also an introvert and (thanks to my daughter’s Asperger’s diagnosis) pretty sure I’m on the autism spectrum and I find being around people for long periods of time very, very difficult. And guess what–being a spouse and a parent means I’m around people pretty much all the time. (The baby just started going to parents’ day out once a week, but right before that, I was starting to wig out.)

I personally think autism is one of the most overdiagnosed conditions. I mean, I used to line up my toys–in the same order! I would write my first grade journals in an over-organized fashion. I was fascinated with electrical circuit diagrams, computer books, and home and car repair books. I think about funny things out of nowhere, and laugh. I have trouble relating to people sometimes. Does that make me have Asperger’s?

nymag.com/news/features/autism-spectrum-2012-11/

runwaymodel:

And yes I do live in Los Angeles but I haven’t found it that difficult to date. You just need to be more selective and have a ‘no nonsense’ approach. I won’t waste my time on a second date if there is no potential. I honestly am a firm believer that you attract the energy that you out out. If you’re unstable in line you can’t expect to attract a stable person. So yes, some people are a little weird or unrealistic here because they are chasing the dream …but then you should have seen those people aren’t dateable in the first place.

Haha! Sorry to say the obvious, but that’s probably because you look very pretty. But yes, I agree that selectivity is good and that you shouldn’t waste time on someone who’s not stable. LA is full of dreamers.

 

[pensmama87]

She never got back to me.

And today, a girl who called me back out of the blue a week after texting her agreed to meet. Funny, because I didn’t even realize who she was when she called. I came up with the time and place. The first time she said that she had some tax deadline to meet and had a lot of work to do that day. (There’s tax deadlines in October?) I rescheduled for today. Today she said that her car couldn’t start and she is getting it fixed.

I texted her that if she doesn’t want to meet, it’s fine. She quickly replied that she’s getting a rental car and can’t meet until then, but I flat out replied that when someone cancels twice I usually assume they’re not interested, and that she can let me know when she wants to meet.

If she has to file taxes quarterly, then yeah, there may be taxes in October.

I think you may have bailed on this girl too soon. She gave you specific excuses, not vague ones, and not the kind that indicate a lack of interest.

Your “two cancels” rule is not bad, but honestly it sounds like she very well could have wanted to meet with you, and just got really unlucky. Being “flat out” with her about your rule, though, probably means you’ve burned that bridge.

So the streak continues. What’s worse now is that I’m losing confidence in myself. I’m finding it harder to believe that it’s possible for me to attract women anymore. Ironically, I met another girl the other day at a Protestant gathering, but I’m not expecting a darn thing.

Do I pray the Rosary at this point? Only God can help me now.

Lots of people pray to find a spouse. It’s not weird. Don’t necessarily broadcast it to every girl you’re interested in, but yeah, people pray for a lot less.

I personally think autism is one of the most overdiagnosed conditions. I mean, I used to line up my toys–in the same order! I would write my first grade journals in an over-organized fashion. I was fascinated with electrical circuit diagrams, computer books, and home and car repair books. I think about funny things out of nowhere, and laugh. I have trouble relating to people sometimes. Does that make me have Asperger’s?

nymag.com/news/features/autism-spectrum-2012-11/

Xantippe is trying to help you; this comes across as really jerkish (also a turnoff).

ETA: Actually, I’m neurotypical, and I frequently find information designed for those with Asperger’s to be helpful to me based on my natural personality quirks and the fact that I have struggled with social anxiety. So just because you don’t have a diagnosis, or think something is diagnosed too readily nowadays, doesn’t mean that information is completely useless and has nothing to do with you.

 

[CaliLobo]

If she has to file taxes quarterly, then yeah, there may be taxes in October.

I think you may have bailed on this girl too soon. She gave you specific excuses, not vague ones, and not the kind that indicate a lack of interest.

Your “two cancels” rule is not bad, but honestly it sounds like she very well could have wanted to meet with you, and just got really unlucky. Being “flat out” with her about your rule, though, probably means you’ve burned that bridge.

Her excuses don’t sound much different from those of other women who weren’t interested. People will move mountains to make the time if they are interested. I don’t buy most excuses.

I’m not gonna misread signals from women, make them uncomfortable, and then be the subject of another CAF thread “Why can’t men get the clue that a woman is not interested?”

Also sometimes, appearing to walk away is good because it makes the man look less desperate and more valuable, and makes the woman want to chase. If I were to reschedule a second time it would look too needy. Interacting with women is a push-pull thing, right?

Lots of people pray to find a spouse. It’s not weird. Don’t necessarily broadcast it to every girl you’re interested in, but yeah, people pray for a lot less.

For years I have been reluctant to pray for a spouse because, well, what if God sets me up with a woman I don’t even like?

Xantippe is trying to help you; this comes across as really jerkish (also a turnoff).

ETA: Actually, I’m neurotypical, and I frequently find information designed for those with Asperger’s to be helpful to me based on my natural personality quirks and the fact that I have struggled with social anxiety. So just because you don’t have a diagnosis, or think something is diagnosed too readily nowadays, doesn’t mean that information is completely useless and has nothing to do with you.

I was trying to encourage her that she is normal. She said that she’s “pretty sure” she’s on the spectrum, which sounded humorous to me. I seriously wonder if I’d be on the spectrum if I were a kid today.

 

[Xantippe]

She never got back to me.

(There’s tax deadlines in October?) I rescheduled for today. Today she said that her car couldn’t start and she is getting it fixed.

As Pensmama87 said, yeah, she could have quarterlies.

I texted her that if she doesn’t want to meet, it’s fine. She quickly replied that she’s getting a rental car and can’t meet until then, but I flat out replied that when someone cancels twice I usually assume they’re not interested, and that she can let me know when she wants to meet.

**I think that’s entirely fair on your part.

When people cancel, asking them to be the ones to make the next overture for getting together is perfectly fair.

Of course, it depends how you put it.
**

Do I pray the Rosary at this point? Only God can help me now.

At the very least, it can steady your nerves.

I personally think autism is one of the most overdiagnosed conditions. I mean, I used to line up my toys–in the same order! I would write my first grade journals in an over-organized fashion. I was fascinated with electrical circuit diagrams, computer books, and home and car repair books. I think about funny things out of nowhere, and laugh. I have trouble relating to people sometimes. Does that make me have Asperger’s?

**It’s worth thinking about…It could explain why you’ve found yourself out of step with women so many years. You may well have been attracting women that you didn’t even realize were interested in you, which is actually a very happy thought.

Bear in mind that autism (like other things) is a spectrum, which is one of the reasons that there’s suddenly an explosion of diagnoses. People have gone from thinking even 30 years ago that only severe autism is autism to understanding that one can be more or less autistic. (This has gotten clearer because of the fact that the same person can go from a non-verbal preschooler to a verbal and self-sufficient adult with appropriate treatment and education. If you only knew them “after” you might not realize how severe the “before” was.)
**

 

[Xantippe]

ETA: Actually, I’m neurotypical, and I frequently find information designed for those with Asperger’s to be helpful to me based on my natural personality quirks and the fact that I have struggled with social anxiety. So just because you don’t have a diagnosis, or think something is diagnosed too readily nowadays, doesn’t mean that information is completely useless and has nothing to do with you.

There’s a wonderful quote from one of my special needs books where the author says, you don’t need a diagnosis to have a problem, you only need a problem to have a problem.